Posted on August 23rd 2003, 6:21 am
It's the last day of work for me today. I go back to school on Monday, and I really can't wait. This last week all I've been doing at work is daydreaming about moving in and starting school. It's sad. I never would have expected that as a kid, but I really do want to get back to it. All I see at work is back to school shoppers with their piles of school supplies. If I get anymore of those customers, I think I'm going to go crazy though.
I hung out with another old friend this week. I swear, this summer has been hang out with random old friends summer. It was a good time. We caught up and she told me that she thinks I'm such a cool person. I have the greatest friends. I'll miss the ones here when I go back up to school. The people at my job all seem so genuinely upset that I'm going back to school and leaving them. It's touching.
I took some pictures with my friends at work yesterday. One of them was with a girl I have had a crush on all summer. She's just gorgeous. She put her arms around me too. My smile in the picture is completely geniune cause of it, too. She's probably completely oblivious to my crush too. I probably wont ever know on that one. Oh well. Yeah, the pictures I took are actually good pictures of me, but I can't use them cause the people in them don't want to be on the site. I didn't expect them to, but it totally figures. I finally get a good recent picture and I can't use it.
I had a lot of steam I had wanted to blow off recently, but I always seem to forget what it was at this time of night. Maybe if I wrote these entries when I'm awake, I'd have more coherent thoughts. We'll see after school starts. Anyway, time for bed. G'night.
Posted on August 15th 2003, 4:50 am
Today was the funeral. It went well. It was an odd feeling for me. I wasn't emotional. Everyone else was, but not me. I wanted to be, and actually, I felt bad for not being emotional. But really, I think it's because I said goodbye to her a year ago. I had let go, so it wasn't so hard for me. It was obviously hard on everyone else, especially my mom. She'll be upset for a while now, but that's to be expected.
The wake was last night. It also was really nice. Lots and lots of people came. In fact, So many came even today for the funeral that the procession was something like 30 cars long. I'm sure we were pissing people off who had to be places. It was a good thing for me though. Again, it sounds horrible for me to say that, but it's true. There were a lot of family members there that gave me such encouragement and support. I feel so much better about myself now than I did a week ago.
I wore a skirt both days, and strangely enough, I wasn't nervous about it. In fact, I didn't even think about the fact that practically all of the people there had never seen me as a girl before until most of it was over. I got lots of compliments too. I had to smack my dad once though. He'll never understand the whole pronouns in public thing.
What happened these past two days really honored my grandma. She had so many wonderful friends and family. I can see it in their treatment of all of us. Even my pentecostal relatives were great. I've learned that they are making an effort to try to understand me and my difficulties. I got long intimate hugs from that part of the family. I will miss my grandma, but in a way I don't have to. Her family and friends are still there to remind me of what kind of person she was. I'm just so happy she's not in pain anymore.
In other news, my lease finally arrived. I have a place to live for school, which is good considering move in is only a week and a half away. They have installed an air conditioner in my apartment now too, which means I'll be comfortable no matter what now. That's great. I got paid today, which means I can afford all my supplies and rent. Oh, and my video card finally came. It's working great so far, though, it's just showing that the whole backbone of my computer needs to be replaced as well. We'll see if I go that far. I might just be that stupid. To prevent any more stupidity though, I should get some sleep. Good night everyone.
Posted on August 11th 2003, 5:36 am
At 12:07 pm on Sunday, my grandma passed away. I, unfortunately had to work. My parents told me of the moments before her death. My uncle was telling a story to the family. It was a hilarious story apparently. My dad said he was in tears it was so funny. Right after my uncle finished telling that story, my grandma died. It was as if she was waiting to hear the last part of the story before leaving. She was 80.
I came home on my lunch break and my older sister informed me of the news. I asked a few questions and made my lunch. Emotionally, I felt ok. While I was eating the rest of the family came home along with my aunt and cousin. They chatted and snacked until I had to head back to work. I was still emotionally fine. However, when I got to work, after taking my first two customers, I found myself fighting back tears. It didn't take long before I had to sit down for a little bit and compose myself. After about 10 minutes, I was ok to go back to work and actually managed to stay composed for the rest of the shift. I was impressed with myself for that.
On another note, my little sister has been sick for quite some time now. It's been an off and on thing. Well, Friday, she finally learned why she always feels so crappy. She was diagnosed with an ulcer. I feel so bad for her. They've got her on the purple pill called Nexium. It'll take a while for it to heal, which means she still feels sick. I just hope the drug helps and she starts to feel better in a couple weeks.
The only good thing happening is that I finally bought a new video card for my computer to keep up with the times. It's a video suite, so I'll still be able to do video capture and editing. I love that sort of thing. Yeah, that'll be here on Wednesday. We'll see how it goes. That's about it for news with me. Too bad it's mostly bad news. I'm going to get some sleep now. G'night.
Posted on August 8th 2003, 5:36 am
My mother found out tonight that my grandma is dying. She had kidney failure several years ago. Recently she had a stroke. We knew it was getting close. Now it's here. It's a strange feeling. She had her stroke while I was at school. So she really didn't see me during my transition. I knew she found out about it and knew she wasn't too keen on the idea. I visited her once after her stroke in the hospital. She told me I needed a haircut. No surprise there. Since then, I haven't visited her. My parents agreed that it probably wasn't a good idea to visit anyway. I didn't want to give my grandma any more emotional trauma than she was already experiencing. She had enough on her mind as it was. So in that time, I really grew apart from her. Now that she's about to die, I'm starting to remember her more and it a way I regret not getting to go visit her. I wonder if I'll cry tomorrow when I'm working my mindless cashier job, and my mind wanders to this topic?
On a completely different note, I wasted $185 on a new video card today. It'll be here sometime next week. I know I shouldn't have...no need to tell me. I'm sure I'll regret it later too. Too late now though. I'm sure it'll be nice, and I'll enjoy it.
My dream last night was strange and involved cats. I did fly in it though. So I don't know if that counts as a superhero dream. Leave a comment with your opinion on that. Anyway, time for bed. G'night.
Posted on August 7th 2003, 5:08 am
So now that makes four states with state-wide protection against transgender discrimination. California just passed their new law. Now we have Minnesota, Rhode Island, New Mexico, and California. That's a whole 8% of the country. We're almost into double digits here. I'm excited.
.....yeah, that's about all I had. That and it would figure that as soon as I start writing about my dreams, they change. So yeah, I'll have to start over again. I flew in my dream last night. However, the night before was a dream about high school/college. I get those often enough too. So yeah, back to one day on my dreams. Now...on to more dreams. Good night.