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My mother found out tonight that my grandma is dying. She had kidney failure several years ago. Recently she had a stroke. We knew it was getting close. Now it's here. It's a strange feeling. She had her stroke while I was at school. So she really didn't see me during my transition. I knew she found out about it and knew she wasn't too keen on the idea. I visited her once after her stroke in the hospital. She told me I needed a haircut. No surprise there. Since then, I haven't visited her. My parents agreed that it probably wasn't a good idea to visit anyway. I didn't want to give my grandma any more emotional trauma than she was already experiencing. She had enough on her mind as it was. So in that time, I really grew apart from her. Now that she's about to die, I'm starting to remember her more and it a way I regret not getting to go visit her. I wonder if I'll cry tomorrow when I'm working my mindless cashier job, and my mind wanders to this topic?

On a completely different note, I wasted $185 on a new video card today. It'll be here sometime next week. I know I shouldn't have...no need to tell me. I'm sure I'll regret it later too. Too late now though. I'm sure it'll be nice, and I'll enjoy it.

My dream last night was strange and involved cats. I did fly in it though. So I don't know if that counts as a superhero dream. Leave a comment with your opinion on that. Anyway, time for bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica

So now that makes four states with state-wide protection against transgender discrimination. California just passed their new law. Now we have Minnesota, Rhode Island, New Mexico, and California. That's a whole 8% of the country. We're almost into double digits here. I'm excited.

.....yeah, that's about all I had. That and it would figure that as soon as I start writing about my dreams, they change. So yeah, I'll have to start over again. I flew in my dream last night. However, the night before was a dream about high school/college. I get those often enough too. So yeah, back to one day on my dreams. Now...on to more dreams. Good night.

Luv,

Jessica

So this past week....I don't even know if interesting is the word. Let's see if I can compile a list here. I met up with a former friend from high school, got my fifth laser treatment, worked a bit, met with yet another friend from high school and his dickhead friend, went to the mall, an anime store, another mall, slept at a friends place for two nights, watched all of Trigun, ate junk food all day, played Soul Caliber and DDR Max, hung out with yet more friends from high school, cleared a bunch of crap off my computer, did my laundry, and still managed to sleep late.

It was a very full week. Lots of driving too. I drove over 1500 miles in one week. The laser treatment went well. The drugs hit me very hard this time though. Harder than they have before. This time, my memory is a haze of what happened. That's unusual, but they did give me a different drug this time. So that may explain it. I think this may be the last of the major treatments. Most of the hair should be gone now. If my logic is correct, I should be right. We'll see. Personally, I'm sick of spending the money. It's already been about $2,000.

Meeting my friends was interesting. One of them used to have a crush on me. She was happy to see me and we hung out and talked a lot. Turns out she is still attracted to me. Things seem pretty complicated in her life right now though. She has a pending divorce and a child. The fact that she's still attracted to me gives me hope that I may eventually date again though, whoever that person may be. Not right now, though. I'm in no mind to date.

My other friend was closer to me in my earlier years. He was in the military and recently ended his four years. He's now pursuing school. He came home to visit, and brought a friend with. His friend was a major asshole....pardon my language. It really is the perfect word though. It was good to see my friend, but it would have been a lot better without that jerk he brought with him.

The weekend was fun and exciting. I had Friday through Monday off. Some geeky friends of mine all hung out together. We went shopping all over, including an anime store. It was really cool. On Saturday we held a Trigun marathon and watched Vash the Stampede kick ass. Sunday we played some video games and went to a different mall. All in all it was a fun, nerdy weekend. :) I almost bought a Gamecube. I had to tell one of my friends to not let me spend the money. I can't really afford it.

Monday wasn't anything exciting though. I slept late and spent the rest of my day cleaning up my hard drives, doing laundry, and reading. Pretty dull. This ends the long week. Only three weeks until school starts and I'm really happy about that. Hopefully I'll get my Lease in the mail before then. I'm a bit worried about that. I'm going to have to call my landlord soon and ask her if she just doesn't want me there. I don't think that's the case, but it's possible. We'll see I guess. I'll be sure to write about whatever happens there.

Well...time for bed. G'night all.

Luv,

Jess

P.S. I'm going to start keeping track of how often I have flying dreams. So starting last night...it's once.

I've been trying to think of a good thing to put on my license plate for a while now. I want something really personal, and I came up with some ideas. Since I'm a big super hero fan, and I'm now becoming more and more into Wonder Woman, I tried that idea. Here's what I came up with:

1DR WOMN

1DER WMN

WNDR WMN

1DR WMN

W1DR WMN

I've thought about other things too, like SEXYTS, or TG4EVER...but it just doesn't have that feeling to it for me. Maybe SPR GRRL, SUPR GRL, PRNCESS, SABR GRL....if you have any suggestions, comment on this entry and write them there. The bad thing is that I already checked on the 1st two in the list above and they're taken already. Oh well.

I guess finding out that the hormone level I was at before didn't do much of anything to me has been a bit upsetting the past two days. I really hope the levels that I'm at now do something. I'm also hoping that after this Tuesday's laser treatment, I wont need to shave everyday anymore. With some luck, I wont even need Dermablend anymore. That'll be nice. Less prep time in the morning.

Well, I have to work again in the morning. So I'm going to bed. G'night all.

Luv,

Jessica

Current Measurements: 34.5 - 32 - 38

OK, so today I drove 615 miles total. That ended up being about ten hours in the car. So much fun, let me tell you...all by myself too. I am so tired. I should just go to bed, but I wanted to write this before it wasn't fresh in my head anymore.

So, I saw my endocrinologist today. She took measurements of me and confirmed to me that I had not developed anything since I started on higher doses. I mean, there have been skin and hair growth changes. My face has changed slightly too, but aside from that, my hips aren't wider and there's literally no breast growth. So, yeah...that's not making me so happy to know that nothing is going on. And with the spironolactone on the max dosage, I get dizzy. Now I find out that I've been dizzy for no reason. So yeah, that's a bit bothersome.

To fix this problem, she's now maxxed out the estrogen dose she will give me. So, now I'm wearing two patches at the same time. I'm definitely going to be emotional. That's twice the estrogen as before. I see her again in three months, and if nothing happens in that time, then she said we'll talk about it. Let's pray something does happen, cause life is hard enough as it is. I don't need any more crap to happen in my life. OK, enough of Jessica pissing and moaning. I better get some sleep. I'm definitely cranky. Good Night All.

Luv,

Jessica