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Thanksgiving is a time for family and friends.  For me...Thanksgiving was the end of a relationship.  My girlfriend...or ex-girlfriend rather...broke up with me late last night.  Today I'm a swarm of emotions.  Above all, I feel alone. I know that my family is there for me, my best friend is there for me, and quite a few of my other friends are there for me too. Still...you know how it is after a breakup.  It hurts.

Learning about your faults is hard.  Learning about them in this environment is even harder.  I found out that I have an ego problem.  I find it ironic since I recently got into an argument with a friend about his ego being too puffed up, and here I am talking about myself so much.  It's also ironic that I do so in a blog where talking about one's experiences seems the purpose of the blog.  No...what truly hurt me is that she wasn't willing to work with me on it.

I love Jenn.  I probably always will.  I was caught completely unaware of the situation, and now I'm reeling.  It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and I'm still in my pjs.

What I learned about myself is that I need to listen more.  I am a proud person. I talk about my experiences with that pride beaming.  I never once gave thought to the fact that people don't want nor do they need to hear about me that much.  In fact, I barely even noticed.  How humbled I feel to know that Jenn, Chris, my parents, and my sisters all felt the same way.

Something tells me that this will change me drastically.  I'll keep a lot to myself now.  I think I will likely use this medium to get my experiences out.  Maybe then, I won't feel the need to blab about myself so much to my friends and family.

Perhaps this will truly inspire me to do something.  Maybe it already has.  I started writing a blog again.  That's something.

That's the inspiration of loss. I love you Jenn and thank you to all my friends and family that have shown me support today.

Hey all,

Yeah, I know...I've been gone a long time. I've been pretty caught up in my job and the documentary. Things are going well. I'll write an update to give you all the details within the next three days. I can give you a teaser so you will be sure to come back. Single, Apartment, and big thoughts. Tune in soon for a large update.

~Jess

With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself

very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster

to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members

and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my

transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've

also had to confront my own prejudices. And now... I find myself thinking "What

am I doing here?"

Why am I working for a realty support company writing home

show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing

that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly

more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to

be heard...that can truly help people understand gender and understand

themselves. Why am I not doing that?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of

ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various

creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So...without my current

level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't

so, but it is.

So that leads me to my next thought...is there a way of doing what

needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if

my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on

the verge of starting could sell. But...the problem is that I won't see any of

that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?

Hooray! My computer is functioning again!! Now all I need to do is get the like-new laptop working! More on this later. For now it's sleepy time. :) G'night.

~Jess

The working world is fun, exciting, and mundane. I'm enjoying it so far. I think the time will come when I don't enjoy it so much, but right now I'm just happy to be employed. It's really nice to not have to worry about income so much anymore. Though, my parents keep throwing things at me that they think I should pay for. For example, they want me to sign for some life insurance, they think I should enroll in 401k too. All of these things are important, but my income per month drops effectively because of it. I am quickly seeing my monthly income move from ok to...hmmm...where'd my money go? I'm more concerned right now with paying my debt off than I am about my retirement.

Speaking of the life insurance policy, here's a little of trans related frustration. I have certain medical conditions that make life insurance difficult to get. For example, I have a kidney problem that is often not allowable under the companies out there. So finding any sort of coverage is difficult at best. They also don't like me being trans. Finally a plan was found that will cover me, but only under my birth sex. I looked at the information today, and every time I looked at the "Male" printed at the top, I got angry.

In the state I live in, my birth certificate can, and has already been changed to reflect my current gender. Social security says the same as my birth certificate. Legally in all respects I am considered female. So I don't understand how they can say I can't for the life of me understand how they can claim my birth sex as male, when all legal documents say otherwise. Furthermore, would a black person be willing to sign for a policy if it the insurer stated that they have to be insured as a white person? I mean really...I view this as discrimination in the insurance world. I don't think I'll take the policy because of it. It's a lack of respect for me and my community, and it's plain bullshit. I refuse to be called later on in life saying "This is so and so from such and such life insurance, can I please speak to Mr. Anderson?" and me having to go...this is HER!!!!! Fucking insurance company...

Let's see...other news...ah yes, one of the reaons I haven't gotten very far on fixing the site's problems is because of work exhaustion. I get home at 6:00 pmish and I just feel tanked as far as my energy goes. I get nothing done, including writing entries in here. I'm hoping that changes soon, but considering my parents energy... I doubt it will. So we'll see. I used to do so much, and I am going to make sure I can continue to do a lot.

One of my coworkers, Mikie, wants to make a film. I'm all upons that. I am looking to buy a several thousand dollar camera this summer to make said film. We're not sure exactly what the film will be about, but it'll be a fun project regardless. I'm looking forward to it, and to buying the camera. It may be expensive, but it'll be loads of fun to use all the time.

So far I've come out to three coworkers about my sexual orientation. One of those knows about my gender identity and such. It's kinda weird not having coworkers know. I'm not used to being "Stealth", and I'm not really interested in being stealth either. That being said, it hasn't come up. If it does come up, I'll be very open about it. No one's asked though. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all posted.

One of the things I'm contemplating doing for this site is a video podcast on a weekly basis. I think I want to discuss some issues of gender and talk about other gendered people. I think I'll view each week as a documentary of sorts. Chris and I want to do a full length documentary. I think that'll be a year long project too. I'm looking forward to that for sure.

Speaking of Chris, we've declared March 24th to be Blarthog. Blarthog is the Tamaranian festival of friendship. If anyone is a fan of Teen Titans, you'll know about this holiday. Starfire is an alien from the planet Tamaran. We're geeks...we know. It'll be fun though. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm making a three day weekend out of it. I'll post more about it with pictures and such later.

Well, it's shower time. I'll write more perhaps tomorrow, or hopefully later in the week. I had more to write, but I can't remember it right now. When it comes to me, I'll write more. See ya.

~J