Last night, Jess was working one of the other booths. So we got a chance to talk a couple times. I happened to mention to someone who knew her better that I have a huge crush on her, but don't think she's interested. She suggested I should ask her out. Apparently she's always talking about not having anyone to date. So...yeah, after I got encouragement from just about everyone around me, I went for it.

I walked up and crouched down, so it was less noticeable. It was a big public area and I didn't want to make a huge scene. I was just very direct. Here's the conversation as best and close to how it went:

Jess: "Are you leaving?"

Me: "No, I just have to go run a meeting and will be back."

Jess: "Oh, ok"

Me: "But I have something I need to say first...So, I have a huge crush right now"

Jess: *Blush* *smile* *surprise*

Me: "And I was wondering, I know you've seen the show already, but I have two tickets to the show tomorrow and wanted to know if you'd like to go."

Jess: *concerned look* "But I have to work the booth tomorrow too"

Me: "So do I"

Jess: "Oh well, then I guess that would work. Sure, that'd be great."

From there, it was me trying very hard to not make an ass of myself before I left, which I think I accomplished well enough. I was giddy beyond giddy the rest of the night. So there's the explaination of the title...I was way wrong in my last entry. I'm glad I didn't give up.

It's only 10:30 in the morning right now. I have 8 hours before I'll actually see her again, and I have butterflies already!! It's going to be a very interesting night. I'll write about it tomorrow. Now, I have to study for my History exam at noon. Wish me luck.

Luv,

Jess

Wow it's been busy. This is the third time I've sat down to write this entry. Every time so far I've been interrupted by something important. But now, when it's really late at night and I should be sleeping, I have time. It's been a rollercoaster for sure.

So, I have that major crush on the lesbian girl. I was daydreaming all weekend about it. I knew I shouldn't be because everytime I get a crush and my hopes up, I get hurt. So all weekend I spent trying to not think about it and just move on. It sorta worked. I saw her Monday though and the spark flared up again. I was giddy....really giddy. Leslie saw the whole thing too. I'm sure she was getting tired of me talking about my crush the whole night.

Funny though, by Tuesday the infatuation had subsided somewhat. I felt good about that. It was nice to have a clear head for once. Looking back, I felt so stupid. I don't even know the girl. I have no reason to like her so much. I should maybe get to know her first...I mean really. How foolish can I be?

Today just reinforced my feelings of being foolish. I saw her, and she said hi in a very "not interested" way. Very casual and just kept going. It was at that moment. I really learned why they are called "crushes". It's because in the end, that's what happens to your heart. It gets crushed. And to top that off, I was sitting at the LGBT table for the Vagina Monologues surrounded by lots of women. A lot of them were dressed really nice and were all very pretty. The longer I was there, the more insecure I felt. My mood just went downhill all night. Great, only two more nights of that to go.

Here's the good news though. Yesterday I was informed that I have been named a "Vagina Warrior" and will be honored and given an award at the Friday night Vagina Monologues. I was so surprised and shocked when I heard that. I had no idea anything of the sort would happen. They gave me two VIP passes to the show. I have to go up on stage for this too. So, wow, what an honor. I don't even have a vagina yet. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow to find something to wear for it. I hope at least that night doesn't depress me.

Well, tomorrow is injection day and meeting day. I'll see her again, but I don't think it'll be anything special. Whatever happens will pretty much determine whether I even try anymore. I'm really thinking I'm just not meant to be with anyone. We'll find out. I'll write about it tomorrow night. For now I'm going to go and get some food. See ya.

Luv,

Jess

That's the title of my first movie....or wait no. But my Thursday did involve both. It was an emotionally trying day. My morning and normal class day went fine. It wasn't until the afternoon until the rollercoaster happened.

In the morning, I was walking to class. As I left one of the buildings, guess who I run into, but the cute lesbian girl I mentioned on my Wednesday post. Her name is Jessica. She was advertising for student elections. She saw me and asked me if I had voted yet, which I had not. She then said, "Since we have the same name, we should vote for the same people." That may not be exactly right, but it's close. So, yeah, I left after that to get to class on time.

After class, I was heading back over to the other side of campus so I could actually vote, and guess who I cross paths with. Jess asked me if I had voted yet, and I told her I was on my way to. She then asked me if I was coming to the meeting at 5:00. The organization she's in is missing an LGBT chair and she said I should consider it. I told her I'd be there.

So, I voted and went off to run some errands before the meeting. Got my prescriptions filled and decided while I was at the store that I was going to buy a Gamecube. So I did that too. I had the extra money and I had been wanting one for about 6 months. I bought a bunch of crap with it and ended up spending more than I probably should have, but I didn't care.

I headed back to get to the meeting on time. And this is where my day started downhill. Jess was there, and that was cool. She's cute. I think I've gotten that point across now. I think it was the topics the group was discussing that started depressing me. A few of the topics were birth control, gynecology in University Health Services, etc. All of it stuff that is so normal for every other woman, but not me. I felt so out of place...like I didn't belong there. I just found myself daydreaming for a lot of it. Then, they get to the LGBT part of the meeting, and one of my friends starts spouting off all the information that I should have been. She's not even an officer. Granted she's a former officer and is usually very outspoken...to put it politely. But still, she knew more of the dates than I did. I felt like such a failure. Like, I'm the vice president of the LGBT group, and I don't even know when our events are.

So I was thinking about that for the next hour after that, just letting it dig in. I went to get food, but the whole time I just wanted to cry. I was thinking about how sick I am of having the harder life. How I have to be different from everyone else. Life is just so unfair, but I had to keep going. I headed back to get ready for the LGBT meeting after getting my food. When I got back into the student center, guess who I ran into again....yup Jessica. This time it was more of a one on one thing. She and I talked and it was cool. I asked her how she did in the polls. She got elected to senate. I congratulated her and told her I voted for her. Then I said, "Then again, I always vote for the cute girls." At that point I left, because I knew if I stayed longer I'd make an ass of myself. But she seemed flattered.

So the meeting I was worried about. The president was gone, so I had to run it myself. I wasn't in all that great of emotional state either. So I was fighting to get myself under control, and did ok. Surprisingly, the meeting went really really well. It actually went better than meetings normally go. I was amazed. I think it's because I planned ahead and was much more organized than I have been before. I think I could handle running the group. It really boosted my confidence too. I needed that.

All in all I ended the day feeling proud of myself. I had a weird emotional thing happen where I was really down and just about started crying, and ended the day happy. I also made the first move....I guess you could put it that way. I really hope something happens with Jessica. I think she's really cute....did I mention that yet? I hope I see her more often now. I just hope she isn't uncomfortable with trans people. I wouldn't be surprised though. Such is the life of a transgender. I'll write more later.

Luv,

Jess

So, yesterday was my job interview...no that wasn't the good thing. It went well, but it wasn't fun. The fun part was after that. I went to talk to Libby, a lesbian friend that had some research questions for me. We met at a little coffee shop. It was fun. We talked for a long time, and now we're better friends.

The best part was that she was talking about a friend of hers, also named Jessica. I remember this girl from one of my presentations on campus. I remember thinking she was really cute, but just assuming she was straight. Well, Libby tells me she's not, and she's also single and looking. I told her to send Jess my way. She would try.

Someone asked me last night online if it would be weird dating someone with my same name. I don't think it will be, but it might get confusing. I know it was when my friends Chris and Chris were dating. But again...I don't care. On top of that, I'm getting way too far ahead of myself. I need to see this girl again first and get past saying hi. I know the next time I see her I'll get butterflies. That's ok though. Those are fun.

Today, another good thing happened. While I was getting ready this morning, I checked my accounts online to see if everything was ok. I noticed there was a lot more money in my account than there should have been. I found a deposit of $1,000 in there that I had no idea where it had come from. After picking my jaw up from off the floor, I reasoned that I would have to find out where this is from, because if it was a bank error, it'd get taken away. Well, I first e-mailed my parents, and they responded rather quickly. Apparently that was their tax break for each child in school or something. So they gave it to me and my sisters.

Apparently my dad was going to call or e-mail me about this before, but forgot to. That's no surprise since he never remembers to do that sort of thing. He's getting old. I'm excited though. My rent is pretty much covered until the end of the semester now. And I think I'm going to look into getting laser on my lower back. Or maybe I'll finally buy a Gamecube. I've wanted to get one of those for quite a while. We'll see. Well, back to work.

Luv,

Jess

So, yeah, my professor almost didn't take my assignment today. I was really sick on Friday. I left work early and didn't go to class. I e-mailed her and told her I was sick. That's what you're supposed to do. Apparently though, today when I turned in my assignment that was due Friday, I was informed I was supposed to have a doctors note for being sick. She almost didn't take the paper.

I'm sorry, but I find that to be a little ridiculous. I'm not going to go to the doctor to get a note if I just have a nasty cold. I knew I needed to sleep and get a lot of vitimin C for a few days. I'm not three years old needing a doctor to tell my my nose is running. I can take care of myself.

I talked to some friends about it, and I guess they don't even try to make up stuff anymore if they're sick. Apparently there are a lot of professors that require doctors notes now. What a waste. I understand the need to confirm us actually being sick, but she could have also accepted a note from my workplace, which sent me home early. They knew I was sick. Ugh...I'm just frustrated. I guess whining about it doesn't change anything though. I'll be quiet now.

Luv,

Jess