Posted on December 9th 2003, 5:26 am
So this past week was....interesting to say the least. Elections were held Tuesday night for the LGBT on campus. I was elected Vice President of the group. So now I have a ton of responsibility. I don't mind so much. I know I can handle it, but still, it's a bit intimidating. I'm glad I didn't get president though. That would have been too much. At least I have my experienced, good friend Chris as president to work with. That will make it a good time.
Wednesday was LGBT panels in the psych 100 classes. So, I got to do two of them, but they ran all day. For the most part, they all went really well. We got a lot of good questions, and the response was mostly positive. The only real negative one I experienced was in the last five minutes of the second panel I did. This one boy had a disgusted look on his face after we all had told our stories and answered questions. He asked us "So do you actually believethat what you're doing is moral?" Then, SNAP, we all went into defense mode. It was obvious that this boy wasn't listening to what we had to say throughout the panel, because he would have had is answer already if he had. His mind was so closed off. We weren't going to get through to him. However, we still defended ourselves and at least had an impact on the other fifty people in the room. We actually had several people come up and thank us for coming. That was impressive. I didn't expect them to do that. It didn't bother me that this person had their own opinion, it was the fact that the comment was so accusatory and so negative. It wasn't even a question really. It was more of just an insult. We had many people throughout the day question us about religion, but none were as harsh as this one person. Needless to say, most of us were upset about it. It bothered me throughout the rest of the day.
So, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I've been kinda been getting to know this girl, Leslie, in the group. Over the past few weeks, we've been getting a little closer. Well this past week, we got very close. We saw each other everyday from Tuesday to Friday for some reason or another. We did a lot of things in groups and watched a lot of movies. It was fun. We cuddled a lot, which is something I missed quite a bit. I really have no idea what's going to happen between us though. It really seems that we are uncomfortable with each other. I'm not really sure exactly why yet, but I think I know why I am. I have certain things about my current body that make me very self conscious. Considering she's a lesbian, I wouldn't be surprised if she's uncomfortable with it too. I'm not really sure if I'm really ready to date just yet. We'll see. I'm in no hurry. Time to go. Class in five minutes. Bye.
Posted on December 7th 2003, 8:26 pm
Wow, a post finally got a response from people. That's great. I never even gave thought to my phrases that I say like "I wanted to kick him" or such could be taken until reading that. When I say it in person, people understand I mean that it's just really frustrating. I'm not a violent person, but now I realize I need to stop using those words. In fact I feel incredibly stupid for not noticing before. So yeah, thanks for pointing that out.
It's very good to know other people's perspectives. Yes, gay in the dictionary does mean happy. However, the comment "That's gay" is always used negatively. I've never heard someone say "That's Gay" after getting an A on a paper or getting someone's number. So it's obvious they don't mean that definition. The phrase stemmed as a negative connotation to the gay community. And even though someone may not intend to mean "that's homosexual", it still passes on the negative use of that word, which most people attribute to the gay population. With that in mind, it's no surprise that a queer individual is going to be offended by it despite it's intent. Just be aware of that when you think about using that phrase the next time.
As far as calling someone mean...I don't think that makes me a hypocrite. People can easily be mean in this world, and my parents both frequently agree with me that my sisters are mean fairly often. I actually had a discussion about it with my mother that Saturday morning of Thanksgiving weekend after my sister made several insulting comments and then left. She definitely intended them as such as well. Trust me, my sister can be mean.
The whole blonde thing....the point of that comment was to suggest that there are phrases out there that she may have been called that could possibly have offended her in the same way. Now...stupid me forgot that she had only dyed her hair blonde a while ago...so I guess the comment doesn't even work for that point (Sorry Angela). But it's just another example of a phrase that can be used to offend another person, even if it's intended to be a joke. The way I phrased it didn't send that meaning across though, so I apologize for that.
I want to point out though, that the purpose of a diary is to get emotions out. I write in this thing so that I can vent some of the feelings I have. By putting this diary online, I am sharing with everyone how I feel and what I think. I'm very much open to criticism and such, so feel free to comment, but ultimately the purpose of this diary is for me. I am a nice person. Some have said I'm too nice, which can be a problem sometimes. I take a lot of shit from people during the day, and I don't let it show, if I can. So when I write on this, it's so I can get those frustrations out. I try really hard not to write things that can be taken the wrong way and such, but we're all capable of slipping up. And that's one of the purposes of these comments, to point out one of those mistakes. I'm very happy to see that people are commenting. It's a sign that some of these topics mean something to people. I'm hoping to see more of it. I'm not always going to write a commentary explaining myself, because I shouldn't have to.
Anyways, thanks to all the readers for the comments. Keep it up, it does help me to change to become a better person, and I hope it helps others too. I'm going to go eat lunch now, but I have a post about my life coming later tonight. So see ya soon.
Posted on November 30th 2003, 8:25 am
I'm not home after my 30 hours of work in two days. I have seen enough of a movie theater for quite a while. Thankfully, I should now be able to afford January's rent. It went well up until the last half hour. I got into a big argument with a coworker over use of the phrase "that's gay". As soon as the words came out of her mouth I said "Don't use that phrase. It's offensive to a lot of people, including me." And she tried to say how she didn't mean it that way. We got into a long debate on how it doesn't matter how she means to say it, it's still offensive. It's equivalent to a racial slur. She claimed that she has her own opinions. I told her that in this case, it doesn't matter what her opinion is. The only opinion that really matters is the one of the minority group the word refers to. It's offensive...bottom line. Don't use it. She eventually stopped the debate and left claiming she has her own opinions. I wanted to kick her across the lobby. I didn't of course....but some people definitely needed it. I should have called her blonde, since she is, and then said I didn't mean it mean. I somehow don't think it would have helped any though. Some people just lack the ability to rationalize and sympathize.
This weekend has really been nothing but frustrating for me. I'm sick of hearing random male pronouns in reference to me. I don't often hear my former name at home anymore, but I think it happened once by my sister. I suppose once isn't as bad as it could have been. Still though, the amount I heard male pronouns way overshoots the potential success with the name. I was cringing all weekend pretty much. I never had any plans of cutting ties, but geez, I'm considering it now. Well...maybe I just don't want to come home anymore. I wish I could get away with that. Maybe next time I'm home I'll wear it big and clear on a shirt or something, "Do I LOOK like a guy to you? Didn't think so."...I dunno. I'm just sick of it. I wanna go back to school. They don't have a clue how much of an insult that is. I didn't go through all this pain and suffering just to be called a guy all the time.
On top of that, I learned this weekend that as of January first, my Dad's company is switching insurance companies again....so it's March all over again. I get to freak out over wheather they will cover anything at all or not. If I'm really lucky...my copay will go down. If I'm lucky it'll stay the same or only go up a dollar or so. Otherwise...yeah, I'm screwed. I can't afford Estrogen patches, Progesterone, Spironolactone, and Finasteride on the money I make at school. I'll definitly be up shit creek.
Oh yeah, on the topic of hormones, I come home and mentioned to my sis that I was curious whether people would be talking or flipping out because I have boobs now. She's like....I didn't notice any. What a nice sister. Now my self image is just down the shit whole and I'm again wondering if I imagined the breast growth or not. I mean, I know I'm not responding very well at all in the chest area. Even with the recently added progesterone....not much of anything. I think the same amount of growth as I did in the last three months. I think my body gets used to the levels and just stops responding after about two weeks. That's how I've felt it everytime they change my prescriptions around. It's just so depressing. I know boobs don't make a girl...but it's an important thing to a TS. Still, I wanted to slap my sister too.
Anyway, It's been a long two days, and I'm going to bed. I'll write again soon.
Posted on November 28th 2003, 6:04 am
I figured I'd make an entry since Lauren has been trying so hard to write me off my own page. This past week has been keeping me on my toes I guess. I had a bad day on Tuesday. Did bad on two tests, one of which I literally never had time to study for. The other isn't really a test you can study for. So I was screwed both ways. Since it's the holidays, everyone was checking out a laptop at work for the long weekend. Usually I can study at work, but not this time. Ug. Not fun.
Tuesday night was nominations for the LGBT officers. I was nominated right away for President. Then I was also nominated for VP. So in the event I don't get President, I'll get VP. I know I really have no choice in the matter of being on the exec staff. Everyone seems to want me there. I don't even know if I want to be there. I've never held office and I'm nominated for President. I think I'd feel a bit like Arnold, only I didn't really choose to run.
This past weekend was the Women's Leadership Conference. I had my workshop first thing Saturday morning. It went really well. I was able to compress the information into just under 50 minutes. That's impressive considering I usually go at least 40 minutes longer. All day long I had random people complimenting me on it though. At noon, someone told me that it was still her favorite of the whole event thus far. That was cool. I had printed 50 business cards before leaving, and came back with about 7. Oh, and there was interest in buying stuff from my former store too. Seems a lot of people want the "T-Friend" shirt. Now's when I get the "demand" part of the supply and demand thing. I should have waited.
The whole event was fun. For the first time I felt accepted and part of the group. I felt accepted as a woman. That was a great feeling. It was a mentally exhausting day though. Nonstop learning. There were workshops from 10 am to 9 pm. There were a couple breaks in there for food, but aside from that it was go go go. I had to take a break at one point just to relax. I needed it. I even ran into an old friend from High School. That was cool.
The bad part was that night. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. The rest of the girls in my room wanted to go see the singer that they had that night. So, I caught a ride back to the hotel on my own. Well, when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key to the room. I went to the front desk, but one girl had signed for all the rooms. So, my name wasn't on the list and I couldn't get a key. So I went back and sat there. While sitting there, I realized that of all the women that were at the seminar, I was the only MTF transgirl. Not that this is uncommon for me or anything, but still, it was upsetting. Just a reminder of my loneliness. I cried right there in the hallway.
After a few minutes I decided to get up and go to the bathroom because I really didn't want to be found. I cried in the bathroom for a while until I could regain control of my emotions again. I then returned to waiting in the hall until finally someone showed up. Once I got into the room, I just wanted to go to sleep. The rest of the girls were planning on drinking and meeting some boys. So, while lying there in the dark room, alone again...I came to another realization. I don't fit in with these girls. It wasn't just a spur of the moment thing though. It was based on the whole weekend. It was amazing how much of a 180 degree turn it was since earlier that day. So, I cried more...this time harder. Eventually I fell asleep.
Yeah, so overall the weekend was good....just had a couple down spots. I just hope the next time I do a conference like that, it's after SRS. At least I wont be so self-conscious about hiding that bulge. Also, electrolysis will be done, so I wont have to worry about swimming either. God I can't wait. Hopefully then, no more transitional worries. Well...time to end this long post. Good night everybody and Happy Thanksgiving.
Posted on November 21st 2003, 7:19 am
This week has just been kicking my ass. I write this now, at 12:36 am when I should be getting to bed because it's the first opportunity I've had to write anything. I had tests this week, I had work, and I had preparing to do for tomorrow. Speaking of which, tomorrow is the first day of the women's leadership conference that I am speaking at. I'm hoping it'll be fun. I'm not sure if I'm really prepared for it, but I think I'll do ok.
So, I felt bad about my sentiments towards Chris, the boy I spoke of in my last entry. So, I decided to talk to him more. I figure, even though he annoyed me last Friday, that doesn't mean I should completely blow the guy off for good. I know if I chat with him more, I may even be able to help him with the issues even he knows he has. I spent a good deal of time talking with him a couple nights ago, and I think I helped. Time will tell there.
This conference has me thinking a lot. There are going to be a lot of women at this event. The question is, am I really ready to try to start looking for a relationship again? Do I want to seek out someone? Am I emotionally ready for that? I'm not sure if I am yet. I definitely still have body image issues to clear up. I dunno, maybe another year of being single and dealing with hair removal and surgery and such. Then maybe I will be comfortable enough with myself and my body. Then maybe I might be ok with a relationship. Then again, maybe a relationship is just what I need right now. We'll see what happens in the next few days. I hope at least I make some new friends. Well, I better get going. I got some stuff still to do before I get some sleep. G'night all.