I went to a wedding on Saturday night despite being sick. It turned out to be a lot of fun. I made some cool friends, and ate some good food. I didn't really dance because I was just too tired from being sick and being on meds. I totally would have had I not been sick though. Kevin, the guy who asked me to come, even asked me to dance, but I was practically passed out when he did. I ended up getting a ride home early because I was just wiped out. I still enjoyed the time that I spent there though.

I knew I would think about being single and stuff during the ceremony. I think about that too much. But, with what happened...or should I say hasn't happened with Jill, I guess it's no surprise. She still hasn't said anything to me. It's been a whole week. By now, I've already decided that she's not worth my time. I've given her a lot of chances, and she gets no more. She obviously doesn't want to be with me, and I'm sick of letting her pull me along like that. She never gave me a reason to trust her. So, yeah, I thought about that during the wedding ceremony as well as the fact that I can't legally marry whichever woman I fall in love with. Very depressing thoughts. At least I had some charming friends to lift my spirits.

It was my first night in a skirt since SRS. I haven't seen the sun much at all, particularly my legs. So, hence the title of this diary entry...pasty white. I was wearing a black skirt, so they contrasted a lot. I didn't really care all that much though. Here's a picture of me kinda sorta dancing with Kevin. You can't see my legs though. Despite being sick, I look pretty good.

<%popup(20040912-dancing.jpg|606|605|Click here to see Jess Dancing with Kevin)%>

Today was the first meeting at the TV studio. It went well, but due to me still being sick, I didn't cover all that I could have. My mind wasn't really there tonight. I also felt bad because one of the girls I hired thought she was getting a news reporter position. When she found out she was production, she seemed rather disappointed. I mainly feel bad because news wanted her too, but she applied for both jobs. I liked her enthusiasm and she seemed to want production when she talked to me. I'm just worried that they will all think I hired her because she's very attractive, which is definitely not the case. She showed so much more interest and excitement about working there that she really stood out among the other applicants. I actually hired more guys than girls because I wanted people who were really interested.

Aside from all that, I slept half of the weekend. 12 hours Friday to Saturday and another 12 hours Saturday to Sunday. I figured sleep is one of the best things for colds, and I was tired anyway. I did nothing as far as school goes. Didn't touch my homework. I doubt I could have focused to read anyway. All my homework has been reading textbooks. I hate reading text books. They put me to sleep, and since I was already tired, we can see where that would have gone. I did manage to finish watching the first season of Buffy the Vampire slayer though. It's the perfect length for doing dilations. It's also a very fun show. I like it. Anyway, again, it's time for bed. I'm really tired and need enough sleep. I'll write more soon.

Luv,

Jess

I caught a cold. I had no clue I did until just this morning when I woke up with a sore throat. I hoped I had just been breathing through my mouth and my room was dry or something, but it never went away. Now it's close to 11:00 at night, and I'm starting to blow my nose. I can just tell this is going to suck. I just hope I'm not extremely nasal on Wednesday or Friday because, I have to give a speech in my speech class. I'm so excited about it too, and I hope that it's not ruined by my cold. Ugh...

I'm sorry I haven't been updating regularly. Over the majority of August, I didn't have reliable internet access at my parents house. I'm trying to catch up and post my diary entries from the month. I'm sure people are interested in how the surgery went and what recovery was like. So that should be up soon. I just have to find some time. Now that school has started, I'm so busy I can barely find time to eat something. I'm hoping to get those entries up sometime this weekend. Watch for them if you're interested.

School has been very busy, but exciting. I have fifteen credits as well as a lot of other stuff on my plate. Last night I hired five people to work in the production department at the TV studio. That was the first time I've hired someone ever, and it was hard. I had something like 25 applicants. Everyone was enthusiastic. So it was hard to pick. I felt so bad calling up the people to tell them no. It was a good experience for me though at least for my career. I am likely going to have to do that more often in the future.

My gender studies class has been fun so far. I've made friends with the professor. She's a lesbian, and very cool at that. We're going to work together on a lot of things. I'm excited for that. My other classes are very interesting and very much my speed. One of them, Interpersonal Communication, could be very good, but the professor is just so dull in his teaching. I think I'll do well in all my classes though. I'm shooting for the dean's list again.

I didn't realize how much I missed the kids at the youth group until I came back. I was so excited to see all of them again. It was great. I love volunteering. I've also started to become better friends with Erin, another volunteer in the group. She's really cool. I think we get along really well. I hope we get to hang out more often. She's been giving me advice on Jill.

So...Jill....might as well move onto her. I talked to her last weekend. After I got home from the party and the bars (yes, you heard that right. I went to a goodbye party and out to the bars with my TV station friends afterwards. No, I didn't drink. And yes, it was fun), it was about 3:00 am. Jill had left me a message, so I replied. She was still online and we talked for about an hour. She was as flirtatious if not more than the first day we met. She asked me to stand back so she could see how I looked ( I have a webcam). So I did that, and she really liked it. She even commented on how she was flirting too much. I was a little overwhelmed actually.

So, Sunday night came around, and we talked for two hours. This time, we had a heart to heart about stuff. She asked me why I still had doubts about her. I ended up thinking about that for a few days, but regardless, she understood. There was one point in which I told her that she can always expect honesty from me. She said that if I hadn't, that we wouldn't be the friends we are. I immediately though...ugh, the f word. She then said, "No, I'm not giving you the f word either". It was like she read my mind. After that I made a comment how we are just friends. We aren't dating or anything. She responded to that...well, not yet. So, she seems to want a relationship. She said she'd talk to me on Monday.

Monday came and she never came online, nor did she the rest of the week. On Wednesday, I figured out the full answer to her question about my doubts. I decided to e-mail her and tell her. Basically, I'm waiting for her to give me a reason to trust her. She wont tell me her last name, she wont turn her webcam on, she wont call me...etc. I want some sign that says "You can trust me". I doubt she's checked her e-mail yet. I haven't seen her online at all. No offline messages either. So, we'll see what happens. Erin tells me I should just drop her and move on. At this point I think there's a good chance she's just wasting my time, but I don't want to believe it just yet. I'll give her one last chance. I just can't afford to focus so much energy on worrying whether there's something between her and I or not. Feel free to comment with your opinions on what I should do.

Well, I think this post is long enough. I need to get some sleep too. I'll write more this weekend. Good night.

Luv,

Jess

The last day finally arrived. Again, Dr. Schrang was later than usual, but not as late as Monday. It was about 10 am when he finally came in. I made sure that he took care of my roommate first. She had been waiting for a whole week, and it was her turn. I was ok with waiting. All he had to do for me was remove the vaginal packing. One thing I have to say about Dr. Schrang is that he has the bedside manner of a car salesman. He doesn't beat around the bush. He just goes at it. He also likes to sell you on it while he's doing it. When he pulled out the catheter and such, he was saying "You're going to have a great result...great result" the whole time. Tuesday wasn't much different.

He basically just grabbed the external end of the gauze packing and started pulling. Talk about your strange feelings...again, my eyes went wide, particularly when the gauze caught on a stitch. I felt like a clown car. I could see the gauze as he was pulling it, and it just kept coming. After it was finally all out, it was time for my first dilation. He showed me how to do it, which again, was a strange feeling. He started with a smaller one and moved up to a larger one. I then had to sit there for a half hour applying constant pressure inwards and downwards. Apparently I'll lose what I have if I don't do that.

I remember when the dilators came in the mail. I looked at them and saw the big one. I just remember thinking "I'm never going to be using that one, it's just too big." Turns out Dr. Schrang wants me to move up to that one. That surprised me. Once I was dilating, he left. My parents arrived at the beginning of all that and walked in while I was covered with a sheet during my dilating. That was a bit uncomfortable. Then, about five minutes later, my best friend Seth and his girlfriend Hannah arrived. They walked in, realized what I was doing, got uncomfortable and decided to wait outside with my parents. I was grateful.

Finally after the half hour, I was done. I cleaned up, put my clothes on, and got to go home. On the way, Seth and Hannah went with my parents and I to Perkins for some decent food. The waitresses saw I was from the hospital and gave me a free cookie. After that, we all headed home. It was so nice to be in a familiar place again. I spent most of my day dilating, since I had to do it 6 times a day at least. We also went to the store to get maxi pads and some prescriptions. By then I was exhausted again. Just being up and about was very tiring. We ordered pizza for dinner that night, and I went to bed early. It was very hard to sleep in my bed, because the home instructions dictated that I had to sleep elevated on several pillows and on my back. It was not comfortable and I woke up a lot. There was also a lot of bleeding. So, it was just difficult. Eventually that changed though...That's it for the hospital. Now we move on to the recovery.

Luv,

Jess

Day 7 was really really dull. My parents came to visit and I got a call from Beth, my friend who teaches at the local high school and runs the queer group. It was nice to hear from her, especially when I was so bored. Aside from that, the day was uneventful.

Monday finally came. I was so excited. I woke up around 7:00 or so. The nurses informed me that the doctor is usually there fairly early in the morning. So, I was patient and waited. Eventually I decided I was sick of waiting and ordered breakfast. That came, I ate a little of it, and continued waiting. The nurses were surprised he didn't come yet. Usually he's not that late. But, we also figured out that he was about to go on vacation and had no new patients. So he eventually showed up around noon.

Before he actually came in the room, the nurse removed the water from the catheter bubble. The inflated bubble is what holds the catheter in securely. So, after she did that, there was some major discomfort from the tube that was now freely sitting in my urethra. Finally Dr. Schrang came in. Instead of removing the catheter right away, he decided to take off the tape that was holding my boobs in place. It was like a corset, only made out of duct tape. The thing is..."took off" is not the phrasing for it. "Ripped off" is a better choice. It hurt like hell. After that he took the catheter out and the drains and removed the big gauze roll. All I can say is that my eyes were wide throughout this entire process. The only thing that I remember that sticks out in my mind is Dr. Schrang saying "If you can't control your bladder, we'll put a temporary catheter back in." I just thought to myself "I'll be able to pee....no matter what". Turns out, I had no problem with controlling my bladder. No more bedpan for me.

Anyway, after that, they got me out of bed. It was slow going getting up, and it was astonishing how much stronger gravity felt than it used to. I was able to walk about half way down the hall before I was too tired to go any further. I turned around, and pretty much passed out for an hour or so. Finally I had the energy again to try to walk again. This time I walked all the way down the hallway. I sat and looked at the helicopter for a while. Amazingly, just sitting was tiring. After about 15 minutes, someone came to check on me. I was practically asleep in the chair. So we went back to the room and I took a nap.

After the nap, I felt up to taking a shower. So I did. It was probably the most exhausting shower I've ever taken. I washed my hair three times. By the time I finished, I didn't have the energy to dry off. I had to sit there on a chair and try to slowly dry myself off and get dressed. Eventually I made it back to my room and again passed out for a while. A while later, I had dinner and just felt so energetic. The rest of the night I spent walking around the hospital. I felt great. When my parents came, they were amazed. I also got to visit the girl that was down the hall. Her name is Kate. She was a little older than me, but very down to earth. She seemed very cool. We talked for a little while. It was good to get away from my roommate. I also talked with my two cool nurses that night, Melissa and Anna. Anna gave me twizzlers. That was great.

I slept pretty well that night. I was still excited for going home the next day. Up to that point, everyone has said my results are great. There's no visible bruising, which is rare. That made me happy. I was just looking forward to when my strength is back and I'm healed. The pain hadn't been bad, but it would still be nice when the pain is gone for good. Almost time to go home...

Luv,

Jess

Today was a loooong day. No visitors and only two phone calls. Lauren checked in on me, which is good. The first time she called was the day of surgery and I wasn't really capable of talking. My first memory of the day was a crappy one though. Each day of the week I woke up and watched the nurse rip the previous day off the calendar. On Saturday morning, the nurse did that and I saw that it said "Aug 7/8" meaning I would have to look at that the whole weekend. It was just a reminder of how long the weekend actually was, since on Monday I was going to be able to get out of bed finally. I was stir crazy by Saturday afternoon.

My roommate was going through a rough time. She was 51 and came from a pentecostal christian househole. She found out that her wife of 29 years wanted a divorce now that she went through with SRS. She cried a lot and I really didn't know what to do for her. I do know that it is partially her fault. She didn't get the Harry Benjamin required therapy. She aparently went to one doc once and got her letters for SRS. She also had this notion that everyone was just going to accept it and be happy about it. Her bubble was effectively popped. I think if she had gone through the required therapy, she may have handled things differently. Things may have worked out better. She also seemed more focused on shaking her hips and being pretty than she was about just being a woman. I think it was a big possibility that she made a mistake. I really hope things work out for her.

One more full day before the catheter comes out...that's all I could think about. At least I slept ok that night. The past few nights before my kidneys had been aching like crazy. The ibuprophen seemed to help a lot. I was thankful. I like sleep.

Jill had yet to visit or call. I wasn't really expecting her to though. From past experience, I just didn't expect she'd be comfortable with seeing me. I wasn't sure I would be comfortable with seeing her either. The hospital is not the best place to meet people. I looked like hell since I hadn't had a shower in so long. There were things in my hair, and it was just bad. If she did visit or call, it would have to have been Sunday or Monday since Tuesday I got discharged.

The best part of Saturday had to have been watching Justice League Unlimited. My roommate was asleep or using her computer or something. So the TV was all mine. I loved it. I can't get enough superheroes. It really brought me back to reality too. I needed the memory of being some place other than the hospital. I also got to see my favorite heroine, Wonder Woman. :) I'm such a dork. Damn proud of it too. That was pretty much it for Saturday though.

Luv,

Jess