Gaping upwards at the burning sky

through cloudy eyes

I see clearly the comforting light

as blue as my wilting heart

like emerald green flames of my envy

rising towards unseeing heights

disappearing in the depths

pinons of an unknown dance

streaking like tears

dissipating into the river of stars

as fleeting as infatuation...

The aurora of my heart.

Goodbye Sabrina.

Today was a good day. Even though I woke up all stressed out and

lost sleep because of worrying about the Open House, today really just

rocked. I woke up all worried that I wouldn't have everything ready and

that people wouldn't come to the Open House. Plus, I got a call from my

advertising director about forgetting to lock up the studio. After that

call I freaked out because I forgot to tell her we had to put our

banner on a specific side of the building. We would get yelled at.

So...sleep didn't work out so well.

All the worry was for naught though. The Open House went so great. Lots

of people came and applied. The interviews went awesome for the staff

that was hiring. People had fun. I finally felt like things were

getting going. Also, I'm so excited now for how awesome this semester

is going to be with the studio. Now I just got to remember that my

school work is more important...;).

OK, beyond that, I should give a Sabrina update. The reason I sent that

message to her was because she just wasn't communicating. If you've

read my diary, you know that I've had issues with girls just ceasing

all contact with me. So, I wasn't about to let that happen with her.

Turns out she's just been really bad at communicating lately. Maira is

just a friend of hers and she sincerely apologized for freaking me out

and hurting me. I sent a reply back basically stating what my friends

were telling me and that I was hurt more than I was mad. I told her

that the relationship would die if we didn't talk...etc. I was very to

the point..maybe even blunt, but it was necessary. She got the point.

I knew she got the point when she referred to herself as a "worthless

girlfriend". I don't think she's worthless and I told her that. I mean,

the reason I even was upset in the first place was because I cared.

So...I really think things will be better now. I'll keep you posted on

any changes.

Speaking of changes, the final touches of the new design are underway.

It's slower going now that the school year started up, but I'll have it

for you all soon. Sorry to keep you all waiting on it. Just a little

longer. Anyway, sleep time for me. G'night.



This is all I'm going to post:

So, It’s been a week since we last talked. I’ve sent you messages on RvB. I’ve sent you a couple e-mails that I put a lot of time and emotion into…music, pictures, poetry…I’ve heard nothing back. Not a thing. You seem to be willing to put time into writing journal entries and photoshopping images, but you wont take the time to even say hello to someone you supposedly love.

Sabrina, I’m sick of being the sole supporter of this relationship. I keep sending you hellos and e-mails and get nothing back. A relationship isn’t supposed to be one sided like this. If you are unwilling to give the time to communicate with me even in small amounts, then I can’t be in this relationship. In fact, if that’s the case…we have no relationship.

On top of that, I signed on the other day and saw that picture of you with “your girlfriend Maira” in your profile. I don’t know what the hell is going on…but needless to say I very much have every right to be pissed and hurt. Love isn’t just a word hun, it’s an oath. And it shouldn’t be taken as lightly as you seem to.

So what’s it going to be Sabrina?

I sent that about ten minutes ago. I was planning on waiting, but

several friends advised me to not wait. So I didn't. We'll see what




I have spent the last two weeks working my ass off. School is

starting for me in one week. Right now I'm just basically preparing for

next week at the TV station. Last week was RA training for housing. I

worked soooo much last week. It was 12 hours a day every day. Wednesday

through Friday was RA camp...which I had to go to. It was a two night

stay at a YMCA camp. They had group showers. So...most of us didn't


No, I'm not an RA. I was there as tech support. I took pictures and did

video taping. I also made sure the data projector and laptop were ready

when the presenters needed it. I'm fairly certain I worked harder than

anyone else there. I'm including the assistant and associate directors

of housing in that too. I worked so much I was worn out by the night

and slept early and long. What a week.

I spent the weekend recovering. Now I'm back at it, but at least it's

at my own pace now. I've been very productive while working. So, that's

good. I'm productive all around it seems. The site, though most of you

haven't seen it yet, has been slowly coming along. The new

Transcyclopedia is set up and I've been copying information over as

well as adding new information. I wish I had thought of doing this

earlier. It's going to make this site so much more dynamic and easier

to use. So yeah...a few more days of moving data, and I think it's

about time to switch over to the new look.

Sabrina and I are almost to the two month mark. So...I can easily say

we've surpassed the length of any relationship I've had within the past

five years. That's quite an accomplishment. The relationship has had

it's ups and downs. I've learned a lot about my own issues though. She

and I have had some important conversations recently about

communication and such. I think she understands how important it is for

me to hear certain things and keep in contact while we're both busy at

school. We aren't going to see each other online much now that school

is going. So, I had to make sure our relationship didn't die from

stagnation. She may have been a bit naive about that, but it's

understandable. So yeah...still going strong.

Amazed? I am too. Jess has something positive to say about her love

life. It is quite a rare time indeed. In fact, the whole concept of

Jess having a love life is odd. Hopefully that oddness will pass


Kevin left for good this Saturday. I knew the time was coming all

summer. It came so much faster than I expected. He graduated in May and

worked here while his sublease lasted. Now he's three hours away. I

hate seeing friends leave, especially friends as good and close to me

as Kevin. When he left, I was surprised at how well I took it. It was

probably due to it not really feeling like he was going to be gone. It

wasn't until Saturday night that it really hit that he left. I walked

to the park and passed his place. As I looked over I realized that he

wasn't living there anymore. I couldn't go to visit him just to say hi.

No more cookouts. No more sitting and talking at 1:00 am on the bench

that I also walked past. I thought about it on my walk there, and when

I hit that same place on the way home...I started crying really hard.

It's even hard thinking about it now.

Sunday he called me just to say hi. It felt like normal. I told him

that I cried about him being gone. I could tell he was touched by it.

This whole year Kevin and I really bonded through the miniseries at the

studio, and just from hanging out. He was one of the only people that I

felt so comfortable with just hanging. Sometimes our creativity

clashed...but not in a bad way. I already miss him. I hope our

friendship never ends though.

I started watching Joss Whedon's Firefly this week. I've had it sitting

in my apartment all summer but never started watching it. Watching 24

took too long to get through, and I hadn't wanted to start another

series while watching that one. I'm really glad I'm watching it though.

It's really f-ing cool. I want to find the guy at Fox or whatever

network it was on that decided to cancel the show and slap him. He's

definitely one of the biggest fools in the entertainment industry.

Needless to say I am enjoying it and am looking forward to the upcoming

film "Serenity". Check it out if you get the chance.

Well, I think it's bedtime for me. I'll talk at you all some more later. Keep an eye on the site for the big change soon. Bye!



Today I got notice that my high school band director died. He was

52. That man was one of strongest influences on my life. I actually

almost majored in music because of him. I have some pretty great

memories too. We had become friends by the time I left school.

Unfortunately we had lost touch since I went off to college.

After he retired from my high school, he got his doctorate and moved up

in the world. He was the head of the jazz music program at Marquette

University. He had been in that position for only a couple years. I

went to high school with both of his children. His daughter was in my

class and I played 1st chair trombone with his son. We sat next to each

other every day.

He taught me what music really is. He taught me how to really play, how

to lead, and how to love music. He even sold me my trombone, a rare

1950's Martin Committee lead trombone. I had intended on selling it

back to him, since it's not getting the use it should be. He had told

me that he wanted it back if I ever thought about selling it.

I had dreams that I would run into him. Every time I went home I would

worry about it. A lot of things have drastically changed about me that

many people in high school don't know about. Some of them probably wont

approve at all...but all the same, I still wanted to meet him again.

Now I wont get that opportunity. His memorial service is this weekend.

I'll be there. I never thought I'd cry, but I am.