Posted on July 20th 2003, 7:13 am
I don't know what my problem is. I can never get myself to go to bed before midnight. It always just feels wrong if I try. I think I'm supposed to be up late, or something. And on top of that, I've been working so much lately too. In fact, just yesterday I worked 17 hours. That's a long day. I was so exhaused at the end. It really sucked. I can't wait until Tuesday, my next day off. That'll be nice.
So, yeah. I'm having computer troubles now. I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and well, I didn't really think Windows XP was ever going to crash on me. Needless to say, it happened. My video card is having issues with DVD playback. It goes even as far as hard booting the computer on it's own. So, I think I'm strongly considering a new card. Not too much choice there.
Aside from that, there really isn't too much going on right now. I'm really enjoying David Eddings' "Belgariad" series. I'm on the third book right now, and have no intention of stopping anytime soon. It's a great story. Takes me away from the huge frustrations of being at home and being emotional.
I still haven't done anything about my friend. Not sure what to do. I feel bad for being upset with her, but at the same time, I think my feelings are valid. I've explained the situation to a lot of people, and most of them say I have a good reason to be mad at her. I really don't know what to tell her. I want to apologize for being mad and explain how I feel. At the same time, I understand that she's moved on. I basically want to say something to the effect of that if she wants to do something, she should let me know. I'm not going to put a ton of effort into it anymore, only to get disappointed.
As for hormones, I'm still not seeing much of any difference. Though, I see myself everyday. The gradual changes I probably don't notice. I see my endocrinologist later this week, and she'll be taking measurements. We'll see how they compare. I'm thinking of mentioning to her that I want a different anti-androgen. Spironolactone makes me too dizzy. She may up my estrogen doses too. That'll make things interesting again.
Aside from the usual ups and downs that estrogen makes me very aware of, I think things have been pretty average. The snots continue to make life difficult. I saw my best friend tonight, and that was great. I really can't wait until school starts again. The more and more I'm at home and at work, the more I think that. It's amazing that last summer I felt completely the opposite. Hopefully summer will end fairly quickly. Now, it's time for sleep. G'night.
Posted on July 14th 2003, 6:58 am
So this was an interesting weekend. Saturday was the party I had planned for a month. Though, it didn't go as well as planned. A lot of people couldn't make it. Five people were stuck at work and couldn't come. One was out of town on plans that couldn't be changed. There really weren't as many people as originally had been anticipated. We made the best of it though. Lots of frisbee, food, and lightsabers.
Now, one friend of mine, who I haven't seen all summer for more than five minutes...literally, had been excited about the party since I started planning it a month or so ago. She and her boyfriend were going to be there. Well, I knew her boyfriend wasn't going to enjoy it. He just doesn't fit in with us nerds. So, I informed her that I really didn't think he'd enjoy himself, but he's welcome to come. That was a few weeks ago. So, yeah, over the course of the summer, I've tried to get together with her several times. Every time she's blown me off for her boyfriend. Except for once, in which it was for her dad. That was all fine and dandy. I knew the party was coming up, and I'd get to hang out with her all day then. I mean, that was really the purpose of the party anyway, to get to see my friends for a whole day.
So ok, an hour before the party starts, she calls me up. She tells me that she can only be there for three hours because she has to help move her boyfriend's mom. I felt completely insulted. I mean, I go to college with her, and I rarely got to see her then. I pretty much felt that my friendship wasn't worth her time. I was angry with her, but I didn't want to be mean to her either. So I did my best to be kind and not show my feelings. I don't need to start a fight.
Well, I talked to some of my friends at the party after she left, and they told me my feelings were justified. That made me feel a bit better at least. However, the next morning when I told my parents, they threw it in my face. Said I was being selfish and that people change. I couldn't believe it. My parents both didn't have many friends growing up. So I guess, I'm not surprised that they felt that way. Sympathy is not a word any of my internal family members know, and they definitely don't show it either. I just got frustrated and more upset. See, the problem I have there is that they don't get the whole "lots of hormones = lots of emotion." They think I'm just as emotional as I was before. And if I mention that I have a ton of estrogen, they'll say I can't use my hormones as an excuse, and they'll blow me off.
Unfortunately though, it is true, the estrogen...especially at the levels I'm at...make my emotions much more severe than before. I was really upset by the fact that my friend blew me off yet again. I don't feel it's selfish at all to want to see my friend once in a while. The more people I talk to though, the more justified I feel. My parents seem to be the only ones who think it's selfish. Everyone else agrees with me. So there mom and dad.
Aside from that, we had fun at the party though. Lots of good fun. Sunday was draining. I had to work early and didn't get enough sleep. Work was boring due to no customers. The coolest part was that when I got home, I called back the old high school friends I hung out with on Friday. They invited me over to hang out. So I went and had a great time. It's good to know I have friends again. It's a real enlightening feeling. OK, I'm so tired, I'm going to pass out right here and now. I better get to sleep. G'night all.
Posted on July 12th 2003, 8:31 am
So tonight I hung out with a small group of old high school friends. It was fun. Definitely a different event for me though. I don't normally go where there are throngs of people, most of which are consuming alcohol. But the band was really good. I had fun with the girls despite the lack of the "dancing gene." My two sisters inherited that one. So, throughout the time the band was playing, I felt like a moron.
The one thing I hate about being in large groups of people are the eyes. I'm always uncomfortable when people are looking at me. I can't tell if they realized I'm trans or not. I know some of them had to have. I'm just glad no one tried to hit me over the head or something. Hmmm...that's funny. I guess there is a bit of my mom's pessimism in me. I didn't think there was.
Oh, and yesterday was a day off....finally. I spent a lot of my day with one of the Snots. My little sister. I was surprised that she wasn't a brat all day. In fact, we had a good time. It was incredible. We went grocery shopping, played video games, made muffins, among other things. It was really a good day. Maybe there's hope for my sister and my relationship yet. Well, I'm off to bed.
Posted on July 9th 2003, 8:23 am
Well, Tuesday is now added to the list if worst days ever for me. It started bad. It rained. I woke up late. As a result, I was late to work. I worked a short day and figured it would go pretty quick. I was wrong. The day took forever. I figured bad weather would keep people at home, but no, they still came in throngs. Rarely down time at all. So, ok...I started in an ok mood. Then, After thinking about the new girl that I have a crush on, I got depressed. It's just the "I know I can't do anything about it" thing that always gets me down when I'm attracted to someone. So...while I'm in that mood, some of the worst customers I've ever had come through my line.
I got bitched at by this one customer for not checking her signature on her credit card. She apparently had it stolen a while back. First off, half the customers don't even show me their card. Second off, it's not my fault she lost her card. Third off, she's the irresponsible one who lost it in the first place, so she shouldn't blame me. She was the beginning of a string of bad ones. One old lady got pissed because I took her hangers off the clothes she was buying, despite that being policy and she didn't tell me she wanted them until after they were off. Then she made sure I folded them perfectly. After that, she bitched cause I asked for ID on her check. Then, because the check was over $200, I had to get it approved by a supervisor. She was just not happy. I better move on to the next thing, cause customers could fill up this whole thing if I wanted to.
So, after the depression, I just got annoyed and angry. I just wanted to go home, and time was moving slow. When they did let me out, it was late. So, I felt the need to play a video game with violence after that. It's a nice way to blow off steam. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. So, I bought "Enter the Matrix" for PC. I take it home and spend forever installing it. When I started playing, my fears were confirmed that my computer can't handle the game. I tried to play anyway until a sound glitch prevented me from playing anymore. So disappointing. For dinner, I had reheated leftovers...wonderful. I decided to call some people after that. No one was home. So I gave thought to calling the girl I fell in love with two years ago now. We try to keep in touch. I hadn't talked to her for 3 or 4 months. So I call, she's not home, but will be soon. So I wait. I putz around for a while. Then, I finally call her back. She picks up and says "Hi, sorry, I'm on a long distance phone call with my fiancee. Can you call back later?" I said sure as the last thread of attachment to her snaps.
Now, I haven't seen this girl for two years. I've been over her for quite a while now, but for some reason, this really affected me. When I got off the phone, I was slightly shocked. Then I felt the pain. I started bawling. Very quickly it passed the sobbing stage. I went online to try to talk to my best friend. He helped me to calm down and stop crying, but it hurt. It's a strange feeling. This relationship has taken a long time to pass. When she first moved away, the axe hit the tree the first time. When she decided not to move back here, the axe hit the second time. When she didn't move back for the summer, like she said she was going to, it hit the third time. When she told me that she would have married me had I asked, it hit the fourth time. And tonight, it hit the fifth time, and now, the tree has fell. The relationship has closure for once. It's a good thing I guess....but it hurts all the same.
After talking to my best friend online, I decided I needed to go outside and get some fresh air. As I left, I discovered that God is still looking after me despite the faith that I've lost these past months. My cell phone rang when I was about 15 feet away from the house. It was an old high school friend that I had run into a few days before. She and I talked for a long time. She listened to all my woes and was very comforting. I knew I wouldn't have gotten any sympathy from my immediate family. They're terrible like that. So I was so glad she called. By the end of the conversation, I felt ok. In fact, I felt even somewhat happy. So, I thank God for her. So, hopefully my upcoming days will be better. They better be, or I'm going to be taking it out on a lot of people. Now I'm off to bed. Work in the morning. G'night.
Posted on July 8th 2003, 8:01 am
So, today and I guess since summer began, I've been running into old high school or family friends. Each time I see someone I knew, I feel a nervous chill shoot down my back. It's a cool sensation. I feel excited and slightly afraid at the same time. If they recognize me, it's not nearly as much fun. It's more fun to surprise the people. No matter what thus far I have gotten great reactions.
Usually its "WOW! I didn't even recognize you. How are you? You look great." I find the last part funny because I don't see it so much. I see the remaining beard shadow, the adams apple, the muscle and lack of chest, but hey, I take the compliments, no problems. I always get good responses though. People seem genuinely happy to see me and have no issues with me at all. That truely surprises me and makes me very happy. Thus far, I've really enjoyed running into people I haven't seen.
I guess that is certainly a good sign. Years ago, trans people would be shot if they were discovered. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I don't know. I'm just glad I live in this day and age, and not any earlier. Well, I'm off to bed. More work in the morning. It never ends. See ya.