Posted on August 17th 2005, 6:57 pm
Today I got notice that my high school band director died. He was
52. That man was one of strongest influences on my life. I actually
almost majored in music because of him. I have some pretty great
memories too. We had become friends by the time I left school.
Unfortunately we had lost touch since I went off to college.
After he retired from my high school, he got his doctorate and moved up
in the world. He was the head of the jazz music program at Marquette
University. He had been in that position for only a couple years. I
went to high school with both of his children. His daughter was in my
class and I played 1st chair trombone with his son. We sat next to each
other every day.
He taught me what music really is. He taught me how to really play, how
to lead, and how to love music. He even sold me my trombone, a rare
1950's Martin Committee lead trombone. I had intended on selling it
back to him, since it's not getting the use it should be. He had told
me that he wanted it back if I ever thought about selling it.
I had dreams that I would run into him. Every time I went home I would
worry about it. A lot of things have drastically changed about me that
many people in high school don't know about. Some of them probably wont
approve at all...but all the same, I still wanted to meet him again.
Now I wont get that opportunity. His memorial service is this weekend.
I'll be there. I never thought I'd cry, but I am.
Posted on August 10th 2005, 4:15 am
So tonight I find myself kinda in a ho hum mood. I’ve avoided this ho hum mood for the past few days because I've had my head stuck in HTML, CSS, and PHP code. As you can see, I've been revamping the website to be more...cool I guess. When not doing that I've either been at work or watching Sailor Moon SuperS...cause I'm a dork like that. Right now most of my friends are gone. So it's been pretty lonely.
I can't help but think about Sabrina though. She's going through a lot right now, and I want to be there for her. Unfortunately I can't due to distance issues and lack of funding to get there. I miss her a lot because she's been spending a lot of time with her dad. I send her messages here and there to tell her I care about her and that I'm thinking of her and her family. It's really all I can do to help.
Yet, find myself feeling incredibly insecure because I haven't heard much of the ""I care about you""s back. Now…considering my past with dating, it's not too surprising that I'd feel that way. I generally get hurt. So...not getting that emotional reenforcement would cause insecurity. HOWEVER, I also feel incredibly selfish for feeling that way. I mean, her father is struggling with lung cancer. She has every right and need to spend time with him. So...my selfish feelings have me also feeling guilty. I'm an ass for feeling this way...So, it's no surprise I have this ho hum mood. As she pointed out to me the other night...relationships are hard.
I care about her a lot and I want her to spend time with her father. So, I will just have to deal I guess. In the meantime...I guess more code and more Sailor Moon might help...I hope. Wish me luck.
Posted on August 4th 2005, 12:46 am
My vagina is one year old officially today. I'm so excited. I bought chocolate for my friends in housing to celebrate. A friend gave me most of a piece of French Silk pie...soooo good. It's been a pretty good day thus far. Plus, the new design for the diaries is up. I hope you like it. I definitely do. It's not fully done yet. I'm going to be adding neat stuff like e-mail subscriptions to diaries, printable versions of posts, the ability to e-mail posts to friends, integration with the forum, who is online info, WYSIWYG text editors, and more. It's a work in progress.
So anyway, on to the life update. The past few weeks have been good for me. I'll start with the really influential stuff. The day after I got stood up for a date, I was on redvsblue.com. It's a fun website that is video game/film oriented. It has a small journal on it and I syndicated the info about getting stood up on it. I was getting these messages from this girl about film all of a sudden. Then, she started hitting on me. We got to talking and discovered we had a lot in common.
At the time, I was still pretty upset about being stood up. If you know me at all through my diary, you knwo that I am not big on internet long distance stuff. Nor do I have good history with them. Nor do I have much trust in the people I meet online. Yet...here I find myself face to face with a girl that's extremely interested and I find myself interested back.
Her name is Sabrina. She's from Texas. That's pretty long distance for me. I will admit that I went into it fully expecting nothing to happen. I expected that we would talk and flirt for a couple days. I came out to her the second day about being trans. She didn't care at all...like...totally cool. I figured that'd be it...but it continued. We talked every night for the next two and a half weeks, and I mean we really talked. It was at least an hour each time.
Despite my trust issues and reservations about things like this, I found myself having real feelings for her. Since then, they've only grown. Lauren and Julie have noticed a distinct improvement in my attitude as well. I'm a lot less depressed and stand-off-ish. I'm happier and much more cheery. Julie even said she liked me like that. Grumpy Jess sucks. Its nice to feel this way too.
I'm incredibly insecure about the whole relationship though. Every night I think she's not going to come online to talk to me. And every night I'm happily surprised. I have friends that are worried that I'm going to get hurt again, and they have right to do so. They care about me, and that means a lot. But we're still going strong. I like that. Though, I haven't talked to her in a couple days. She found out her dad's cancer is relapsing. So she went home to be with him for a bit. I know I'll talk to her when she gets back. Wish me luck with this. I really need it.
Aside from that, I got to go home for my older sister's wedding shower. Honestly, I wasn't really looking forward to it that much. Yet, it turned out to be a lot of fun. When I heard my cousin Sherrie was going to be there, I was excited. We've e-mailed several times, but we haven't seen each other in ages. In fact, she had never seen me as Jessica in person prior to this weekend. She’s really awesomely cool though. We bonded during the party. I think we're going to be good friends from now on...at least I hope. I know she's going to read this, so I also must say that she is beautiful. I've always thought that from when I was younger. I just wanted everyone to know that. :)
I also got to be the photographer at the shower. That was a blast. I took about 200 photos. I'll post some of them in the gallery soon. A few of my favorites are of little Kalina. She's my sister's soon-to-be step daughter. She's 2 years old and is probably the most adorable thing I've seen aside from kittens and puppies...hmmm or they could come in at a tie. I'm not sure. I'll post those pictures too. :)
The night before the shower I was visiting my best friend Seth. He's a gamer geek...which is cool in my book, and he runs a gaming store by my home town. Despite the fact that I never was a gamer, I still think gaming is cool and geeky at the same time. I stop in to say hi every time I can. The store now carries the new Star Wars Master Replica Force FX lightsabers. They're about $130. I got to play with the ones on display. Soooo much fun. I hit a nerd in the head. Hehehe :D.
Seth and I got to catch up on stuff. I got to hang out and bond with his future fiancee (they are so going to get married). And it was fun. I found out what their plans are for when they eventually do get married. I was going to be Seth's best man before the transition. Obviously things have changed. Turns out that Hannah, his future fiancee, would have loved to have her brother in the wedding too. So instead of the regular thing, I get to be the Best Maid and her brother will be the Man of Honor. :) So cool for me.
So that's my last few weeks that I can think of. I'll write an addition later if I need to. Enjoy the new site design and I'll write again soon. Bye.Luv,
Posted on August 1st 2005, 7:27 am
So...before my life update which I will do later today...as in after I sleep, I wanted to share an fun event that happened tonight. I got home from my parents house at about midnight. I brought everything up to my apartment and noticed about 5 big spiders in the hallway. Normally I can tolerate that. They live there...they eat and don't bother me. However, they get kinda big. These were a bit bigger than a quarter. So I decided....not cool.
I went inside and grabbed my broom. Low and behold there's one on my ceiling. So I killed it, and then killed the ones in my hallway. I feel kinda bad killing them, but I just don't like the possibility that they could get in my place like that one did.
I looked down the hall and noticed some strange motion on the balcony. I decided to check it out. I went and turned on the lights and walked out. Immediately I saw like...10 of the darned spiders all of which were rather large. I decided to do nothing about it then. Instead tomorrow I'm buying some Raid or something that will kill them. I'd rather keep them away.
Suddenly I see that strange motion again. Something was moving into the balcony from one of the archways. I ducked and a bat flew in and then back out after it realized I was there. It was about 4 feet away from me. I was so freaked because it was so unexpected. It didn't necessarily scare me that much...just freakishly cool.
I moved my car to the parking lot, which is behind my place. You can see the balcony from there. I watched the three or four bats looping around the balcony area, flying in and out of the balcony. I've suspected that bats live in the balcony for the entire time I've lived here. This is the first time I've seen them. I don't mind them at all. They control the insect population and havent caused any harm. Of course I did just kill several spiders that do the same thing, but those can get in my place and bit me easier than the bats could.
So yeah...that's my night. I'll check back in later today to give the full update complete with photos. :) See ya then.
Posted on July 29th 2005, 2:55 am
Hey everyone. I have bad news. My computer is slowly dying. I want to fix it, but I lack the funds. I've been trying to design a new page and get things working, but right now the computer overheats and reboots so much that it's impossible. School starts in the fall, and I'm getting some financial aid. That'll help, but tuition is also taking a jump too. So, it's going to be hard for me to do much. I guess I'm saying I could use a little help. If you feel charitable and would be willing to spare a few bucks...even so little as like 5 dollars, you'd be awesome in my book. Just think, you're contributing to keeping this site running and in it's best shape.
On an added note, I will be posting an update soon. Keep a watch for it. :) In the meantime, enjoy the picture of the cheat and myself. Thanks everyone.