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I think I'm getting fatigued. This whole "two jobs, full time student, two organizations" thing is just kicking my ass. I'm up late every night. I'm not keeping up with my homework. And with SRS coming up and all the hair removal I have to do, not to mention the cost of SRS itself, I'm overwhelmed. In class, I find myself preoccupied and off in a cloud somewhere. Or, I'll be falling asleep.

I think this is all just too much for me right now. I need this semester to end fast. This is why I should stay single. I couldn't handle it if I did. Then again...maybe she'd help me get through it. Or I'd be that much more distracted. I think I'm better off for now, but either way...I need to find a way to get some down time. Spring break was nice enough I guess...but I think I needed a real escape, and I didn't really get it.

I'm actually skipping band right now. I've just decided that I can't handle all this. I made my dinner last night at midnight. That's not healthy, but it was the first time I had to eat. I haven't even been able to do anything I want to do. I'm too busy doing what I have to. Even this diary has suffered. I mean really, the only way to write an entry was to skip class. It's only band though. No biggie. I'll still get an A.

Well, this is my down time. I think I'm going to go eat a decent meal and maybe get some studying done. See ya later.

Luv,

Jess

Over the past few days, this issue has been very strongly fixed in my mind. Not like I haven't thought about it a lot in the past six months anyway, but this week in particular it's been a very prominent topic. We had a live debate on the campus TV station on gay marriage last night. I had to do the video for the intro to the show on it. In my search for video online, I encountered a lot of articles as well. So I've been exposed to a lot of opinions.

I've heard the standard stuff, like gays shouldn't marry because it's against religion or it will destroy the instutution of marriage. Then there's the more ridiculous stuff like if gays can marry, then people will want to marry their dogs or their siblings. There are even people saying that gays can do everything they need to without marraige and try to disregard the rights marriage confers as unnecessary or unimportant. And even still there are people who think that minorities shouldn't even seek to change the laws at all since they are only a minority anyway. That opinion was basically if it doesn't affect the majority, why should it even matter?

Admittedly some of the points are valid, they just take them too far. For instance, that the GLBT community labels anyone who disagrees with them a bigot. Someone in their essay suggested that it would eventually get to the point in which people would be put in jail for disagreeing with gay marriage. Now, I do agree that sometimes the GLBT community tends to label bigots fairly quickly. However, is it not justified? With so many people with ridiculous arguments opposing gay marriage, it's no surprise. I'm sure the Civil Rights and Women's Suffrage movement were just as quick to label bigots too.

It's a shock to me at how many educated people are making such ridiculous claims. It seems to me that people are too hung up on vocabulary. It's simply the word "marriage" that conservatives don't want to let go of. They call it a fundamental institution of this society that hasn't changed. But the fact is, it has. It's gone through many changes over the past century even. The gay marriage movement is also very similar to the interracial marriage fight years ago. In fact, every time marriage has changed people have said the same exact things; "Marriage is such and such a way and always has been."

The truth of the matter is that society has changed. And there are many examples of change in the past that have become statements of pride throughout this whole country. The end to slavery, civil rights, and suffrage are just the more well known ones. But we as an entire nation look at them as something to be proud of. We, the United States, stood up against discrimination and gave equality to those who deserve it. It just blows my mind that people don't recognize that they are turning their backs on that. They don't even realize their discriminatory actions.

A friend of mine last night was making that very comment. She generalized that the older generations of today just don't understand what discrimination really is. Most of them have never faced a real discrimination in their lives. So when they actually do discriminate, they don't realize it, or deny they are doing it. I would argue that we all do that. Every single one of us doesn't want to be told we are wrong or that we are less human for looking down on another. So we make our statements and stubbornly hold onto them no matter how harmful they are.

During the debate, the anti-gay marriage people actually made just as many statements in support of gay marriage as the pro group did. It wasn't that they were even trying to. They simply pointed out that the governement does discriminate between groups. When they were presented with the simple question of "Why shouldn't gays marry?", they never answered it. They dodged the question to the frustration of the audience.

When I was doing the interviews for the introduction to the show, I discovered an overwhelming amount of support. Everyone who was willing to make a statement on camera was for gay marriage. I had to badger some people into making their negative statements. The majority of people on campus just didn't care either way, but leaned more in support. Then there was also a large group that was openly in support. I had a heck of a time even finding people who were against. When I did find them, they would say "I don't feel I should say anything." I couldn't help but wonder why someone wouldn't be willing to stand up and state their views. To me, it was almost as if they knew their argument had very little behind them.

My prediction is that in less than 35 years, gay marriage will be legal. Hopefully it wont take that long, but my guess is that it will be fully recognized and legal by 2040. I did find a very good and entertaining website that I do want to share. It's www.12reasons.com. Not only do they comment on all of the major arguments made, but they also have posters that point out the history of several related topics.

So there you have it. That's my commentary on gay marriage. I hope you enjoy it.

Luv,

Jess

So on my last weekend of my Spring Break, I decided to go visit one of my best friends out of state. I drove out there and things were fine. Saturday we had been shopping at the mall and when I got back to my car, there was a note from someone saying "My rear left tire is really low". So I went and looked. Sure enough, it was really low. So I drove to a gas station and filled the tire. It seemed fine.

I drove on that tire the rest of the day and into the next day. Sunday, I went to get lunch with my friend. After eating I was going to head back up to school. That's when someone pointed out my tire was flat. Figures that it was pouring rain too. So my friend and I put the spare on and drove back to his place. I looked online for any tire place open on a Sunday...no luck. So, a computer helpdesk is open on sunday because people can have emergencies anytime, but a tire place can't because tires don't blow on Sundays.....er wait. I don't understand that. Why not be open?

I managed to get to my parents house, which was about a 90 minute drive on the donut spare tire. It was pouring and I was crying most of the way. The rain seemed to match my mood pretty well. My break just sucked as a whole. One friend I was going to visit cancelled. The visit with my friend that I did get to go to was boring aside from the tire excitement. Aside from that, the only good thing was meeting Dr. Schrang. I suppose I did get to relax too. That was nice, but overall break seemed like such a waste.

I got my tire replaced on monday. I actually needed two since another one was on it's way out. Two hundred dollars later and I finally got back to school. I missed 4.5 hours of work and all my classes. Now I feel like I'm behind. Japanese is really kicking my butt this semester. I'm not going to make the dean's list, that's for sure.

The one thing that did go really well was my Wellness theory class yesterday. I got to speak to the class about transgender. It was fun. I got lots of good questions. I'm sure I'll get more too, since I'm in the class and will see everyone later.

Oh yeah, someone also wrote a nice comment in the guestbook. I'm leaving it there for now. I just think it's funny that the person was willing to make such a bold statement, but wasn't willing to put any sort of other information about themself there. No name, AIM, or e-mail address. I just think it's pretty weak if you're going to make a statement like that, and yet, not be willing to stand up personally for your own opinions. I figure it's someone who probably has their own issues to work out, whatever they may be. I mean, the person was on this website for a reason.

This week is stressful. I hope it ends soon. I'll talk to ya'll later.

Luv,

Jess

Last night was our LGBT group's social at a nearby club. I've never gone clubbing before, so it was a new event for me. Because most of our members are under 21, we had planned for 18 and up night. So, there were a lot of young people there. I felt so old compared to everyone else. Most of my group was under 21. I'm the vice president, so I felt responsible. I pretty much deemed myself the chaperone for the night.

That was pretty much my excuse. I have a very hard time letting go when it comes to dancing. It's one of the few fears I have yet to conquer. So, yeah...I was the chaperone in my mind. That kept me in my little "I don't want to dance" shell. I sat there and felt sorry for myself for about 2 hours. I watched the dancing, checked out the girls, and chatted with the friends that came to the table to rest. It was dreadfully boring...until something happened.

There was a girl checking me out for about half the time I was there. I had noticed earlier. I thought she was cute, so I kept making eye contact with her. She eventually came over and asked me to dance. I had to. I wasn't going to turn her down. So I broke out of my shell and went. She was a cute little Mexican girl named Lola. She seemed surprised when she asked me my age and I told her I'm 23. She then told me she was 20. I can tell you right now, she wasn't 20. She was probably 18.

Anyway, it was fun. She actually worked at the club and eventually had to get back to her job. I talked with her a little bit and that pretty much solidified that she was not 20. It was fairly obvious, but it still was a self esteem booster for me. My friends were nothing but questions when I went back to them. A few of them were proud of me. I had a big grin on my face too. The last hour we were there was actually fun. I should go out dancing more. My fear of dancing better watch out. I'm coming to break it down.

After the club closed, we all went to Denny's to eat. It was fun too. I made a new friend. My two lesbian friends were making this straight, old couple very uncomfortable. We could tell they were trying not to stare at them. There was a table of mexican guys that were checking me out very obviously. That was uncomfortable for me. And then two drunk guys came over to hit on our table. We were just leaving. So that saved us that trouble. All in all it was a fun night. It definitely was a self-esteem builder for me. I needed it after that heartbreak of mine a few weeks ago.

I slept over at my friend Emilie's house. I had this dream I could fly...and eventually was wearing the supergirl outfit. That was fun. I was happy to see myself as female even in my dreams. That's been happening on a more regular basis now. It's taken a year for my brain to forget my former male body. I was just so used to seeing that body that my brain took this long to adjust to what I look like now. I'm relieved about that. I like being me all the time.

Speaking of sleep, I should probably get some. It's been quite the few days. Good night all.

Luv,

Supergirl...er....Jess

Yesterday was a fun day. I went out to lunch with my high school friend Ashley. We don't get to see each other much, so it was fun. We talked for a good four hours or so. During that time we visited the high school just for fun. I haven't been there in at the very least a year. It's very different now. They've added on and changed a bunch of stuff. It was interesting.

I found it somewhat difficult to find my way around though. Eventually I did manage to run into some former teachers. My old biology teacher mistook me for my sister. I had to correct her. That was fun. However, none of the teachers were really shocked with me. It was actually kind of disappointing. It's fun when they're all surprised. Overall it was good though. I now have my old teacher's e-mail address.

I also visited my old workplace; the grocery store I worked at for 5 years. My manager there is so cool about the whole thing too. Him, my old coworker friend Joel, and I chatted for a while too. It was good to catch up with them. I love knowing I can still go back to those places without trouble. Friends are wonderful.

So on that subject, last night I visited one of my bestest friends, Seth. He and Dawn, one of my other bestest friends broke up recently after two and a half years. Seth and I talked about it for a while. We never ever get to talk anymore. We ended up talking for about 6 hours. I was there from like...9 pm until almost 4 am. It was worth it though. I love my friends.

During our talk, we covered just about everything: Relationship stuff, faith stuff, spirituality, sexuality, and even friendship as a whole. He was worried about me because he wasn't able to be there for me all the time. We live about 3 hours apart. I reassured him though. He doesn't have to see me through every problem. Just knowing that I have friends like him that care so much helps me get through the tough times. I really and truly love my friends. I mean that.

Tonight is club night. I've never gone to a queer club before. In fact, I've never gone to any type of club. I'm not sure how it's going to be. I'm going to try to have fun. I'll have a lot of my LGBT friends there to hang with too. I think it'll be ok. I better get going though. I have to be out there to meet my friends pretty soon. Bye.

Luv,

Jess