Posted on October 14th 2002, 5:24 am
This past week has been very hectic. It was homecoming week at my college. I'm in the marching band, so we were busy all week long. I had assignments up to wazoo too. I finally have some rest tonight. I took a nap for a couple hours. That felt sooo nice. I never get enough sleep. There are very few days when I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock. Hopefully those days will get more frequent soon now that marching band is done.
Well, since last weekend, I haven't talked to my parents. I think that's a good thing. We all need our space after that. They experienced the shock, and now they need to let it soak in. It'll take time, but I think they'll get used to the idea of a new daughter. I've been used to it for a while now. Though it's not easy for me by any means. I cried last night. This life is just so hard. I wish I could have lived a normal, boring life instead of this one. There is just so much I have to face that doesn't seem fair. I never asked for this nor did I choose it. But I do have to live it, and I'm trying to do the best I can.
I am looking forward to this coming week. I'm going to be doing a major update on the site. I have three or four girls who are going to be starting their diaries and such. I am so excited that people are showing an interest in the site. I've been looking into making t-shirts and sweatshirts if there is interest enough. I think it would be a great way to show transgender pride. Plus, who wouldn't want a "Down with Jerry Springer" t-shirt? I have a few designs I'm working on. I'd probably go through cafepress.com. It seems like the easiest way to do it. Feel free to e-mail me if you are interested. I'd love to know how many people would want something like that. I also am planning on talking to the professor that teaches HTML and web design here. Maybe I can get some suggestions or help on the site. I have so many ideas, but I just don't know how to go about doing them. I really need to take a class on it.
Well, I should have an update in a few days. By then, I hope I get some rest to recover from this last week. Until next time, Good night.
Posted on October 8th 2002, 5:24 am
I apologize for taking so long getting this post up. It was a busy weekend. I got to my house on Thursday night. Friday I went out looking for a winter coat, because it's starting to get pretty cold outside. When my parents came home from work later that night, I told them I had been looking for a coat. I had found one I liked. My mom asked me where I found it. I told her it was at Express. My mom was shocked to hear that I wanted a girl's coat. She asked me why, and I told her that it was because I wanted to get something that would last me longer than six months, and if I got a guy's coat, I wouldn't wear it after then. She didn't understand, and I explained that I have decided to start hormone replacement therapy and eventually transition. They were a little upset by it, but surprisingly, not that bad. They took it pretty well. My mother said to me "Well, we can't live your life for you." That comment in itself made me very happy. I had my parents support. We talked about it for a little bit before we left to go out to eat. It was, of course, the conversation of the entire evening. We discussed it on the way there and while we were eating. Afterwards, we went out to shop for stuff, including my winter coat. They bought it for me, which really surprised me yet again.
Saturday, things changed. My mother told me she didn't think I thought through my decision enough. She thinks I haven't thought about losing my ability to have children. She doesn't realize how long this has been brewing in my head. I've been thinking about transitioning since I was little. I've thought about everything you could possibly think about involving it. Well....maybe not everything, but I definitely have thought about having children. We ended up getting into a big fight. I never realized how stereotypically minded my mother is. She made some pretty nasty stereotypical comments about alternative lifestyles. I made sure to set her straight on those....no pun intended. I have this problem when I get into arguments. I have "old man" syndrome when I get frustrated and angry. I think my mind goes "Maybe she didn't hear me the first time....I'll say it louder." So I end up yelling, and my mother mocks me while I am yelling. That makes me all the more frustrated an angry. I'm sure you can see the circle going on here. I usually end up storming off, which is what I did in this instance. It just never ceases to amaze me that I've presented my mother and father with the facts so many times, yet it seems like they don't hear them. I think they just choose not to believe them, because they don't want to accept what is happening in their family as real.
After storming off, I was on the verge of tears and needed to find somewhere to go. I ended up driving to the movie theater I work at back at home. I hid in the office with the manager, who is one of my supportive friends. I held back the tears as much as I could, but some of them couldn't be held back. Had I not had some control, I probably would have been bawling for a while. Thankfully, I avoided that. My friend and I talked through things, and I calmed down and felt better. After a while, I went back home. My mom and I got into another discussion. This time, I told myself I wouldn't yell, and I would remain calm. It was hard, but I managed it. It ended up being a heated discussion, but it was better than an argument. Sometimes I felt like I was getting through to her, but sometimes not. Talking through a generation gap doesn't work that well.
Eventually I had to go to work, which was back at the movie theater. A lot of people go to movies on a Saturday night. I was working in the vending stand. I have the benefit of being friends with every employee at that theater. Most of them know about my gender issues, and all of them are supportive. So, I usually don't have to worry about much at my job, but I still have customers to deal with. Often times younger kids will snicker and laugh. Many times I get gay comments, including that night. As I was walking through the lobby of the theater, some kid walks past me and says "Hi Guys" with a heavy stereotypical gay lisp. I just turned around and gave him a dirty look. I wanted to say something, but I also want to keep my job. So I refrained. That's not the bad kind of comments I get though. Some adults can be very rude. I had one family buying food. The father says "Whoa, what happened to your nails?" I made some stupid joke to hopefully keep him from asking anymore questions, but he persisted. He then said "Are you wearing pumps?" and looked over the counter. I told him no. He then asked me if I did it for Halloween. I very shortly said "No, that'll be $13.50." That surprised him a bit, but yet he still persisted. He asked the girl on the register next to me what color her nails were. She didn't have hers painted and told him she's lazy. Finally, they left. You'd think people would have more courtesy than that, but alas, they do not.
Sunday was yet another switch. My mother went from argumentative to questioning and accepting. She took me shopping. I still needed a winter coat, because the one from Express was just too small. She helped me look through the women's coats at a different store. Eventually I got one that was what I wanted. It was purple too, my favorite color. I got a scarf, gloves, and a headband as well. Then, she surprised me yet again. We went into the girls clothing section and I picked out stuff I wanted. She actually bought me clothes. I couldn't believe it. There was some stuff that was lower cut, and she said that I should wait with that until I've transitioned and have a bust line. She was even offering me advice. I was truly amazed.
I left to go back to school. I picked up my best friend, and we drove together. We stopped off in a town to visit yet another best friend of mine and we had dinner. I wish I could spend more time with my best friends. On the rest of the way up, we talked a lot about how life has been to us. When we were about twenty minutes away from school, we looked to the northeastern skies and saw the most beautiful display of the Northern Lights that I have ever witnessed. It was like the images you see in National Geographic magazines. They looked like a moving curtain of colors, shimmering across the sky. It was awe inspiring. As we continued to drive home, we saw a couple deer; a Doe and her fawn. It was a very fitting end to an interesting weekend.
Sorry this was so long. I'll try to keep it a little shorter next time. I hope you enjoyed it.
Posted on October 5th 2002, 5:25 am
I got most of Transgender 101 up and running tonight. I spent a few hours working on it. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope the information there can make a huge difference. Today was actually a pretty short day. At least it seemed that way. I skipped my first class to get more sleep. Then I went to my second. I got two exams back, and did great on both of them. I'm doing pretty well this semester in my classes. That's a good thing I guess.
On the topic of gender though. My therapist asked me to analyze my attractions to women. It seems that in a lot of transsexuals, they are attracted to being a woman more so than the woman herself. I'm no exception, but it can get confusing at times since I am also sexually attracted to women. So, I've been doing my best at observing it. So far I've noticed that there are times when I am definitely attracted to the woman, times when I am attracted to being a woman, and there are also times where I am both. It's when I am both that it gets confusing, because the two emotions seem to be similar. I also noticed that if I initially look at the girl's face, I am sexually attracted. But, if I look down at her body, I become jealous. I'm going to keep observing that to see if I can observe any other things about it.
There is a girl in one of my classes that does this very thing to me. I am so attracted to her and jealous of her. It sucks, because I can't really make any moves on her. I am about to start hormones. I don't want to have to put a girl through that. I suppose it's her choice, but if she's attracted to me, it's probably the male me she's attracted to. I just try to ignore my attractions for both my and her sake. I'm probably better off anyway. Well, I think I need to get some sleep. I'm writing this at about 1:30 in the morning. I'll write about how things go with my parents next time. Bye.
Posted on October 2nd 2002, 5:25 am
Today marks the beginning I'm actually making a difference in this world. I finally came through with one of my goals. Hopefully I can start spreading the word about my website and people will really start to learn who I am, and what I've gone through. I'm very proud of myself for doing this, and I have high hopes that it will catch on. I'm sick of getting made fun of, getting called gay, getting stared at, and having nothing to do about it. I suppose I still have to get the information up that people are going to need to read. So there's still a long way to go, but I'm getting there. I'm really looking forward to when it's not just me bearing my whole life on the internet, too.
So, I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Jessica, and I'm a 21 year old college student. I've lived my whole life transgendered, though there was a long period of time when I wouldn't let myself believe it. I currently major in music, but that wont be for much longer. I am planning on changing that in the next couple weeks. I am very open about being transgendered, though I don't broadcast it. I do wear some makeup and nail polish regularly. People notice, and when they ask me, I'm honest with them. They always say honesty is the best policy. So far that has proven true for me. No one, aside from my parents, has responded negatively to me. I do my best not to throw it in people's faces. I don't want people to think I do this for attention. In some ways I do want attention, but that's simply to show to people that transgender does exist in the world. I don't care if the attention is specifically directed at me.
I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, and have been seeing therapy for it for a while now. I am at a very important turning point in my life as I am faced with the decision of being male or female. I could start hormone replacement therapy within this month. I am leaning very strongly in that direction, but it is obviously a major decision. I don't want to rush anything. This coming weekend, I am planning on going home to visit my parents. There I will have to tell them my current situation and plans. I am not looking forward to that. It's very hard on them, and I wish I didn't have to put them through it. But, I have to tell them. I will write about what happens this weekend after I get back. So, until then, thanks for visiting.