Posted on July 11th 2004, 5:07 am
It was a rough Saturday for me. A week ago Thursday I gave Jill my number. She didn't call me all weekend, and because of it, I was depressed the whole time. We talked Tuesday and all seemed well. Wednesday she disappeared. We talked a little on Thursday and I found out she never solidified her plans for coming out in this direction this weekend. I figured that would happen. I don't know why, I just had a feeling. I did ask her for her number though. Instead of giving it to me, she said she'd call me sometime in the next day or so. So I was patient and looked forward to her call.
I hung out with my friend Kevin on Friday. It was a good time. We played Worms Armageddon and went to a cafe for ice cream. He's a nice guy. I'm surprised he's single. He always tries to lift my spirits too. So, we had a good time. I didn't talk to Jill the whole day. I thought nothing of it, but a friend of mine online felt otherwise. She's a very pessimistic person, much like my mother in a way. Anyway, my friend is concerned that Jill is just stringing me along and has no real intentions towards me. I don't want to feel that way about her, but I started to doubt. The fact that she didn't call me Saturday either didn't help, nor did I see her online. Her excuse for not calling me last week I believed. She was camping and claimed her entire purse got run over by the truck her friend's boyfriend was backing up. Her phone was crushed as well as other expensive things. Now, I'm not so sure I believe that at all.
Of course recently I've been ditched and shoved aside a lot by the females I've had feelings for. Part of me wants to believe she's just busy. And the other part of me is looking at what happened a few months ago. Steph wasn't busy. she just didn't want anything to do with me. Everytime in the past week that Jill has not been where she's said she'll be, my thoughts immediately turn to that experience. Like, this past Tuesday night, she said she'd be online all of Wednesday night. After I came home from the leadership forum, I checked and she wasn't there. She didn't appear until late Thursday night. I should be saying "big deal". I'm just so damned insecure.
So I tried to just pre-occupy myself with things today. I fixed a professor's computer this morning. I made cookies this afternoon. I watched "The Princess Bride" tonight. And then, I felt myself returning to those thoughts again. This time, I decided to meditate. It's helped me in the past, and I've wanted to do more of it. So I figured, why not. I asked myself several of those questions during my meditation and tried to just listen to what my instincts were telling me. What I heard was that I need to be patient. I need to relax and let things be. What I felt was that she's not stringing me along. So I'm going to listen to that. I'm just going to relax for the rest of tonight and forget about my worries. I shouldn't even be worried anyway. Maybe she'll call tomorrow. Maybe I wont hear from her again. But, whatever happens, I'll get through it. I always do.