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That's pretty much it for Jill as far as I can tell. I haven't heard from her since last Thursday. She never called or came online. That's the second time this year an internet girl I had a major crush on totally hurt me. I was probably too clingy or pushy or something. Or maybe she just realized she didn't need to deal with her issues with me being transgender. She's gorgeous. She can be with whichever girl she wants to be with. When I first met her, I just knew that this girl was too perfect for me. Something would happen to mess it up, and it would be something I did. I usually make an ass of myself.

Anyway, I realized it Saturday, but I didn't want to believe it. I was crying a lot on Saturday too. I kept myself as distracted as possible. Sunday I had to work, so that distracted me pretty well. Monday was the day in which I would be sure she was ditching me or not. When I never heard from her...I knew for sure. I feel so unwanted...unattractive...last choice. My friends have been trying to cheer me up. Greg and his girlfriend stopped in last night. My friend Kevin bought me dinner today. It all helps, but after three times this year getting shoved aside...it gets to be a bit depressing. Negative reinforcement you might say. I guess it's no different from the norm though. I've felt pretty low about myself since I was very little. Now I'm happier with who I am, but my self image will probably always be pretty low. I feel so pathetic.

Tonight I get to at least distract myself with the thought that the new site design is finally live after probably a month and a half of work. Also, I'm going to see Mean Girls tonight with a friend. Lindsey Lohan is pretty cute...though a bit young. So at least it won't be all bad. Anyway, I should probably go. The movie starts shortly and I don't know if I have enough money. See ya.

Luv,

Jess

It was a rough Saturday for me. A week ago Thursday I gave Jill my number. She didn't call me all weekend, and because of it, I was depressed the whole time. We talked Tuesday and all seemed well. Wednesday she disappeared. We talked a little on Thursday and I found out she never solidified her plans for coming out in this direction this weekend. I figured that would happen. I don't know why, I just had a feeling. I did ask her for her number though. Instead of giving it to me, she said she'd call me sometime in the next day or so. So I was patient and looked forward to her call.

I hung out with my friend Kevin on Friday. It was a good time. We played Worms Armageddon and went to a cafe for ice cream. He's a nice guy. I'm surprised he's single. He always tries to lift my spirits too. So, we had a good time. I didn't talk to Jill the whole day. I thought nothing of it, but a friend of mine online felt otherwise. She's a very pessimistic person, much like my mother in a way. Anyway, my friend is concerned that Jill is just stringing me along and has no real intentions towards me. I don't want to feel that way about her, but I started to doubt. The fact that she didn't call me Saturday either didn't help, nor did I see her online. Her excuse for not calling me last week I believed. She was camping and claimed her entire purse got run over by the truck her friend's boyfriend was backing up. Her phone was crushed as well as other expensive things. Now, I'm not so sure I believe that at all.

Of course recently I've been ditched and shoved aside a lot by the females I've had feelings for. Part of me wants to believe she's just busy. And the other part of me is looking at what happened a few months ago. Steph wasn't busy. she just didn't want anything to do with me. Everytime in the past week that Jill has not been where she's said she'll be, my thoughts immediately turn to that experience. Like, this past Tuesday night, she said she'd be online all of Wednesday night. After I came home from the leadership forum, I checked and she wasn't there. She didn't appear until late Thursday night. I should be saying "big deal". I'm just so damned insecure.

So I tried to just pre-occupy myself with things today. I fixed a professor's computer this morning. I made cookies this afternoon. I watched "The Princess Bride" tonight. And then, I felt myself returning to those thoughts again. This time, I decided to meditate. It's helped me in the past, and I've wanted to do more of it. So I figured, why not. I asked myself several of those questions during my meditation and tried to just listen to what my instincts were telling me. What I heard was that I need to be patient. I need to relax and let things be. What I felt was that she's not stringing me along. So I'm going to listen to that. I'm just going to relax for the rest of tonight and forget about my worries. I shouldn't even be worried anyway. Maybe she'll call tomorrow. Maybe I wont hear from her again. But, whatever happens, I'll get through it. I always do.

Luv,

Jess

I'll be mean and save the title for the end. The museum was really cool. I got to see some very old and rare artifacts from Egypt. It was fascinating. As soon as we walked into the exhibit, there was a real mummy sitting there. The amount of color in the exhibit was astounding. The Egyptians definitely liked gold. We weren't allowed to touch anything of course, but I don't know if I'd want to. It just amazes me the kind of culture they had and how they lived. I am such a dork.

After the museum, my family went out for Chinese food at this authentic place. It was excellent and I was stuffed. At one point the waitress was bringing out more food or something and was talking to us. She looked at us kids in the family and asked "Are all of these your daughters?" My mother replied "Yup, these are all my daughters." The waitress said "Even the one in the middle?" referring to me. I'm sitting there wondering why she's singling me out and suddenly getting very uncomfortable. My mom said "yup, her too". Then the waitress said "Why is she so much taller than everyone else?" My fears were mostly quelled at that. My mom just said I got my father's height. The woman told me I should have played basketball. I just agreed and moved on. The rest of the family seemed to think nothing of it, but I had my nerves significantly rattled for the day. Still, it's cool that she didn't question anything else. I'm just a tall girl. And my mother referred to me as her daughter and used female pronous. She's learning. Way to go Mom.

So here's the big surprise. So, I had been kinda down that Jill didn't call me this weekend after giving her my number last week Thursday. I was all paranoid that she wasn't going to talk to me when I got back too. (I'm insecure, can you tell?) Well, of course she did talk to me because she's a sweetheart. Here's the big surprise, she's possibly taking a trip this weekend to go shopping at one of the bigger malls near where I live. She was suggesting we get lunch when she goes. I am still a bit surprised by it. I figured she was still way uncomfortable with that idea. I guess she's gotten over the trans issues enough. That's so awesome. So yeah...now I'm nervous. Funny, I'm not nervous at all about SRS in four weeks, but I am nervous about meeting Jill. Weird how that works. Anyway, that's the big surprise. I think it's a good one.

Luv,

Jess

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Today I saw two movies, both of which were sequels. The first was Shrek 2. This was a fun movie, aside from the projectionist not framing it right. I'd have to say I enjoyed the last section of the movie the best. I won't spoil the film though. It was really good and everyone should see it. It's a lot of fun to watch.

The second movie I've been looking forward to for a year or so. I finally got to see Spiderman 2. I had lots of expectations and all of them were set very high. Normally, I find myself disappointed when I set my expectations high, but this time I wasn't. The movie was great. I will be watching it a few more times I'm sure. I am one of those people who was into Spiderman before these movies came out. In fact, I was watching the animated series religiously about 6 or 7 years ago. I would have gotten the comics if I knew where to find them too. I love that hero. I even considered getting a personalized license plate that said "Thwip". So yeah, I had my ideas for what they would do with the story, but I was so wrong. It totally rocked though. I want more.

So yeah, that's what I did for my fourth of July. I thought it was pretty festive, in my own sort of way. I'm a geek though. I don't deny that. Speaking of geek, tomorrow I get to visit the museum. All I need now is tape on my glasses and a pocket protector. Great. With that, I'm off to bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jess

8:00 pm

I'm sitting in my parents van right now. We're downtown waiting to see if the rain will let up for the fireworks tonight. I honestly don't want to be here right now. It's not for any lack of patriotism or fear of getting wet. It's simply because every time I'm home, I'm constantly reminded of two things. One is my family's view of me. I'm still correcting them on pronouns They get my name right now. I should be happy about that, but what's a name when I know they still consider me male in their minds.

They've said themselves that they will probably never get over that. I know they are still the best parents in the world and that they've given me so much. I wouldn't take any other parents. It's just extremely depressing. I am a woman. I look female. I act female. I sound female. But to my family, I'll never be.

The second thing I'm reminded of is my lack of a relationship. I'm the only one without a significant other. Sure, Jill is kind of a part of my life, but she's far from my girlfriend. I gave her my number on Thursday and told her to call me. However, I haven't gotten a call yet and there's definitely no guarantee I will. So as usual, all I have is just the thought of being with her and the reminder that I have no one here now. The rain matches my melancholy mood.

Well, I should get back to my boredom in the car. Write more later...

11:30 pm

I just got home from the fireworks. At about 9:00 we finally decided to head down. They were scheduled to go off at 9:25...so we had to hurry. I know my family, and we tend to not move as fast as we should. So, I took the lead. I'm used to having to get to places on campus pretty quickly. So I pushed on through.We got to where we needed to be and were able to set up the chairs and stuff just in time...like literally. We sat down and the first one went up. I felt pretty good about that.

During the fireworks and the rain, my thoughts drifted. My mom and my dad were on my left, and my sister and her boyfriend were on my right. And as usual, the fifth wheel is in the middle. I just thought...dammit...this better be the last holiday I spend alone. I of course thought of Jill...who else would I think of? And I remembered all of the times I've been in this situation. I just wanted her to be there with me. I forgot the fireworks...and started to cry. I was thankful for the umbrella, because it kept the rest of my family from seeing.

Eventually the fireworks ended and we had to pack up and leave. It started to rain a bit harder on the walk back. My sister and her boyfriend were under one umbrella and my mother and father were under another. I just walked in the rain. I didn't care about getting wet. So I walked and followed. The rain soaked my hair and clothes. Only once did they look back to see if I was there. I rode home in the car in silence. When I got home, I cried again. I feel so pathetic...I'm sick of crying and having no one there to hug me. My mother has never been sensitive about such things. My sisters are more likely to poke fun or mock me. And my dad isn't even worth trying to talk to. I wont get a hug here. When I go back up to school, I wont get a hug there either. I'd literally have to search around to find someone to hug. I wish there were more of my closer friends around. There are very few I feel comfortable with crying in front of them.

Anyway, I'm not a big fan of holidays. Every one is pretty much the same to me now. Just another reminder of who I was and who I'm not with. I think I'm going to go to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. Good Night.

Luv,

Jess