Posted on July 4th 2004, 5:32 am
I'm sitting in my parents van right now. We're downtown waiting to see if the rain will let up for the fireworks tonight. I honestly don't want to be here right now. It's not for any lack of patriotism or fear of getting wet. It's simply because every time I'm home, I'm constantly reminded of two things. One is my family's view of me. I'm still correcting them on pronouns They get my name right now. I should be happy about that, but what's a name when I know they still consider me male in their minds.
They've said themselves that they will probably never get over that. I know they are still the best parents in the world and that they've given me so much. I wouldn't take any other parents. It's just extremely depressing. I am a woman. I look female. I act female. I sound female. But to my family, I'll never be.
The second thing I'm reminded of is my lack of a relationship. I'm the only one without a significant other. Sure, Jill is kind of a part of my life, but she's far from my girlfriend. I gave her my number on Thursday and told her to call me. However, I haven't gotten a call yet and there's definitely no guarantee I will. So as usual, all I have is just the thought of being with her and the reminder that I have no one here now. The rain matches my melancholy mood.
Well, I should get back to my boredom in the car. Write more later...
I just got home from the fireworks. At about 9:00 we finally decided to head down. They were scheduled to go off at 9:25...so we had to hurry. I know my family, and we tend to not move as fast as we should. So, I took the lead. I'm used to having to get to places on campus pretty quickly. So I pushed on through.We got to where we needed to be and were able to set up the chairs and stuff just in time...like literally. We sat down and the first one went up. I felt pretty good about that.
During the fireworks and the rain, my thoughts drifted. My mom and my dad were on my left, and my sister and her boyfriend were on my right. And as usual, the fifth wheel is in the middle. I just thought...dammit...this better be the last holiday I spend alone. I of course thought of Jill...who else would I think of? And I remembered all of the times I've been in this situation. I just wanted her to be there with me. I forgot the fireworks...and started to cry. I was thankful for the umbrella, because it kept the rest of my family from seeing.
Eventually the fireworks ended and we had to pack up and leave. It started to rain a bit harder on the walk back. My sister and her boyfriend were under one umbrella and my mother and father were under another. I just walked in the rain. I didn't care about getting wet. So I walked and followed. The rain soaked my hair and clothes. Only once did they look back to see if I was there. I rode home in the car in silence. When I got home, I cried again. I feel so pathetic...I'm sick of crying and having no one there to hug me. My mother has never been sensitive about such things. My sisters are more likely to poke fun or mock me. And my dad isn't even worth trying to talk to. I wont get a hug here. When I go back up to school, I wont get a hug there either. I'd literally have to search around to find someone to hug. I wish there were more of my closer friends around. There are very few I feel comfortable with crying in front of them.
Anyway, I'm not a big fan of holidays. Every one is pretty much the same to me now. Just another reminder of who I was and who I'm not with. I think I'm going to go to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. Good Night.
Posted on June 30th 2004, 7:53 pm
What is it with boys and having to do a beat box all the time? I'm at work and both of the boys here have to be doing vocal percussion all the time. Brad just asked me "Wouldn't it be cool if you could fart whenever you want on command?". My boss just walked through the room belching several times. This is why I don't date boys.
Posted on June 30th 2004, 5:47 am
Well, during our conversation today, Jill said some wonderful things to me. She may not know how much of an effect what she said had on me though. I had some time to think about it and what she said, and I'm not feeling so self conscious anymore. I'm actually feeling wonderful. Tonight I got to hang out with Leslie too. We talked, and I figured something out. I started pulling away, trying to keep my distance from Jill because of all the crap I've gone through over the past two years. Particularly recently, I've been rejected so soon after getting to know someone. I was afraid that if I let myself get too attached to her, that I'd just get hurt again. This time however, that's not going to happen.
She has already told me that she's not going to just drop me. Even if nothing happens between us romantically, she'll be a friend no matter what. So my fears have been misplaced. I'm just going to let things happen and get to know this wonderful girl. I have no reason to be scared, self conscious or whatever. I'm just going to be me. With that said...I'm going to have a hard time being me if I don't sleep... So, good night.
Posted on June 30th 2004, 12:18 am
I know it's a shock hearing that from me, but it's how I feel. I have said it before and I should have kept to it. I am not pursuing girls anymore. I'm just going to be alone. I think that would be best for me. I always always let myself get into these dumb situations.
So I guess you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. Well, here's the story. A week ago Friday my friend Chris was checking his e-mail on my computer. He happened to get a message from Hotornot.com. When he followed the link and clicked yes to the person, the following image was of this gorgeous lesbian girl about my age from my state. I told him to save the link. I never go to that site anymore, but I figured what the heck. I didn't expect much out of it anyway. Well, about tuesday the following week, I get the message back that I have a double match with this girl. So I e-mail her at about 7:00ish on Thursday night. An hour later I had a response that she was interested and she gave me her yahoo ID. I IMed her and happen to just catch her online. We talked until midnight.
Friday I hung out with friends and saw Fahrenheit 9/11. Afterwards I came home and she was still on yahoo. So we talked for another hour or so. Saturday she and I talked literally all day long. Sunday we talked most of the day. Monday night we talked. And now it's Tuesday and I'm talking to her as I write this. One might think this is a good thing. However, it's not really. I told her on Saturday morning about me being trans and when the surgery is and all. It was really hard for her to take. The fact that she's still talking to me is awesome. She doesn't want to meet me until after SRS, but I can understand that.
Now with all of that, you're probably thinking..."Jess...are you crazy? that's wonderful!" Well, it's not for this reason. She's very uncomfortable with the trans issue despite talking to me so much. We talked about it, and she's not sure she can get past a few things. There was a drastic change in her attitude after I told her too. She was so unbelievably flirtatious and full of excitement. She was completely subdued afterwards with no hint of interest save a few little flirts here and there. We talked about her issues with it. She's very open and honest. She's truly amazing. I just feel so...inadequate.
This girl is incredibly attractive both inside and out. I could easily fall for her. I just don't feel like I'll ever be woman enough for her. Today I felt incredibly self-conscious. I wore a skirt, tank top and flip flops. All I could see was the wide shoulders, slightly masculine build and big man feet. Sometimes I feel like I should just tell her to forget me and move on to someone who she doesn't have to take all this time debating over. She could have any girl she wants. There's no reason for her to pick me.
So yeah...basically I just feel like ass...very insecure. This is why I hate these relationship type things I get into. I should just focus on my goals to educate people on transgender, school, and my major. I cried yesterday...and I'm on my way to doing it again tonight. Though I must admit...this girl has an amazing ability to make me smile. Cross your fingers for me everyone.
On unrelated news, I got a call from Dr. Schrang yesterday. Apparently Fox News wants to do a documentary. He gave them my name and was asking if it's ok. I said yes of course. I haven't heard from them yet, but I probably will soon. Don't worry, I'll post the details on here whenever it happens. I should probably go get some food now though. I'm hungry. Bye everyone.
Posted on June 23rd 2004, 4:34 pm
Here's the fun of the last week or so. I'll start back at the first event. A week ago today I went to a party. It was at my friend, Audrey's house. Supposedly it was a "John Kerry" party, which is cool and all, but that had very little to do with Mr. Kerry. We pretty much just had fun, ate pizza and burritos, talked, and had a good time. I saw two movies...well sorta. The first was a stand up routine by Ellen Degeneres, and the second was "Bend it Like Bekham". It had Kiera Knightley in it...which surprised me at first. It wasn't bad. Very much a cultural lesson. It was about an Indian family living in the UK. The daughter was a football player, known in the US as soccer. This isn't very accepted by her family, even though she is really good. There are accusations of lesbianism in the movie, which all of us queer people at the party found amusing. Anyway, the party was fun, and definitely my kind of party. I like intimate, small parties as opposed to the traditional college party with tons of drunk people. It's just more my style. I also got to know my friend Audrey a lot better, and we got to be closer friends. I think that's great. Too bad she's on a flight to Japan right now, and I wont get to hang with her until probably next summer. That stinks.
Thursday I had a laser treatment in the morning, worked and then after I got home, I got a random call from Chris. He apparently was done with his camp work early and came back to visit. He crashed at my apartment and then kept me from getting enough sleep. I love the guy, really, but there is no reason to be answering text messages at 5:00 am with the sounds still on. He's not very technically oriented and didn't know how to silence it, but still....5:00 am. I forgive him though. I ended up hanging with him that night too. We went to the community center and I got to have a good time with my friend Jay Dee.
Saturday I met a local transwoman named Katie. She read the article in the school paper like a lot of people did and wanted to meet me. She's a published writer and has the personality of an artist. She is very eccentric. I had a great time talking with her. She has a very intelligent, experienced point of view and shared some of her knowledge with me. It was good to meet a kindred spirit in town. I'm sure we'll meet again.
Sunday I went to the store to pick up a few things. I found a book shelf for my apartment, which is good. While i was at the store, I asked this one girl for a price on something and was just taken by her. I'm such an idiot for not saying anything then. She had the most beautiful eyes...Anyway, I went home after getting my things and started building the shelf. I realized I needed a hammer for it, and since I don't own a hammer, I had to go back to the store. I got there and went looking for my hammer and saw the girl again. I was planning on saying something to her then, and she noticed me and smiled. But everytime I was about to, she had moved somewhere else. She saw me walking around a couple times and was watching me...which made me wonder. But everytime I assume something I end up making an ass of myself. I didn't want to make it look like I was following her around, so I just bought my hammer and left. Maybe if chance has me run into her again sometime, I can say something then.
Monday was nothing special, but Tuesday was interesting. It was Laundry day, so after work I headed over there. I brought a book to read while my clothes were in the washer. So, while I'm reading during the wash, this guy interrupts me. He's like "Have you ever been driving and just realized you have some place to be?" I'm thinking "Uh oh" and said yes. He goes on to tell his story "I was driving and saw you getting your laundry out of your car and realized...I have laundry to do. I was on my way to a friend's barbeque and when I got there I told my friend "I can't stay. I have to go find some laundry to do. So I grabbed some laundry and came here, so I could talk to you." I'm thinking "Is this guy for real?" and just said "...wow". He's like "My name is 'something'" I honestly forgot his name as soon as he told me it. I'm like "Nice to meet you." He asked if I had a name and told him. He asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said no. I told him I'm "Perpetually single". He's like "depressually single?" and I'm like..."No, perpetually single, as in always". He's like "Oh". "I just can't seem to find anyone" I said. He said "Yeah, me too. I can never seem to meet the right person". I'm just like "Uh huh." He then asks if he can call me and says he'd love to take me out to dinner or for a couple drinks. Now admittedly the thing I said next was harsh. I'm not denying that, however I've been wanting to say it for a long time now, and I did it nicely. "Sorry...I date girls." He looked pretty shocked and just said "Oh". And I continued with "...which is why I can't find anyone." He paused for a second and then just said "oh...well good luck," and headed for the door. I felt bad because he really looked shocked and crushed. I said "Sorry" and he said "Oh don't be, it's ok" and left.
That was like something out of a movie. I couldn't believe the guy used such a campy story. It was immensly flattering, and I needed to hear something like that since my self-image is always low, but particularly low recently. So I laughed about it because I was so surprised by it..and then there was the story he used. I was also giddy for a while. There was another guy in the laundromat and he was like "what was that?" and I told him what happened. We both laughed. That guy was cool. I decided to leave while my clothes were drying just in case the other guy came back. Turns out, it was a good decision. When I came back to pick up my dry clothes, the cool guy was there still. He was like "You missed your friend. He came back with his hair all slicked back and was smelling up the place." I'm like "He wasn't looking for me, was he?". "I think he was. When he saw you weren't here, he just grabbed his wet clothes out of the washer and left." I laughed. What an experience.
So, that was my adventure for the week thus far. My forthcoming adventure is this Friday. I've been invited to see "Fahrenheit 9/11" with some friends. That should be cool. I'm very interested to see that film. As far as the website design goes. I only have one error in the CSS that I have to fix, and it's minor. So I'll be creating content with the new design starting today. It should be up shortly. I'm sure you're all watching with intent excitement. Anyway, on to work.