Blog

This past week was me slowly climbing out of the hole from the week before. I had thought I had found the college I wanted to go to, but found out that it cost about 15 thousand a year. So that ruled that one out. I eventually found another college that isn't private. It seems like it has everything I would want and it's also much cheaper than a private college. So, that seems to be my best option right now. I'm going to see an adviser at that school in a little over a week. I'm excited to see where that may take me. It'd be nice to have some real direction in school again.

I realized late into last week that I haven't had any time to release for a long time. I needed a break from all this work. It just so happened that on Friday I got word of a party that one of my best friends was having for his 2 year anniversary of his store. I decided at the last minute that I was going to go. The store is three hours away from where I live, but it was worth it. It was a costume party, so I decided to go as an elf princess. It's a very similar costume to what I am wearing in one of my pictures, but I had a few more elaborations to it. I had elf ears and this really cool necklace that you wear on your forehead. I did my makeup really well too. My friends actually told me I looked elvish, like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. It was a wonderful compliment. Alas, I took second in the costume competition. I was second only to a cute little 10-year-old ninja. I was actually very happy that the little kid won. Kids deserve that kind of thing. Plus he was being really cute the whole night.

I made a couple friends there and spent most of the time chatting with them. It was a fun time to not think about life or school. I really had a good time. After the party, I slept over night at my friends house. We spent a lot of the night talking. It was just him, his girlfriend (who is also my best friend), and me. I really wish we all lived closer together, because I really miss getting to spent time like that with them. And here I am looking to go to a school further away. I'm a dork...

Sunday night, after I got back home from the party, my mother called me. We actually had a civil conversation completely devoid of arguments. It was actually a good conversation. We discussed many things including my transition, which was the cause of argumentation in the last phone conversation we had. This time, we were talking heart to heart without our emotions getting in the way of our rationale. I think my parents are starting to accept me. I'm so happy about that. Maybe I can go home for Christmas this year after all. That would be wonderful. I hope things continue in this trend.

Well, I start my first official shift at my new job tomorrow, so I'll let you know how that goes. Until then, it's bed time for me. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Well, I had hoped that the weekend would prove to be better than the days before. I'll admit that they weren't as bad, but they were still bad. Friday I took my exam in the morning. I wasn't prepared enough for it at all. I guessed on a lot of the questions. I am just not having the best semester. I don't think I bombed it, but I didn't do stellar, that's for sure. I found out later that day that my piano midterm was next week. The guy who told me didn't have time to tell me the details of what I needed to know for the test. So I was slightly out of luck there. That just ruined any possibility of relaxation over the weekend. I had to work Friday night. It was rather uneventful. One of the local high schools had it's homecoming that night, so hardly anyone came to the movies. Made for a very slow night.

Saturday was easy at first. I slept late. Took the morning slow and had to work that night. It was busy. Unfortunately, I had to work with the new guy again. There's nothing wrong with him, he just works slow. He's new. That's to be expected. The problem was that our manager is a jackass. He seems to be very unprofessional. He wreaks of booze and insults his employees in front of customers. Boy, was I happy to be there working that night.... I had to close the place too, which meant being there until almost one in the morning. The rest of my week was starting to weigh on me again, and I eventually had to hold back my emotions. I was still visibly upset, and my friend that I was working with started asking me stuff. I shared with her as much as I could about it, but as with most, she doesn't understand. When I got off of work, I cried hard on my drive home. I drove slow to be safe. It was hard to see through the tears. I composed myself when I got home. My roommate got home at about the same time, and thankfully he had no idea I had been crying. I don't like to show people my pain. I don't know why. I guess I'm embarrassed to cry in front of people.

Sunday was terrible. I called my parents to talk. They were less than receptive. My mother started an argument. So we fought within a few minutes of being on the phone. She told me that they aren't going to help me at all with paying for anything. I am currently approved for three more visits to my gender therapist. Once that is done, I wont be able to pay to go there anymore. That pretty much shuts the door to transitioning. I really don't know what I'll do. I'm hoping that they will reevaluate me and approve me for more. It's a possibility.

That night, I started looking into other types of schooling. I need to look at all my options. With money being a big issue, I may have to take some time off, or at least drop to part time student. I'm going to have to work a lot more. I've been discussing my options with my best friend, and came up with a framework for me for the next year or so. Hopefully things will work out. I'm really on shaky ground right now. I could use some stability. I really hope that things will start looking up soon. I'm sick of being at the bottom.

Luv,

Jessica

Bear with me, this entry is going to be long. These past few days have been a rollercoaster for me. I've been trying to switch my major for a while now. I've been seeing advising to get an idea of what I should be heading towards with a major. I was pretty set on a Mass Communications: Electronic Media degree. However, I went in and talked to the head of the Mass Communications department, and she talked me out of it. Apparently that major here at my school sucks. It lacks focus and doesn't prepare you for much. For being an electronic media major, there was little to do with electronic media at all. So, now I'm at a loss. I really enjoy that sort of thing. I do video work, sound work, and web design work on my own, and I really enjoy it. I was really thinking that's the way to go. Now I'm faced with the choice of either picking something else, or switching schools. I have to decide soon too. I'm in my third year, and I need to focus in and choose a career. Otherwise, I'll be a perpetual college student.

Well, that advising session was on Tuesday. Also on Tuesday was my job interview. That went really well. I got there early, and we started right away. It was a very personal atmosphere. I felt very comfortable with the management. She was very impressed with my application. She asked me a whole slew of questions, which I answered to the best of my ability. It was a long interview filled with a lot of talking. In the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend with the manager of the store. She was very comfortable with me being transgendered. In fact, she told me that if any customer gives me more crap than I can handle, all I have to do is let her know and that person will be banned from the store. That made me feel very welcome and protected. So, I got the job. Unfortunately, the management position had been filled a day or so earlier. So I wont get to be an assistant manager, but I will still work there. She told me she was going to put me in a position where I could move into a management spot easily. She wasn't just saying that either. I feel I can genuinely trust her. So I am very happy about this job. Plus, it doesn't look like there is much of a dress code, if it exists at all. That means I may be able to wear flare leg jeans and the like to work. Yay!

Tuesday night I had a massive inspiration to revamp the website design. So, that's what I spent my evening doing. I really need to work on my studying skills, because lately I've been setting studying aside to do the things I actually enjoy. The good thing is that the things I enjoy are still very productive, like this website. The bad thing is, my grades could possibly suffer. Even as I write this right now, I am procrastinating. I am so bad. Here, I have a bad joke for you. I am going to make a list of the top ten reasons I procrastinate.

1.

 

......I'll finish it later. (see I told you, bad joke)

So, Wednesday was a very interesting day. I had two important appointments. One was a laser hair removal consultation. The other was a gender therapy session. The laser session was first. I learned that it is going to cost me $425 each session to get my facial hair laser removed. I also learned about how much it's going to hurt. They did a sample of the laser on my hair. She gave me two rubber balls to hold on to so I don't punch her. I didn't expect the pain to be as much as it was. It's going to be hard for me to do the whole face, but I still want to do it. No pain, no gain. I may want to wait until I'm on hormones first. They say it's easier then. Otherwise I could start now. I don't know yet. I'm going to give it some thought.

The second appointment was three hours later. So, I had to sit around for a while. I ate dinner and relaxed. It was actually kind of nice aside from the snow. It was the first snow of the year. It was quite cold out. Oh, I forgot to mention. I wore my flare leg jeans, red girls Scooby-Doo t-shirt, and a black, hooded, zippered sweatshirt on top. I had pink hair clips in too. I was feeling really cute. Just before my session, some people were coming into the waiting area. They were all transgendered people about my age. I met some of them. They seemed really cool, but I didn't have a lot of time to talk to them. They had to go into their group counseling session. So I waited until it was time for mine. A little while later it was my time, and it was good. We discussed starting hormones and set a time table for when I will aim for actually getting approved for them. We're shooting for February. That's really cool with me. It'll be my birthday present. I have a few things I need to do before I'll be eligible, but I can do it. I'm not worried.

After the session was over, I went out into the parking lot, and there were the people I met before the session. They were talking. I decided to go and say hi. We ended up talking for a long time. It was a really great experience for me. I've never met any transgendered people my age before. They all seemed really nice too. I gave them all cards, and I hope they e-mail me. I'd really like to get to know them better. I'm always looking for friends, especially really cool friends like them. They said they'd check out my site. So, with that....I hope you guys write me. hehe.

Today was the emotional day for me. It started with me finding out that I have an exam on Friday. I didn't know about it because I missed that class on Wednesday. Way to go Jessica. I just hope I don't fail it. After that, I received an e-mail from Lauren. It was a forward from a website about the recent final ruling of a court case involving transgender. The article made me upset. I was thinking about it for the next few hours. I was trying to think of something I could do to help with this, and maybe there is. I just feel so helpless. Discrimination just never ends. You'd think as a society we'd have learned from our past mistakes already, but no. So, I'm upset about that. I had to go drop something off, so as I'm walking back, I start thinking about how much the major change that I'm doing for school is frustrating me. I really have lost my direction. I am also frustrated with living this life. So that all compiled together really started to wear away my composure. I was feeling like I was going to cry. I ran into a friend on my way back home. She gave me a hug, and I came a thread away from losing it right there. I focused and got control back. I got myself home before letting go. When I finally finished crying, I decided I wanted to talk to someone. So I went online and started talking to a friend of mine about the whole thing. He sided with the court ruling. That really upset me again. I swore at him and disconnected. I felt bad about that right afterwards too. I grabbed my coat and decided to go for a walk. I was upset so I left in kind of a huff. In my hurry leaving, I left behind my keys. Unfortunately I had locked the door. So now I was locked out of my apartment.

So I walked to a friends apartment. No one was home though. So, feeling a bit cooled down, I called up the friend I swore at and apologized for swearing. We talked it over and I realized that I cut him off when I swore at him. He was about to say something that would have changed everything. He really does see my side on it. So I felt better then. By the time we finished on the phone, one of my friends came to the apartment and let me in. I ended up having to stay there for about 7 hours before I could get back into my place. It was really good though. They are such wonderful people in that apartment. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Over that time though, I couldn't study, do my homework, or anything else I had planned to do. So I guess I got screwed tonight, and it's my own fault. What a crappy day. I really hope tomorrow turns out better. Speaking of tomorrow....I should really get working on my studying and homework. Otherwise I'll be screwed even more. I can't wait for the weekend. Until then, bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Today and yesterday were an interesting couple of days. I had a very relaxing Sunday afternoon followed by a night of working at my job. It wasn't so bad at all. It was a slow night, so there was a lot of down time. Not too many people go to movies on a Sunday evening. I'd have to say the best part of the night was working with my new friend. She never questions me about why I look different. She doesn't assume I'm gay, and she's just a nice person. She's very friendly. I wish more people were like her. When we left that night, we were talking about stuff. I said something about how I felt that people are afraid of me at my job, and they don't talk to me. She seemed surprised by this and asked me why I would think that. I said that I look different and people think I'm gay. The guys probably think I'm going to hit on them. If they just asked they'd find out that I'm not gay, and I'm actually a nice person. She said that she didn't think I was weird or scary, and even told me she thinks I look great. I thanked her and told her I'd write about her on my website. She got excited about that and asked about the site. So I gave her a card. I hope she gets to read this. That would make me smile.

Earlier on Sunday I had dropped off an application at a store in the mall called "Hot Topic." They are a clothing store and they seem to hire a wide diversity of people. Now, I know I already have a job, but it just isn't paying me enough....minimum wage. So I have to look for a second job. This seemed probably the best place. Their application said that they don't discriminate based on anything. When I turned the application in, they got all excited and told me that they'd call me in a day. I took that as a good sign. Today while I was at class, they called me. I called back later when I was home, but the management had left already. I was kind of disappointed, but I could call again tomorrow. Thankfully I didn't have to. About an hour later, they called again. The management had dropped in and was told that I called. I was very happy to hear from them. She was very animated on the phone and was very happy to interview me. So, hopefully things will go well tomorrow in the interview. Cross your fingers for me.

I had a dream I want to write about, but I think I'll save it until next time. I'm just too tired right now. Jessica needs her beauty sleep. Good Night all.

Luv,

Jessica

This past week has been very hectic. It was homecoming week at my college. I'm in the marching band, so we were busy all week long. I had assignments up to wazoo too. I finally have some rest tonight. I took a nap for a couple hours. That felt sooo nice. I never get enough sleep. There are very few days when I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock. Hopefully those days will get more frequent soon now that marching band is done.

Well, since last weekend, I haven't talked to my parents. I think that's a good thing. We all need our space after that. They experienced the shock, and now they need to let it soak in. It'll take time, but I think they'll get used to the idea of a new daughter. I've been used to it for a while now. Though it's not easy for me by any means. I cried last night. This life is just so hard. I wish I could have lived a normal, boring life instead of this one. There is just so much I have to face that doesn't seem fair. I never asked for this nor did I choose it. But I do have to live it, and I'm trying to do the best I can.

I am looking forward to this coming week. I'm going to be doing a major update on the site. I have three or four girls who are going to be starting their diaries and such. I am so excited that people are showing an interest in the site. I've been looking into making t-shirts and sweatshirts if there is interest enough. I think it would be a great way to show transgender pride. Plus, who wouldn't want a "Down with Jerry Springer" t-shirt? I have a few designs I'm working on. I'd probably go through cafepress.com. It seems like the easiest way to do it. Feel free to e-mail me if you are interested. I'd love to know how many people would want something like that. I also am planning on talking to the professor that teaches HTML and web design here. Maybe I can get some suggestions or help on the site. I have so many ideas, but I just don't know how to go about doing them. I really need to take a class on it.

Well, I should have an update in a few days. By then, I hope I get some rest to recover from this last week. Until next time, Good night.

Luv,

Jessica