Friday at 3:00 began the hardest weekend I've had ever. There was a conference this weekend that I had multiple duties at. The conference staff asked me as Vice President of the LGBT group to host a social event at the conference, and they asked me as a production employee of the campus TV station to shoot and edit a video for them.

I started shooting at 3:00. I went through 3 batteries and two tapes that night. That's a lot of video for the 15 minute video it was supposed to be turned into. I had one person there to help me shoot too. So we had two cameras going. It was crazy at this conference too. People were cheering and dancing around before all the actual opening ceremonies went on. It was a long night. My hand hurt from holding the camera by the end of it.

The social for the LGBT was that night. Prior to that was a drag show. There were a ton of people there for the drag show, despite the fact that the show was mediocre at best. We had two performers. One that's semi professional, and the other which was most definitely not. She looked like an ugly, pregnant woman. In the video, I used discretion and didn't include the not so professional one. People generally seemed to enjoy the show though.

The social itself was a huge, huge flop. I was so disappointed. No one came to it. The cleaning staff insisted on cleaning everything up after the drag show, including vacuuming. There were some people that would walk in, see the cleaners, assume nothing was happening, and leave. Their assumptions were right though. Nothing was happening. When everyone rushed out at the end of the drag show, I knew no one was going to stay for the social. I cried. I felt responsible for the failure of it. I knew there were more than a few factors behind it, but it was my event. I went home after that and slept.

The next morning was more shooting until 11:00. At that point I started editing. I edited the footage for 7 hours into a final 18.5 minute video. That was probably the most difficult thing of the whole weekend. Three hours of footage had to be cut down to 15 to 20 minutes. At about 3:00, I started feeling the pressure, since I had about 2.5 minutes of the video done, and had 3 hours left to do the rest. I did get it done though. At 6:30 pm, I ran to the banquet hall and dropped off the tape.

The rest of the evening was fun. It was a live production of the awards ceremony. I got to be the close up camera operator. It turned out really well. After the awards, they played my video. People were cheering and laughing. There were 375+ people there. It's not often you have an audience like that to give immediate feedback. It was a thrill. I got hugs and thank you's all night. Then...I got to go back on camera and tape some more. Finally at midnight, I went home and passed out. I slept for 12 hours straight; I was so exhausted.

Sunday I spent at the TV station editing a different project and doing my laundry. Nothing too special. I went to the meeting that night and actually had the thought of applying for the open station manager position. I think I could handle it quite well. Tonight I'm going to get an application and fill it out. Wish me luck. Time for me to go get some lunch. Talk to you all later. Bye.

Luv,

Jess

My 23rd birthday was yesterday, and, as usual, it wasn't anything special. I've never really done anything for my birthdays. The most I did was go to Perkins that night. It was a very interesting visit though. There was a boy there who said hi. And seemed to know a lot about me; enough that it might creep someone out. It didn't bother me though. I remember being dumb like that in my boyish years. I remember how I felt and what I was thinking. I knew the guy was harmless. It was flattering to me. I never got to tell him I like girls though. One of these days....

That whole event was such a cool thing for me on so many levels. For one, it means I'm passing that well now that guys think I'm attractive. Two, it was seeing an event from the receiving perspective for once. Now I know how the girls I made an ass of myself in front of felt. What an interesting time.

Today wasn't anything special either. For once I got to make use of the sleep in day I set for myself. Every other Thursday I've had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I slept late and it felt wonderful. I went to class as usual. I kicked myself when I completely forgot about my advising appointment. I hate when I do that. We did have another panel today. It went really well. We got lots of great questions. I still love seeing people drop their jaws when I say I'm trans. It's one of my favorite things to see. It just makes me smile.

We had the LGBT meeting tonight, and it wasn't so great. It was like pulling teeth. We were all straining to just get through it. We need to do more planning. Next week WILL be better. It damn well better be if I can help it. I care about that group too much to let it be that way.

Tomorrow begins the big challenge. I have to shoot all day and into the next, then edit what I shot for 6 or so hours. I have to have a tape for them by 6:00 pm on Saturday to show at their Banquet. I don't know why I take these jobs, but I did. I think I enjoy challenging myself like that. We'll see how it goes.

It is snowing again tonight, which at first I hated. But, when I went to drop one of the group members off at home, there was another car stuck in the snow. We got out and helped push. It felt great to get someone else out, since I've been helped several times and haven't been able to repay them for it. It felt good. Later, when I got home, I stood outside on the street watching the snow fall past the street lights. I marvelled at the beauty of this world. It is truly amazing. I agree with Eddie Izzard, we have lost the true meaning of the word awesome. Because that's what I felt tonight, the original meaning of that word. I'll leave with that thought. Good Night everyone.

Luv,

Jess

I did a pain in the butt thing and restored all the old entries into this new format. Now I don't have to have the old site link on here anymore, but the cool thing is, I even added the old entries from way back when the site was brand new. I didn't even have a live journal script running yet. Both Lauren and my entries were restored. So, feel free to read back to October 1st, 2002...the first day TransLife.net started running.

One more quick note before I head off to bed. I had an awesome time at the conference. Someone took their picture with me. I thought it was great. I didn't want to post her picture, but here's an update as to what I looked like on Saturday. Enjoy. G'night all.

Luv,

Jess

<%image(20040218-Conference.jpg|484|638|Jess at the conference)%>

After this past weekend at the conference, I'm really starting to reconsider my emphasis for my major. Right now it's electronic media, which I enjoy. However, that emphasis was cancelled. I can finish it if I want, but many of the classes are no longer offered. I'm wondering if I want to switch the emphasis to public communication. It wouldn't delay my graduation any, and I already have a lot of experience building up. I'm kind of making a professional career out of it. Maybe I should. I'm going to see my advisor and my counselor to get advice. That should help.

I'm also considering dropping a class. This semester is rough. I am not enjoying my advertising class. It doesn't really help me at all, and I am just so bored with it. The worst part is just trying to understand the professor. He's Korean and has a major accent. I spend most of my time concentrating on what he's saying, and because of it, I'm not concentrating on absorbing it. I don't know; it just doesn't seem all that worth it to me.

My leg finally stopped aching. That's a very good thing. I've also gotten enough sleep since Sunday morning. I am feeling so much better. Exhaustion is such a bad experience. I woke up Saturday morning with a sick, queasy feeling because I was so tired. I shouldn't drain myself that much. Speaking of which, I should really get to bed. It's late and I need sleep. Good night all.

Luv,

Jess

Sorry, I just had to use a Cowboy Bebop reference somewhere. Today at the conference, I had a really good time. Despite the lack of any decent sleep last night, I was suprisingly aware most of the day. By little sleep, I mean practically none. I got maybe two hours, neither of which gave me any rest. Whenever I go on a trip staying in the hotel, the first night I can't sleep....ever. My body just doesn't like it in a strange place like that I think. There's also the fact that two people in the room snore really bad. That kept me up too, but I can't blame them for it.

Here I am though, lying on a couch in the memorial union at the campus of Iowa State University, marvelling at just how far I've come in the past two years. There's no way at all I'd have placed myself at a national queer conference. On top of that, I'm completely comfortable here and even presented, which went wonderfully by the way. It's just strange to think back to my homophobic days. I'm happy now with who I am, very happy. I'm proud to be at this point. I really don't quite understand why so much; I just am. That's plenty enough for me.

I find myself seeking out solitude this time of night for some odd reason. I think perhaps I've been surrounded by people all day long and just need that "me" time. I'm just one of those types that needs solitude once in a while. There's also a bit of melancholy in my mood tonight. I've been watching couples all day. In most cases they seem very happy together, and so in love. I suppose I should expect that on Valentine's Day. I, personally, have never experienced this day with a significant other. To me, tis day has always signified my continual and perpetual loneliness that follows me everywhere. Maybe someday this day will have some good meaning for me too, but not this time. Now that the dance has started, I think I'm just going to go home early. I need the sleep anyway. Good Night all.

Luv,

Jessica