I'll be mean and save the title for the end. The museum was really cool. I got to see some very old and rare artifacts from Egypt. It was fascinating. As soon as we walked into the exhibit, there was a real mummy sitting there. The amount of color in the exhibit was astounding. The Egyptians definitely liked gold. We weren't allowed to touch anything of course, but I don't know if I'd want to. It just amazes me the kind of culture they had and how they lived. I am such a dork.

After the museum, my family went out for Chinese food at this authentic place. It was excellent and I was stuffed. At one point the waitress was bringing out more food or something and was talking to us. She looked at us kids in the family and asked "Are all of these your daughters?" My mother replied "Yup, these are all my daughters." The waitress said "Even the one in the middle?" referring to me. I'm sitting there wondering why she's singling me out and suddenly getting very uncomfortable. My mom said "yup, her too". Then the waitress said "Why is she so much taller than everyone else?" My fears were mostly quelled at that. My mom just said I got my father's height. The woman told me I should have played basketball. I just agreed and moved on. The rest of the family seemed to think nothing of it, but I had my nerves significantly rattled for the day. Still, it's cool that she didn't question anything else. I'm just a tall girl. And my mother referred to me as her daughter and used female pronous. She's learning. Way to go Mom.

So here's the big surprise. So, I had been kinda down that Jill didn't call me this weekend after giving her my number last week Thursday. I was all paranoid that she wasn't going to talk to me when I got back too. (I'm insecure, can you tell?) Well, of course she did talk to me because she's a sweetheart. Here's the big surprise, she's possibly taking a trip this weekend to go shopping at one of the bigger malls near where I live. She was suggesting we get lunch when she goes. I am still a bit surprised by it. I figured she was still way uncomfortable with that idea. I guess she's gotten over the trans issues enough. That's so awesome. So yeah...now I'm nervous. Funny, I'm not nervous at all about SRS in four weeks, but I am nervous about meeting Jill. Weird how that works. Anyway, that's the big surprise. I think it's a good one.

Luv,

Jess

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Today I saw two movies, both of which were sequels. The first was Shrek 2. This was a fun movie, aside from the projectionist not framing it right. I'd have to say I enjoyed the last section of the movie the best. I won't spoil the film though. It was really good and everyone should see it. It's a lot of fun to watch.

The second movie I've been looking forward to for a year or so. I finally got to see Spiderman 2. I had lots of expectations and all of them were set very high. Normally, I find myself disappointed when I set my expectations high, but this time I wasn't. The movie was great. I will be watching it a few more times I'm sure. I am one of those people who was into Spiderman before these movies came out. In fact, I was watching the animated series religiously about 6 or 7 years ago. I would have gotten the comics if I knew where to find them too. I love that hero. I even considered getting a personalized license plate that said "Thwip". So yeah, I had my ideas for what they would do with the story, but I was so wrong. It totally rocked though. I want more.

So yeah, that's what I did for my fourth of July. I thought it was pretty festive, in my own sort of way. I'm a geek though. I don't deny that. Speaking of geek, tomorrow I get to visit the museum. All I need now is tape on my glasses and a pocket protector. Great. With that, I'm off to bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jess

8:00 pm

I'm sitting in my parents van right now. We're downtown waiting to see if the rain will let up for the fireworks tonight. I honestly don't want to be here right now. It's not for any lack of patriotism or fear of getting wet. It's simply because every time I'm home, I'm constantly reminded of two things. One is my family's view of me. I'm still correcting them on pronouns They get my name right now. I should be happy about that, but what's a name when I know they still consider me male in their minds.

They've said themselves that they will probably never get over that. I know they are still the best parents in the world and that they've given me so much. I wouldn't take any other parents. It's just extremely depressing. I am a woman. I look female. I act female. I sound female. But to my family, I'll never be.

The second thing I'm reminded of is my lack of a relationship. I'm the only one without a significant other. Sure, Jill is kind of a part of my life, but she's far from my girlfriend. I gave her my number on Thursday and told her to call me. However, I haven't gotten a call yet and there's definitely no guarantee I will. So as usual, all I have is just the thought of being with her and the reminder that I have no one here now. The rain matches my melancholy mood.

Well, I should get back to my boredom in the car. Write more later...

11:30 pm

I just got home from the fireworks. At about 9:00 we finally decided to head down. They were scheduled to go off at 9:25...so we had to hurry. I know my family, and we tend to not move as fast as we should. So, I took the lead. I'm used to having to get to places on campus pretty quickly. So I pushed on through.We got to where we needed to be and were able to set up the chairs and stuff just in time...like literally. We sat down and the first one went up. I felt pretty good about that.

During the fireworks and the rain, my thoughts drifted. My mom and my dad were on my left, and my sister and her boyfriend were on my right. And as usual, the fifth wheel is in the middle. I just thought...dammit...this better be the last holiday I spend alone. I of course thought of Jill...who else would I think of? And I remembered all of the times I've been in this situation. I just wanted her to be there with me. I forgot the fireworks...and started to cry. I was thankful for the umbrella, because it kept the rest of my family from seeing.

Eventually the fireworks ended and we had to pack up and leave. It started to rain a bit harder on the walk back. My sister and her boyfriend were under one umbrella and my mother and father were under another. I just walked in the rain. I didn't care about getting wet. So I walked and followed. The rain soaked my hair and clothes. Only once did they look back to see if I was there. I rode home in the car in silence. When I got home, I cried again. I feel so pathetic...I'm sick of crying and having no one there to hug me. My mother has never been sensitive about such things. My sisters are more likely to poke fun or mock me. And my dad isn't even worth trying to talk to. I wont get a hug here. When I go back up to school, I wont get a hug there either. I'd literally have to search around to find someone to hug. I wish there were more of my closer friends around. There are very few I feel comfortable with crying in front of them.

Anyway, I'm not a big fan of holidays. Every one is pretty much the same to me now. Just another reminder of who I was and who I'm not with. I think I'm going to go to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. Good Night.

Luv,

Jess

What is it with boys and having to do a beat box all the time? I'm at work and both of the boys here have to be doing vocal percussion all the time. Brad just asked me "Wouldn't it be cool if you could fart whenever you want on command?". My boss just walked through the room belching several times. This is why I don't date boys.

Luv,

Jess

Well, during our conversation today, Jill said some wonderful things to me. She may not know how much of an effect what she said had on me though. I had some time to think about it and what she said, and I'm not feeling so self conscious anymore. I'm actually feeling wonderful. Tonight I got to hang out with Leslie too. We talked, and I figured something out. I started pulling away, trying to keep my distance from Jill because of all the crap I've gone through over the past two years. Particularly recently, I've been rejected so soon after getting to know someone. I was afraid that if I let myself get too attached to her, that I'd just get hurt again. This time however, that's not going to happen.

She has already told me that she's not going to just drop me. Even if nothing happens between us romantically, she'll be a friend no matter what. So my fears have been misplaced. I'm just going to let things happen and get to know this wonderful girl. I have no reason to be scared, self conscious or whatever. I'm just going to be me. With that said...I'm going to have a hard time being me if I don't sleep... So, good night.

Luv,

Jess