Posted on September 25th 2003, 6:28 am
Ok, it's been a long and busy week thus far. I haven't had a night free since......last week sometime. I think Tonight....as in Thursday night...I may get some time off...depending on if I have to shoot some footage for the intro to one of our in-house productions or not. If not, then it's relax, watch Kenshin, do some homework....yeah. Easy night. I think I'll write about it then. So, I just wrote this entry quick so you'd all know I'm not dead.....yet. This school thing may kill me just yet. I have a job interview tomorrow that possibly give me a job forcing me to get up earlier and get to work before classes. Yuck yuck...but I need that cash. I'm getting to bed. G'night all.
Posted on September 20th 2003, 8:02 am
I've had a strange couple of days. Kinda slowly went down the depression slide over the course of the two days. Thursday I read an article in the school paper that really got me thinking. It was about a college senior that committed suicide this past week. He had been diagnosed with Obsessive/Compulsive disorder a long time ago. However, it didn't stop him from making tons of friends. He seemed to have touched everyone's life in a positive way. He apparently didn't know how loved he was. The majority of the article was of all his friends and acqaintences remembering and speaking their love for their friend. He had touched so many lives...it was just so sad. It made me think about how many lives I've touched. Now, I've never attempted suicide, and I actually haven't even thought about it since before HRT, but it just made me wonder what would have been said if it had been me. Who would miss me, who would I hurt by taking the easy way out?
The rest of thursday wasn't too exciting. It rained. I enjoyed the peaceful night though. I didn't have a whole lot to do for Friday. It was relaxing. I don't get to experience that too often anymore. However, I also figured out my finances and started paying bills. This scared me. After rent for next month combined with my bills, I'll literally have about 20 bucks. I'm getting kind of scared. I'm not sure I'll be able to eat soon. I've been trying to get a job, but nothing has really come my way yet. I did have an interview today, but it doesn't look like it's really going to bring in much. Plus, I'll be bored as hell doing that job too. It's way below my skills, and the guy interviewing me said so too. So yeah, I really don't want to have to bug my parents for money either. I see them in a week.
Anyway, Friday hit and it was a pretty easy day. However, Slowly but surely the happiness level started dropping. I don't know what started it, I just know it happened. I felt very lonely all day. When I came home, I ate dinner and watched some of Rorouni Kenshin, and I think even that helped with the depression. There was a party for my campus job tonight. For a while, I didn't really want to go. I was just not feeling up to it, but I told my friends from work that I'd be there. So, I just went anyway. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Though, when a large group of people showed up doubling the amount of people there, I was really uncomfortable. I seem to get that way. I'm just not comfortable in large groups. So I went to where there were the least amount of people and relaxed playing a video game for a while.
I just felt so separate from everyone. I wasn't in any mood to dance or anything. I can't drink. I'm not confident enough with my voice to yell or even talk loud. I'm self conscious about my appearance still. I know everyone is pretty much uncomfortable with getting too close to me. Though, I guess I really don't know there. My guess is that I fit in more than I think I do. People tell me I'm cool and they love me and all, but I guess I just feel like if I got into a situation, they really wouldn't stand by me. Maybe I just need more faith in them. I don't know. I just know that I feel alone despite the large groups of people.
Many times tonight I was reminded of what I am. There's all these genetic girls there, all wearing their sexy clothing and talking and stuff. And then there's me, I'm wearing a baby doll tee with a sweatshirt over it....nothing special, and I'm talking about an octave lower than all of them. I stand out so much. I hate that. And most likely I stand out only to me, but it still bothers me. So, that's where I am right now. I just hope tomorrow brings better things. My sixth laser treatment is tomorrow. Don't ask how I'm paying for it. I don't know either. I'll report on that tomorrow. I'm off to bed now though. G'night.
Posted on September 17th 2003, 7:24 am
Today was a really full day. I've now actually started working at my job in the production staff at the station. I not only had a full day of classes, I also had to go help with the production of one of the in house shows for a couple hours. After that was the LGBT meeting that went another two hours. After that I finally got some fun time. All the cool people in the LGBT went out to eat at a local restaurant. It was a blast. I made a bunch of new friends and we most likely made the other patrons of the restaurant very uncomfortable. I believe there was an Amish family and your average three kid family there too. They left halfway through our visit. You could taste the apprehension in the air from people outside our group. We really didn't care and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a great time.
The best part of the whole thing is that we are only two weeks into the semester. I think in that time, I've doubled the size of my support group. Now I have people who give me hugs whenever I want and that can at least somewhat relate to me. It's so early in the year too. By the end of it, I'll have lifelong new friends. I think tonight was a taste of things to come. I think that even though I'll be busy as all hell over the next school year, I am going to have the greatest school year ever. I'll have to follow up on that in May.
I'm also very excited about tomorrow. It's my first voice lesson for this semester. We'll see what they have to suggest for me now that I've been speaking feminine for months. Also, my sixth laser treatment was moved up to Saturday. So, as of then, I'll be flat broke. Isn't that fun? But anyway, I should get some studying done before bedtime. I'll write soon. Good night.
Posted on September 12th 2003, 8:18 am
Tonight was yet another good night. I had a "listening party" with a girl from my music theory class. We were intending on studying since she's a little behind in class. However, she and I ended up talking for hours. She had no idea I was trans, but had learned the other day from me that my name had changed at one point. She asked then why, but I told her I'd tell her at the party. So, that's what happened. She couldn't wait much longer before asking me about my name.
So I told her, and she was surprised and shocked....in a good way. She was totally not expecting that. She didn't even realize how much of a compliment it was. So we talked for a couple hours. Then we went to a local place to see a band play. It was one of the cooler bands I've ever seen. I thought it was awesome. I actually danced. That's amazing. The group was called "Madison Greene" and they had a very cool style. I'd watch them again.
After the band and everything, she and I hung for a while and talked a little more. I knew she was straight before I got to know her though. No surprises there. She's a really cool person and I hope becomes a great or even best friend. I couldn't be happier if she did. OK, well after all that excitement, I need some sleep. G'night all.
Posted on September 11th 2003, 7:37 am
Wednesday was a really great day. I went to my first class, and learned that my professor basically goes over all the reading in class thus removing the need to read as much. After class there was a big campus organizations bash on the campus mall. I decided to find the LGBT booth and say hi. Well, I ended up spending two hours there. It was a grand ol' time. I met a lot of people and got a lot of hugs. Everyone there was giving me compliments stuff too. It felt so good to be loved instead of feared.
I was also happy to be introduced to several lesbian girls. That was nice. I need more of those in my life. Hehe. Yeah, anyway, the anime appreciation booth was a couple tables down. So I spent a lot of time switching between both groups. I'm a big fan of both. I made a lot of friends. I think I'll actually go to meetings now. That's something I've had no desire to do for quite some time now. So yeah, good times.
Later, I got to go to my campus job. That wasn't so bad either. I got to see a lot of old friends, and have a good time. The free food was good too. After the open house was over, I got to do my homework on the job. My brain was a bit tired cause the day was so energetic, I was worn out. I had trouble focusing on my work, but I think it was worth it. I'm so happy to be back at school. The homework doesn't bother me. However, if I don't get to bed now, I'm going to pass out tomorrow at some point. So, with that, good night.