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Today sucked....all around. It started with me waking up late and literally having to run to work to get there on time. I hate that feeling. The whole day started on the wrong foot. Had to miss breakfast entirely. I like food, so that's not a good thing. After that, things just kept going downhill.

I got to work just slightly late...which surprisingly was ok. My boss didn't yell at me. That's rare, so I just went with it. I was sweating and breathing rather heavily, so maybe he understood. After that it was right to the phones. In between calls, I came here and checked the comments on my entry. The first was rather accusatory. I immediately went on the defensive obviously and commented back. Then I got another comment....which sprouted off into a huge offline debate. It was really frustrating and emotionally stressful.

I guess I'm just sick of having to defend my emotions or what I wrote. This diary is for me to vent and express how I feel about things. I didn't judge anyone, I just merely expressed my displeasure with an attitude/behavior issue. I totally felt attacked. In a way, I felt like I was being accused of being a hipocrite. After the multiple e-mails between my friend and I, I learned that in much of what I said, they agreed with me. So, I felt a lot better, but still, I should have to. This is not what I needed right now by any means. Her and I will discuss those issues tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

After all that, I just tried to keep my mind off things and watch some TV. I don't do that all that often, and it helped for that short time. Afterwards though, I kept thinking that I haven't heard from Steph since last Monday night and still haven't heard from her. I keep trying to tell myself that she's busy with moving and stuff, but there's this part of me that just says nothing is going to happen. That's what usually happens to me. I'm going to call tomorrow, but after that I'm not sure.

So with all that crap, I was just in a terrible mood tonight. Eventually I cried. I needed it. I couldn't keep all that frustration pent up anymore. Leslie and I hung out just to talk and keep both of our minds off of our emotions. It helped. We were both in a philisophical mood. It was a great time. I love having friends to lean on.

I should probably get some sleep since I don't want to wake up late again tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a lot better than today. Wish me luck. G'night.

Luv,

Jess

For once I don't feel like a failure as a leader. Last night's dance went very well. People in the organization were saying it was the best Alternative Prom we've ever had. I feel so proud. There were a lot of kids there from the local high schools. Everyone stayed until 11:00 even. What really impressed me is the amount of people from the organization that came to help. Everyone came to help. It never would have happened like it did without them.

There was only one person I wasn't happy with....Paula. She is a trans person that hasn't decided whether she wants to transition...or something. We're all not really sure what her plans are. Most of us don't think of her as male or female, just as Paula. I'm not even sure if female pronouns should be used or not. She's not the type of person to really ask either. She is just a bitch...overall. She was drunk, for one...which really didn't go over well with me. We're around kids. She was being rude, insensitive, and downright innappropriate. She literally grabbed Leslie's chest. She told Leslie's girl that Les has slept with everyone in the organization. Leslie was hurt. Then later she claimed she didn't.She told me that the one thing I don't get about being a woman is that women smile. She doesn't realize that when she's around I don't smile. If she could see me any other time, I smile a lot. When she said that, I went off on her and yelled at her for her behavior. She blew me off.

We almost kicked her out for her antics. She's running for a position in the LGBT and I'm strongly considering rescinding that nomination. We can't have someone who's going to be rude and such, which she very much so is even when she's not drunk, representing our organization. I'm going to discuss it with the other exec staff members first. We'll see how this unfolds. Aside from that, the dance went perfect. I even got hit on by a 16 year old. She went as far as kissing my hand. It was so cute. She probably had no clue I'm 7 years older than her.

Leslie and I are probably on better terms than we ever have been. When I yelled at Paula, I specifically stood up for Leslie. She really appreciated that. Paula went looking for Les, and I sent her off in the wrong direction at one point. Also, I made sure Leslie introduced me to her girlfriend. I think that was the most important part of it. She thanked me repeatedly. I was just happy that I could make her feel better and that the fighting stopped. I think our friendship is fully healed now. That makes me very happy.

I took a lot of pictures and sometime soon I will post them. I have a lot of work to do yet in the coming two weeks. Once finals are over with, I'm going to do an overhaul on the site. Wait and see what's in store for it. Alright, I am off. Have a great Mother's day.

Luv,

Jess

Tonight was the second Friday in a row I've gotten into a fight with Leslie. Last week was completely my fault, and I felt really horrible. This week...was directly because of something I said last night at the meeting. It wasn't meant as it was taken by whomever heard me say it. That's who she heard it from. She has every right to be mad at me. It was in regards to my reaction to her last night. When the meeting was done, she stormed out of the room muttering something like "Fine...don't listen to me...I'm not on the prom committee". I don't remember exactly what it was...but that was close. I was simply confused by it and said I didn't know where that came from and that I'll have to talk to her about it later. I said something about having asked for volunteers for committees earlier in the semester and her not volunteering. I didn't think people would blab it everywhere. I figured they'd let it be between me and her and I could approach her on my own with it.

Apparently though, everyone felt the need to tell her. So today I get a message that we need to talk. And it turned into a fight. Both of us not listening to the other. Both of us just making excuses and such. Eventually I start crying and feeling bad for myself. I hate when I make a friend feel like Leslie felt. These two fights just make me feel like a complete asshole. I feel like I completely let her down as a friend. Last week was me not wanting to meet her girlfriend because I was jealous. So she's right. I am an asshole.

All this just makes me think I'm in over my head. I do too much, and I try too hard. I'm involved so much that everything I do is just half assed. At least, that's how I feel about it...I'm not sure how others feel. I'm so new to everything I'm involved in. Being in the leadership position is one, being a role model, and even just being a female. Is this all just too much for me to handle? Should I back off? Am I going to lose friends because of all this? Maybe I should withdraw from the running for executive staff in the LGBT.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Luv,

Jess

Yesterday I was talking about transgender all day long. It began at 11:00 am in a women's studies class I was asked to visit. I spent an hour or so talking to the students in the class about being trans. It went well. I was happy with the reactions and the questions. I skipped my next class just so I could have a moment to eat something throughout the day. I wouldn't have otherwise.

During that hour off, I gave my therapist a call. Yesterday was the day my case got presented to the committee. I got approved for SRS. All I need to do is go in and sign a consent form as well as finish a bit of documentation. After that, I get my letters. I'm really excited. That's one of the last big hurdles to jump. Now I'm on the last leg of the journey.

After learning that, I went to my class, and then to work. Beyond that was the last meeting of the commission of student senate that I'm in. It was a good time. We had snacks and stuff. Then, it was time for an panel in a psychology class. So...more talking about being trans. I got some great questions too. It was very productive.

Then it was time for the LGBT meeting. As you can see, the day was indeed full. We had to run through everything really quick though. I had to be at a forum afterwards. We decided to postpone elections until next week. That helps with the stress of the day. One less thing to worry about. Other than that, we're all ready for the alternative prom tomorrow. That should be fun. Since Steph couldn't go as my date, and the President's date couldn't come either, Chris and I will be going as a "heterosexual" couple. The theme is fairy tales, so I guess it's possible something like that would happen.

Finally, after the meeting was the all residence hall forum on transgender. Of course, with the finale of Friends going on last night, there wasn't that huge of a turnout, but there were still more than we expected. It was a very personal, intimate forum. We all sat in couches and just discussed the issues. Rachael and I got a lot of great questions. I think it went very well. I also talked with a friend from my Japanese class afterwards. Her name is Marin, and she's cool. I think we're becoming closer friends. Around 11:00 pm I decided I was exhausted from the day and went home. I passed out fairly quickly. It was a good sleep.

Today has nothing too stressful. I have one class, some work for the TV station, and then a party for the helpdesk staff. It should be a fairly relaxing and enjoyable day. Then there's the prom tomorrow. I think that'll be pretty stressful. I'm going to take pictures. So watch for those in the next week. That's all for now. Bye.

Luv,

Jess

In a complete switch from last week, I am just off in the clouds this week. It's all due to meeting a girl this weekend. Her name is Steph. I spent five hours talking to her on Saturday night into Sunday morning. Then we talked for another three hours monday night. We're just really clicking in. It's great. After I finished talking to her I was so giddy I couldn't get to sleep.

I figured this week would have been another stressful week, but since all the cool stuff happened with Steph, I'm not feeling the stress at all. I'm just going with the flow. Monday I spoke at a local high school to the GSA there. It was really great. They ate up everything I had to say. They're really cool kids too. I hope they come to the alternative prom this weekend.

Tomorrow is the biggest day out of this whole week. Tomorrow I get surgical approval. Not only that, I'm speaking in a women's studies class in the morning. Then, I have an SLD meeting at 5:00 pm after classes and work. After that is a panel for the LGBT. After that is the LGBT meeting including officer elections. And yet again after that is another speaking engagement. I have an all residence hall program then. It should be exciting, but a long long day.

I am really looking forward to friday. The next stressful thing after that is the upcoming slew of final exams. I'm not too worried about them though. My classes this semester aren't that difficult. The worst thing is, since they've been so easy, I haven't put much effort into them. So my grades should be higher than they are. I have a lot going on though, so I guess I have an excuse.

All the effort I've put into the LGBT, into this website, and into all the speaking gigs is a challenge sometimes. Today though, I looked at the guestbook. It has doubled in size since last week....not that it was big before. Anyway, all the messages left there were so great. It makes the effort worth it. I feel so proud to have such a good effect on people.

So with that, I better get back to my job. I always write these entries when I'm at work and I probably shouldn't. I'll write more about my giddiness soon.

Luv,

Jess