Posted on June 10th 2005, 7:19 am
That's from a song....it's from Cowboy Bebop. Those of you who are geeks may know it. It really fits my mood tonight.
I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours
Mother Used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
Bet mother never danced through fire shower
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong
I don't hear a sound
Silent faces in the ground
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen
If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Am I right or am I wrong
and is it here that I belong
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Why do I feel so alone
For some reason I think of home
That song has always struck a chord with me...no pun intended. That song and "Death of the First Born" from the Prince of Egypt... I don't know why. I just have a thing for sad songs. I'm really introspective and somewhat down tonight. I've been kinda the past couple days. I'm not sure if it's because of what's been on my mind, the weather, just a natural downpoint, boredom...or what. It's just been kind of annoying.
Ray and I have been talking. She's been calling me when she needs to vent about her ex. I feel honored that she would do that. At the same time, it's been kind of weird for me. I know we both have feelings for each other. I don't want to come off as trying to manipulate her because I like her and want her to be single, because that's not at all what I am doing. I'm trying to be a friend and ignore my feelings why I listen and give advice. Holy shit is it hard to do, but I think I've done ok so far. I focus on her feelings and just try to help her sort through things. If I can't do that I try to serve as an open ear.
The problem with that is...sometimes I don't have a clue what to say. Because of that I've found myself feeling very nervous when she calls. I want to be there for her and don't know what to say to help her. I don't want her to think I'm just not talkative or anything. It's just weird. I'm doing my best, and I guess that's all I can do.
I think my financial situation is affecting my mood too. I have $1.25 to make it through the next week. I'm not kidding either. That's literally all that I have. I'm going to be pretty darn hungry over the next week. I don't have much more than breakfast cereal in my apartment right now. I hate bumming money off my friends, so I'm not asking them. Once friday hits...I should be great. I'll get my first paycheck working fulltime. It'll be tough though.
Anyway, that's where I am right now. I think I'm going to get some sleep and hopefully feel a little better in the morning. G'night.
Posted on June 5th 2005, 10:32 am
To keep people flocking to my diary, I try to lead an interesting life. That, of course, is the sole reason too. You know...I just want to see the hits go up and up. Each week I have to top the last. It's quite the challenge really. Seriously though, do I live an exciting life? Or is it just typical and mundane? I know I can't answer that. Tonight I found myself with many questions that I couldn't answer. So...here's the story.
A little over two weeks ago, I got an IM from a friend who just moved away. She told me that before she left, she met this really hot lesbian girl that she was training in at work. This girl was asking about me. Since my friend had moved away, she couldn't set up a meeting between the two of us. Regardless, she told me the girl's name, Rachel, and I poked her on facebook. About five days later, I got a poke back, and we started talking. In another few days we met, and we really clicked. She's totally adorable. I really found myself attracted to her.
That's where we get into the problem. My friend told me that Rachel was single. In the time between my friend telling me about her and me meeting her, she got back together with her girlfriend. That's pretty par for the course for me. Anyone who's been following my diary for the past few years already knows I tend to meet and fall for the taken girls or the straight girls. This time it was slightly different in that I got the "I like you too" vibe back from her. All signals pointed to it. Yet she was also showing me pictures of her girlfriend and telling me about her all the time. Total mixed signals....again pretty standard for me.
So we began our friendship and have spent a lot of time together this week. We ran together, watched 24 season one together, ate ice cream together, and so on. It's been cool getting to know her. I continue to get that vibe....and I try to shake it off. Tonight, her girlfriend came into town, and we all went out. She was a little drunk...but other than that, things were cool. Then, she and I had a talk... She confessed that she had a crush on me, but she's in love with her girlfriend. My feelings were right on I guess. She told me that her love is what comes first, and I totally understand that. I told her that she doesn't have to worry. I'm not going to let anything happen between us. I like our friendship, and I don't want that to end.
I ended up not feeling so hot, and went home for about 20 minutes. I used that time wisely and gave myself some air. I feel fine now, so I'm assuming it's all the smoke in the place that was getting to me. Regardless, I think it helped me. After hearing that, I knew it was a good idea to keep my distance. I really don't want to be that girl that causes a breakup. I felt it was good to keep my distance from her especially tonight when she was slightly drunk. She had grabbed my hand earlier and was also dancing with me really close. I personally liked it, but knew it wasn't the best idea. I didn't want to start speculation with her girlfriend and cause a fight or anything.
So I came back, and went in for about ten more minutes. My headache was just getting enhanced again by the smoke and the loud music wasn't helping. So I went out and sat outside. Turns out Rachel and her girlfriend were fighting regardless of me being there. I wish I could help. I want Rachel to be happy regardless of who she's with. She's my friend. Plus, I'm a helper and a healer. It's what I do. In this case though, I'm doing all that I can I think.
Anyway, I didn't stick around too much after I went outside. I was feeling incredibly introspective. It's been a strange night. I said bye to my friends and started walking home. On my way I realized that I don't really know how I feel about this whole thing. I felt like I wanted to cry, and yet I didn't. I felt upset, and yet composed. I felt confused and yet very clear. All in all, I had no idea how I felt. I still don't. Lauren said something to me the other day. It had something to do with a pattern she has seen in me. How I tend to really want to be in a relationship and then decide that I don't want to a month or so later. I think I simultaneously want and don't want a relationship.
Here are some of the questions that were going through my head:
Why am I so afraid of dancing? I can stand up to an entire community because of who I am, and yet, I can't dance in a bar...
Why do I want to be with someone?
Why do I not want to be with someone?
Am I supposed to be alone?
Am I as attractive as I keep being told I am?
Why won't I believe it when they tell me that?
What do you say to "You are fucking gorgeous"?
Have I been single so long that I'm afraid to be in a relationship?
Am I just anti-social?
Why is this Blue Man Group rhythm still stuck in my head? at least it's a cool rhythm
I called Kevin and left him a message telling him what happened. I ran into him on my way home and he gave me a hug as he was listening to the message. I almost started crying. I held it in because I was too embarassed to cry right then and there. We went up to my apartment and talked about it, and I almost cried again. I think it might make me feel better, but I'm not sure why I'd be crying. It's incredibly confusing. So, right now...at 4:30 in the morning, I'm unsure. I just don't know. I think I'm going to go cry and get it out before I go to sleep until noon tomorrow. Tomorrow I need to meditate. I need to clear my thoughts and get some new perspective. Maybe I'll go talk to Lisa too. I think spiritual night will be sometime this week.
Anyway, I'll keep ya'll updated on the exciting life of me. Hopefully I'm not disappointing any of you with what's going on. If I am...comment and let me know. I'll consider it constructive criticism. I think I'm getting loopy. Bedtime. Good Night.
Posted on May 28th 2005, 10:54 pm
Yes, I'm alive...barely. The semester is finally over. I managed a 2.87, which normally would disappoint me, but this time I'm quite satisfied with that gpa. It's actually better than I expected. The miniseries really did affect it, but I was thinking there would be more Cs. I got four Bs and only one C. Definitely could have been worse. Amazingly, I got the highest grade in my hardest class. That's pretty cool in my book. I got a B+ in Communication Research Methods. Go me.
The miniseries didn't finish up as nicely as planned. In fact, it's actually not finished at all yet. We have the last episode to cut together. I had hoped to have it done weeks ago, but the weather did not cooperate with us. Every shoot we had was on a shitty weather day. It started raining a few times. Eventually we got everything shot during finals week. Sad that we had to do it then, but such is life I guess. Overall I'm pretty happy with it though. We had a lot of fun and told a cool story. We'll run a marathon next year of the whole series.
My summer jobs were in question up until about a week and a half ago. I for sure had my TV station job for 20 hours a week. I didn't have anything to fill up the other 20 though. I had a meeting with my boss for the TV job, and it turned out they needed a web designer for the housing department. I said I could do it, and she hired me on the spot. There's my other 20 hours. Not only that, it pays better than the TV station job. Kick ass!! So I've been doing that this past week. I like it. Neither job has specified hours. So I get to pick when I want to work. I used this week as recovery time and slept in just about every day. I'm not going to do that all summer, but I needed it this week.
The cool thing that happened this past week was the last minute trip I got to take. Yeah, that's right...Jess got a vacation of sorts. I was personally invited to the National Conference on Gender in Washington D.C. I didn't think I would be able to go because of flight costs, but turns out the diversity office offered to pay for it. So I got to go on this trip pretty much for free. How cool is that? It ran from Thursday, May 19th to the 22nd. I had a great time, learned a lot, taught a lot of people about transgender, and even almost hooked up with someone. She got really drunk on Saturday night and started flirting with someone else though. So I just left. That's not something I care to deal with.
Riki Wilchins, the president of GenderPAC was there and I got to meet her. She was talking about how the organization doesn't have enough money to moderate the messages about gender that are sent in the media. I felt compelled to pledge to her that money in 10 years. I'm a fool. I can barely feed myself and I'm pledging 30 million dollars. I'm crazy. Still, I think it'll be possible and it's definitely a good cause.
I met a lot of really cool people though. I have pictures and I might post them. I'm not sure. I'd have to ask permission first. There were people from several countries there too. I met Emma from the UK. She was really cool. I need to e-mail her back to say hi. There was also Nikki from California I think, Nick from NY, Kelly and Bethany from Pennsylvania, Hat, Shawn, Tong, Min, Neo, and everyone else from Iowa. There were just a whole ton of cool people there. I look forward to next year as well.
Chris moved in next door. That's pretty cool. We have our own apartments, yet we share everything. So it's like we're roommates, but we're not. It works out well for both of us I think. We set up a wireless network to share the internet. That way we save on costs. Now it should only be 20 bucks for the net. Though, the speed is a bit diminished. We may up it. We made cookies last night, and actually we have a food plan in mind. Each week we will try something new with food. We're going to experiment and make something we've never made before and see how it turns out. It should be fun. I'll take pictures.
I saw Star Wars Episode 3 and I think I saw a different movie than everyone else. I thought it was crap. I got enjoyment out of it, but I just think George Lucas can't write at all. The character development was nonexistent. The lines were hideous. Watching Darth Vader yell "Noooooo!!" was probably one of the worst moments in film history. Nevertheless, the action was cool, Ewan MacGregor was cool, the cinematography was cool, and the CG was cool. I just don't think it warrants the ratings it's been getting.
Kevin lent me his Playstation 2 and DDR pads. So I've been playing DDR and getting pretty decent at it. I'm not one of those people that's addicted to it by any means. I play it once every couple nights and am getting fairly good at it, but I don't think I'll ever own it. It's a lot of fun though.
My friend Rachel told me that a coworker of hers...also named Rachel...was asking about me. She's a lesbian, single, and gorgeous. Unfortunately, my friend Rachel is moving to Seattle now that she's graduated. So she wasn't able to set up anything between her and I. So I made use of the fabulous facebook that we just got on campus and sent her a message through there saying she could ask me anything she wants. We'll see what kind of response I get. I'm not expecting anything to be honest. But it's kind of cool to know someone was asking about you...you know?
Speaking of people talking about you, I had electrolysis today. My electrolygist, Hilary, told me that she's been sending out information packets to the potential students. She also is an electrology teacher. Included in the information is a link to my facemorph, which is on my picture page. Apparently someone from Malaysia that was interested in the school called Hilary and told her that she needs to put realistic information in her packet. Yeah, she doesn't think that my picture is of a real transwoman. "But she's so pretty..." is what Hilary told me she said. Hilary just laughed and told her that I am a genuine TG person. The Malaysian woman may still not believe, but she'll be out here for her hands on training and will ge to meet me then. I can set her straight....er....queer....whatever. I just thought that was funny and a confidence builder.
Well, that's it for this immensly long diary entry. Until next time...which should be more often considering I have lots of free time now. Talk at ya soon.
Posted on May 16th 2005, 9:06 pm
Finals have begun, which means that over the course of this week my stress will get exponentially lighter with each day. My last test is on Wednesday at 3:00. I can't wait until it's over. This semester has been the worst ever and it's inches away from being history. Then comes the big weekend for me.
I didn't get to write about this yet, but GenderPAC personally invited me to their National Conference on Gender in Washington D.C. I thought that was pretty cool. Still, it seemed like it was not even remotely a possibility since I don't have the money for it. Thankfully, I got hooked up by the Diversity office. They offered to pay for my flight. My trip for four days to the conference is costing me a grand total of $75. I think that's pretty nice. It's just what I need. I've been wanting a vacation for a few years now. I finally get one, even though it's at a conference. So what, it's away from home. I also get to see my High School friend Paul. That should be fun.
Anyway, I'm going to be on the radio tonight. So I better go take care of my last minute things before then. I have a lot to go turn in. I'll write more soon since I'll have more time. See ya.
Posted on May 1st 2005, 8:27 am
I am very impressed and surprised by the local newspaper. They published my article last weekend. Since then several letters to the editor have been printed. Some of them have been good. Some have not. However, I have been periodically checking online to see what's going on. I noticed something today. Every day my article gets updated so that it's listed as first and current. They aren't printing it in the paper again, but they have been making sure it gets exposure online.
I would have never expected that kind of attitude towards my column at all. Apparently they thought it was well written enough to continually update it so it's seen. I am going to thank them for doing so. They're really helping make a difference here. I was told recently that usually newspaper's attitudes are usually very similar to the surrounding town's environment. This time that may not be the case. Good for them. If you want to read the article, go ahead. It's posted in the "TransLife Diaries" diary.
All of what has happened has definitely affected me though. I constantly have this feeling of fear over my head that something will happen to me because of this. I also am a little nervous for the community. I'm angry that the LGBT community center in the town has done jack shit about this too. I've done what I can for now. But that community center is nothing more than a social place. Many of us are frustrated that they don't actually reach out to the community at all. I'd have to say that I'm a little depressed too.
Yes...I did say depressed. Everyone always tells me how strong I am...brave...courageous...such a leader. Well, this fearless leader of yours is not perfect or fearless by any means. She deals with depression and loneliness. She has to put up with crap like this newspaper. She still struggles with body image issues. She has even been struggling in areas she normally doesn't...like school. My grades are not going to be pretty this semester. Not the most common for someone people would call a leader.
Anyway, I'm not saying this to make people worry. So please don't call me to make sure I'm ok. I will be fine. It'll be rough going for about three weeks. School will end and I'll be in a better, more relaxed and well rested place. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, I might be a little down and out. Please send me some of your good energy if you can spare any. I'm going to need it. Thank you everyone.