Posted on October 6th 2003, 4:04 pm
So yeah, last week sucked. It was exam week and Homecoming week. Both of these made last week very trying. The good thing is that I'm pretty sure I did well on all the exams. Also, the homecoming parade and show went great. I'm glad to know I'm respected as a musician and a marcher in the band in that they put me in the front row on the far left. It's a point that everyone sees and the rest of the band has to guide to. So yeah...I rock.
Last week was a long week though. I never had enough sleep and was getting slowly and slowly more depressed as the week went on. My loneliness was creeping up on me, despite the friends I have. I was wanting a more personal, intimate relationship....still am. Figures, I'm doing so great with everything else. School, Work, Life, Friends....even money is starting to look ok too, but that issue is just sweeping in and knocking me to the ground. I'm sure I'll be ok. I'm a trooper.
I am such a loser though. I spent my entire weekend that I wasn't marching during working on a midi file that would eventually become a ringtone for my phone. When I wasn't working on the midi file, I was working on a way to get it onto my phone. In the end, I succeeded. The Rorouni Kenshin song "Heart of Sword" is now my ringtone. I'm pretty proud of it. I actually set up a WAP internet site with files on it so my phone could download it too. That's how much of a dork I am. It's pathetic really.
On other dorky notes, tomorrow I start working on the new diary design. For my JAVA programming class, I suggested to the professor that we make a live journal script for our class project. After we discussed some things about it, he thought it would be an excellent idea. So, the new design will involve separate pages for each person writing a weblog or diary on the site. It'll be more like say...LiveJournal.com or something. It'll be more personal. That'll be nice. And it'll be mine...all mine...mwahahaha. (lightning and thunderclap).
On a very stupid / funny note, this morning I was hanging with the other trans girl on campus. We were talking about random things, and at one point I said I wanted to get some slut boots. She misheard me and said "Slug Boots?" We laughed for a long time....since we have so much estrogen, it was amplified quite a bit. I probably laughed for a good fifteen to twenty minutes at such a stupid thing. She then proceeded to draw the Slug Boots in her notebook, which caused more laughter. It took quite a while to calm down. All in all, it was a good time.
Oh yeah, here's another interesting story. So, I seem to have a gay boy interested in me. He is confused as to how he feels and knows that it's odd. He's scared as to what that means if he does have feelings for me. How does that work? A gay boy and a trans girl? I don't think I've ever heard of that before. But yeah, I'll write more as things progress with that.
Well, I think I better stop with this entry considering I'm starting to push Lauren off the entry page. I should get to doing some sort of work at my job too. I've been writing this at work. It's nice. I'm getting paid to work on my website. Well, I'm off.
Posted on September 30th 2003, 5:22 am
I am so exhausted today. So much crap happened this weekend, and I haven't even written about last week yet. Ug...guess I better get started. So last weekend...way back when, I spent a lot of time finishing a project on Saturday. Sunday was a meeting and afterwards a TG friend of mine from the local area asked to get together. Her wife left due to issues with the relationship and the transgender issues. So, she needed to talk. I did my best to listen. I've never been married, or I guess even in a long term relationship, but I can offer advice and support as best I can. And I did. I just hope it helped.
That same night, I got a random e-mail from a local person. This person is my age and is also transgendered. I had heard about her through the electrolysis clinic in town, but never met her. So I e-mailed back and we started chatting. On that monday, we got together and talked. Turns out I knew her from before, just never knew she was trans. It was really great to finally meet a local girl like me. I think we'll become good friends. There's this bit of discomfort right now that I sense, but that's expected I think. In a sense, it's like we don't know how to act around each other. I don't really know what to make of it, but I'm sure it'll be fine.
The rest of the week was filled with school work and my job. The only exception was that I had a job interview on Thursday. It went really well...like, really well. The interview was at 8:00 am. By 11:15 they had offered me the job. That was awesome. Friday I went in to fill out paperwork and had a great talk with my new boss. She knew I was trans, and she was totally ok with that. She had a professor years ago that was TS and she knew all about it from that. She said if I ever needed help, her and the other supervisors would be there for me. It's great to know that sort of thing.
The weekend brought on some interesting things. Friday night I had to rush and get a project done for work again, as well as prepare for Saturday. It was a rush all night. Saturday was my uncle's wedding. I had to drive out to a different city to go to it. It literally took the entire day. It was fun, and depressing too. I won't get into that, I'll probably just cry again. Yeah, I drove home from that really really late and almost fell asleep at the wheel. Sunday was a looooong day with my job. Four hours worth of being at a meeting. It was a fun meeting, but still....long time.
Monday, being today, I had to get up early...like 5:30 am. My first day of work started at 7:00. Sunday night I couldn't get to sleep. I didn't fall asleep until 3:00 am or so. So after you do the math, I got about 2 and a half hours of sleep last night. I am very tired. I worked three hours, then had my first exam of the school year. Surprisingly, despite my lack of sleep, I think I did well. I had to do homework inbetween classes since I had no time over the weekend to do it. Then, I had another test. That was fun. After that class was a meeting with a financial aid person to figure out how I can afford to live this next year. Then, Japanese...I thought we had a test, but turns out it's tomorrow. Thank god. After band, I finally got to go home. So here I am. Completely exhausted....why am I writing this...I should be sleeping. You know, I think I will go sleep now....Good Night.
Posted on September 25th 2003, 6:28 am
Ok, it's been a long and busy week thus far. I haven't had a night free since......last week sometime. I think Tonight....as in Thursday night...I may get some time off...depending on if I have to shoot some footage for the intro to one of our in-house productions or not. If not, then it's relax, watch Kenshin, do some homework....yeah. Easy night. I think I'll write about it then. So, I just wrote this entry quick so you'd all know I'm not dead.....yet. This school thing may kill me just yet. I have a job interview tomorrow that possibly give me a job forcing me to get up earlier and get to work before classes. Yuck yuck...but I need that cash. I'm getting to bed. G'night all.
Posted on September 20th 2003, 8:02 am
I've had a strange couple of days. Kinda slowly went down the depression slide over the course of the two days. Thursday I read an article in the school paper that really got me thinking. It was about a college senior that committed suicide this past week. He had been diagnosed with Obsessive/Compulsive disorder a long time ago. However, it didn't stop him from making tons of friends. He seemed to have touched everyone's life in a positive way. He apparently didn't know how loved he was. The majority of the article was of all his friends and acqaintences remembering and speaking their love for their friend. He had touched so many lives...it was just so sad. It made me think about how many lives I've touched. Now, I've never attempted suicide, and I actually haven't even thought about it since before HRT, but it just made me wonder what would have been said if it had been me. Who would miss me, who would I hurt by taking the easy way out?
The rest of thursday wasn't too exciting. It rained. I enjoyed the peaceful night though. I didn't have a whole lot to do for Friday. It was relaxing. I don't get to experience that too often anymore. However, I also figured out my finances and started paying bills. This scared me. After rent for next month combined with my bills, I'll literally have about 20 bucks. I'm getting kind of scared. I'm not sure I'll be able to eat soon. I've been trying to get a job, but nothing has really come my way yet. I did have an interview today, but it doesn't look like it's really going to bring in much. Plus, I'll be bored as hell doing that job too. It's way below my skills, and the guy interviewing me said so too. So yeah, I really don't want to have to bug my parents for money either. I see them in a week.
Anyway, Friday hit and it was a pretty easy day. However, Slowly but surely the happiness level started dropping. I don't know what started it, I just know it happened. I felt very lonely all day. When I came home, I ate dinner and watched some of Rorouni Kenshin, and I think even that helped with the depression. There was a party for my campus job tonight. For a while, I didn't really want to go. I was just not feeling up to it, but I told my friends from work that I'd be there. So, I just went anyway. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Though, when a large group of people showed up doubling the amount of people there, I was really uncomfortable. I seem to get that way. I'm just not comfortable in large groups. So I went to where there were the least amount of people and relaxed playing a video game for a while.
I just felt so separate from everyone. I wasn't in any mood to dance or anything. I can't drink. I'm not confident enough with my voice to yell or even talk loud. I'm self conscious about my appearance still. I know everyone is pretty much uncomfortable with getting too close to me. Though, I guess I really don't know there. My guess is that I fit in more than I think I do. People tell me I'm cool and they love me and all, but I guess I just feel like if I got into a situation, they really wouldn't stand by me. Maybe I just need more faith in them. I don't know. I just know that I feel alone despite the large groups of people.
Many times tonight I was reminded of what I am. There's all these genetic girls there, all wearing their sexy clothing and talking and stuff. And then there's me, I'm wearing a baby doll tee with a sweatshirt over it....nothing special, and I'm talking about an octave lower than all of them. I stand out so much. I hate that. And most likely I stand out only to me, but it still bothers me. So, that's where I am right now. I just hope tomorrow brings better things. My sixth laser treatment is tomorrow. Don't ask how I'm paying for it. I don't know either. I'll report on that tomorrow. I'm off to bed now though. G'night.
Posted on September 17th 2003, 7:24 am
Today was a really full day. I've now actually started working at my job in the production staff at the station. I not only had a full day of classes, I also had to go help with the production of one of the in house shows for a couple hours. After that was the LGBT meeting that went another two hours. After that I finally got some fun time. All the cool people in the LGBT went out to eat at a local restaurant. It was a blast. I made a bunch of new friends and we most likely made the other patrons of the restaurant very uncomfortable. I believe there was an Amish family and your average three kid family there too. They left halfway through our visit. You could taste the apprehension in the air from people outside our group. We really didn't care and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a great time.
The best part of the whole thing is that we are only two weeks into the semester. I think in that time, I've doubled the size of my support group. Now I have people who give me hugs whenever I want and that can at least somewhat relate to me. It's so early in the year too. By the end of it, I'll have lifelong new friends. I think tonight was a taste of things to come. I think that even though I'll be busy as all hell over the next school year, I am going to have the greatest school year ever. I'll have to follow up on that in May.
I'm also very excited about tomorrow. It's my first voice lesson for this semester. We'll see what they have to suggest for me now that I've been speaking feminine for months. Also, my sixth laser treatment was moved up to Saturday. So, as of then, I'll be flat broke. Isn't that fun? But anyway, I should get some studying done before bedtime. I'll write soon. Good night.