I've said before about my diary, but I'll say it once more and be clear about it this time so people understand. This diary is for me to vent my emotions. I don't always put the full reasons why I feel a certain way into a post. Sometimes I write when I'm really emotional, and those emotions settle down after a time. So that means a little while later I'll write another post that actually shows my true feelings and reflections. This diary is for me to express myself and get things out. Writing is good for that sort of thing. If you want to comment, that's fine, but keep that in mind. If you have an issue with something I say, e-mail me or talk to me about it. I'd be happy to explain it. I'm not going to always do this on my site here, and would rather not. This time, however, I will.

Understand that my reasons for being upset are not just because I was beat in the elections. It's not because I want power in the organization. I don't care about being a figurehead. It's not because Dale has higeine issues either, though that does have a part in it however small. Let me explain the full reason why I was hurt by the results. My warning is that this will be a little harsh. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to really get my point out.

First off, Dale is a nice guy. I would completely agree with that. He's very nice. I do like Dale. So Gary, I hope that helps you feel better about it. BUT, nice doesn't mean he's a good leader. Dale is very disorganized. If anyone has seen his car or apartment, they know what I mean. He is also immature. He has even admitted this to me directly, and we have also all observed that behavior. He likes to act like a 5 year old a lot of the time. I would hope though, that he'd attempt to be more mature as president. I know the potential is there. Dale does not handle stress well. In pressure situations, Dale panics. He panics so much that many people have worried about him having a heart attack by the time he's 40. This was the first year he was a full time student as well. Years ago he wasn't full time when he had the position of co-chair. I'm not sure he can handle all the work involved. Dale is extremely stubborn. If anyone saw his reaction to any kind of change I tried to make this past semester, it wasn't good. For example, the stuffed Lobster we have. He literally tossed it on the floor because he didn't like the rule. The rule itself I will talk about later. But with his stubborness in mind, if he doesn't like something, it's not going to happen. In a leadership role, you have to be open to different things. As far as the figurehead and representation issue, yes, he does smell. He has very poor higiene and this is a problem. If people are getting up and moving, like they have in the past, because the president smells that bad, I think that's a problem. That's the most minor of all the issues I have though. He is also a gossip, which can be a problem in a leadership position. As a leader, you are supposed to be a person someone can approach with a problem and be trusted to keep it confidential. I worry that Dale may not be able to do that either.

It hurt because I know I am more competent than that. I also know people are aware that I am. It's not an ego issue. I just don't think people were considering all of this when they voted. One of the concerns about me was that people were worried I would be too strict and lose out of the social aspect of the group. I think that's funny since Dale likes the more formal type meetings (motion to move on...etc). That's how meetings were run when he was co-chair a few years ago. Also, when elections for Spring semester came around, that was one of the major worries I had about Dale running then. He wanted a more formal setting and I didn't want to lose the social aspect of things. I still feel that way.

As far as how this last semester went, yes was a rule that wasn't there before. There was also the suggestion of, not a rule, but a policy for next year. Understand that when the president isn't fulfilling his duties (I love you Chris, I really do), and isn't showing up to meetings or contributing, and then take away the secretary/treasurer, even just running meetings was hard. It was Dale and me. We were there the whole semester. Dale was right in saying he is dependable. He is. However, Dale was one of the problems as far as interruptions and talking during meetings goes. I came up with that rule so that the meetings could even happen. It was hard being the one in charge with very little backup and then trying to get everyone to listen and keep the meeting going. If anyone noticed, I only used the lobster for about three meetings. After that, I felt everyone understood and we could continue just fine. Last night's meeting however proved that wrong. We had a very difficult time just getting the meetings started because people wouldn't shut up. That's why I had the rule in the first place. It was merely a means to get some progress.

Now, with that stress in mind, there was some social aspect left behind. I apologize for that, however it was hard for me to do everything. A lot of members in the group were there socially, and didn't want to participate actively. So I didn't have a lot of people to lean on for support. Had we had a full exec staff, it wouldn't have been that way. That's why this next semester will likely have more social activities. Also understand that this was my first semester ever running an organization. I was bound to make mistakes. I think I did a decent job though overall.

The policy I suggested for next year, the "leave your drama at the door" policy was taken very much the wrong way. It wasn't intended to curb or control dating within the organization. I will admit that that dating can be a problem. However, it would be impossible to control or even stop. And I don't want to do that anyway. The whole idea was simply that, if you have drama going on with another member of the group, set it aside for the group. Don't make the group suffer because of what's going on in your love life. Be able to work with the people you're having issues with. That's why I got up and just left after elections last night. I didn't want to cause problems then. I went home and was emotional privately. I will admit that some of my issues with people have not always been quiet though.

On the subject of wanting the presidency out of a power trip type of thing, that's way wrong. My reasons were all because I wanted to make the group prosper. I had ideas for new things we could do next year that haven't been done in the past. I wanted to start working more with local high schools and establish a local area glbt network so we can all work together. I wanted to have more social events, like a Halloween dance. I think that would be wonderful. I wanted to turn the Alternative prom into the biggest event of the year for our organization. I wanted to make it grand and invite the entire state college system. It would be amazing. I wanted to make the group more politically active. With the events currently going on in national politics today with gay marriage, our voice needs to be heard. I basically wanted our group to move from being a simple, relatively quiet, and unknown organization to being an active, vocal, and respected organization. Now, I can still work towards this goal on the sidelines, but being president or even on exec board and working toward these goals head on would accomplish them faster and better. That was my desire, not to be in control. Now, with that, I am still staying in the organization. Like I said, I use this diary to vent and that was what I was feeling at the time. There needs to be someone in the organization who can keep the website updated and such.

So yes, with all that in mind, I think people totally misunderstood a lot of what happened this past semester. People were seeing things that weren't exactly true. I cared, and still do, so much for the wellbeing of the organization. It really hurt that people would think it was about me or that I was on a power trip. It hurt that people felt Dale was more capable. He'll do ok because he has such a large exec staff. I was so hurt that last night I actually lost sleep. I woke up early and was still hurt. Usually I'm ok by the morning. This is the first time that ever happened. But I will still go to the group. There's always the following semester. Perhaps this fall will be a good time for me to get a break from the organization. With surgery and such, I may not want the stress. I want to say again though, that I do like Dale. I just don't think he's a very good leader.

So, that's my explanation. If anyone has anymore questions or comments. Feel free to either comment on this or e-mail me. See ya around.

Luv,

Jess