Posted on May 8th 2004, 1:13 am
Tonight was the second Friday in a row I've gotten into a fight with Leslie. Last week was completely my fault, and I felt really horrible. This week...was directly because of something I said last night at the meeting. It wasn't meant as it was taken by whomever heard me say it. That's who she heard it from. She has every right to be mad at me. It was in regards to my reaction to her last night. When the meeting was done, she stormed out of the room muttering something like "Fine...don't listen to me...I'm not on the prom committee". I don't remember exactly what it was...but that was close. I was simply confused by it and said I didn't know where that came from and that I'll have to talk to her about it later. I said something about having asked for volunteers for committees earlier in the semester and her not volunteering. I didn't think people would blab it everywhere. I figured they'd let it be between me and her and I could approach her on my own with it.
Apparently though, everyone felt the need to tell her. So today I get a message that we need to talk. And it turned into a fight. Both of us not listening to the other. Both of us just making excuses and such. Eventually I start crying and feeling bad for myself. I hate when I make a friend feel like Leslie felt. These two fights just make me feel like a complete asshole. I feel like I completely let her down as a friend. Last week was me not wanting to meet her girlfriend because I was jealous. So she's right. I am an asshole.
All this just makes me think I'm in over my head. I do too much, and I try too hard. I'm involved so much that everything I do is just half assed. At least, that's how I feel about it...I'm not sure how others feel. I'm so new to everything I'm involved in. Being in the leadership position is one, being a role model, and even just being a female. Is this all just too much for me to handle? Should I back off? Am I going to lose friends because of all this? Maybe I should withdraw from the running for executive staff in the LGBT.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Posted on May 7th 2004, 3:02 pm
Yesterday I was talking about transgender all day long. It began at 11:00 am in a women's studies class I was asked to visit. I spent an hour or so talking to the students in the class about being trans. It went well. I was happy with the reactions and the questions. I skipped my next class just so I could have a moment to eat something throughout the day. I wouldn't have otherwise.
During that hour off, I gave my therapist a call. Yesterday was the day my case got presented to the committee. I got approved for SRS. All I need to do is go in and sign a consent form as well as finish a bit of documentation. After that, I get my letters. I'm really excited. That's one of the last big hurdles to jump. Now I'm on the last leg of the journey.
After learning that, I went to my class, and then to work. Beyond that was the last meeting of the commission of student senate that I'm in. It was a good time. We had snacks and stuff. Then, it was time for an panel in a psychology class. So...more talking about being trans. I got some great questions too. It was very productive.
Then it was time for the LGBT meeting. As you can see, the day was indeed full. We had to run through everything really quick though. I had to be at a forum afterwards. We decided to postpone elections until next week. That helps with the stress of the day. One less thing to worry about. Other than that, we're all ready for the alternative prom tomorrow. That should be fun. Since Steph couldn't go as my date, and the President's date couldn't come either, Chris and I will be going as a "heterosexual" couple. The theme is fairy tales, so I guess it's possible something like that would happen.
Finally, after the meeting was the all residence hall forum on transgender. Of course, with the finale of Friends going on last night, there wasn't that huge of a turnout, but there were still more than we expected. It was a very personal, intimate forum. We all sat in couches and just discussed the issues. Rachael and I got a lot of great questions. I think it went very well. I also talked with a friend from my Japanese class afterwards. Her name is Marin, and she's cool. I think we're becoming closer friends. Around 11:00 pm I decided I was exhausted from the day and went home. I passed out fairly quickly. It was a good sleep.
Today has nothing too stressful. I have one class, some work for the TV station, and then a party for the helpdesk staff. It should be a fairly relaxing and enjoyable day. Then there's the prom tomorrow. I think that'll be pretty stressful. I'm going to take pictures. So watch for those in the next week. That's all for now. Bye.
Posted on May 5th 2004, 4:50 pm
In a complete switch from last week, I am just off in the clouds this week. It's all due to meeting a girl this weekend. Her name is Steph. I spent five hours talking to her on Saturday night into Sunday morning. Then we talked for another three hours monday night. We're just really clicking in. It's great. After I finished talking to her I was so giddy I couldn't get to sleep.
I figured this week would have been another stressful week, but since all the cool stuff happened with Steph, I'm not feeling the stress at all. I'm just going with the flow. Monday I spoke at a local high school to the GSA there. It was really great. They ate up everything I had to say. They're really cool kids too. I hope they come to the alternative prom this weekend.
Tomorrow is the biggest day out of this whole week. Tomorrow I get surgical approval. Not only that, I'm speaking in a women's studies class in the morning. Then, I have an SLD meeting at 5:00 pm after classes and work. After that is a panel for the LGBT. After that is the LGBT meeting including officer elections. And yet again after that is another speaking engagement. I have an all residence hall program then. It should be exciting, but a long long day.
I am really looking forward to friday. The next stressful thing after that is the upcoming slew of final exams. I'm not too worried about them though. My classes this semester aren't that difficult. The worst thing is, since they've been so easy, I haven't put much effort into them. So my grades should be higher than they are. I have a lot going on though, so I guess I have an excuse.
All the effort I've put into the LGBT, into this website, and into all the speaking gigs is a challenge sometimes. Today though, I looked at the guestbook. It has doubled in size since last week....not that it was big before. Anyway, all the messages left there were so great. It makes the effort worth it. I feel so proud to have such a good effect on people.
So with that, I better get back to my job. I always write these entries when I'm at work and I probably shouldn't. I'll write more about my giddiness soon.
Posted on April 30th 2004, 3:57 pm
I learned something new about myself this week. When my stress level gets really high, I get emotional and irrational. That would explain the comments I was making about my friend Emily. I normally don't say stuff like that. Not only did I get irrational and emotional, it lasted for about half of a week. I finally kicked that mood last night. Emily and I talked and I apologized. We're all good now.
As a friend, I get concerned when a friend gets depressed for any length of time. If they don't seek out some way of helping themself, I try to help. Emily has been depressed as of recently and hasn't been really looking for help at all. At least, that's what I saw. I wanted to help her, but I was too emotional to. I just went off on a rant that was, honestly, something I've suspected, but I have no right to judge. It's interesting since I read in a recent Scientific American that anger promotes prejudice. I guess that applies to all of us.
So yeah, if anyone read that big long rant and thought "What's wrong with Jessica?", that's what was wrong. I had so much stress, I could physically feel it. There was a pulsing heat/pain in my left shoulder that lasted for 3 days. It was making me start to worry that something was wrong. This morning however, it was gone. My stress for the week is gone. So, that's a good sign. I'm back to my normal self now.
I got my butt lasered yesterday. It wasn't too bad. I didn't take any pain meds and it was very comfortable. Apparently the rear end doesn't have a whole lot of nerve endings for pain. Or maybe the hair wasn't all that thick. It feels rather strange now, not that most of you want to know that. But it's a good strange. Now, there's only my stomach left that isn't taken care of, and it's not so bad. I can wait on that.
I made my surgical consultation appointment for SRS. I'm excited. I get to go see Dr. Schrang in about two weeks. I think I'll bring a video camera. I hope he's ok with that. I'll have to call about it to see. What a great opportunity to get going on my documentary I've wanted to do. Actually, tonight I'm bringing a camera to my electrolysis appointment. So I'll be underway on it soon.
Well, it's time for me to get off the laptop checkout station and on to the phones. So I will write again later. Bye.
Posted on April 28th 2004, 5:12 pm
Last night was another speaking engagement. I'd have to say it wasn't my best. I've been really out of it lately. I'm just not getting enough sleep and I've got too much on my mind. I can't wait for school to be over. Just two more full weeks of classes, then finals. I'm having trouble just balancing my schedule for these last two weeks though. It's going to be rough.
I did make more new friends at this event. I seem to do that everywhere I go. This time I met Cole, a FTM from my high school of all places. Turns out there are three trans people from my high school all within 4 years of each other. None of us were friends, but we did recognize each other from old pictures. It's just odd to me, yet very cool.
This past Sunday evening, Emily talked to me. I ended up bitching her out for what happened last Thursday. In a way I feel bad about it. She isn't in a happy place emotionally. But also, she needs to grow up a little bit. Thursday was a bit serious for me personally, but the fact that she just disappeared. Everyone was worried and thought something had happened to her, but she was really just sitting in her room ignoring the world. I don't know, I had to say something about it.
I doubt I'll be posting a whole lot in the next two weeks though. With all the crap coming up and then finals, I'll be rather busy. We'll see though. It might be a good study break. Anyway, I'm starving and it's time for my break. I'll write more later.