Posted on May 18th 2004, 9:19 pm
I just spent an hour and a half sitting outside in the sun on the campus mall chatting with some new friends. It was a really good time. And in fact, it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. It was a lot of smiling and laughing. I really enjoyed myself. I think I need a lot more of that and I'll be fine. I need more happy relax time instead of unhappy relax time. I'll have to work on that.
Posted on May 18th 2004, 4:44 pm
This morning has been a thoughtful one for me. One of the ways I deal with my emotions is by being very introspective. If I'm around friends, they all are like "you keep going off in a daze", which is true. I think. I think a lot. At first it's usually me thinking over the event over and over and letting it get to me, but after a while I actually let myself figure things out. This morning was that time for me.
Before I get into that though, lately I've had a lot of problems with people trivializing how I feel. A lot of "You shouldn't feel that way"s and "You should feel this way"s when the fact of the matter is, I do feel that way, and I don't feel the other way. Just because someone else sees it one way doesn't mean that the way I feel is wrong, nor does it mean they are wrong either. I just wish people would acknowledge that I feel a certain way before telling me how they feel about it. Emotions aren't something you can just turn off or change on a whim. They are there.
However, with that in mind, I probably haven't been handling my emotions well this past week. I think a lot of it has to do with finals stress as well as monetary stress. I remembered something this morning from my childhood that really put a lot of things into a new perspective for me. I have a major fear of rejection. I knew I feared it, but I didn't realize how far back it really goes. It goes all the way back to my early childhood.
The moment I realized I was transgender, that fear started. I must have been four or five. It was a fear that buried itself deep into my mind and set in. I was so afraid that if anyone found out about me being trans, I would lose everyone. I was so afraid of being rejected that I repressed those feelings entirely to the point of repressing even my memories. I was always a very visible geek growing up too. I liked star trek, so i got picked on a lot. I was never one to hide my interests. That just festered that fear of rejection.
As far as relationships go, from the start I was rejected. I had a huge crush in fourth grade that completely rejected me then. That set the trend for me for the next ten years. My first ever actual relationship came in my sophomore year in high school. I dated a girl for five months and then was dumped. She would have dumped me earlier too if it wasn't for a friend of mine. After that, I was so afraid of getting rejected like that, that I broke off any later relationship after a couple weeks. Though, that's more of a fear of being hurt, but I think they are very closely related.
When I came out as trans, for some reason the fear of rejection was outweighed by the need to find acceptance. I was bursting out of my skin and needed to get it out. It's amazing how emotions all work together. I knew more rejection was on it's way. I felt it with friends on certain levels, with family on many levels, and with religion on a fairly straight forward level. I think it was one thing that drove me to start up the website. I know being transgender isn't something to be afraid of, so I had the thought that if I educate people on it, they wont be afraid and reject me anymore.
So I guess when all of last weeks shit hit the fan, that fear kicked in strong. I felt rejected by everyone. It would seem that each time it happens, the fear grows. I lose a little bit of hope with it too. My self esteem was actually going up. This is why I will never have a huge ego. Everytime I get into the positive, something happens to beat me back down.
I really thought that girl was interested. I thought for once someone would see past the transgender and see the person behind it. For once, I wasn't getting rejected by someone I was interested in. I don't really blame her though. Even for me, a trans person is not on the top of my list for dating either. It's settling. Who wants to settle for something they don't want? It's not like we're shopping for candy bars here. I guess I just wanted some closure. After what happened with Sondra, I hate not knowing if things aren't going to happen. I just wanted a "Hey I'm not interested." That would have been easier to handle than this just ignoring me crap. It's cruel. It really is.
In a way it's a short recap of what happened before. It's exactly what I was afraid would happen. And it's my own fault since I let myself get so emotionally attached so quickly. What can I say though, I've been alone for two years. When the promising opportunity of a relationship comes, what am I going to do? I'm going to get excited and let my hopes fly. I think anyone would do the same. Anyway, I need to get to studying for my history final. I'll write less later...since this was so long. Bye.
When am I actually going to find someone? I should get a cat to keep me company.
Posted on May 17th 2004, 10:28 pm
Today begins the onslaught of exams. I have one almost every day this week. The only day I don't have one is on Wednesday. That's the day I go in for my SRS surgical consultation. I'm looking forward to finally setting a date. It's kind of funny. Lisa compared it to setting a date to be married. It's just as significant in my life, so I think it's very much the same.
As far as exams go, I'm having lots of trouble getting myself to really care about finals. I am a queen of procrastonation as well. So studying isn't happening all that much. I think one of the major contributors is that my classes just were not all that interesting. In fact, I'd go as far as to say they were downright boring. Two of my classes I had no qualms about sleeping in. One of them I just decided it wasn't worth my time to even go to since the class overlapped another one I took almost perfectly. So yeah....just not caring all that much. The boring classes are the first two exams. I already took one today. The other one is tomorrow.
My Thursday and Friday exams are actually not too bad. Thursday is my wellness theory class. Not too difficult overall. I just have to do a little reading and thinking. It's a short essay exam. The friday exam is Japanese. One might think this as my most difficult one, but it really isn't. It was my favorite class, so I was always there. I worked hard to keep up. It was a lot of work. But, everything in the class compounds upon itself. You use all of the forms and such over and over. So there isn't a whole lot of studying I need to do. Mainly just a little bit of review.
Still though...just not too big on the whole "studying" thing. I just want to be done. I'm not in the school mindset at all. I don't think I really have been all semester. I've been focusing more on work, finishing my transition, and the campus organizations I'm in. Class for me was just a side venture. It's amazing to me that college is such an important thing in life, and yet there is something that is so much more important going on in my life that class wasn't as much of a priority.
On a completely different note, I am so broke right now. I have a credit card bill I have to pay as well as a prescription to fill this week. I have about $65 until Friday. I can hold off on the bill since it's not due until June, but the prescription I need. The only other issue is that the check I will be getting wont be enough to pay bills and rent. Even by itself it's not enough for rent. I'm a little worried, but at the same time I have a plan. I never use my digital keyboard anymore, so I'm going to sell it on ebay. It's worth about $500. That will solve my money problems for now. If I ever want to get back into piano, I'll buy a new one then. We'll see how the auction goes. I hope someone wants it.
Well, I should get back to work. As usual, I'm at the helpdesk. I keep getting interrupted with having to go check out laptops or answer calls. So yeah, I'll write again later. Bye.
Posted on May 16th 2004, 12:33 am
Chris invited me over to watch the recent Universal Studios version of Peter Pan. It was wonderfully done. It's a very beautiful film and a lot of fun to watch. Afterwards, he got ready for a psuedo date while I rid his computer of adware. His pseudo date arrived, and I left.
As I walked home through the park across the street, my mood turned somber. I've been waiting for a phone call, or an e-mail, or an IM from her for a while now. With each passing day I lose more hope that it'll happen. Chris had been aware of my frustration and disappointment while I was at his house. While I was walking, these thoughts were passing through my head.
It's Saturday....yet another night spend alone. I have had countless fridays and saturdays spent simply by myself in my apartment. Most of my friends are caught up in relationships or with their closer friends. I can't go to bars really since I don't drink and can't be around smoke. I don't have any money to rent a movie either. So I sit, dreaming of the love I will never have.
While I walked, I imagined there was someone walking beside me....with me. I imagined looking up at her and meeting her eyes where we would share a quiet moment together. When that image faded...I walked passed a bench which faced the river. I saw the two of us sitting together, my head on her shoulder. These thoughts continued to purvade my mind even as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. As I opened the door, it was empty as usual. I am beginning to lose hope that I will ever meet someone I can share moments like that with.
Perhaps it is not meant to be. As I said earlier today, I believe things happen for a reason. I also believe each of us has a purpose. Maybe my purpose suggestes I should be alone...or have to be alone. Who knows? I just want love. I wish it didn't have to be just a dream.
Posted on May 15th 2004, 7:00 pm
I feel so much better. In fact, the moment yesterday morning in which I submitted that long post, I felt better. I had so much bouncing around in my head that just needed to get out, and not just out...clearly understood. So, it felt good to write all that. I can't say that I'm completely recovered from that, but I'll be ok now.
People I guess just don't understand how much that group means to me. I'm a very emotional person, if you haven't noticed yet, and I took a lot of pride in the way things were going considering the status of the executive staff. It felt kind of like when my mother told me I'm a money hole. She's family, and she was telling me I was a burden to the rest of them. She also said I had no intention of paying the money back. I just took the money and ran. She was so off on that assumption, and at least the next day I knew she didn't mean it.
Having the organization reject me in that way (and people, don't go off commenting saying that I wasn't rejected, because that's how I felt) felt the same as when my mother said that. Only, this was coming from more people than just one, and we're all so close in the group, I consider us a family of sorts. It felt to me like no one saw how much effort and time I put into it. No one cared that I did anything over the course of the semester. I now know somewhat how parents feel when their kids reject all the gifts and love they've given.
Anyway, I'm healing and I'm sure it's for the best at this point. My friends are right, I do push myself too hard. I'll use the time next semester to de-stress and recover from SRS. We'll see how things go in the next elections. Who knows...maybe I wont even want to be exec staff then. And besides, I still have the student senate LGBT-chair position. So it's not like I wont be doing anything.
Another friend of mine suggested that this group isn't really a step forward for me all that much. It's a great support group and all, but it's really more of a step sideways than forward. He suggests that I was meant to learn something from the experiences, but ultimately my purpose is for greater things than a college organization. Who knows...maybe he's right. I believe things happen for a reason. So maybe I'll just have to wait and see what that reason is. With that slightly profound statement, I will leave to do a very mundane task...the dishes. Bye everyone and have a great day.