All I have to say is, I can't wait till this winter break when I get my kitty. Being at home on nights like tonight, all by myself....I can't take it. I need someone here. Phone calls and messengers are nice and all, but they still leave me feeling distant. I love the nights I get to spend with people so much. I wish every night could be Tuesday night, so I could spend more time with my friends from the LGBT. I love that group so much. I tried calling my friend Gary tonight, but he wasn't around.

Aside from Gary and the LGBT, the rest of my friends really make me feel like I'm just a waste of time. Like, they'll acknowledge me when they have to, but aside from that, I feel brushed off and ignored most of the time. Just further proof that people are uncomfortable with the trans-girl. I'm so grateful for the real friends I have. Life would be pretty much unbearable without them. I don't know if they know that, but I'll have to show them in some way. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Luv,

Jess

I've recently decided that I really don't want to put all the stupid little details of what I did the past week in here. Plus, I looked at some friends blogs and saw that I'm really friggin lazy with mine. My friend Rachael here writes in hers, though not much in some of the entries, several times a day. The entries are more thought provoking than mine have been lately too. So I think I'll actually have more fun and post some interesting stuff. Though, I know I will be happier after this semester is over and the new version of the diary script is in place. These blogs will be more personal then.

So, this weekend I got to meet my friend Gary's family. They are really awesome. The one thing about them that really impresses me is that they are Catholic and yet extremely open minded and accepting. They truly believe that judgement is not their job. They also have a very liberal view on Bible interpretation just like me. Apparently their preist preaches the same principles. That amazed me. I would have never thought that would happen. I guess that's my stereotype of Catholicism kicking in. I think my best friend from school has strengthened that stereotype for me over the years.

I think the biggest thing for me this past weekend was that I for once didn't feel ashamed to believe in God like I once did. I think maybe the healing process for my faith is really moving now. Now that I know there are Christians out there that support me and my cause, I don't feel so alone anymore. Maybe someday I'll be able to believe again. I don't think it'll be the same way as I once did, but I think that's a good thing. I've matured spiritually enough to know better than simply following blindly. I think when I come out of this slump, I'll have a stronger faith than I had before. No one will get in my way.

The other cool thing about this weekend was Emily. She's a girl that goes to my school here and for a while had a thing for Gary. We're good friends now. She's so cool and comfortable around me. I know she's not a lesbian, and so does she, but that's ok. This weekend, while watching a movie with Gary's family. She and I cuddled. It was nice. I haven't experienced that in ages. I really like the new friends I've made. I think I've found some new lifelong friends. At least, I hope so. Well, I'll try to write more frequently even if it's not so in depth as this entry. Maybe later tonight then. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Before actually getting into the weekend, my endocrinologist appointment was last week. She took my measurements and such. My weight still hasn't changed. No surprise there. As far as my measurements in the chestolic region, I did see development. However, the development isn't very much at all. My hips grew an extra half inch as well. Because of my extremely slow development, my doc prescribed me provera now. That brings my drugs up to 4 a day. Fun Fun. So now I'm on Progesterone as well. The "PMS" Hormone. I may get really moody. I don't know yet. We will see. I haven't noticed any changes yet, but it's too early to say anything.

Halloween was fun. I wore my princess costume again. I'll be putting up some of these pictures soon. Maybe tonight even, we'll see. I went to a party on Friday night at a friends house. It wasn't like the normal college parties. We didn't drink anything but soda. There weren't a whole lot of us there, but it was more personal and fun that way. I ended up staying until around 6:00 am. We were going to go out and hand out candy to kids as they were trick or treating, but it was just too damn cold. We got to the end of the block and we were shivering. So we all turned around and went back home. Still though, it was fun.

Saturday I slept late...as usual for my weekends. I went straight to the football game. The entire marching band was freezing in the bleachers. We were roudy and had a good time to keep warm. We sounded like crap because of it too. I made some fun mistakes during the half time show too. Figures after not doing it for two weeks. Thankfully, we got to go home early. After that, I had some video work to do that night. I got to get into the Hockey game for free to shoot some footage for a promotion. It was packed and loud. The team was kicking ass too. Way different than last year. I caught some great shots on camera. They're definitely going into the promo. It was a good time. After that, I had some editing to do, and finally left at 11:30 pm. Then, I headed over to friend's house again where I stayed until 6:00 am....again. I swear I'm an idiot.

Sunday I woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon to my dad calling me with a computer problem. I troubleshot it in my half awake state, and solved the problem. After that I kinda wasted time until the meeting I had to be at, then spent a little bit of time editing after the meeting. I ordered pizza, had a different friend over and watched stupid stuff till late. I couldn't fall asleep at 2:00 when I tried to get sleep due to my stupidity at staying up late the night before. Surprisingly, I'm doing ok this morning. It's going to be a busy two days though. Actually, this whole week is busy. I think I'll make it though. Tomorrow is my next presentation. I'm no where near prepared. We'll see what I can pull together tonight and tomorrow.

Oh, one more quick thing before I go. I'm really happy about this. Friday I got a paper back in my Mass Media History class. It had my current grade for the class on it too. I kicked major ass. After my first exam at a B-, I have successfully hit a B+ overall, with an A- around the corner. I'm going to get an A if it kills me....which it better not. Anyway, back to work. I'll write soon.

Luv,

Jessica

Wow, what a fun week and a half. I've been all over the place. Last week was a short week of school. We had Friday off for "Fall Break". One day....incredible. I don't understand why it's called a break. We should at least get four days off for a break. That should be a law or something. Anyway, On Wednesday last week, I was officially and individually invited to a Halloween party about three hours away. So, Friday, after work, I headed out there.

Turns out, the party wasn't much of a party. It was more of a meeting with some people dressed up. It was definitely informative, but not really fun so much. I felt very out of place too. I was about 20 years younger than most of the people there. It was just awkward for me since I spend almost all of my time with 20-some year olds. That night, I ended up sleeping at one of the group member's homes. It was again, awkward. I didn't really relate to this person. She was nice, and very accomodating, but we just didn't connect. I also got the sense she doesn't have company over that often or get out much. But hey, I was grateful.

Saturday I drove out to a different town to visit some friends. Turns out they were having a party Saturday night. So I joined them. This time, it was a blast. We watched old cheezy horror films, like "Reanimator" with Jeffrey Combs. I slept there that night and had the company of a couple kitties. If I could, I would have taken Otto kitty home with me. He's so adorable. Plus, I want a kitty anyway. Too bad I can't have that one. Saturday night just rocked over all though. I'm really glad I got to go.

Sunday I basically spent most of in the car. I drove all the way back home, which was about four hours. It wasn't so exciting.

Monday rolled around and it was definitely a strange day. I wasn't exhausted like I usually am, since I got over 2 hours of sleep that night. All day I was alert and didn't fall asleep in class. The most amazing part is that when I got home, and after I ate....I did homework! Can you believe it. I actually got all my homework done for the next day. I haven't done that since my first week of classes. Then, I got 8 hours of sleep for Tuesday! Two completely odd events happening in the same night. Weird.

Tuesday was great. All my classes were fine, but it was the LGBT meeting that was the best. It was lesbian film night. We watched "Better than Chocolate" which was very cute. There was a hot redhead in it. Anyway, we had a lot of laughs, as usual. I also learned that one of the officers positions will be open in the Spring. I'm really thinking of running. I think it'd be a cool opportunity. On top of that, there was this new girl there. She introduced herself to me, and I was quite surprised by that. She's a cutie.

After the movie, we all went out to Perkins again. I have a car, so I drove people. She was one of the people I drove. It's the "after meeting" party that we usually have now. Well, this girl sat across from me at the table. We joked and talked all night. She seemed like she was really enjoying herself. I suppose though, I also had the benefit of having the most annoying person sitting to her right as well. So I probably was incredibly intruiging then. But anyway, when it came time to head back home, we all headed to the cars again. Funny though, the other two people I was taking besides her seemed to "coincidentally" find other rides. So it was just her and me in the car. We chatted the whole way home while I contemplated giving her my number. When we got to her place, I suggested she come with the LGBT people to our Halloween party on Friday. She almost turned me down. She told me she had talked to her friends about going to the gay bar in town, but wants to go with us too. She then asked me for my number...which totally saved me the trouble of giving it out. So yeah, I'm still waiting for a call. I really hope it comes too. We will see.

Today was nothing special, just went really quickly. I wont get into detail cause yesterday was so much cooler. So yeah, I have to see my endocrinologist tomorrow morning. She's going to take measurements. So, if I haven't seen any real development, we have to discuss options. I'm kind of worried. I'll write something tomorrow about it. Hopefully I can write about a phone call as well. Alright then, off to bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica

Wow, I've been lazy. It's been a week now, but I suppose that's expected when my computer is broken. As of Friday I finally got new parts and it's up and running. Though, it is running a bit warm. I can't put the side of the case back on unless I want the processor to melt. I'm trying to figure out how to fix that right now. It may be a while before it's back to 100%.

OK so back to about a week ago. The presentation to the LGBT went wonderfully. Everyone seemed to really enjoy what I had to say and asked a lot of questions. Overall, it was a good time. We had a lot of laughs. Afterwards we all went to the local Perkins for food. It was a big long table of around 15 of us. We were there until midnight. It was then that I really started bonding with more people in the group. As a direct result of that, I hung out with some of them on a non-LGBT night too. That was fun as well.

As far as the girl that I gave my number to goes, she didn't show. She told me she was going to be there and bring some of her friends along, but she didn't. Everytime someone walked into the meeting that night, I turned to look to see if it was her. Apparently she's not really all that interested I guess. After that night though, I learned that she's not really all that quality of a person anyway. She looks at lesbianism as a novelty. Some of the people there question whether she even is gay at all. So I'm thinking she's not worth the trouble. I'll still do the speaking thing she asked me to. That's totally cool. I'm actually excited about it, but no thanks on the relationship.

Wednesday morning, one of the people from the LGBT...the only one I don't like...came and sat down at my table where I was studying and eating my breakfast. She then proceeded to comment on my presentation in a very confusing manner. I really wasn't exactly sure what she was trying to say to me, but I was sure she wasn't at all positive. She basically attacked me with her close mindedness. I felt like I was being attacked by a Christian, even though she wasn't. It was very annoying to say the least. I was happy when a really cool friend of mine came over and sat down too, then proceeded to take over the conversation. She knew I wasn't so happy about bitchy lady. I told several members of the LGBT what happened, and now they all don't like her either. Not that they liked her before or anything. It's just more official now. It's good to know I have people backing me up on things like this.

The one thing I noticed about having no computer, I got lots of sleep. It was very nice. I felt very prepared for my days and well rested. That stupid computer of mine wasn't there to keep me awake. I'll need to find a way to work around that problem of it keeping me up somehow. I ended up having to spent about $150 thus far to fix it. I think I'll need to spend a little more though. I'm not sure what yet.

This weekend was interesting. For once I went out and had fun on a Saturday night. Unfortunately I stayed up way too late talking with those friends though. I didn't get to sleep until 7:00 am on Sunday morning. I slept until 3:30 and because of it, got no sleep practically last night. I went to bed at 3:00 wide awake. It took a while to fall asleep. I think I got around 2 hours. I don't feel all that bad though. I guess I'm not complaining that much. Well, I think I better get back to work though. I've been writing this the whole time I've been at my job for the past two hours. I love getting paid for doing whatever. I'll write soon. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica