Posted on July 12th 2003, 8:31 am
So tonight I hung out with a small group of old high school friends. It was fun. Definitely a different event for me though. I don't normally go where there are throngs of people, most of which are consuming alcohol. But the band was really good. I had fun with the girls despite the lack of the "dancing gene." My two sisters inherited that one. So, throughout the time the band was playing, I felt like a moron.
The one thing I hate about being in large groups of people are the eyes. I'm always uncomfortable when people are looking at me. I can't tell if they realized I'm trans or not. I know some of them had to have. I'm just glad no one tried to hit me over the head or something. Hmmm...that's funny. I guess there is a bit of my mom's pessimism in me. I didn't think there was.
Oh, and yesterday was a day off....finally. I spent a lot of my day with one of the Snots. My little sister. I was surprised that she wasn't a brat all day. In fact, we had a good time. It was incredible. We went grocery shopping, played video games, made muffins, among other things. It was really a good day. Maybe there's hope for my sister and my relationship yet. Well, I'm off to bed.
Posted on July 9th 2003, 8:23 am
Well, Tuesday is now added to the list if worst days ever for me. It started bad. It rained. I woke up late. As a result, I was late to work. I worked a short day and figured it would go pretty quick. I was wrong. The day took forever. I figured bad weather would keep people at home, but no, they still came in throngs. Rarely down time at all. So, ok...I started in an ok mood. Then, After thinking about the new girl that I have a crush on, I got depressed. It's just the "I know I can't do anything about it" thing that always gets me down when I'm attracted to someone. So...while I'm in that mood, some of the worst customers I've ever had come through my line.
I got bitched at by this one customer for not checking her signature on her credit card. She apparently had it stolen a while back. First off, half the customers don't even show me their card. Second off, it's not my fault she lost her card. Third off, she's the irresponsible one who lost it in the first place, so she shouldn't blame me. She was the beginning of a string of bad ones. One old lady got pissed because I took her hangers off the clothes she was buying, despite that being policy and she didn't tell me she wanted them until after they were off. Then she made sure I folded them perfectly. After that, she bitched cause I asked for ID on her check. Then, because the check was over $200, I had to get it approved by a supervisor. She was just not happy. I better move on to the next thing, cause customers could fill up this whole thing if I wanted to.
So, after the depression, I just got annoyed and angry. I just wanted to go home, and time was moving slow. When they did let me out, it was late. So, I felt the need to play a video game with violence after that. It's a nice way to blow off steam. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. So, I bought "Enter the Matrix" for PC. I take it home and spend forever installing it. When I started playing, my fears were confirmed that my computer can't handle the game. I tried to play anyway until a sound glitch prevented me from playing anymore. So disappointing. For dinner, I had reheated leftovers...wonderful. I decided to call some people after that. No one was home. So I gave thought to calling the girl I fell in love with two years ago now. We try to keep in touch. I hadn't talked to her for 3 or 4 months. So I call, she's not home, but will be soon. So I wait. I putz around for a while. Then, I finally call her back. She picks up and says "Hi, sorry, I'm on a long distance phone call with my fiancee. Can you call back later?" I said sure as the last thread of attachment to her snaps.
Now, I haven't seen this girl for two years. I've been over her for quite a while now, but for some reason, this really affected me. When I got off the phone, I was slightly shocked. Then I felt the pain. I started bawling. Very quickly it passed the sobbing stage. I went online to try to talk to my best friend. He helped me to calm down and stop crying, but it hurt. It's a strange feeling. This relationship has taken a long time to pass. When she first moved away, the axe hit the tree the first time. When she decided not to move back here, the axe hit the second time. When she didn't move back for the summer, like she said she was going to, it hit the third time. When she told me that she would have married me had I asked, it hit the fourth time. And tonight, it hit the fifth time, and now, the tree has fell. The relationship has closure for once. It's a good thing I guess....but it hurts all the same.
After talking to my best friend online, I decided I needed to go outside and get some fresh air. As I left, I discovered that God is still looking after me despite the faith that I've lost these past months. My cell phone rang when I was about 15 feet away from the house. It was an old high school friend that I had run into a few days before. She and I talked for a long time. She listened to all my woes and was very comforting. I knew I wouldn't have gotten any sympathy from my immediate family. They're terrible like that. So I was so glad she called. By the end of the conversation, I felt ok. In fact, I felt even somewhat happy. So, I thank God for her. So, hopefully my upcoming days will be better. They better be, or I'm going to be taking it out on a lot of people. Now I'm off to bed. Work in the morning. G'night.
Posted on July 8th 2003, 8:01 am
So, today and I guess since summer began, I've been running into old high school or family friends. Each time I see someone I knew, I feel a nervous chill shoot down my back. It's a cool sensation. I feel excited and slightly afraid at the same time. If they recognize me, it's not nearly as much fun. It's more fun to surprise the people. No matter what thus far I have gotten great reactions.
Usually its "WOW! I didn't even recognize you. How are you? You look great." I find the last part funny because I don't see it so much. I see the remaining beard shadow, the adams apple, the muscle and lack of chest, but hey, I take the compliments, no problems. I always get good responses though. People seem genuinely happy to see me and have no issues with me at all. That truely surprises me and makes me very happy. Thus far, I've really enjoyed running into people I haven't seen.
I guess that is certainly a good sign. Years ago, trans people would be shot if they were discovered. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I don't know. I'm just glad I live in this day and age, and not any earlier. Well, I'm off to bed. More work in the morning. It never ends. See ya.
Posted on July 5th 2003, 5:40 am
I think so far, my voice has been ok. However, I think it still needs work. I get a lot of practice with it since I use it all day at work with customers. Rarely does anyone question it, but I feel uncomfortable with it. It sounds ok, but I don't have the range to modulate like the average girl. By that, I mean I'm too monotone. Plus, I feel there's too much breathiness. My voice trainer at school told me I want that sound. But personally, I don't. I feel it sounds fake...at least to me it does. I want the clarity that I hear in every woman's voice that comes through my line. Plus, I want to speak more naturally. I didn't really have to go back to the voice clinic in the fall, but I definitely will. Hey, why not if it's free.
OK, now to complaining. I'm going to compile a list of everything I wish customers didn't do when checking out and eventually post it on here. I can already think of quite a few things that bother me right now, but I'll save it for later. Also, we started a new game today. It's called "Count the Mullets." We get so many people who fail to realize how out of style the mullet is, if it was ever in style. So I thought it would be a fun thing to pass the time with. Whoever can count the most in one day wins.
Well, that's it for tonight. Time for sleep....zzzzzzz.