This weekend sucked. Whoa....deja vu....yeah, anyway, as I suspected it was frustrating having my parents staying at my apartment this past weekend. My little sister tagged along too. I got some food out of it, and I guess a little bit of fun. But mainly it was just a lot of stress for me. Almost my whole family in my single person apartment. It was just too much. My sister spent almost the entire time on her computer, forgetting that others may have a need for it aside from checking their e-mail and playing Spider Solitaire. And my Dad just turned on football and watched that all night. I only watch football when I have to. Breakfast the next morning was excellent. I will admit that. My mother brought a waffle iron along. Homemade waffles are the best. However, I think the worst part of the weekend was the insulting of one of my better friends for selling my sister a crappy computer. I know he didn't intend it, and I know what was inside and what was wrong. They, however, don't listen to reason. And they called me cruel this summer for being upset with my other friend. We ended the visit with a fight. My little sister wasn't extremely gracious that I fixed her computer at all. Just wonderful.

I did manage to get my student loan application finished and processed while my parents were there. That was important. I needed them there to cosign for me. So, that got mailed today. Hopefully in a couple weeks I should be actually ok moneywise. That'll be nice. I'm planning on two important things. First, pay off one credit card. Two, pay for rent early, and three, start body electrolysis. I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

Well, tomorrow is the day I speak at the LGBT meeting on campus. I e-mailed the president last week with my schedule and stuff, and he e-mailed back with an offer to do it on Tuesday. So I figured, sure...what the hell. I forgot I haven't done this speech in a while and need to brush up a little. So, here I am in the computer lab reading through my stuff. Most of it I remember, it's just the minute details that I need to clear up again. If only my computer didn't break....ug. Speaking of which, I should have a computer running again by the end of the week. Some of my parts should be here by Wednesday. The rest I'm not sure on. Hopefully they all work and I wont have issues again. THAT would suck.

On a different note, I read Lauren's letter and it reminded me a lot of what I felt for a while on my ex. I got so attached and couldn't let go. Finally this summer, when I found out she was engaged, and then this semester finding out she's married already, that closed the door finally. I didn't have to let go the same way, but the same feelings Lauren had hold true. I held on to that memory of her, just hoping she would come back to me. Or maybe I'd get to spend a few more days or weeks with her. And then it was, maybe I'll get to just see her once more. Even with that small wish in mind, I clung on. I think when the door slammed closed this summer, I let go, fell about six feet before I landed and realized that it wasn't all that hard letting go. I kinda wish I had done it a while ago. Too bad.

Anyway, I really should get back home and back to studying for my piano quiz tomorrow. I already know I'm going to suck it up really bad on it. I hate those quizzes more than any other test. It's the only one I get nervous for anymore. I'll write about the speech tomorrow if I can, otherwise I'll write sometime soon. Good night all.

Luv,

Jessica

OK...I'm going to make sure I get enough sleep in the coming weeks. Today, I had the worst headache and felt like I wanted to puke. I never get headaches. I actually skipped a class today to get some sleep because I felt so sick. Maybe I am actually getting sick...who knows. But yeah, no more late nights and early mornings for me. I don't want to be in that state all the time. I was no fun at work because of it. Class sucked too. That's why I just went home and slept. I ace the tests in the class I missed anyway. I'm sure the professor has lost no faith in my ability.

I'm not very excited to have my parents stay here tomorrow. It'll be interesting. I spent my entire Friday night here cleaning my apartment so that it looks and smells nice when they get here. They're coming to see the half-time show that I'm in with the marching band. My little sister is visiting from her college too. I guess it'll be ok. She's going to be taking her computer back to school with her though, which means I wont have one anymore after tomorrow. That's good though, because I have a paper due Monday that I'll need to write on Sunday. Not having a computer here will force me into the computer lab and actually work on it. If I were here at home, I'd be distracted by everything. I'm so busy this week too. I'm speaking for the LGBT meeting this tuesday, and I'll need to prepare for that. I'll write my entries when I'm at work or in the computer labs.

You know what would figure? Tomorrow night I'll get a call from the girl I gave my number to last night at the Coming Out day rally. And I'll have to tell her no cause I'm housing my parents for the weekend. I sure hope that doesn't happen. I'd be so disappointed. Anyway, yeah...on to that sleep thing I said I was going to get. Good night all.

Luv,

Jessica

Tonight was an AWESOME night....well most of it at least. I went to the rally on the campus mall for National Coming Out day. There were a lot of speakers there, and a lot of cool people. I listened to a bunch of them give talks about the organization and about coming out. Then they opened the podium up for people to tell their stories about their times coming out. Several people spoke and then I just decided to go up and talk to. I had a lot of fun. I seem to really enjoy speaking to people like that.

I told them my story and got applause and stuff. I didn't think much of it until the rally was over. Four or five people came up to me at the end and were asking a bunch of questions and giving me compliments. I got a lot of "thank you for speaking." So it was a total ego booster. Oh yeah, and the very open Lesbian in the group came over and gave me a big hug, which I was surprised about but enjoyed nonetheless. The one part of the rally that really surprised me was a friend I work with got up and spoke. She said she was an ally (We're the LGBTSA, SA for Straight Alliance) and wanted to thank the people in the group that have influenced her thoughts and her life over the years that she's been at this school. She thanked me personally. It was very touching. I wanted to give her a big hug, but never got to. I'll do it at the next meeting at my job.

After the rally, I got to talking with the lesbian girl and her friends. We were having a good chat. She asked me to give a presentation and workshop at this event coming up. It's a two day event too. I agreed to do it. I'm actually pretty darn excited about it. After that she suggested that I hang out with her and the girls sometime. When I suggested that she let me know when they do stuff, she asked for my number. So I gave it to her. When I did, I was like, "Enter it in as 'Hot Girl'." I totally meant it as a joke, but she was like "Okay" and did it. So, I'm totally pumped and excited. This could lead to very good things.

On the boring side of things, I ordered my new parts totaling about a hundred bucks. I also started the application process for the alternative student loan. It's a pain in the butt. I hope I get it too. Digressing though, I'll be sure to write more on the developments with the girls. I can't wait to have something to write about. Yay. OK, bedtime...good night all.

Luv,

Jessica

So yeah, my sister's computer is broken. I have it right now and I was going to swap out parts to figure out which part on her computer actually needs to be replaced. Unfortunately, in the process my Motherboard got scratched. So, now my computer is screwed. I get to look at a black screen because the processor can't communicate to the rest of the parts. That means...yay...I have to replace it. *grumble grumble*

The only good thing is that I officially determined that my sister's processor was most likely causing the problems she was having. Why? Cause when I put it back into her case and tested it, it melted. Her processor is beyond shot. So, yeah....that just adds to the fun. Now I don't have a clue if her mainboard is bad anymore. I suspected that before, but now I'm not so sure. I have one more option, but I don't know if it'll work. We'll see. I'm just pissed that all this happened. I'm sitting in a computer lab on campus right now because it's the only way for me to take care of some important stuff I have to do online.

I don't know how long it'll be before I get my hunk of junk up and running again, but I'll try to update my diary through campus computers until then. Now I'm going to go sulk for a while. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica

So yeah, last week sucked. It was exam week and Homecoming week. Both of these made last week very trying. The good thing is that I'm pretty sure I did well on all the exams. Also, the homecoming parade and show went great. I'm glad to know I'm respected as a musician and a marcher in the band in that they put me in the front row on the far left. It's a point that everyone sees and the rest of the band has to guide to. So yeah...I rock.

Last week was a long week though. I never had enough sleep and was getting slowly and slowly more depressed as the week went on. My loneliness was creeping up on me, despite the friends I have. I was wanting a more personal, intimate relationship....still am. Figures, I'm doing so great with everything else. School, Work, Life, Friends....even money is starting to look ok too, but that issue is just sweeping in and knocking me to the ground. I'm sure I'll be ok. I'm a trooper.

I am such a loser though. I spent my entire weekend that I wasn't marching during working on a midi file that would eventually become a ringtone for my phone. When I wasn't working on the midi file, I was working on a way to get it onto my phone. In the end, I succeeded. The Rorouni Kenshin song "Heart of Sword" is now my ringtone. I'm pretty proud of it. I actually set up a WAP internet site with files on it so my phone could download it too. That's how much of a dork I am. It's pathetic really.

On other dorky notes, tomorrow I start working on the new diary design. For my JAVA programming class, I suggested to the professor that we make a live journal script for our class project. After we discussed some things about it, he thought it would be an excellent idea. So, the new design will involve separate pages for each person writing a weblog or diary on the site. It'll be more like say...LiveJournal.com or something. It'll be more personal. That'll be nice. And it'll be mine...all mine...mwahahaha. (lightning and thunderclap).

On a very stupid / funny note, this morning I was hanging with the other trans girl on campus. We were talking about random things, and at one point I said I wanted to get some slut boots. She misheard me and said "Slug Boots?" We laughed for a long time....since we have so much estrogen, it was amplified quite a bit. I probably laughed for a good fifteen to twenty minutes at such a stupid thing. She then proceeded to draw the Slug Boots in her notebook, which caused more laughter. It took quite a while to calm down. All in all, it was a good time.

Oh yeah, here's another interesting story. So, I seem to have a gay boy interested in me. He is confused as to how he feels and knows that it's odd. He's scared as to what that means if he does have feelings for me. How does that work? A gay boy and a trans girl? I don't think I've ever heard of that before. But yeah, I'll write more as things progress with that.

Well, I think I better stop with this entry considering I'm starting to push Lauren off the entry page. I should get to doing some sort of work at my job too. I've been writing this at work. It's nice. I'm getting paid to work on my website. Well, I'm off.

Luv,

Jessica