Blog

I learned something new about myself this week. When my stress level gets really high, I get emotional and irrational. That would explain the comments I was making about my friend Emily. I normally don't say stuff like that. Not only did I get irrational and emotional, it lasted for about half of a week. I finally kicked that mood last night. Emily and I talked and I apologized. We're all good now.

As a friend, I get concerned when a friend gets depressed for any length of time. If they don't seek out some way of helping themself, I try to help. Emily has been depressed as of recently and hasn't been really looking for help at all. At least, that's what I saw. I wanted to help her, but I was too emotional to. I just went off on a rant that was, honestly, something I've suspected, but I have no right to judge. It's interesting since I read in a recent Scientific American that anger promotes prejudice. I guess that applies to all of us.

So yeah, if anyone read that big long rant and thought "What's wrong with Jessica?", that's what was wrong. I had so much stress, I could physically feel it. There was a pulsing heat/pain in my left shoulder that lasted for 3 days. It was making me start to worry that something was wrong. This morning however, it was gone. My stress for the week is gone. So, that's a good sign. I'm back to my normal self now.

I got my butt lasered yesterday. It wasn't too bad. I didn't take any pain meds and it was very comfortable. Apparently the rear end doesn't have a whole lot of nerve endings for pain. Or maybe the hair wasn't all that thick. It feels rather strange now, not that most of you want to know that. But it's a good strange. Now, there's only my stomach left that isn't taken care of, and it's not so bad. I can wait on that.

I made my surgical consultation appointment for SRS. I'm excited. I get to go see Dr. Schrang in about two weeks. I think I'll bring a video camera. I hope he's ok with that. I'll have to call about it to see. What a great opportunity to get going on my documentary I've wanted to do. Actually, tonight I'm bringing a camera to my electrolysis appointment. So I'll be underway on it soon.

Well, it's time for me to get off the laptop checkout station and on to the phones. So I will write again later. Bye.

Luv,

Jess

Last night was another speaking engagement. I'd have to say it wasn't my best. I've been really out of it lately. I'm just not getting enough sleep and I've got too much on my mind. I can't wait for school to be over. Just two more full weeks of classes, then finals. I'm having trouble just balancing my schedule for these last two weeks though. It's going to be rough.

I did make more new friends at this event. I seem to do that everywhere I go. This time I met Cole, a FTM from my high school of all places. Turns out there are three trans people from my high school all within 4 years of each other. None of us were friends, but we did recognize each other from old pictures. It's just odd to me, yet very cool.

This past Sunday evening, Emily talked to me. I ended up bitching her out for what happened last Thursday. In a way I feel bad about it. She isn't in a happy place emotionally. But also, she needs to grow up a little bit. Thursday was a bit serious for me personally, but the fact that she just disappeared. Everyone was worried and thought something had happened to her, but she was really just sitting in her room ignoring the world. I don't know, I had to say something about it.

I doubt I'll be posting a whole lot in the next two weeks though. With all the crap coming up and then finals, I'll be rather busy. We'll see though. It might be a good study break. Anyway, I'm starving and it's time for my break. I'll write more later.

Luv,

Jess

Yesterday was a day full of irresponsibility. I can't believe all that happened due to kids being childish. The first happened right in the morning. I had laser yesterday. This time it was genital laser. So, with that in mind, I had prescription pain management drugs for it that I can't drive on. My friend Emily was supposed to drive me. She, herself, offered to do it.

I woke her up at 7:00 and then went to pick her up at 8:15. When I got there, she wasn't there. I called her room and her roommate didn't know where she was. She wouldn't answer her cell phone. I drove around campus for 45 minutes looking for her. I called other people...no one knew where she was. I was getting worried. On top of that, now I had to drive home under the influence of Percocet and Xanax.

So I went to my appointment. It was very very painful despite the medications. The laser lady was nice though. She did more than she was supposed to again. I was grateful. On my way home, I spent as much time as I could on the phone. It helped me stay awake. I made it just fine.

When I got back, I found out that one of the secretary/treasurer of the LGBT's friends, who just happens to be a high school student, illegally skipped class to come and participate in our day's awareness week events. Our President kicked her out, and that's with good reason. Our organization can get into deep shit for contributing to delinquecy.

The night before, the secretary/treasurer also brought her cat to a movie we were showing on campus. Pets aren't allowed in the building. Again, the president had to kick the cat out. We could, and did, get into trouble for that. Our group has not gotten good attention in the past week. Awareness week isn't intended to be that way.

Basically, our secretary/treasurer has been a problem overall. She hasn't been doing her job. She comes to meetings really late. She also doesn't come to group events. She's exec staff, so she has a responsibility to be there. We had a talk with her too. I don't think she's running again next year.

During the meeting, Emily called someone's phone and asked if someone called her. When she was informed that everyone was calling her and we were all worried and didn't know where she was, she got all angry and snapped "I just needed a day to myself, ok!" She put my life at risk. I understand the need for a day off, but she could at least have told me. I would have understood and found someone else. What if I had gotten hurt or something? I've lost all my faith in her.

With all that in mind, there was a lot of productive talk last night at the meeting. The president had a talk with the secretary/treasurer about the issues. A lot of ground was covered as far as what to do about high school kids participating. I think things are going to be much improved in the fall.

There was one event this week that was very good though. Wednesday after the breaking the silence rally, we all went to get ice cream. One of the high school kids came with too. While we were all having a good time, this kid just started asking me questions about being trans. The advisor to the high school GSA told me that there had been a student that came out as questioning/trans recently. Given that this student was wearing a skirt, I assume it was him/her.

I did my best to share my feelings and to give advice. I didn't want to push the kid in either direction. My advice was to spend time getting to know who he/she is. Before doing anything involving a transition, you have to know yourself more than anything else. I encouraged him/her to examine his/her emotions. Look deep. I think my advice really helped. Hopefully the student will be helped by what I said. I felt great about that experience.

Hopefully over the next few weeks the maturity level will go up. I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible. Elections are coming up, and I got nominated for President. I'm excited to see where that goes. I better get back to work. Bye everyone.

Luv,

Jess

Today is the Day of Silence. It's hard to maintain silence when you work at a helpdesk answering phones. However, I'm managing. Japanese class will be a little rough too. I think things will go well though. Hopefully people will see me and others in our silence. Maybe people will come to the rally too.

I've worked hard to get this week going, but I feel like I didn't do enough. I can't seem to shake that feeling either. I think it's due to the fact that I'm so new to this whole "running and organizing campus organizations" thing. It's my first semester at it, and I'm learning as I go. Next year will definitely be better. I'm proud of what I've done this year too, but I didn't know a lot going into it. I just hope I get more help next year. I was even told by Emily last night that I'm the only real officer in the organization. Everyone sees how much I do. So I guess that's good.

Today is not only a GLB day, it's a trans day too. I think many people in the GLBT community forget that. We are such a minority among minorities. Many people don't even think we really exist. We all need to make use of this day to it's full extent and show everyone who we are and that we're not willing to put up with discrimination either. I'm going to be reading two articles tonight at our rally. Hopefully it wont be raining then.

Wish me luck. It's going to be a rough day I think. I have an exam that I haven't really prepared for at all. I've been too busy with crap. Well, that and the class sucks and is taught so poorly that I don't really care to study for it anyway. I hope my professors next year are better. We'll see I guess. Later.

Luv,

Jess

Today is transgender day of my school's LGBT Awareness week. We didn't get advertisements out soon enough. So, no one came to the program at 1:00 that I was supposed to give. That's ok. I need a break anyway. I was asked last night to do an all-residence hall forum on transgendered issues in a few weeks. That should be fun. I hope there are people there that change from the forum.

We had a booth set up on the campus mall. So there was like eight of us sitting there having a great time. We always are laughing and smiling when we're together. I always get a good stomach workout. I even enjoyed the company of a gender queer person who has been very insensitive and bitchy in the past. Our advisor, who is usually not very personable, had a good time. We were just emanating happiness. I hesitate to make the "gay old time" reference.

Aside from that though, my day is going rather dull. Felt dumb in my Japanese class. I just can't keep focused in there. That, and I'm short on sleep. So it didn't help. My professor for my asian history class bitched out a kid in class. It was ridiculous. I really don't like her as a professor and agreed with the student. Attendance shouldn't be mandatory in college. We're paying all this money for it. It really should be our choice.

I have an interview in an hour that I have to be at. A coworker of mine is interviewing me for the news show. The topic is just our awareness week, but still. I should be there on time. I'll write something more exciting later.

Luv,

Jess