Blog

Tonight was a blast. I hung out with my new neighbor, Betsy, and her friends. We had a cookout and just sat and talked. It was really fun bonding with three other women. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm connecting with some really amazing women, I forget that I was once physically male. We talked about things ranging from relationships to music to the summer solstice. It was really fun. I wish I could have more nights like that.

Lately I'll admit that I've been spending waaaay too much time playing video games. I recently purchased Fable: The Lost Chapters, and I've been playing it like crazy. It's got a great plot and awesome gameplay. Sooo much fun. However....soooo addicting. Both my friend Dani and I are hooked. Tomorrow she and I are getting together to play our own Single player games together. How bad is that? I'm getting close to the end though. So hopefully my addiction will wane soon.

Other than that I've been reading Riki Wilchins Queer Theory Gender Theory which is blowing my mind. I had spent a little time discussing the affects of postmodernism in my classes...but we never actually discussed what postmodernism itself is. That's what this book is about. I've since discovered that I think in a postmodern form. I've actually argued with postmodern points before, but I didn't even realize it. This book is only 170 pages long, and it's changing my perceptions of the world. It's also changing my very identity. Now that I have latched on to the concept that language is the bane of existence and is oppressive in nature, I've accepted that the words "Man", "Woman", "Masculine", and "Feminine" don't mean anything. They don't make sense anymore. There is no "Man" in society or "Woman" as we as a culture have defined it. So...is there an adequate word that exists to define myself? I don't think there is.

I've also started changing how I word things. For example...gender is not a spectrum. I used to say that it is, and that Masculine and Feminine were the ends of the spectrum with each of us falling somewhere in the middle. That's not right. Not only does it not adequately represent what gender is, it's also reinforcing the gender binary. I think gender is more of a continuum. There are no endpoints, and everyone falls somewhere in the continuum. I think I'll call it the "G" continuum. I'd call it the "Q" continuum...but that doesn't work for two reasons. 1. There is no Q in gender, and 2. Star Trek already took that idea. Yes...I know I'm a nerd.

OK...enough postmodernism for now. I've started looking into jobs and am planning on applying for a few. I'm excited, but first I have to put together a demo DVD. I'm working on that. Plus, I have to perfect my resume. That's the goal for this week yet. Hopefully I wont be too distracted with Fable. In the meantime, I've also met up with a local photographer. He's been showing me the works, and I've been showing him how to use software. It's been a nice pairing. I have a whole bunch of pictures I want to post sometime soon. So...watch for those.

Love life news...the internet girl, Jessica, and I are still talking. It's frustrating because she doesn't communicate as much as I'd like. I still don't know how much I trust her, but that's ok. If it works out, it works out...if it doesn't...it doesn't. My life is in flux now, and I'm going to be moving soon anyway. Where ever I go there will be more dating opportunities than here by a long shot. So, I'm not that concerned. Thanks to those friends that have been concerned and have listened to my frustrations. You all rock. :)

I've been to the library a lot lately. I've been on a huge comic book kick. I have checked out trade paperback and hardcover bound comics just for the fun of it. I read all of Frank Miller's Batman stuff...the stuff that inspired both the recent Batman Begins and the 1989 Tim Burton films. I've also read some X-Men, Spiderman, and Daredevil. It's been interesting and fun. I've found some favorite artists and authors. Oh, and I purchased two copies of Wonder Woman #1...the new Wonder Woman series. I haven't read it yet, but it's very pretty. Let's see...video games, computers, comic books, and anime...all I need now is to start playing Dungeons and Dragons and my journey to the ultimate nerd side will be complete. ;)

OH!! One last thing before I sign off for the night. I was called by GenderPAC this past Monday. They asked me if I'd be interested in doing an interview with Newsweek magazine. How cool is that? So I've contacted the reporter and am just waiting to hear back. We'll see what happens with that. The New York Times interview is still in the works too. Let me say that I feel like I have an agent. GenderPAC is awesome.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens. OK...I'm off. Bye for now.

Luv,
Jess

I don't know why, but I continually get myself into online relationships. They never work out the way I want them to. I always manage to find the women that either claim they "don't have a cell phone", send me pictures and such claiming they are someone else, don't talk to me on a regular basis, want nothing but online sex, etc etc etc. I'm really sick of it.

I realize that there are real people I could talk to. However, given that I'm not living in a Metropolis, that's only half true. There are real people that I could meet and talk to, but this area is not fraught with sexy feminine women who also happen to like women. Most of the women here are very masculine. Plus, there's really only one place to go if you want to meet gay people, and that's the gay bar. And since smoking is allowed here, it's pretty gross there. So...the combination of lack of places to meet people, and lack of people to meet makes it incredibly difficult to date anyone in town. So logically Ms. Computer nerd guru turns to the same place she has already gotten her back stabbed several times...the net.

Lately I've been "seeing" this girl named Jessica...no not me. I'm not seeing myself. Yes I know it's weird that we have the same name. Yes I...shut up already. Stop rubbing it in...are you done now? Are you? ok...let me continue then. So yeah, she's from out of state and isn't doing well financially because of family issues. When I say "lately" I've been seeing her, really I mean like...six months off and on. We met a long time ago. She's been interested in me since. I've just been trying to avoid online relationships entirely. However, I decided to open up to her recently and have found myself very attracted to her.

Then, once I start getting a bit more serious...suddenly she disappears from the face of the planet. Our conversations have been intermittent before, but now it's all but ceased entirely. If there's one thing I've learned about myself lately, it's been that I really need to have communication between whoever I'm interested in and myself. Otherwise, especially with online situations, I start to question things. I start wondering what she's doing in all that time, if she's seeing someone else, if she's stringing me along, if all of it's bullshit. Safe to say, I don't fully trust her. I've never been given a show of faith though. So I don't really know if I should. Considering my past situations with online love, I have every reason not to.

So yeah...here I am again in a situation where I feel like I'm getting strung along and I don't know what to do. I hate it, and I wish I could tell her how I feel. Unfortunately she's never online to have a conversation with. So...I'll just sit here wallowing in my emotions and cursing the fact that I let myself get emotionally attached again. The next time I start mentioning online relationship sort of stuff, please someone smack me in the head with a 2x4 or something.

Luv,
Jess

So...3:00 am a couple of nights ago I had to call the cops. I live next to a bar, and a drunkard decided that my balcony, which is accessible from the street, was an excellent choice for his night's slumber. I wouldn't have noticed he was even there if it weren't for kitty. He was over by the window peeking out. So I peeked out too. I was a bit surprised. So I called the non-emergency number. I happen to live literally across the street from the cop shop. So it took them about 2 minutes to get here.

There was some interesting conversation going on between the cop and the drunkard, mainly coming from the drunkard. It involved him having 16 thousand dollars in his wallet...then five minutes later him having 2 thousand dollars in his wallet...et cetera et cetera. So it was pretty interesting. Eventually he finally got the point that he had to leave and headed home. The cop called me to tell me everything was clear and that the guy was told that he'd go to jail if he came back. What a fun and exciting life I live...

In other news, I've been designing a solid database for the new website. I've also been working on the background for my animated series. It'll be neat and I'm excited about both projects. For now though...tis dinner time. Write more later.

Luv,
Jess

So...summer has hit. I've been relaxing a lot this first week. A lot of money has been going out lately, which is bad. However, a lot of it has been practical. Like...needed new clothes, a new bookshelf to house my text books and recently acquired gender library, and the occassional bill too. Some of it has been on non-practical stuff too, like Samurai Jack season 2, a new copy of the Lord of the Rings, and an expasion to the card game Lunch Money. No worries though, it was expected and planned for. So, it's all good.

I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning. I've gone through a whooooole ton of old documents and junk that was cluttering up my apartment. I cleaned a lot of my apartment too. My mother would be proud because it's starting to look shiny...really. I even dusted. My desk is bare. I have to work on my bedroom still, but that's the next target. Really I think my place is looking rather nice.

Now that things are cleaner, and I have more time...I'm starting to think about improvements to be made on translife. I'm not just talking adding features...I actually want to replace the entire backbone of software. I've learned some ruby on rails and plan to spend some major time revamping. My goal is to design a new diary/blog system integrated fully with the forums combined with photo galleries and the wiki. Essentially people will have one screen name and password for the entire site. I want avatars, moods, "currently reading/watching/enjoying..." stuff...everything. So...comment and give me your suggestions and thoughts. I'll post an entry in the forums too. Anyway, I'm getting my car looked at in the morning. So I think I'm going to head to bed. I'll post more in the next few days. See ya later.

Luv,
Jess

I was pleasantly surprised with my GPA this semester. I ended with a 3.47. Rockin!!

Luv,
Jess