I had a realization at the end of my work day today.  My numbness, my crying, my lack of motivation, trouble getting to sleep lately, trouble waking up...all symptoms of depression.  It's the first time in a long time I've had to face it.  My life so quickly spiraled downhill that I don't think I had much time to react.  I think I emotionally crawled into a cave, and I'm still trying to figure out whether I want to come back out.  I'm not sure what to do to move forward as it all seems to cost money.  I feel so stuck.  I feel so sad.

Today at work I sat staring at my computer screen thinking...I hate this place.  I hate what I do.  I'm depressed about it, about life, and about money.  I want out.  Ever since I visited the Transgender Suicide Memorial and Transgender Resource Center in Second Life, I've had a resurgence of interest in getting back into the trans activism role I'm meant for.  I absolutely am in dire need of a life change.  I just don't know how to go about doing it, or where to go with my life.

I've been thinking about starting up a non-profit. I've always dreamed of creating a half way house for runaway trans youth.  I want to start a charity for the disenfranchised trans community, which is a large amount of people.  I want to monitor and criticize the media in regards to gender, and I want to conduct research on gender in society.  I want to speak about gender issues, write a book, and get this documentary finished.  These are all my goals.  I need to point myself in that path.  As much as I love video, I've realized lately that I'm a better story teller than I am a shooter, editor, and motion graphic artist.  Sure, I can take a picture and get a good looking shot on video, but it's not good enough to get me a decent job in this field. Plus, we're all so drastically underpaid.  Why are artists so devalued? I've never understood that.

The other thing is that I'm lonely.  I miss being around friends regularly.  Don't get me wrong.  I have friends in Milwaukee.  Unfortunately though, many of the closer ones are hermits.  The other ones live far enough away that it's not convenient to hang out regularly.  And well...I don't spend a lot of time with my family.  My sisters and I aren't the closest.  I love them, but we just don't get along as well as we could.  Maybe I need to move to a place where I feel like I'm closer to friends I see all the time, like Chris, Sarah, Audrey, and all those other wonderful people up in the Chippewa valley.  I don't want to move back to Eau Claire, despite the lower cost of living.  I would like to move to the Twin Cities.  The last time I was there, I was impressed by the town.  I spent a lot of time there when I went to visit Audrey and when I was dating Lindsey.  I know there's a larger video community if I did want to get into that.  I also know the state of Minnesota protects transgender rights in employment.  Maybe its the right place for me.  Maybe I'll be happy with what I do then.  Maybe I'll get my motivation, energy, and desire to be proactive back.  I haven't had it in a while.

I do realize I'll have to find a job as non-profits are hard to get started.  I don't know where my funding will come from, but it's a good goal.  What do you think?

That's what I said this morning when I woke up.  My kitten often hops up on my bed at or around 4:00 am.  Last night she stunk.  I thought nothing of it since she farts and stinks up the place a lot.  When I woke up, there were small stains on my down comforter.  Ever since she had her cone put on from the surgery, she hasn't been keeping her bottom clean.  It was understandable while she had the cone on.  It was impossible for her to reach that area.  Now, however, it's off.  So you'd think she'd have no trouble.  Not sure what to do about that.  I scrubbed all the stains off, and I plan on throwing it in the washing machine asap.

Today after work, I hopped in the car to head to my electrolysis appointment.  The first thought was...I don't have anyone to talk to as I make this drive.  That sucks.  I listened to NPR as I drove, but that usually was the time that I would call my girlfriend.  It seemed a lot longer and more lonely.

The good news is that my electrolysis appointments are taking less and less time to clear the target areas.  We can clear my face, chest, and stomach in about 35 minutes now.  So we've started adding in other areas.  Now we're shaping and clearing my eyebrows.  I figure I am driving an hour to get there and another to get home.  I might as well spend the entire hour there and clear up areas that would be nice too.

My Dad went over his offered insurance policy tonight, and it wasn't bad actually.  I didn't know what to expect, and it's weird seeing my Father trying to sell me something.  I felt bad for him, but at the same time, for once he had a good product.  So maybe this will work out.  He's going to check into business umbrella coverage for me since I'll need it.  Otherwise, it's pretty close to what I pay now with better coverage.

Oh, I did a good deed today, though some would call it controversial.  A homeless black man was approaching people at the gas station to pump their gas for loose change.  I said no, but felt bad for him.  He looked like things were rough for him.  I decided to give him the $2 I had in my wallet.  I figured its the Holidays, we just had a huge storm, and fuck...I mean I could lose my job and be in his position soon too.  I'd hope people would be nice to me too. Anyway, the gas station owner yelled at me for it.  What a jerk.  I understand his perspective.  I know he'll come back and bug people, but I couldn't on good conscious not help.

What do you think?

I've been having a huge problem getting motivated to do important work.  I have a plan now though.  I've already cleaned my apartment. My desk is spotless.  All I have to do now is just get started.  So I'm going to open up Adobe Illustrator and keep my notes here so that when I get back to it in the next day, or most likely Thursday, I can just get moving. I've put it off too long.

I was asked today to help with a project for children.  So that could be really great. It involves residuals.  So I can't complain about that.  We'll see what happens with it.  The hard part is that there's no money up front.  So it all depends on my schedule with freelance at the time.j

As far as motivation goes, I need to figure out what to do to get moving on my transgender related projects.  I have a book to write, a website to redo, another website to get moving, a film to write a treatment for, video to edit, and a business to get moving.  If I am to be the person I need to be in order to make a difference in the trans world and the rest of the world, I need to get my ass in gear.  I think I will take a couple days a week for goofing off, and the rest of the days will be work days.

How about this? My New Years Resolution is to get all of these projects done in the next year.  I will write up a plan for meeting these goals and figure out what to do.  I'll make this happen. I have to. Please sound encouragement in the comments if you can.  Thanks.

Here's that ice sculpture pic I wanted to share. In the meantime, I didn't get much done tonight.  I got my letter from the insurance company telling me exactly what I expected from them.  They apparently have no record of their own worker telling me that the colonoscopy was covered 100 percent.  Even though another one of their own employees told me to appeal it because she could see I was quoted wrong. So...yay. I get to pay a grand in medical bills.  Combined with the news of the lay offs and the lack of news on the job front, I had a fabulous monday. Tomorrow is another day. Speaking of which, it's bedtime. Enjoy the pics. :)