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I've noticed that no matter how much fun I have with my friends, after they leave, I am constantly reminded of how alone I am. I went to visit my best friend at his store tonight. His girlfriend, also one of my best friends, was there too. I love seeing them. They are such wonderful people. After the store closes at night, we frequently have sword fights in the parking lot. Well, he and I are trained with some sort of weapon. However, both of us are somewhat rusty. His girlfriend isn't, but we still include her. It's all in good fun anyway.

Everytime though, it seems as if he and I eventually go at it just him and me, and she get's singled out. I feel bad everytime this happens. She always looks so alone. And despite the fun her boyfriend and I are having, there's always this feeling like I'm being selfish. I'm taking away her boy. I really don't know what to do about it.

Even with that though, they always make me happy to see them. And they are always so happy together, even in bad times. I envy that more than they know. Every night after we all leave and start heading home, they're together in the car sharing the love they have between them. And I drive home in a silent, lonely car. I have no one. I guess that makes me an oxymoron. I love being with the people I love, yet I know I also love solitude. Maybe it's just that in a way, I feel as if all of my friends are going to get married and move on. They wont have time for me anymore. They'll have their families. And I'll continue to be alone. Maybe that's a childish thought, I don't know. But I can't help but think it.

Well, I better get to sleep. I have a long day ahead of me. G'night all.

Luv,

Jessica

I've figured out how to fix any problem I have with my mood. Any time I'm in a bad mood, all I have to do is eat something really good. This past weekend, I discovered a local sandwich shop. When I worked on Sunday, I was really cranky before my lunch. I decided to go there to get my food. When I got back and ate the sandwich, all my issues drifted away. For the rest of the night, I was in such a good mood. No one could get on my bad side and nothing annoyed me. It was great. In fact, it was so great that I bought another sandwich there tonight. It made me happy tonight too. So, now that I've unlocked this secret, I'm going to get fat. hehe.

Yesterday, my sister finally got her computer from one of my friends. She got everything she needed and hooked it up. Once she got it running, all it did was freeze. That was upsetting to say the least. She finally got it going, and started converting one of her cds to mp3, when she heard a loud popping noise. This I still can't believe, but the CD exploded while it was spinning and transferring data. When I came home from work, I took a look at it. It was jammed up and wouldn't even open. After forcing it, I was able to shake out all the bits and pieces of CD that were left. Needless to say, the drive was trashed. My sister was upset too, considering she paid so much for it. I felt bad, and thankfully, I could help.

I had an extra DVD drive lying around. In fact, it was the one that I swapped out cause it wasn't working quite right for me in my computer. I put that in for her and got things running. I checked all the settings and it was working fine. In fact, the problems I had with the drive in my computer were gone. It was working better in hers than in mine. She now has a fully functional DVD drive. We even popped in the Shrek DVD just to see if it would work. It looked beautiful. And, there was no more computer freezing. I was so happy I could fix it for her, since she had such a bad day. After that, we sat and talked for an hour. It was great. We laughed and had a good time. It was a good re-bonding time. I felt like we took a great step in becoming the friends we once were again.

Now, she's sick. Tomorrow she gets an enema...I don't think she wants me saying that, but oh well. I was trying to pick up her mood all day today. Tonight, while I was at work again, I came up with a great idea. Tomorrow I'm going to buy her a replacement CD of the one that blew up. Hopefully, that'll cheer her up. We'll see. I'll write how it goes in the next couple days. Now it's time for bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica

I don't know what my problem is. I can never get myself to go to bed before midnight. It always just feels wrong if I try. I think I'm supposed to be up late, or something. And on top of that, I've been working so much lately too. In fact, just yesterday I worked 17 hours. That's a long day. I was so exhaused at the end. It really sucked. I can't wait until Tuesday, my next day off. That'll be nice.

So, yeah. I'm having computer troubles now. I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and well, I didn't really think Windows XP was ever going to crash on me. Needless to say, it happened. My video card is having issues with DVD playback. It goes even as far as hard booting the computer on it's own. So, I think I'm strongly considering a new card. Not too much choice there.

Aside from that, there really isn't too much going on right now. I'm really enjoying David Eddings' "Belgariad" series. I'm on the third book right now, and have no intention of stopping anytime soon. It's a great story. Takes me away from the huge frustrations of being at home and being emotional.

I still haven't done anything about my friend. Not sure what to do. I feel bad for being upset with her, but at the same time, I think my feelings are valid. I've explained the situation to a lot of people, and most of them say I have a good reason to be mad at her. I really don't know what to tell her. I want to apologize for being mad and explain how I feel. At the same time, I understand that she's moved on. I basically want to say something to the effect of that if she wants to do something, she should let me know. I'm not going to put a ton of effort into it anymore, only to get disappointed.

As for hormones, I'm still not seeing much of any difference. Though, I see myself everyday. The gradual changes I probably don't notice. I see my endocrinologist later this week, and she'll be taking measurements. We'll see how they compare. I'm thinking of mentioning to her that I want a different anti-androgen. Spironolactone makes me too dizzy. She may up my estrogen doses too. That'll make things interesting again.

Aside from the usual ups and downs that estrogen makes me very aware of, I think things have been pretty average. The snots continue to make life difficult. I saw my best friend tonight, and that was great. I really can't wait until school starts again. The more and more I'm at home and at work, the more I think that. It's amazing that last summer I felt completely the opposite. Hopefully summer will end fairly quickly. Now, it's time for sleep. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica

So this was an interesting weekend. Saturday was the party I had planned for a month. Though, it didn't go as well as planned. A lot of people couldn't make it. Five people were stuck at work and couldn't come. One was out of town on plans that couldn't be changed. There really weren't as many people as originally had been anticipated. We made the best of it though. Lots of frisbee, food, and lightsabers.

Now, one friend of mine, who I haven't seen all summer for more than five minutes...literally, had been excited about the party since I started planning it a month or so ago. She and her boyfriend were going to be there. Well, I knew her boyfriend wasn't going to enjoy it. He just doesn't fit in with us nerds. So, I informed her that I really didn't think he'd enjoy himself, but he's welcome to come. That was a few weeks ago. So, yeah, over the course of the summer, I've tried to get together with her several times. Every time she's blown me off for her boyfriend. Except for once, in which it was for her dad. That was all fine and dandy. I knew the party was coming up, and I'd get to hang out with her all day then. I mean, that was really the purpose of the party anyway, to get to see my friends for a whole day.

So ok, an hour before the party starts, she calls me up. She tells me that she can only be there for three hours because she has to help move her boyfriend's mom. I felt completely insulted. I mean, I go to college with her, and I rarely got to see her then. I pretty much felt that my friendship wasn't worth her time. I was angry with her, but I didn't want to be mean to her either. So I did my best to be kind and not show my feelings. I don't need to start a fight.

Well, I talked to some of my friends at the party after she left, and they told me my feelings were justified. That made me feel a bit better at least. However, the next morning when I told my parents, they threw it in my face. Said I was being selfish and that people change. I couldn't believe it. My parents both didn't have many friends growing up. So I guess, I'm not surprised that they felt that way. Sympathy is not a word any of my internal family members know, and they definitely don't show it either. I just got frustrated and more upset. See, the problem I have there is that they don't get the whole "lots of hormones = lots of emotion." They think I'm just as emotional as I was before. And if I mention that I have a ton of estrogen, they'll say I can't use my hormones as an excuse, and they'll blow me off.

Unfortunately though, it is true, the estrogen...especially at the levels I'm at...make my emotions much more severe than before. I was really upset by the fact that my friend blew me off yet again. I don't feel it's selfish at all to want to see my friend once in a while. The more people I talk to though, the more justified I feel. My parents seem to be the only ones who think it's selfish. Everyone else agrees with me. So there mom and dad.

Aside from that, we had fun at the party though. Lots of good fun. Sunday was draining. I had to work early and didn't get enough sleep. Work was boring due to no customers. The coolest part was that when I got home, I called back the old high school friends I hung out with on Friday. They invited me over to hang out. So I went and had a great time. It's good to know I have friends again. It's a real enlightening feeling. OK, I'm so tired, I'm going to pass out right here and now. I better get to sleep. G'night all.

Luv,

Jessica

So tonight I hung out with a small group of old high school friends. It was fun. Definitely a different event for me though. I don't normally go where there are throngs of people, most of which are consuming alcohol. But the band was really good. I had fun with the girls despite the lack of the "dancing gene." My two sisters inherited that one. So, throughout the time the band was playing, I felt like a moron.

The one thing I hate about being in large groups of people are the eyes. I'm always uncomfortable when people are looking at me. I can't tell if they realized I'm trans or not. I know some of them had to have. I'm just glad no one tried to hit me over the head or something. Hmmm...that's funny. I guess there is a bit of my mom's pessimism in me. I didn't think there was.

Oh, and yesterday was a day off....finally. I spent a lot of my day with one of the Snots. My little sister. I was surprised that she wasn't a brat all day. In fact, we had a good time. It was incredible. We went grocery shopping, played video games, made muffins, among other things. It was really a good day. Maybe there's hope for my sister and my relationship yet. Well, I'm off to bed.

Luv,

Jessica