Posted on December 22nd 2002, 5:20 am
School is finally over. I took my last final exam yesterday. It went well. My final grades are almost all posted too. I didn't do as badly this semester as I thought I would. That's definitely a good thing. I'm very glad to be done with this semester too. It was probably my worst semester ever. Not so much with my grades, but with me enjoying school. I can't wait to finally get into some classes I like.
Now that school is over, I'm back at home with my parents. So far things haven't been too bad. I had a heart to heart talk with my mother last night. I think we are going to be ok over these next few weeks. Since Thanksgiving my parents have really become supportive. That has made my last month at school that much better. I think it actually helped me push forward enough to do well on my finals. Otherwise, I may not have had the mental drive to do it.
On Monday I was Christmas shopping in Best Buy. I used my credit card and handed to to the cashier lady. She looked at the card and said to me "This isn't your card." She read my male name on the card and since I look like a female, she questioned it. So, I said to her "It may not look like it, but it is my card," and then showed her my drivers license. She was surprised and finally responded "Oh.....ok." That was a first for me. I told her that had never happened to me before. She apologized, and I told her that it was ok and actually very cool. So, that was my fun experience.
After that, I went to the theater I work at and told the people there about the incident. They said to me "Wow, she thought you were a girl. That's amazing. I've never thought of you as a girl." Another person said, "Yeah, you're a really pretty guy, but definitely not a girl." So, of course, I was really upset by that. It totally ruined it for me. I was thinking "Gee....thanks." At the same time though, give them a few months, and they wont have any trouble thinking of me as a girl. I really really need to start my laser hair reduction. That'll help greatly.
Things are finally starting to happen now. Thursday of this week I went in for an appointment with my therapist and then the endocrinologist. It was the first time I saw her. We went over the basics of hormones, which I knew already. It's good to know I have my expectations for hormones in the right places. I now have a doctors order to get some tests done over break. Unfortunately, my family has a strong history of Polycystic Kidney Disease. That may affect the ability of my body to take hormones. It's uncertain right now whether it will or not. I am going to get tested for it this month. I also have to get my blood tested. After those results are in, I'll find out if the doc will approve me. I'm so excited for that, yet so afraid that this disease will prevent me from taking hormones at all. I don't know how well I would take that. Thankfully, there are other options. When the doc told me that, it really lightened my spirits.
I'm so excited now, because tonight is Lord of the Rings night. I'm meeting my best friend and we are going to see the movie on what's known as "the Ultrascreen." By name, you could figure out that it's a huge screen. The theater has THX sound too. So, it'll be a great time. I asked my friend if he was going to be ok with how I look, as he hasn't seen me for a few months. He was like "Of cour........wait a minute." It was great. You could hear the thought process going in his head. He's a little worried about people thinking we're some gay couple. But I say screw what they think. It'll be fine. It'll be his first experience getting looked at like I get looked at all the time. So, I think it'll be a good thing for him overall anyway.
Well, that's my novel for the week. I probably wont get the chance to write before Christmas. So, just in case, Have a great Christmas and Happy Holidays.
Posted on December 10th 2002, 5:21 am
I can't tell you how much I hate this part of the semester. Everything comes due, and in the music department, it's time to play prepared music for your professor. On Wednesday I have my piano final, and I think I'm going to throw a "No More Piano Class" party that night. I can't stand that class. This semester just sucks, and I'm finding out that it seems to be a bad semester for everyone. Only a few more days and I'm done. It's funny. It reminds me of when I was little and Christmas seemed like it took forever to come. Now, it's the last day of finals that takes forever. Christmas is the added bonus at the end.
Well, Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had expected. My parents have really started to accept me. They were not an issue at all. My relatives came over, and then the fun began. My family is usually one to not say anything and just act as if everything is normal. Then, after the holiday, the rumors and insults start flying. That's pretty much how it went. They tried to ignore the fact that I looked like a girl. My predictions about how they would react came pretty darn close. Two of my uncles came. One is younger, and he reacted very accepting and seemed very sincere. Both my sister and I expected that. My other uncle is the Pentecostal one. He gave me a look when he first saw me that was a combination of "What the?" and "Oh no...not in our family" and "I'm going to have to save him from the fires of hell." It was brief, but I could see it in his eyes. My grandma I think was just shocked and didn't know how to respond...so she didn't. She's not one of the most accepting people though, so I don't expect she's too happy about it.
Aside from the uncomfortable feeling in the air, we had a great dinner. Both my sisters expressed their jealousy to me. I guess I look better in jeans than they do. Hehe...too bad for them. My older sister and I have really started to bond more too. We were never this close in our younger years, and I personally like it. I hope she does too. My little sister on the other hand....she's going through a stage it seems. She's a senior in high school and has an attitude with everyone. I just try to stay out of her way. Over the rest of the weekend, I managed to work 27.5 hours in two days at my job back home. That should help out with paying rent and bills. I drove back to school that Sunday night with a friend and we had a great time.
Little did I know that due to a miscommunication at Hot Topic, I was supposed to work that very Sunday. I of course missed my shift. When I called Monday night to get my schedule, they told me that they had to let me go. I was so confused and upset. I've never lost a job before, especially from missing a shift. I'm more responsible than that. After that call, I called the movie theater to check my schedule there only to find out I was missing a shift that night. There was no way for me to go in and work either. I had my final band concert that night. Thankfully they are very understanding there. Everything worked out. However, I was still upset by it. On top of that, in looking through my closet, I didn't have anything that was feminine and appropriate to wear to the concert. So I had to wear my old guy's dress clothes. I was so mad. I had skirts and things, but I've been trying to ease the school into me, so to speak. They aren't ready for me to wear a skirt yet. Give me a few months yet and then I will. So, with all that, my personal performance in the concert wasn't so great. I was way too distracted with my emotions. It was a hugely disappointing night.
The rest of the week went a lot better. Thursday I got paid and decided to go shopping to make up for the crappy Monday. I found the coolest top ever at JCPenney. It's red with flared sleeves. The sleeves and the bottom of the shirt have bright glitter flames on them. I had to have it. In fact, I wore it today and it was so much fun. I was shedding glitter everywhere though. Digressing back to Thursday, I also went and got some new earrings at Claire's. In a few more days it'll be the full six weeks since I got my ears pieced and I will be able to put new earrings in. So, I was having a good time that night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked. I'm actually starting to enjoy that place. Movie theaters are great places to work. Everyone that works there is wonderful. We're all friends.
Today I had a piano test, which I'm glad is over. It was actually a very relaxing day after the piano thing was done. I fell asleep in a chair in the union. One of my friends found me and woke me up. We talked for a while and caught up. Some of my friends I so rarely get to see despite only living a half mile apart from each other. I also made a new friend later on at the LGBT meeting. The Co-President of the group is a really cool girl. We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. I love making new friends.
Well....as usual, I say I'm going to write a shorter entry, and it's just as long as the last one. This time I wont even say it. Until Next time...Good Night.
Posted on November 27th 2002, 5:21 am
Wow, I've been lazy lately. Almost two weeks and no diary entry. I had wanted to make my entries shorter instead of writing a book every time too. So much for that idea. It's been a rough couple weeks for me. Thanks to Harry Potter and James Bond, I had a lot of work on the weekends. I needed it too. I am so broke right now. That is the biggest problem for me right now. Lack of money. I hit my first big money problem this past week on pay day. Even with all that work I put in, my paycheck was about half of what I needed to get. I am about $30 short of what I need to pay rent. That puts me in a major bind. My credit card bill is due soon too. Plus, I believe the rest of the house bills arrived too. And with Christmas coming, things aren't looking good. I don't want to, but I'm going to have to beg my parents for help. I hate it when I have to do that.
School has been kicking my butt. This semester is probably one of my worst. It's ranking up there just under my second semester of my freshman year when I failed a class. I don't think I'll fail anything this time, but I just can't stand my classes. It's a good thing there are only two more weeks left of class. If there was more, I'd go insane. My piano class is probably the worst out of all of them. My professor is a new professor. He's from Russia and is really strict. My school has attendance policies that have to be the lamest thing ever. Most teachers don't actually follow the policies, but my piano prof does. I was doing really well in the course despite missing class often. I never got lower than a B+ on a test, but because I missed class more than twice, my grade is at about a C- or D+. You'd think that if we pay that much to go to school, it would be our choice whether or not to go to class, especially if we are doing well in the class. Apparently that's not how it works here at my college. So, I got screwed.
I realized in the past week that I am suffering from depression. I've been through depression before, so I recognized the signs. I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up. My appetite has changed, and I have no motivation to do anything. I also have been down emotionally for a while. I know why I am depressed, but right now, there isn't much I can do about it. I don't want to go on medication, so I'm just going to deal with it on my own. Part of the cause of it is school right now. So, when winter break hits, I think I'll start to feel better. I just have to be patient.
Thanksgiving and the rest of the upcoming holidays has my family on edge. My sister e-mailed me about her nervousness in seeing me on Thursday. It's going to be awkward at first. I think everyone will adjust, but it will take time. I think they will start to get used to me as Jessica and even like me. My sisters may even like me more as a girl than they did when I was a guy. We'll see. I can only hope.
Last Thursday was a very hard night for me. I went out with all my female friends from my music theory class. We ate dinner at the school cafeteria and then went to see one of the Jazz bands perform. Before we went out, I had been excited about it, but as the night went on, my excitement deteriorated quickly. I am attracted to most, if not all of the girls that I hung out with that night. As the night progressed, I truly felt how uninterested they are in me. Don't get my wrong, they are my friends. They just don't want an intimate relationship. It wasn't anything they said to me, or anything we talked about. It was just apparent in their actions. It was very obvious how they feel. I am already lonely. So, having this on my mind combined with my loneliness was very difficult to deal with. When we got to the concert, my ex-girlfriend showed up. We are great friends, so that wasn't a problem. She is moving on though. I am very happy for her in that she has finally found someone to be with again. We sat next to each other during the concert. I spent the entire concert fighting my tears. I didn't want to start crying and ruin the concert for my friends, nor did I want to make a scene. I did, however, want a hug really bad. No one noticed. They just thought I was just tired, and that's why my eyes were red and I wasn't smiling. I learned to cover my emotions up so well, that now it's hard for me to show people how I actually feel even when I'm trying to. I really didn't want to push my problems on my ex, and that's why I didn't say anything. But I wish someone would have told me it was ok and given me a hug. At the end of the concert, I snuck out quietly and no one noticed. I went home and cried there. I doubt anyone had a clue.
Hopefully I can pull myself out of this depression. I know it's going to be hard. I can only pray that I don't sink lower. Let's hope that this Holiday weekend picks me up a little bit. We'll see soon enough. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.
Posted on November 13th 2002, 5:22 am
My last week was a productive one. On Wednesday last week I went to an advising session at the technical college I'm looking into transferring to. That really lifted my spirits up. The school has everything I am looking for and more. It's in a more open minded environment as well. I also found out about an LGBT scholarship that is offered there that I can apply for. From the looks of it, I stand a good change at getting something. All in all, it seems like the best place for me to be. I can't wait to go there. Too bad I have to wait until next school year.
After that, my plans for school finally came together. So I now know what I'm going to do next semester and for the next few years. It feels wonderful to have a plan that will actually work for me. I've picked out my classes for next semester and I'm ready to register. It's going to be a fun semester. I'm taking classes I'm going to enjoy instead of required courses. I really look forward to that, since I really am not enjoying school right now.
The weekend proved to be busy for me. I worked all weekend. Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. We were busy still despite not getting 8 Mile or Santa Clause 2. Saturday night was the most exciting of them all. First off, I worked with cool people. I really am starting to make friends there and enjoy myself while working. That night, I went on my break with two of my better friends there. While eating, a guy walks up staring straight at me. He starts asking questions about the movies we have, and then quickly switches to me. He used the classic line "You look familiar. Have I met you somewhere before?" He starts asking me personal questions. He then sits down at the table my friends and I were at and asks more. He asked me if I was gay, and by this time I knew he was gay already. When I told him I'm not, he tried to cover it up by saying he had a girlfriend. I was thinking "Yeah, bull crap you do." but I said nothing. He tried to make small talk, but thankfully, one of my coworkers was like "Is it time to go back yet?" and I responded "Actually, we're late. Let's go." and we quickly left. It creeped me out. The guy never even introduced himself.
Oh, yeah, on Friday night there were two mentally slow people that I had to serve popcorn to. One of them was like "No offense, but you look like a girl." I said "I know" and continued with the order. He eventually said it again. So I said "I know" again. This time he continued on by commenting about my makeup. After he saw my nails, he started calling me Cinderella. I took his money and he left. I wouldn't have put up with that kind of attitude if the kid wasn't actually mentally slow. He has an excuse. However, next time I get that, no way.
Sunday was dull. The local football game was on at noon, and since we didn't get the big movies that weekend, it was dead. So, the day took forever to end. What an exciting story, huh? That night however, I was talking to my roommate about vocal therapy. I had thought I might talk to the voice professors in the music school, but he had a better suggestion. One of his friends is a Communicative Disorders major and might want to help me. I spoke with her, and she was very enthusiastic about helping me out. She warned me about some of the techniques online as they may be damaging to my vocal chords. She also suggested I go to their clinic. I may be able to get voice lessons for free due to my student status. That would be nice. I was very excited about that.
Monday I impressed myself by going to every single one of my classes. That's a rare thing for me, especially on Monday. That evening I went to Yahoo Transgendered chat and tried out my voice. I have trouble getting unbiased opinions elsewhere, and I'm usually too afraid to talk to my friends using my female voice. So, Yahoo is probably the best for it. I got some really good responses. I apparently sound good. That makes me feel better, but I still want to go to the voice lessons. Practice makes perfect.
Today, Tuesday, I spent way too much money. The extended edition of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring came out today, and I had to get the gift box. So, I broke in my new credit card to get it. Then, I went to Hot Topic and splurged some more on clothes I wanted. I got about $100 worth of clothes, but with my discount, it cost me $60. So, now I have something to watch, and stuff to wear. But, I spent money I don't have. So, that's not good. I need to stay on a budget from now on. We'll see. Maybe I should keep track of that here so that you all can scorn me for spending too much. I did get a very cool Wonder Woman hooded sweatshirt though. Come on...who wouldn't want that? Well, I think yet again it is time for me to get some sleep and end this long diary entry. Good Night and God Bless. :)
Posted on November 5th 2002, 5:22 am
Well this whole 'post once a week' thing is working well for me. It gives me plenty of time to have stuff happen to me to write about. The only problem is that I write too much and things get long. Oh well, long entries are more interesting anyway. This one is definitely going to be long.
This past week had my favorite Holiday of the year. Halloween is always fun for me. I love being able to let myself out in public and be accepted for one day. On Wednesday, I asked my music theory class if I should come as a princess the next day. I was planning on doing it anyway, but I wanted to see the response. Half the class, most of which were my friends, had their hands up. The other half had this look of "you're kidding, right?" on their face. It was funny. So, after that, I felt a little less nervous about going to my classes dressed up. At least I'd have some moral support.
I woke up 2 hours before my first class. Unfortunately, with shaving and everything, I took 2 and a half and missed my first class. That's ok. It was worth it. I froze my butt off walking to campus. When I got there, I walked around until I found someone I knew to walk with for moral support. It took about 20 minutes until I felt ok. It was hard to believe I was standing in the middle of my school dressed as I was. A year ago I would have thought of that as a nightmare. After I relaxed, the fun began. No one recognized me. It would take a few seconds before even people that knew me pretty well could figure it out. That in itself was cool. Everyone was very impressed at my "costume." When I went to class, I got very good reactions from my friends and very funny reactions from everyone else. My professor was probably the best. After that class, I was done for the day with school, but I decided to parade around anyway. I was feeling so wonderful that I wanted to show everyone. So, I bore the cold weather and walked around. I scared one of my former professors. I also surprised the person at the cafeteria. If only my voice didn't give me away.... I really need to work on that.
That night I went to show my employers. My manager at Hot Topic took my picture for me. I put that shot in my pictures if you want to see it. After I went home, I joined up with some friends and went to my second ever college house party. After three years of school, I've only been to two. Anyway, it was fun. I watched everyone else get drunk. Drunk people are funny to watch. I don't drink, so parties have never been much of a draw for me, but I had a good time. After the party, I hung out at my best friend's place. I stayed there until four in the morning. I didn't want to get out of my outfit. I wish I could have that feeling of contentment all the time. However, it'd be nice if I could have that feeling without the medical tape, really thick makeup, and padding. I can't wait to start hormones and laser hair removal.
The weekend was fun. I played in the band at the football game on Saturday. We always have good times at the games. I laughed so hard I cried at this one. Also, I was really surprised. I thought that dressing on Halloween would scare people away from me, but it had the opposite affect. I felt amongst kin. Everyone included me and joked around with me. Now more people talk to me than before. That's so great. On Sunday I had to work. A customer whom I had meet before talked to me. She said she checked out my website and thought it was great. She read the whole thing. I was so surprised and happy. She was so nice. That really made my day. My dad called and it was a good conversation again. We didn't fight at all. So that makes two weeks in a row. Let's keep a count and see how long we can go without fighting. Oh, and I finally got my ears pierced. I went to Claire's and only paid about $15. The first one didn't hurt, but the second one did. They look really pretty. Maybe I'll take a picture and put it up for everyone to see.
Today was really good too. I went to my 9:00 am class for the first time in a week and a half. I've been slacking so bad in that class. I felt very good that I went. I got compliments on my earrings all day. I got my music theory exams back and I aced both of them. My friend actually took her shoe off and hit me with it cause I did so well. That was funny, but it hurt too. Later, when I was walking to get some food, a random person stopped me and told me she went to my website. She said it looked wonderful and I should be proud. She asked me if I was Jessica and told me I'm beautiful. I couldn't believe it. It was so cool. Then, I had band later. I am confused by a girl in my section. She's cute, and she keeps smiling at me real big and goes out of her way to talk to me. Now, I'm very outwardly feminine, so unless she's bisexual or lesbian, I doubt she's attracted to me. But I can't tell. She might be. I dunno. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Tonight I talked to my ex, and she told me she wrote something in my guestbook. I looked and it was really nice. So, I had a really good week. I hope things continue in this trend. I think I'll end my long story here for now. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Until next time....