Posted on December 1st 2008, 1:30 am
I spent yesterday visiting my best friend at his parents' house on Little Elkhart Lake. I had an interesting observation between yesterday and today. So far, my emotions have been on a bit of wave. For most of Saturday, I was ok. I was distracted. I let myself have fun. I didn't cry at all. However, around noon on Sunday, that all changed again.
Once we got to lunch, I found myself staring off into space. Memories popping up. Thinking about things that won't be ever again. Having realizations that only the perfect vision of hindsight can give. On several occasions, I found myself almost in tears.
It started snowing about the time it was that I had to leave. The drive home was hypnotic. I was in no particular hurry to get home, but at the same time, I had no desire to stay where I was. I felt as if I was driving to get away from myself. There was no music and no phone calls. There was just silence and the sounds of the road. Me and my thoughts.
When I got home, I felt like doing nothing. Much like Friday morning, I wanted to just sit and stare at a blank television screen. I forced myself to watch a movie and eat something. While the movie was on, I was not here. My pain did not exist, and my life was the window into the story. Up until a gay woman talked about her happiness with her partner, I was happy to be existing in the film world. I cried after that, and reality came back in.
I've been considering taking a vow of silence for a month. I'm not quite sure how it will work, but I think it might teach me to listen better. I would have to speak at work, and there are certain people that would not respect my vow. I think I would make those exceptions. I'll be considering it for a while before undertaking it. Maybe its just me being melodramatic too. I don't know. In any case, if anyone is reading this, please sound off your opinions in the comments.
Posted on November 29th 2008, 6:48 pm
I woke up this morning after several stress dreams. I frequently have a dream that I'm still in college and somehow I have skipped a course most of the semester. I decide to show up this particular day and I have a giant test, or some major homework is due, or even worse, its the final exam. I always panic in the dream and yell at myself for not showing up to class. Upon waking up, I actually found myself wanting to immediately get back to sleep to return to the dream because I preferred it to the reality I faced.
I also found myself missing college. I was thinking about this a lot yesterday. When I was in school, I was lonely. I never dated. I never really went out. I was too damn busy. My strategy was that if I was always busy and doing stuff, I wouldn't feel so lonely. I wouldn't worry about love and whatnot. It actually worked, and I also felt incredibly productive. Really, that's how I was as successful in school as I was. I made a huge difference in the LGBT population. I couldn't have done that if I had love then. So I find myself now wanting to make my life busy busy busy figuring that it'll help me ignore everything.
Also, last night I thought about my spirituality. I feel like I'm missing something. In college, before I got kicked out, I went to church. Then afterwards there was spiritual night. I felt so connected then. Now I feel separate. I know that it's just the perception of separateness that creates it, but right now after heartbreak, I guess I can't help it. So I decided to look up Buddhist temples in Milwaukee. Thankfully, there's one right down the street. Starting Tuesday night, I think I'm going to go. I want to make it a regular thing. I figure that if I need to learn to listen, I should start with myself.
In the meantime, I went out last night with my family to the Milwaukee Mitchell Park Domes to see the light show. I took a bunch of photos, and I posted them on my facebook account. Here are a few examples to leave this post with:
Posted on November 28th 2008, 7:09 pm
Thanksgiving is a time for family and friends. For me...Thanksgiving was the end of a relationship. My girlfriend...or ex-girlfriend rather...broke up with me late last night. Today I'm a swarm of emotions. Above all, I feel alone. I know that my family is there for me, my best friend is there for me, and quite a few of my other friends are there for me too. Still...you know how it is after a breakup. It hurts.
Learning about your faults is hard. Learning about them in this environment is even harder. I found out that I have an ego problem. I find it ironic since I recently got into an argument with a friend about his ego being too puffed up, and here I am talking about myself so much. It's also ironic that I do so in a blog where talking about one's experiences seems the purpose of the blog. No...what truly hurt me is that she wasn't willing to work with me on it.
I love Jenn. I probably always will. I was caught completely unaware of the situation, and now I'm reeling. It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and I'm still in my pjs.
What I learned about myself is that I need to listen more. I am a proud person. I talk about my experiences with that pride beaming. I never once gave thought to the fact that people don't want nor do they need to hear about me that much. In fact, I barely even noticed. How humbled I feel to know that Jenn, Chris, my parents, and my sisters all felt the same way.
Something tells me that this will change me drastically. I'll keep a lot to myself now. I think I will likely use this medium to get my experiences out. Maybe then, I won't feel the need to blab about myself so much to my friends and family.
Perhaps this will truly inspire me to do something. Maybe it already has. I started writing a blog again. That's something.
That's the inspiration of loss. I love you Jenn and thank you to all my friends and family that have shown me support today.
Posted on June 14th 2007, 6:36 am
Yeah, I know...I've been gone a long time. I've been pretty caught up in my job and the documentary. Things are going well. I'll write an update to give you all the details within the next three days. I can give you a teaser so you will be sure to come back. Single, Apartment, and big thoughts. Tune in soon for a large update.
Posted on April 26th 2007, 11:40 pm
With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself
very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster
to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members
and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my
transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've
also had to confront my own prejudices. And now... I find myself thinking "What
am I doing here?"
Why am I working for a realty support company writing home
show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing
that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly
more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to
be heard...that can truly help people understand gender and understand
themselves. Why am I not doing that?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of
ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various
creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So...without my current
level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't
so, but it is.
So that leads me to my next thought...is there a way of doing what
needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if
my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on
the verge of starting could sell. But...the problem is that I won't see any of
that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?