With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself

very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster

to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members

and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my

transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've

also had to confront my own prejudices. And now... I find myself thinking "What

am I doing here?"

Why am I working for a realty support company writing home

show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing

that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly

more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to

be heard...that can truly help people understand gender and understand

themselves. Why am I not doing that?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of

ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various

creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So...without my current

level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't

so, but it is.

So that leads me to my next thought...is there a way of doing what

needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if

my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on

the verge of starting could sell. But...the problem is that I won't see any of

that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?

Hooray! My computer is functioning again!! Now all I need to do is get the like-new laptop working! More on this later. For now it's sleepy time. :) G'night.

~Jess

The working world is fun, exciting, and mundane. I'm enjoying it so far. I think the time will come when I don't enjoy it so much, but right now I'm just happy to be employed. It's really nice to not have to worry about income so much anymore. Though, my parents keep throwing things at me that they think I should pay for. For example, they want me to sign for some life insurance, they think I should enroll in 401k too. All of these things are important, but my income per month drops effectively because of it. I am quickly seeing my monthly income move from ok to...hmmm...where'd my money go? I'm more concerned right now with paying my debt off than I am about my retirement.

Speaking of the life insurance policy, here's a little of trans related frustration. I have certain medical conditions that make life insurance difficult to get. For example, I have a kidney problem that is often not allowable under the companies out there. So finding any sort of coverage is difficult at best. They also don't like me being trans. Finally a plan was found that will cover me, but only under my birth sex. I looked at the information today, and every time I looked at the "Male" printed at the top, I got angry.

In the state I live in, my birth certificate can, and has already been changed to reflect my current gender. Social security says the same as my birth certificate. Legally in all respects I am considered female. So I don't understand how they can say I can't for the life of me understand how they can claim my birth sex as male, when all legal documents say otherwise. Furthermore, would a black person be willing to sign for a policy if it the insurer stated that they have to be insured as a white person? I mean really...I view this as discrimination in the insurance world. I don't think I'll take the policy because of it. It's a lack of respect for me and my community, and it's plain bullshit. I refuse to be called later on in life saying "This is so and so from such and such life insurance, can I please speak to Mr. Anderson?" and me having to go...this is HER!!!!! Fucking insurance company...

Let's see...other news...ah yes, one of the reaons I haven't gotten very far on fixing the site's problems is because of work exhaustion. I get home at 6:00 pmish and I just feel tanked as far as my energy goes. I get nothing done, including writing entries in here. I'm hoping that changes soon, but considering my parents energy... I doubt it will. So we'll see. I used to do so much, and I am going to make sure I can continue to do a lot.

One of my coworkers, Mikie, wants to make a film. I'm all upons that. I am looking to buy a several thousand dollar camera this summer to make said film. We're not sure exactly what the film will be about, but it'll be a fun project regardless. I'm looking forward to it, and to buying the camera. It may be expensive, but it'll be loads of fun to use all the time.

So far I've come out to three coworkers about my sexual orientation. One of those knows about my gender identity and such. It's kinda weird not having coworkers know. I'm not used to being "Stealth", and I'm not really interested in being stealth either. That being said, it hasn't come up. If it does come up, I'll be very open about it. No one's asked though. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all posted.

One of the things I'm contemplating doing for this site is a video podcast on a weekly basis. I think I want to discuss some issues of gender and talk about other gendered people. I think I'll view each week as a documentary of sorts. Chris and I want to do a full length documentary. I think that'll be a year long project too. I'm looking forward to that for sure.

Speaking of Chris, we've declared March 24th to be Blarthog. Blarthog is the Tamaranian festival of friendship. If anyone is a fan of Teen Titans, you'll know about this holiday. Starfire is an alien from the planet Tamaran. We're geeks...we know. It'll be fun though. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm making a three day weekend out of it. I'll post more about it with pictures and such later.

Well, it's shower time. I'll write more perhaps tomorrow, or hopefully later in the week. I had more to write, but I can't remember it right now. When it comes to me, I'll write more. See ya.

~J

It's two days past my birthday, and you can guess by the title what the surprise birthday present was. That's right...I have an awesome girlfriend. She got me a Nintendo Wii. I was pretty blown away. I guess I did spoil her on her birthday...but still I wasn't expecting the Nintendo. She and I have talked about getting one, but I never asked for it for my birthday from anyone. I thought it was basically too much money and too hard to get. I guess I was wrong.

Yeah I've already wasted several hours of my life on that thing. I only have Wii Sports...the game that comes with it, but golf, tennis, boxing, baseball, and bowling are still a lot of fun. I even got my dad to play with me. I even went out of my way to get a second Wiimote. So i can play two player games now. I have no reason to have a gamecube anymore. Anyone want it?

Anyway, moving backwards in time now...Valentine's day was nice. I was shocked around 10 am by a delivery man. He said..."Hello" while my back was turned. I turned around and he shoved a big box in my face from a flower shop followed by a "Here ya go". I was pretty flabbergasted. I opened them to find a dozen red roses with a red vase and chocolates. The card didn't have Tracy's name on it, but it was clearly from her. It just said "I love you. Happy Valentine's Day." on it. She told me later that she wasn't sure if she should put her name on it because I'm not out to my coworkers yet. I appreciated that. I will come out to them on my own time.

At the end of the day I went and picked up her present: A giant teddy bear and a lily, which happens to be her favorite flower. Yes...I know she spent more on me. I didn't have any money then. I hadn't gotten my first paycheck yet. Stop pestering me about it! ;P We went to see a movie too: Music and Lyrics. I have to say...it was quite good. I mean...film production wise, it doesn't really stand out. That's not the point though. As a movie, it was fun, well written, and just enjoyable to watch. Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore had such chemistry. We loved it. After that, we went and got some light dessert...which ended up being a salad instead of dessert. Oh well. She had to go to work after that. Over all....great night. Best Valentine's day ever for me and I think for her too.

Thursday was pretty uneventful. I did some editing on my cousin's video. Got a third of it done. Friday wasn't very exciting either. When I got home, my parents asked me if I wanted to see "Bridge to Teribithia" with them. I decided to go. I cried through half the film. It's a tear jerker. I had read the book when I was little...so I knew what to expect. Still...lots of tears. Great film and great movie. The kids in the film did a great job of acting. As usual Weta Workshop did a great job in special effects. It was a pretty solid translation of the book if my memory serves too. Highly recommended.

Saturday involved helping my sister move. I also did some more editing and my taxes. I've never hated doing taxes, because it always involves a return. Every year my return has gotten bigger. This year I'm getting over 1200 dollars back. That means I can fix my car and have some money left over to pay bills, like my web hosting bill. So that's nice. Money isn't so much of a worry anymore. I just hope I can make massive payments and get rid of my debt asap.

Sunday was my birthday. It was a good day. I relaxed most of the day. Dinner was big. My whole immediate family came over including my brother in law, my neice and my Tracy. We had a big steak dinner...which was nice. We had cheesecake for dessert. I opened presents. We all played a bit of Wii, and then everyone went their ways...be it home or to bed.

Monday was a paid holiday for me. That was nice. I took Kitty to the vet. He got two booster shots. He behaved very well. I didn't think it'd go so well, but it did. I came home and took apart my computer to bring to a client meeting. He wanted to see what I've done on the video...which is nothing. He's never given me a script despite my partner and I bugging him like crazy about it. He seems to want me to cut a video with no frame of reference. Cutting a video with no script is like building a house with no blueprints...or baking a cake without the ingredients list. He's got the idea now.

I went to class at night and it wasn't bad. I am pretty sure my teacher likes me. I take control of situations. I push through problems to see them fixed. I have a creative drive. A lot of people in the class don't. They do what they need to do, and that's it. I do more than I need to. Because of that, he's let me do some editing during class time. I'm the only person working ahead, and my idea is probably the best of any of my classmates. I met a couple random girls that aren't in the class, but are in the program. They thought my video was great. They also said the guys in the class are probably jealous that I'm kicking their butts. :D

Today was pretty uneventful. I went to work, wrote scripts, chatted with some coworkers, and was productive. I'm meshing with my coworkers even more. That's nice. They called me back today and I thought I had done something wrong. I rounded the corner to be greeted by "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" That was a surprise. My job is full of surprises. I love it so far.

Well...this book should end I think. I've been writing too long. I'll continue this again soon...and keeping it a bit shorter too. :) G'night all.

~J

Hey all...sorry to disappoint, but I'm going to write the Valentine's day details Thursday night. I'm just too beat to write about it tonight. Thanks for stopping by though. :) Happy Vamlumtimes day to all of you.

~J