Today has been hell. First off I should backtrack. I applied for an internship with a large company. I've already had a meeting with the head of the department. So he knows I've been persistent and interested. On Monday I got a call from HR to set up a formal interview. I was at work at the time and couldn't respond right away.

The woman called me at noon. I called back about 30 minutes later and got a voicemail. I repeatedly called back until her voicemail changed saying she was out of the office Monday afternoon and Tuesday. Talk about frustrating!! I left a message specifying that I called her back and would call again on Wednesday when she was back in. I left my name, and my number in case she wanted to call me.

Today I call her, and she asked if she could call me back after she pulled my file. That was around noon today. Guess what...it's almost 4:30 and she hasn't called me back. I sit here wondering if I should call again and risk being a pest, or if I should wait it out. Either way...it's driving me crazy.

That's story number 1. Story number 2 is that I applied for a job last week with a realty company doing video production for them.  Tuesday I got a call to discuss the company and the job details. I wasn't available at the time the phone call came, so I've been calling back like mad. I keep calling and getting voicemail. I've left a voicemail every day so far to be persistent. I'm going to continue until I get someone. My guess is that the woman that called me is out of the office too. Arrrrrrrggggg!!!!!! That's all I have to say. I've already screamed and stomped my feet from frustration at home. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

~Jess 

It may seem as if I've been neglecting translife for a while, and quite honestly...I'd have to say that's true. I've been pretty solidly focused on some other things right now. For example, job hunting is probably the biggest one. My social life has also taken more of a front seat instead of a back seat. Yeah that's right friends, Jessica has been having fun for a change.

 Honestly...I wish I could be moving faster, and I'm trying. I'm devoting time each week to getting this site updated. By the time you all read this, the new version will be up and running for everyone instead of just me. So um...hey ain't it cool? Doesn't it look and function nicely? I think so. Heck...I'm already using it. Why wouldn't I think it's cool. It only took me about 8 or 9 months to finally find something that would do what I needed. I'm very proud of the changes. I hope you all like them.

On another note, I feel bad. Just about every day something happens that I feel is something I'd love to add to my blog. I just forget about it by the time I get home or to my computer. Or...I am so engrossed in getting something accomplished that I set the blogging aside. I hope that changes with this update. I would love to be writing daily updates instead of monthly ones. For starters, I don't have to write books each time. It'd actually save me time in the long run.

 So with that, the topic of today: As some of you may be aware, I have been on a spiritual journey of late. I've been filling a lot of my work and free time with reading spirituality related books and films. The first major spiritual philosophy I've tackled is the Judeo/Christian/Islam paradigm. I just finished a book called "101 Myths of the Bible" written by Gary Greenberg, and it was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read. I find myself wanting to talk to a lot of people about what I read about, but I hold back because I don't want them to think I am attacking what they believe in.

A part of me has been dealing with my own prejudice towards Christianity. I think my prejudice comes with a good reason, but that doesn't make it good or justified that it's present. I don't want to be prejudice, so I've been fighting it. The reason for my prejudice is simple: the way LGBT people including myself have been treated has not been good. I immediately go on the defensive around people who declare themselves to be of the Christian persuasion. I find myself thinking thoughts like "They're going to attack me for being trans or lesbian. I need to get away from this person or undermine their reasoning." Essentially it's a fight or flight reaction.

My goal right now is to actively address these thoughts as they occur and acknowledge that they are prejudice thoughts. This technique has really helped me open up and be friends with some coworkers that I'd probably back away from normally. So, it's helping.  And since it is, I'll continue to attack these thoughts in the same way as they appear.

Prejudice has been something that I became acutely aware of recently because I discovered one of my close friends was blaming all of her problems on people of a certain skin color. She refused to take any personal responsibility for negative things that happened to her. She was and to my knowledge still is putting the blame solidly on people that are less fortunate than her, namely black people. I called her on her prejudice and blatantly racist attitude, but she wouldn't back down. So unfortunately, I ended the friendship. Perhaps that wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I had hoped it would send a message to her that racism is not something that is welcome or tolerated. I hope for her sake and for the people around her's sake, she opens up and changes.  It's hard to accept that you are being racist or prejudice, and it's even harder to address and try to change. But it's worth the effort.

Anyway, I'll try to post more tomorrow. I have off and have time. So until then...see ya later.

 ~Jess
 

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted. It's not that I've been away from TransLife. Actually far from it. I've been focused on the redesign. I've been hesitant to write new entries in this blog system because of the new one that will be live in a week or so. I'm really excited for this major change to the website. We're expanding, and that's a great thing. So for now...this is my brief little update. Watch for the new design in a week or so. It'll be really cool. Until then...see ya.

Jessica

Today has been a huge boring waste of a day. I woke up late, didn't want to move, and sat in my desk chair for several hours talking with friends. I realize that every once in a while we need days like that, but I always feel guilty when that happens. I have so much to do, and none of it is getting done. Still...I think a part of me is enjoying the lack of use of my brain. It's probably the weather. It's pretty dreary out.

Anyway, in other news, I have a girlfriend now. We made it official on Saturday night. So that's great. We giggle so much when we're together. It's pretty awesome that we enjoy each other's company so much. Several friends have told me to invite them to the committment ceremony, which I think is funny. That's not even a consideration right now. We're just enjoying each other and such.

Job news...I got called by a recruiting firm about a possible job on Friday. Sent them my resume, but otherwise haven't heard anything. It's a rather high paying job, which suggests to me that I wont get the job. I'm trying to be optimistic though. I also applied for a couple more jobs. I take it a week at a time. I send out three or four a week, which is a good pace I think. Still a bit discouraging though... I make around 400 dollars a month right now. It barely pays my bills, and my credit card debt is just mounting. Christmas is coming, and I can't afford to buy anyone anything. This is why I hated the holidays last year. If you recall...I was a huge sourpuss then. It may be the same this year.

TransLife has become a bit of a stagnant point for me. I want to do stuff with it, but I don't have any resources to do anything as of yet. I need a job before I can really do anything with it. So for now, I just have to leave it as is. I might get the motivation to be uber productive on it, but we'll see. I have my research to finish, which has been sitting on my desk for months. I also have my job apps to send out. I have my professional website that I'm working on...slowly. I also have my spiritual journey occupying my thoughts, and my epic story which I want to turn into an animated series is taking most of my focus. I can't help it. My creative mind is seeking an outlet, and the story is taking up most of that outlet energy. It's coming along nicely, but I feel guilty because I should be doing other things.

That's where I'm at right now...on the positive...Tracy is my girlfriend, and on the negative...feeling stuck in my job and life right now. It makes for some interesting emotional swings. I see Tracy, and things are great. Then...I work my stupid part time job, and I get depressed. Ups and Downs. I'm surviving, but I truly hope things look better soon.

Oh yeah...on another positive, I met with a guy at the local tech school about television production and my talents. For once, I had someone tell me I had skills. He basically said that anyone with an eye for video could and should be able to see that I have talent. I just need a little bit of investment in time. He suggesting I take a course in High Definition Video production next semester, which I'm already working on getting registered for. And then he's also compiling a list of locations I could send my resume and such to. So perhaps things will look up soon. Cross your fingers for me if you could. Thanks.

Well...I should get ready for work and clean up my mess in my room. Talk to you all soon.

Luv,

Jess

The winds of change have worked their magic. A lot's been going on for me. I've been working a lot. Unfortunately it hasn't been a career type job. I'm still just working part time at the movie theater while I search for work. I've currently got 9 resumes out, and the 10th will probably go out tomorrow. So things are hopefully looking up.

Let's see...updates since the last entry. I finally finished my latest series. I did that about a week after I wrote the last entry. So that's done and out of my mind. I was happy with the end, but at the same time, it could have been better. Ah well...we did our best, and that's what counts.

After I finished my series, I decided to recut my demo reel, which I may have mentioned before as being required for getting a video type job. I made a cut I was satisfied with, put it online, and showed it to some friends that I very recently met. Both of them are really deep into the video / film industry. Basically they looked at my reel and told me it was crap. They gave my work a lot of criticism that really helped me see things differently. I had no idea what a real demo reel was supposed to look like until I talked to them.

So I recut it again. I'd have to say all in all I recut my reel four times. Finally I was left with something that they were both satisfied with, and I was proud of. However, I was left feeling like I knew very little about video production. My hopes for a video career were somewhat dashed, but I guess it was a good thing. I feel like I have a fresh perspective on my skills and talents. I'm applying for any job I have experience in right now. Really for me it serves as a medium for getting my hands on a video camera and making more films. So as long as I get a job I don't hate, I'll be ok.

Relationship news... a lot has changed. As of about a week ago, the long distance relationship ended. I'm actually quite happy about it. In my last entry I posted the communication got better. Well...that didn't last long. After a couple weeks, she reverted back to saying "Hi, love you, gotta go" and that was it. Eventually I got sick of it and essentially told her to get a phone and call me. That was a catalyst to a huge fight, which ended in the breakup. She was demanding I do ourtrageous things to get her back. I took a step back and looked at our relationship, and my eyes really opened. For the first time I saw her for the controlling, obsessive, unstable, and abusive girl she was. After that, all attraction I had for her disappeared. I was happy to see the relationship end. I hope she'll be ok. It sounded like she had a lot of issues to work out.

In the meantime, I had a girl send me a message on Yahoo Personals. I was shocked, because I had looked through the profiles on that site about a week earlier and thought that she was cute. But I didn't think she'd be interested in me. So I didn't say anything, and then a week later I get a message from her. It was a really sweet message basically saying that she was smitten and paid for an account just to message me. I was totally flattered, and of course had to write back. And that's the beginning. :)

We called each other, then we set up a first date in a coffee shop. We ended up closing the shop because we were there so long talking. Needless to say it went well. I was a little concerned on how she would take me being trans, but it really was a non-issue. I told her within the first five minutes. Anyway, since that date, we've gone out several more times. She even met my parents this past weekend. They really like her too.

So yeah, things have been going well. The relationship is progressing at a pace that she and I seem to both be comfortable with. The distance between us (about an hour drive) is actually proving to be helpful right now. We can't rush things, which is nice. I will definitely keep you all posted on what happens. Oh and by the way, she's a great kisser. *wink*

Other than that, it's mainly just been me working at the movie theater a lot, and me sending out resumes a lot. I still have to finish my research, which is so close to being done. I've been reading a lot lately. I read this book called "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn, which is a really interesting perspective on our society as well as some religious concepts. I'm reading a book on spiritual healing called "Essential Reiki" by Dianne Stein, which is really enlightening. I'm also reading a book by the Dalai Lama called "Stages of Meditation". Essentially I've been on my own spiritual journey lately. After seeing the documentary "What the bleep do we know", I've been on this quest. It's been very spiritually fulfilling, and that's great since I haven't felt in the right spiritual mind for a while.

I'm seeking something internally, and I think I'm finding it now, which is such a great feeling. After having my Christian faith ripped from me due to religious intolerance of difference years ago, I've felt rather lost. I think that was sadly necessary because it allowed me to see my own faults and my former faith from a new perspective. I saw the blindness, and the closed spirit I once had. It allowed me to grow, which I'm grateful for. We don't always get to see the faults of who we were and of the religion we followed. So it was really a blessing.

I'm finding that I'm now more of an amalgamation of things. I've retained some Christian concepts, but I view them differently now. I'm more of a buddhist than anything really. I guess perhaps the best way to describe me is spiritual. It's not about religion anymore for me. It's about finding the right path and the truths that are universal.

Anyway, enough about that. I've been doing a lot of me things, because I've needed to. I set a lot of stuff aside to figure some things out, and it's been great. I've finally started to feel like I can be productive again. I'll admit I set aside the TransLife updates because I needed it. I'm only now starting to look at what I can do for the site, which is daunting. We'll see if I can come up with something. The software out there isn't looking promising. I may have to either design something myself or pay for something....neither of which I have time for right now. Hopefully after I get a job things will change in that area.

I'm rambling, so I think I'm going to go. Thanks for tuning into Jessica's monthly update!! Tune in next time for another exciting episode. Hehe. See you all later. :)

Luv,

Jess