Posted on May 16th 2004, 12:33 am
Chris invited me over to watch the recent Universal Studios version of Peter Pan. It was wonderfully done. It's a very beautiful film and a lot of fun to watch. Afterwards, he got ready for a psuedo date while I rid his computer of adware. His pseudo date arrived, and I left.
As I walked home through the park across the street, my mood turned somber. I've been waiting for a phone call, or an e-mail, or an IM from her for a while now. With each passing day I lose more hope that it'll happen. Chris had been aware of my frustration and disappointment while I was at his house. While I was walking, these thoughts were passing through my head.
It's Saturday....yet another night spend alone. I have had countless fridays and saturdays spent simply by myself in my apartment. Most of my friends are caught up in relationships or with their closer friends. I can't go to bars really since I don't drink and can't be around smoke. I don't have any money to rent a movie either. So I sit, dreaming of the love I will never have.
While I walked, I imagined there was someone walking beside me....with me. I imagined looking up at her and meeting her eyes where we would share a quiet moment together. When that image faded...I walked passed a bench which faced the river. I saw the two of us sitting together, my head on her shoulder. These thoughts continued to purvade my mind even as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. As I opened the door, it was empty as usual. I am beginning to lose hope that I will ever meet someone I can share moments like that with.
Perhaps it is not meant to be. As I said earlier today, I believe things happen for a reason. I also believe each of us has a purpose. Maybe my purpose suggestes I should be alone...or have to be alone. Who knows? I just want love. I wish it didn't have to be just a dream.
Posted on May 15th 2004, 7:00 pm
I feel so much better. In fact, the moment yesterday morning in which I submitted that long post, I felt better. I had so much bouncing around in my head that just needed to get out, and not just out...clearly understood. So, it felt good to write all that. I can't say that I'm completely recovered from that, but I'll be ok now.
People I guess just don't understand how much that group means to me. I'm a very emotional person, if you haven't noticed yet, and I took a lot of pride in the way things were going considering the status of the executive staff. It felt kind of like when my mother told me I'm a money hole. She's family, and she was telling me I was a burden to the rest of them. She also said I had no intention of paying the money back. I just took the money and ran. She was so off on that assumption, and at least the next day I knew she didn't mean it.
Having the organization reject me in that way (and people, don't go off commenting saying that I wasn't rejected, because that's how I felt) felt the same as when my mother said that. Only, this was coming from more people than just one, and we're all so close in the group, I consider us a family of sorts. It felt to me like no one saw how much effort and time I put into it. No one cared that I did anything over the course of the semester. I now know somewhat how parents feel when their kids reject all the gifts and love they've given.
Anyway, I'm healing and I'm sure it's for the best at this point. My friends are right, I do push myself too hard. I'll use the time next semester to de-stress and recover from SRS. We'll see how things go in the next elections. Who knows...maybe I wont even want to be exec staff then. And besides, I still have the student senate LGBT-chair position. So it's not like I wont be doing anything.
Another friend of mine suggested that this group isn't really a step forward for me all that much. It's a great support group and all, but it's really more of a step sideways than forward. He suggests that I was meant to learn something from the experiences, but ultimately my purpose is for greater things than a college organization. Who knows...maybe he's right. I believe things happen for a reason. So maybe I'll just have to wait and see what that reason is. With that slightly profound statement, I will leave to do a very mundane task...the dishes. Bye everyone and have a great day.
Posted on May 14th 2004, 2:46 pm
I've said before about my diary, but I'll say it once more and be clear about it this time so people understand. This diary is for me to vent my emotions. I don't always put the full reasons why I feel a certain way into a post. Sometimes I write when I'm really emotional, and those emotions settle down after a time. So that means a little while later I'll write another post that actually shows my true feelings and reflections. This diary is for me to express myself and get things out. Writing is good for that sort of thing. If you want to comment, that's fine, but keep that in mind. If you have an issue with something I say, e-mail me or talk to me about it. I'd be happy to explain it. I'm not going to always do this on my site here, and would rather not. This time, however, I will.
Understand that my reasons for being upset are not just because I was beat in the elections. It's not because I want power in the organization. I don't care about being a figurehead. It's not because Dale has higeine issues either, though that does have a part in it however small. Let me explain the full reason why I was hurt by the results. My warning is that this will be a little harsh. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to really get my point out.
First off, Dale is a nice guy. I would completely agree with that. He's very nice. I do like Dale. So Gary, I hope that helps you feel better about it. BUT, nice doesn't mean he's a good leader. Dale is very disorganized. If anyone has seen his car or apartment, they know what I mean. He is also immature. He has even admitted this to me directly, and we have also all observed that behavior. He likes to act like a 5 year old a lot of the time. I would hope though, that he'd attempt to be more mature as president. I know the potential is there. Dale does not handle stress well. In pressure situations, Dale panics. He panics so much that many people have worried about him having a heart attack by the time he's 40. This was the first year he was a full time student as well. Years ago he wasn't full time when he had the position of co-chair. I'm not sure he can handle all the work involved. Dale is extremely stubborn. If anyone saw his reaction to any kind of change I tried to make this past semester, it wasn't good. For example, the stuffed Lobster we have. He literally tossed it on the floor because he didn't like the rule. The rule itself I will talk about later. But with his stubborness in mind, if he doesn't like something, it's not going to happen. In a leadership role, you have to be open to different things. As far as the figurehead and representation issue, yes, he does smell. He has very poor higiene and this is a problem. If people are getting up and moving, like they have in the past, because the president smells that bad, I think that's a problem. That's the most minor of all the issues I have though. He is also a gossip, which can be a problem in a leadership position. As a leader, you are supposed to be a person someone can approach with a problem and be trusted to keep it confidential. I worry that Dale may not be able to do that either.
It hurt because I know I am more competent than that. I also know people are aware that I am. It's not an ego issue. I just don't think people were considering all of this when they voted. One of the concerns about me was that people were worried I would be too strict and lose out of the social aspect of the group. I think that's funny since Dale likes the more formal type meetings (motion to move on...etc). That's how meetings were run when he was co-chair a few years ago. Also, when elections for Spring semester came around, that was one of the major worries I had about Dale running then. He wanted a more formal setting and I didn't want to lose the social aspect of things. I still feel that way.
As far as how this last semester went, yes was a rule that wasn't there before. There was also the suggestion of, not a rule, but a policy for next year. Understand that when the president isn't fulfilling his duties (I love you Chris, I really do), and isn't showing up to meetings or contributing, and then take away the secretary/treasurer, even just running meetings was hard. It was Dale and me. We were there the whole semester. Dale was right in saying he is dependable. He is. However, Dale was one of the problems as far as interruptions and talking during meetings goes. I came up with that rule so that the meetings could even happen. It was hard being the one in charge with very little backup and then trying to get everyone to listen and keep the meeting going. If anyone noticed, I only used the lobster for about three meetings. After that, I felt everyone understood and we could continue just fine. Last night's meeting however proved that wrong. We had a very difficult time just getting the meetings started because people wouldn't shut up. That's why I had the rule in the first place. It was merely a means to get some progress.
Now, with that stress in mind, there was some social aspect left behind. I apologize for that, however it was hard for me to do everything. A lot of members in the group were there socially, and didn't want to participate actively. So I didn't have a lot of people to lean on for support. Had we had a full exec staff, it wouldn't have been that way. That's why this next semester will likely have more social activities. Also understand that this was my first semester ever running an organization. I was bound to make mistakes. I think I did a decent job though overall.
The policy I suggested for next year, the "leave your drama at the door" policy was taken very much the wrong way. It wasn't intended to curb or control dating within the organization. I will admit that that dating can be a problem. However, it would be impossible to control or even stop. And I don't want to do that anyway. The whole idea was simply that, if you have drama going on with another member of the group, set it aside for the group. Don't make the group suffer because of what's going on in your love life. Be able to work with the people you're having issues with. That's why I got up and just left after elections last night. I didn't want to cause problems then. I went home and was emotional privately. I will admit that some of my issues with people have not always been quiet though.
On the subject of wanting the presidency out of a power trip type of thing, that's way wrong. My reasons were all because I wanted to make the group prosper. I had ideas for new things we could do next year that haven't been done in the past. I wanted to start working more with local high schools and establish a local area glbt network so we can all work together. I wanted to have more social events, like a Halloween dance. I think that would be wonderful. I wanted to turn the Alternative prom into the biggest event of the year for our organization. I wanted to make it grand and invite the entire state college system. It would be amazing. I wanted to make the group more politically active. With the events currently going on in national politics today with gay marriage, our voice needs to be heard. I basically wanted our group to move from being a simple, relatively quiet, and unknown organization to being an active, vocal, and respected organization. Now, I can still work towards this goal on the sidelines, but being president or even on exec board and working toward these goals head on would accomplish them faster and better. That was my desire, not to be in control. Now, with that, I am still staying in the organization. Like I said, I use this diary to vent and that was what I was feeling at the time. There needs to be someone in the organization who can keep the website updated and such.
So yes, with all that in mind, I think people totally misunderstood a lot of what happened this past semester. People were seeing things that weren't exactly true. I cared, and still do, so much for the wellbeing of the organization. It really hurt that people would think it was about me or that I was on a power trip. It hurt that people felt Dale was more capable. He'll do ok because he has such a large exec staff. I was so hurt that last night I actually lost sleep. I woke up early and was still hurt. Usually I'm ok by the morning. This is the first time that ever happened. But I will still go to the group. There's always the following semester. Perhaps this fall will be a good time for me to get a break from the organization. With surgery and such, I may not want the stress. I want to say again though, that I do like Dale. I just don't think he's a very good leader.
So, that's my explanation. If anyone has anymore questions or comments. Feel free to either comment on this or e-mail me. See ya around.
Posted on May 14th 2004, 2:54 am
Well, I guess there's no more stress for me from the LGBT anymore. I am no longer on the exec board. I lost the presidency by one vote. It was a huge shock. I still can't believe there was a majority that picked the other person. I feel hurt, insulted, and angry right now. I put so much effort into keeping the group together this semester. When the president faultered, I picked up all the slack. I took care of meeting agendas, mass e-mails, the website, getting an organizational e-mail address, working with committees, and even coordinating some events. I worked my butt off. That group was so important to me. Now I know my efforts weren't appreciated. I feel as if it's all been thrown in my face. It hurts.
The person who won has major higiene problems. People literally get up and move during meetings if they are too close. He frequently acts like a five year old to the point that people are annoyed. He's disorganized. He didn't even answer the questions he was given prior to voting. He didn't make a speech either. And this guy is apparently who most people want running the organization. I'm now questioning whether I even want to get involved at all next year. Maybe I'll just stick to some other campus organization. I might be more appreciated there. I'm going to go cry for a while. See ya.
Posted on May 13th 2004, 9:44 pm
Today an article was published in the school paper. It was the article I was interviewed for several weeks ago. The article is huge. It takes up the whole entire back page. It turned out wonderful. I have gotten several e-mails of congratulations and thank yous. It just makes me feel great to know I'm touching more and more people.
Here's the cool news that goes along with it. This morning I got an e-mail from the advisor to the school paper who also is a professor in print journalism. He said the article was one of the best he's ever read in college journalism. He asked for my permission to enter the article into the National Hearst competition as well as several more local ones. I of course said yes. Alison, the girl who wrote the article, deserves the recognition for what she wrote. It's impressive to say the least. I hope she wins.
Tonight is also the LGBT elections. I'll find out tonight if I'm the new president of the organization. I think it'll go well. I'm really more excited for the phone call from Steph though. I have been looking forward to talking to her again for a while....very impatiently. I'm terrible with that. I'll write about how that goes tomorrow. Anyway, I have fifteen more minutes of work, then it's off to do my laundry. See ya.