Posted on October 22nd 2002, 5:23 am
Well, I had hoped that the weekend would prove to be better than the days before. I'll admit that they weren't as bad, but they were still bad. Friday I took my exam in the morning. I wasn't prepared enough for it at all. I guessed on a lot of the questions. I am just not having the best semester. I don't think I bombed it, but I didn't do stellar, that's for sure. I found out later that day that my piano midterm was next week. The guy who told me didn't have time to tell me the details of what I needed to know for the test. So I was slightly out of luck there. That just ruined any possibility of relaxation over the weekend. I had to work Friday night. It was rather uneventful. One of the local high schools had it's homecoming that night, so hardly anyone came to the movies. Made for a very slow night.
Saturday was easy at first. I slept late. Took the morning slow and had to work that night. It was busy. Unfortunately, I had to work with the new guy again. There's nothing wrong with him, he just works slow. He's new. That's to be expected. The problem was that our manager is a jackass. He seems to be very unprofessional. He wreaks of booze and insults his employees in front of customers. Boy, was I happy to be there working that night.... I had to close the place too, which meant being there until almost one in the morning. The rest of my week was starting to weigh on me again, and I eventually had to hold back my emotions. I was still visibly upset, and my friend that I was working with started asking me stuff. I shared with her as much as I could about it, but as with most, she doesn't understand. When I got off of work, I cried hard on my drive home. I drove slow to be safe. It was hard to see through the tears. I composed myself when I got home. My roommate got home at about the same time, and thankfully he had no idea I had been crying. I don't like to show people my pain. I don't know why. I guess I'm embarrassed to cry in front of people.
Sunday was terrible. I called my parents to talk. They were less than receptive. My mother started an argument. So we fought within a few minutes of being on the phone. She told me that they aren't going to help me at all with paying for anything. I am currently approved for three more visits to my gender therapist. Once that is done, I wont be able to pay to go there anymore. That pretty much shuts the door to transitioning. I really don't know what I'll do. I'm hoping that they will reevaluate me and approve me for more. It's a possibility.
That night, I started looking into other types of schooling. I need to look at all my options. With money being a big issue, I may have to take some time off, or at least drop to part time student. I'm going to have to work a lot more. I've been discussing my options with my best friend, and came up with a framework for me for the next year or so. Hopefully things will work out. I'm really on shaky ground right now. I could use some stability. I really hope that things will start looking up soon. I'm sick of being at the bottom.
Posted on October 18th 2002, 5:23 am
Bear with me, this entry is going to be long. These past few days have been a rollercoaster for me. I've been trying to switch my major for a while now. I've been seeing advising to get an idea of what I should be heading towards with a major. I was pretty set on a Mass Communications: Electronic Media degree. However, I went in and talked to the head of the Mass Communications department, and she talked me out of it. Apparently that major here at my school sucks. It lacks focus and doesn't prepare you for much. For being an electronic media major, there was little to do with electronic media at all. So, now I'm at a loss. I really enjoy that sort of thing. I do video work, sound work, and web design work on my own, and I really enjoy it. I was really thinking that's the way to go. Now I'm faced with the choice of either picking something else, or switching schools. I have to decide soon too. I'm in my third year, and I need to focus in and choose a career. Otherwise, I'll be a perpetual college student.
Well, that advising session was on Tuesday. Also on Tuesday was my job interview. That went really well. I got there early, and we started right away. It was a very personal atmosphere. I felt very comfortable with the management. She was very impressed with my application. She asked me a whole slew of questions, which I answered to the best of my ability. It was a long interview filled with a lot of talking. In the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend with the manager of the store. She was very comfortable with me being transgendered. In fact, she told me that if any customer gives me more crap than I can handle, all I have to do is let her know and that person will be banned from the store. That made me feel very welcome and protected. So, I got the job. Unfortunately, the management position had been filled a day or so earlier. So I wont get to be an assistant manager, but I will still work there. She told me she was going to put me in a position where I could move into a management spot easily. She wasn't just saying that either. I feel I can genuinely trust her. So I am very happy about this job. Plus, it doesn't look like there is much of a dress code, if it exists at all. That means I may be able to wear flare leg jeans and the like to work. Yay!
Tuesday night I had a massive inspiration to revamp the website design. So, that's what I spent my evening doing. I really need to work on my studying skills, because lately I've been setting studying aside to do the things I actually enjoy. The good thing is that the things I enjoy are still very productive, like this website. The bad thing is, my grades could possibly suffer. Even as I write this right now, I am procrastinating. I am so bad. Here, I have a bad joke for you. I am going to make a list of the top ten reasons I procrastinate.
......I'll finish it later. (see I told you, bad joke)
So, Wednesday was a very interesting day. I had two important appointments. One was a laser hair removal consultation. The other was a gender therapy session. The laser session was first. I learned that it is going to cost me $425 each session to get my facial hair laser removed. I also learned about how much it's going to hurt. They did a sample of the laser on my hair. She gave me two rubber balls to hold on to so I don't punch her. I didn't expect the pain to be as much as it was. It's going to be hard for me to do the whole face, but I still want to do it. No pain, no gain. I may want to wait until I'm on hormones first. They say it's easier then. Otherwise I could start now. I don't know yet. I'm going to give it some thought.
The second appointment was three hours later. So, I had to sit around for a while. I ate dinner and relaxed. It was actually kind of nice aside from the snow. It was the first snow of the year. It was quite cold out. Oh, I forgot to mention. I wore my flare leg jeans, red girls Scooby-Doo t-shirt, and a black, hooded, zippered sweatshirt on top. I had pink hair clips in too. I was feeling really cute. Just before my session, some people were coming into the waiting area. They were all transgendered people about my age. I met some of them. They seemed really cool, but I didn't have a lot of time to talk to them. They had to go into their group counseling session. So I waited until it was time for mine. A little while later it was my time, and it was good. We discussed starting hormones and set a time table for when I will aim for actually getting approved for them. We're shooting for February. That's really cool with me. It'll be my birthday present. I have a few things I need to do before I'll be eligible, but I can do it. I'm not worried.
After the session was over, I went out into the parking lot, and there were the people I met before the session. They were talking. I decided to go and say hi. We ended up talking for a long time. It was a really great experience for me. I've never met any transgendered people my age before. They all seemed really nice too. I gave them all cards, and I hope they e-mail me. I'd really like to get to know them better. I'm always looking for friends, especially really cool friends like them. They said they'd check out my site. So, with that....I hope you guys write me. hehe.
Today was the emotional day for me. It started with me finding out that I have an exam on Friday. I didn't know about it because I missed that class on Wednesday. Way to go Jessica. I just hope I don't fail it. After that, I received an e-mail from Lauren. It was a forward from a website about the recent final ruling of a court case involving transgender. The article made me upset. I was thinking about it for the next few hours. I was trying to think of something I could do to help with this, and maybe there is. I just feel so helpless. Discrimination just never ends. You'd think as a society we'd have learned from our past mistakes already, but no. So, I'm upset about that. I had to go drop something off, so as I'm walking back, I start thinking about how much the major change that I'm doing for school is frustrating me. I really have lost my direction. I am also frustrated with living this life. So that all compiled together really started to wear away my composure. I was feeling like I was going to cry. I ran into a friend on my way back home. She gave me a hug, and I came a thread away from losing it right there. I focused and got control back. I got myself home before letting go. When I finally finished crying, I decided I wanted to talk to someone. So I went online and started talking to a friend of mine about the whole thing. He sided with the court ruling. That really upset me again. I swore at him and disconnected. I felt bad about that right afterwards too. I grabbed my coat and decided to go for a walk. I was upset so I left in kind of a huff. In my hurry leaving, I left behind my keys. Unfortunately I had locked the door. So now I was locked out of my apartment.
So I walked to a friends apartment. No one was home though. So, feeling a bit cooled down, I called up the friend I swore at and apologized for swearing. We talked it over and I realized that I cut him off when I swore at him. He was about to say something that would have changed everything. He really does see my side on it. So I felt better then. By the time we finished on the phone, one of my friends came to the apartment and let me in. I ended up having to stay there for about 7 hours before I could get back into my place. It was really good though. They are such wonderful people in that apartment. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Over that time though, I couldn't study, do my homework, or anything else I had planned to do. So I guess I got screwed tonight, and it's my own fault. What a crappy day. I really hope tomorrow turns out better. Speaking of tomorrow....I should really get working on my studying and homework. Otherwise I'll be screwed even more. I can't wait for the weekend. Until then, bye.
Posted on October 15th 2002, 5:23 am
Today and yesterday were an interesting couple of days. I had a very relaxing Sunday afternoon followed by a night of working at my job. It wasn't so bad at all. It was a slow night, so there was a lot of down time. Not too many people go to movies on a Sunday evening. I'd have to say the best part of the night was working with my new friend. She never questions me about why I look different. She doesn't assume I'm gay, and she's just a nice person. She's very friendly. I wish more people were like her. When we left that night, we were talking about stuff. I said something about how I felt that people are afraid of me at my job, and they don't talk to me. She seemed surprised by this and asked me why I would think that. I said that I look different and people think I'm gay. The guys probably think I'm going to hit on them. If they just asked they'd find out that I'm not gay, and I'm actually a nice person. She said that she didn't think I was weird or scary, and even told me she thinks I look great. I thanked her and told her I'd write about her on my website. She got excited about that and asked about the site. So I gave her a card. I hope she gets to read this. That would make me smile.
Earlier on Sunday I had dropped off an application at a store in the mall called "Hot Topic." They are a clothing store and they seem to hire a wide diversity of people. Now, I know I already have a job, but it just isn't paying me enough....minimum wage. So I have to look for a second job. This seemed probably the best place. Their application said that they don't discriminate based on anything. When I turned the application in, they got all excited and told me that they'd call me in a day. I took that as a good sign. Today while I was at class, they called me. I called back later when I was home, but the management had left already. I was kind of disappointed, but I could call again tomorrow. Thankfully I didn't have to. About an hour later, they called again. The management had dropped in and was told that I called. I was very happy to hear from them. She was very animated on the phone and was very happy to interview me. So, hopefully things will go well tomorrow in the interview. Cross your fingers for me.
I had a dream I want to write about, but I think I'll save it until next time. I'm just too tired right now. Jessica needs her beauty sleep. Good Night all.
Posted on October 14th 2002, 5:24 am
This past week has been very hectic. It was homecoming week at my college. I'm in the marching band, so we were busy all week long. I had assignments up to wazoo too. I finally have some rest tonight. I took a nap for a couple hours. That felt sooo nice. I never get enough sleep. There are very few days when I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock. Hopefully those days will get more frequent soon now that marching band is done.
Well, since last weekend, I haven't talked to my parents. I think that's a good thing. We all need our space after that. They experienced the shock, and now they need to let it soak in. It'll take time, but I think they'll get used to the idea of a new daughter. I've been used to it for a while now. Though it's not easy for me by any means. I cried last night. This life is just so hard. I wish I could have lived a normal, boring life instead of this one. There is just so much I have to face that doesn't seem fair. I never asked for this nor did I choose it. But I do have to live it, and I'm trying to do the best I can.
I am looking forward to this coming week. I'm going to be doing a major update on the site. I have three or four girls who are going to be starting their diaries and such. I am so excited that people are showing an interest in the site. I've been looking into making t-shirts and sweatshirts if there is interest enough. I think it would be a great way to show transgender pride. Plus, who wouldn't want a "Down with Jerry Springer" t-shirt? I have a few designs I'm working on. I'd probably go through cafepress.com. It seems like the easiest way to do it. Feel free to e-mail me if you are interested. I'd love to know how many people would want something like that. I also am planning on talking to the professor that teaches HTML and web design here. Maybe I can get some suggestions or help on the site. I have so many ideas, but I just don't know how to go about doing them. I really need to take a class on it.
Well, I should have an update in a few days. By then, I hope I get some rest to recover from this last week. Until next time, Good night.
Posted on October 8th 2002, 5:24 am
I apologize for taking so long getting this post up. It was a busy weekend. I got to my house on Thursday night. Friday I went out looking for a winter coat, because it's starting to get pretty cold outside. When my parents came home from work later that night, I told them I had been looking for a coat. I had found one I liked. My mom asked me where I found it. I told her it was at Express. My mom was shocked to hear that I wanted a girl's coat. She asked me why, and I told her that it was because I wanted to get something that would last me longer than six months, and if I got a guy's coat, I wouldn't wear it after then. She didn't understand, and I explained that I have decided to start hormone replacement therapy and eventually transition. They were a little upset by it, but surprisingly, not that bad. They took it pretty well. My mother said to me "Well, we can't live your life for you." That comment in itself made me very happy. I had my parents support. We talked about it for a little bit before we left to go out to eat. It was, of course, the conversation of the entire evening. We discussed it on the way there and while we were eating. Afterwards, we went out to shop for stuff, including my winter coat. They bought it for me, which really surprised me yet again.
Saturday, things changed. My mother told me she didn't think I thought through my decision enough. She thinks I haven't thought about losing my ability to have children. She doesn't realize how long this has been brewing in my head. I've been thinking about transitioning since I was little. I've thought about everything you could possibly think about involving it. Well....maybe not everything, but I definitely have thought about having children. We ended up getting into a big fight. I never realized how stereotypically minded my mother is. She made some pretty nasty stereotypical comments about alternative lifestyles. I made sure to set her straight on those....no pun intended. I have this problem when I get into arguments. I have "old man" syndrome when I get frustrated and angry. I think my mind goes "Maybe she didn't hear me the first time....I'll say it louder." So I end up yelling, and my mother mocks me while I am yelling. That makes me all the more frustrated an angry. I'm sure you can see the circle going on here. I usually end up storming off, which is what I did in this instance. It just never ceases to amaze me that I've presented my mother and father with the facts so many times, yet it seems like they don't hear them. I think they just choose not to believe them, because they don't want to accept what is happening in their family as real.
After storming off, I was on the verge of tears and needed to find somewhere to go. I ended up driving to the movie theater I work at back at home. I hid in the office with the manager, who is one of my supportive friends. I held back the tears as much as I could, but some of them couldn't be held back. Had I not had some control, I probably would have been bawling for a while. Thankfully, I avoided that. My friend and I talked through things, and I calmed down and felt better. After a while, I went back home. My mom and I got into another discussion. This time, I told myself I wouldn't yell, and I would remain calm. It was hard, but I managed it. It ended up being a heated discussion, but it was better than an argument. Sometimes I felt like I was getting through to her, but sometimes not. Talking through a generation gap doesn't work that well.
Eventually I had to go to work, which was back at the movie theater. A lot of people go to movies on a Saturday night. I was working in the vending stand. I have the benefit of being friends with every employee at that theater. Most of them know about my gender issues, and all of them are supportive. So, I usually don't have to worry about much at my job, but I still have customers to deal with. Often times younger kids will snicker and laugh. Many times I get gay comments, including that night. As I was walking through the lobby of the theater, some kid walks past me and says "Hi Guys" with a heavy stereotypical gay lisp. I just turned around and gave him a dirty look. I wanted to say something, but I also want to keep my job. So I refrained. That's not the bad kind of comments I get though. Some adults can be very rude. I had one family buying food. The father says "Whoa, what happened to your nails?" I made some stupid joke to hopefully keep him from asking anymore questions, but he persisted. He then said "Are you wearing pumps?" and looked over the counter. I told him no. He then asked me if I did it for Halloween. I very shortly said "No, that'll be $13.50." That surprised him a bit, but yet he still persisted. He asked the girl on the register next to me what color her nails were. She didn't have hers painted and told him she's lazy. Finally, they left. You'd think people would have more courtesy than that, but alas, they do not.
Sunday was yet another switch. My mother went from argumentative to questioning and accepting. She took me shopping. I still needed a winter coat, because the one from Express was just too small. She helped me look through the women's coats at a different store. Eventually I got one that was what I wanted. It was purple too, my favorite color. I got a scarf, gloves, and a headband as well. Then, she surprised me yet again. We went into the girls clothing section and I picked out stuff I wanted. She actually bought me clothes. I couldn't believe it. There was some stuff that was lower cut, and she said that I should wait with that until I've transitioned and have a bust line. She was even offering me advice. I was truly amazed.
I left to go back to school. I picked up my best friend, and we drove together. We stopped off in a town to visit yet another best friend of mine and we had dinner. I wish I could spend more time with my best friends. On the rest of the way up, we talked a lot about how life has been to us. When we were about twenty minutes away from school, we looked to the northeastern skies and saw the most beautiful display of the Northern Lights that I have ever witnessed. It was like the images you see in National Geographic magazines. They looked like a moving curtain of colors, shimmering across the sky. It was awe inspiring. As we continued to drive home, we saw a couple deer; a Doe and her fawn. It was a very fitting end to an interesting weekend.
Sorry this was so long. I'll try to keep it a little shorter next time. I hope you enjoyed it.