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It's amazing how a day can be ruined by a single moment. I just got in an argument with my mother right before she went off to bed. She thinks I'm an ungrateful child. She think that all this time they've been helping me, that I've just been planning on taking the money and running. I apparently have no intention of ever paying them back.

When I finally realized what her point was, I was so hurt I started crying. All this time, I had been planning on giving them back everything and more. I wanted to be able to pay my parents back ten fold. I also wanted to become someone they could be so proud of. Someone they could say to everyone "yup, that's our daughter." She didn't realize that apparently. She says I don't care about other people's opinions. If that's true, then I know who I got it from, because everything I said bounced right off her. I just don't like her opinion on always telling me to change my hairstyle. She and my sister are the only two that don't like it.

God I can't stop crying. She has no idea how much it hurts to hear that from her. I made an appointment to see my kidney doctor. I was told that I need to be monitored to insure that my kidney function is ok. They told me I'm a high risk patient. My mother thinks I shouldn't go, because she doesn't like the guy I see all based on a couple comments by a friend of hers. My mom is one of very little faith. She could be working with a doctor for 30 years, and if one little thing went wrong, she'd leave.

I'm going to check to make sure if this guy is covered under our new insurance plan. If he's not, the appointment is cancelled. I'm just sick of the whole thing. I do need to get a check up though. So in that case, I'll find another doctor. Ugh, she's just so frustrating at times. She never listens to anything I say. I told her everything I knew about SRS, and she wouldn't believe it. When she heard it all today at the seminar, I was right. Ugh, no faith whatsoever.

I'm going to stop bitching and finish crying. Bye.

Luv,

Jess

How's that for a good song title? I'm sure I could come up with lyrics to fill in around it. Anyway, It's been a good couple days here. Thursday, after saying goodbye to my Doctor, I went and hung out with a friend, Audrey. I've only really met her at a couple conferences. She saw one of my workshops and has been chatting with me ever since. She's really cool though.

We met and chatted. We've been getting to be better friends online through AIM a lot recently. She's been dating someone, but recently broke up with her. I seem to have wonderful talent with meeting girls in that stage as of recent. She's a cute, nice girl. I hope we get to be better friends.

On to the second in the title: Breasts. I think I got my dad's side of the family's genes. My aunt and grandma were very small breasted. My mother's side of the family is not. I'm just not growing at all, even with injectible estrogen. I'm beginning to accept that if I want to be any standard cup size, I'm going to need augmentation. I really didn't want implants, but I'm starting to be ok with it.

Today was very cool...which brings us to the third topic in the subject line. I met Dr. Eugene Schrang today. He's one of the worlds best SRS surgeons. He did a presentation sponsored by a local trans group. My parents, a couple friends and I went to see it. I even have a picture of myself and him. That'll be up after my spring break is done.

We learned his entire procedure and got to see step by step results. He even showed us comparison results of 28 other surgeons from around the world. Apparently he gets a lot of trans women that come to him after their surgeries with other doctors wanting him to fix their mistakes. I found it amazing to see the results, especially of how horrible the south asian results were. I knew not to go there, but I'm definitely not ever going to now.

Before, I was pretty sold on Brassard in Montreal. Now I think I want to go with Schrang. He just has so much experience and knowledge about what he does. He's been doing it for a long time now and really has perfected his work. Also, I wouldn't have to worry about waiting lists or anything. I asked him about it, and he said he would have no problem taking me when I would need it. That was a big thing for me.

So with this all in mind, I had been thinking of waiting until winter of next year or maybe even summer. Now, I'm thinking of going back to my original idea of the end of this coming summer. Since my chest isn't really responding anymore and I can get it done whenever I want to, it really seems like the best choice. I'm going to find out Schrang's official prices on Monday. I'm expecting to cringe. We'll see. I'll post them on here that night. OK, now I'm going to get some sleep. Good night.

Luv,

Jess

I've been seeing the same therapist for about two years now. We had a great relationship. He had seen me through the whole transition up to this point. This past Thursday I had my last appointment with him. He is moving on to bigger and better places. I think he actually wants to start his own transgender clinic. I'm proud of him for that.

When it came time to go, I actually cried. It felt like I lost a good friend. Due to confidentiality reasons, I can't even keep in contact with him. The best I can do is send him updates via an e-mail address. He can't respond to them though. He said he'll miss it too. We had a good run.

When the appointment was over and I was walking to my car, I was bawling. I didn't realize how much I had gotten attached to my friend. Even now, as I think about it, I get tears. Funny, I've gone through this whole process so scared that I'd lose a friend if I came out to them, and I never lost one. Now I lose my therapist. How ironic.

Maybe someday I'll run into him again. Maybe he'll ignore his professionalism just once and respond to an e-mail of mine. I doubt it though. Being professional seemed very important to him. Either way though, I'll always remember him. Goodbye Dr. Minwalla.

Luv,

Jess

Yup, that's right. Everything is back to normal now. I'm back to my emotionally cheery self. I'm recovered from this past weekend, which is good. I talked to my campus friend, Lauren, and she told me what Jess was going through. I really empathize with her. She's got it rough right now. Much worse than me.

Tomorrow night at the meeting, I think I'm going to tell her that she can talk to me if she needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm the queen of heartbreak. I don't know if she'll be comfortable with it, but I'm just offering. It's not like I have any alterior motives either. I honestly just want to help. I always appreciate having someone to vent to.

Spring Break starts this Friday, and I'm excited. I have a big week planned. I'm going to visit some friends out of state for five days. This weekend I'm going to see an SRS surgeon give a seminar. My parents are coming as well as some friends from the LGBT. It should be a good week. I wanted to bring a camera with me, but that didn't work out. How I wish I had an extra $3000 dollars to buy a camera with.

It's actually been a pretty darn good week so far. I'm getting things done and really making progress with the LGBT. A lot of things are now falling into place. That whole "feeling like a failure" thing is gone and has been replaced with "Feeling like a good leader." Let me tell you, it's a lot nicer feeling to have. I think I'll stick with that one as long as the estrogen will let me.

Tomorrow will be a sad day though. My therapist of two years is leaving the clinic I go to. He's moving on to bigger and better places. He was a great therapist and a good friend. He's been there since the beginning of my transition. I'm going to miss him. Thankfully, I am bringing a camera to the appointment. It'll go into my documentary.

Well, my shift is over and I have to get up to the TV station. I have to run the cameras tonight. I'll write about how it goes tomorrow night.

Luv,

Jess

I'm proud of my coping skills. I seem to be able to deal with any emotional problem that is thrown at me pretty well. It's Monday, and I'm feeling ok about what happened Friday night. I dealt with it the whole weekend and found ways to let out my feelings...mostly in the form of Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy.

It really helped to get my mind into another universe and just think of something completely unrelated. After that time passed, I was able to think about the whole thing a lot clearer. I really am ok with it now. I mean, it's still a little depressing, but it's not like I haven't had my share of relationship woes to learn from before. I still think I'm not going to look for a while. I just don't want to set myself up for that emotional trauma again.

I don't think I'm going to date much while I'm at this school. The entire lesbian population knows who I am and what I am. They know I'm still in the transitional period. I don't really think any of them are all that interested. I don't necessarily fit in either. I noticed that Friday night. I just don't, but that goes for most of society. I stand out like a sore thumb. It's the reason I always feel out of place and alone. I'm sure I'll have to deal with that feeling for the rest of my life.

Well, I didn't study at all for my Japanese exam today. I should probably spend some time looking through the notes and such. Wish me luck on this one...I hope I do ok.

Luv,

Jess