Posted on July 28th 2004, 11:43 pm
I'm definitely getting nervous. It's 6 days away and I can feel it pretty strong. I may start having trouble sleeping, we'll see. All I have to remember is that I'll be sleeping a lot in the next couple weeks. That should be enough to get me through my day. At least, I hope it will be. I'm not scared. I know I'll live and that there wont be any problems. I've just never had major surgery before, and it's making me a little jittery. Maybe I should take a nap...if I can. I am tired. I was up a little late last night.
Speaking of last night, I talked to Jill. We had a big talk actually. I was honest with her and told her how I feel. She was awesome and was honest with me too. She's still having reservations, but not because of me. She's over the issues of me being trans. She really lifted a weight off of me there. I have been paranoid about that forever now. She's actually more worried about hurting people and hurting me again. I'm not going to go into detail or anything. I respect her privacy, but now I understand what's going through her head.
It made me think back to the few days before Jill and I met. We already know both her and I are dorks for meeting on hotornot.com. I got the double match notification early in the week. I debated for a few days about whether I wanted to even e-mail her. All I could think about was what happened with the last girl I met online. I got really hurt then. I wasn't sure I wanted to put myself through the possibility of the same thing again. Eventually I realized that getting hurt is a part of relationships and love. If I don't risk getting hurt, I'll never meet anyone. So I went for it and e-mailed her. I knew what I was getting into. That's one reason why I forgave her right away.
So, after that conversation, I felt really good about things. I don't know what will happen with Jill, but I do know that she'll be at least a good friend. I don't think she'll up and run off again. She's changed a little now. My trust level went up too. So I'm happy. I hope she works through some of the issues she's having so we can have a good friendship at least. I'll be there for her if she needs to talk. Anyway, I'm starving and it's dinner time. See ya later.
Posted on July 27th 2004, 10:49 pm
We're talking regularly again. It's almost as if nothing happened and we've been talking the whole time....almost. I definitely am still attracted to her. I'm being very cautious now though. I guess I just don't want to get hurt again. I've been trying to keep my distance, but not really. Like, I really want to talk with her and still get to know her still, but I also don't want to let myself get so attached like I was. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm really trying to think of her as a friend for right now even though a big part of me wants to think of her as more than that. As I've said many times before, I hate having crushes.
I haven't asked her how she feels, but I'm not sure I really need to or want to. I haven't decided yet. I may just let things go as they have been. I still am not sure how comfortable she is with me. But anyway, aside from all that questioning and caution, I'm really enjoying talking to her again. I'm happy she's still in my life. :)
I was invited over to a friend's house for dinner last night.It was the person who runs the queer group for the local high school. Her name is Beth. She's married and has a little girl Lucy, who's almost a year old. Lucy is just enthralled with me. She just stares at me with big wide eyes. When I smile at her, she gets a huge smile on her face. She was coming over by me all night on her own. It was a little awkward for me, but it was so cute. She's adorable. They have two kitties as well. One of them is very friendly. Beth said she's never seen the kitty so comfortable with anyone. I think it's my nails she likes. The other kitty tends to be shy, but she seems to be more comfortable with me too. She let me touch her, and she also sat in the same room as the rest of us. Normally that doesn't happen. I apparently have a comforting presense in that house. Needless to say I had a good time. It was a nice, relaxing evening with friends.
I looked at my finances for the week and discovered that I wasn't going to have any money to pay for the party this weekend. One of my friends found out and donated money to me. To the person who donated, I know you read this and thank you. It really helps. I hate being broke. I know it's a part of college, but it still sucks having to ask for help all the time.
Tonight's another meeting for the youth group I'm volunteering for. It should be fun. I've enjoyed it so far. This is my last week with them until after surgery. I can't believe the surgery is so close. Honestly I haven't been thinking about it as much lately because I keep thinking about the surprise of Jill reappearing. I think that's a good thing. If I focused on the surgery I'd probably be so nervous that I'd be throwing up. Just more proof that everything happens for a reason. I still can't believe I have less than a week to go before my dream comes true. It's just amazing. Anyway, I should probably go get ready for the group tonight. Bye everyone.
Posted on July 25th 2004, 4:51 am
Jill read my e-mail and talked to me today. Part of me is glad she did, the other part wishes she didn't. I think the perfect thing would have been just an explanation and a goodbye. Now she's in my head again. It's like I have to get over the whole thing once more. She had feelings for me, but she's definitely not comfortable with me. I can tell that much. I don't think she will be either. She's found a girl, and I told her in the e-mail that she should stay with this girl. Just because she feels bad about how she treated me doesn't mean she should forfeit future happiness with someone. I forgave her for hurting me. I keep getting told that I shouldn't have, that I'm too nice. Maybe that's true, but I also was never really angry. I was just hurt and disappointed. She gave me an explanation, and that's all I wanted. That's enough for me.
She admitted that she broke her promise to me that she would at least say goodbye. She apologized to me for that, and she knows that I don't necessarily trust her anymore. I've been preoccupied all day with thoughts of this whole thing. It doesn't help either that she's out with her girl tonight. Speaking of which, she is no longer dating this girl I guess. They're just friends with benefits, which is one of those concepts I just never understood all that much. I keep trying to tell myself I'm not interested in her anymore. I don't want to wait for her anymore. I don't want to be hurt, or preoccupied anymore. Something tells me this isn't over though. I think something may be coming yet...good or bad.
I'm so sick of being hurt. She said to me the thing that every girl tells me: You're wonderful and you'll find that special girl for you someday. When are they going to stop telling me that and finally be that special girl. I always say, and someone always yells at me for saying it, that some people are not meant to be with anyone. I'm one of those people. The more times things like this happen to me, the more I believe that statement though. Maybe it's self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe it's bullshit...who knows. I just know that it's been a long time since I've been with anyone, and never have I been with anyone for any decent length of time. Let's just say my past doesn't give me much hope for my future.
She told me about a conversation she had recently with her brother. He tends to be pretty straight forward about things, a little blunt might be the way to put it. She told him about everything that happened between us. After I told her about me being trans, she started thinking of my emotions and thoughts as male. She thought that I'm strong and tough and could take it. Her brother said to her that I probably felt it more than she did because not only do I have the thoughts of a female and emotions of a female... I also have the added stress of being a trans girl. So the feelings of rejection and abandonment set in two fold. I was awed by that statement. He couldn't have said it more perfectly.
So now I'm trying to deal with this all over again. I'm worried that talking to her now will keep bringing back my feelings for her and reminding me of what happened. I don't want to fall in love with her, and I know that could happen. I need to get her out of my head. I hope I can find some way to do that. I think I'm going to start working on a story I've been meaning to write for a while. That may help me a lot. We'll see. Maybe I'll even post it online. I'll keep you posted on it.
Posted on July 23rd 2004, 9:34 pm
I got home last night from a meeting at about 11:00 pm. The meeting was for group facilitators of the youth group I'm now officially a volunteer for. We had a good time just chatting for a few hours after the real meeting was done. So anyway, I walk into my apartment and turn on my monitor to find two instant messages on my screen. I normally get offline messages, so didn't think much of it.
So I check the first one to see who it was. I closed the window because the person was offline. Looked at the second one and stopped breathing. I just remember thinking "Holy @#%$. It's her." My heart was racing. I was completely shocked. It was a message from Jill. I literally had to take a few minutes to let it sink in before I could do much. I never expected to hear from her again.
She started apologizing in her IM, but said she's gather her thoughts and put them into an e-mail. I went and found the e-mail and read through it. It was really heart felt and I could tell a lot of emotion was put into it. She said she was sorry for the way she treated me. She feels she acted selfishly by just leaving like that. She has thought about me everyday since we last talked. She has genuine feelings for me. She was just so uncomfortable with me being trans. She was scared and ran away. Last night was the first night she had been onto her e-mail account since she talked to me last. Apparently she had 73 e-mails, but the goodbye e-mail I sent to her was the only one she bothered to read.
So two weeks later, I finally have an answer. I still am not sure I can believe it. I messaged her back saying how shocked I was and thanked her for e-mailing me. I said I'd e-mail her today. I haven't yet. I'm not sure I've gathered my thoughts and feelings enough yet. I think I will start it as soon as I finish this though. I told my friend Sarah about the whole thing today. She asked me if I've ever met her. When I said no, she said "wow, and that's just from the emotional connection between you two." I honestly can forgive her for leaving. She will definitely have to earn my trust back though.
So anyway, I'll keep ya'll updated on my little drama here. I better get to the e-mail. See ya.
Posted on July 20th 2004, 9:21 pm
I did it. I sucked up my pride and asked my parents for money again. It was really hard this time. I really really hope that's the last time I'll be having to do that for a while. My parents are almost as broke as me. They helped pay for my SRS and they're also doing most of the shopping for my older sister's wedding. I feel like a jerk for having all this medical crap I have to do that insurance promptly ignores.
This was the first time it bothered me so much I cried though. I just remember back to when my mother called me a money hole. I cried then too...but that was different. That was my mom in a mood. This time it's all me. I will pay them back, and hopefully more than full. All I have to say is Money sucks.