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Better go and catch it.....wait, no...my fridge is broken. Or at least it's on it's way out. Over the summer I noticed my freezer wasn't freezing. Frozen pizzas become refridgerated pizzas, frozen vegetables get dehydrated from all the freezing and thawing, and ice cream is not even an option. It's also been running all the time. This morning was the second time I went to have breakfast and found my milk to be chunky despite having an expiration date five days from now. I just love pouring my cereal, and then pouring the milk...and then trying to find a way to throw out the cereal after it's been wet, but dump the milk down the drain. Always a challenge.

So yeah, I'm starving right now. On top of that I'm tired, and I have a lot of work to do today. I'm running myself ragged. I have a take home exam and a speech to write. I'm planning on skipping my class today just so I can get some food and dilate before I have to run out to my therapist appointment. The nice thing is that this is the last therapy appointment with a gender specific therapist I'll have. No more driving an hour and a half to get to the doc. I'll just see a campus counselor if I need to talk.

I'm feeling really great about what I'm accomplishing at school so far. GenderPAC is going to come to this campus. I've been working with them for the past week or so. It's going to be a really big deal too. I'm very excited about it. Next week I'm having people sign the Million for Marriage petition on our campus's "Acceptance Day" put on by student senate. Yes, I know I'm a bad trans person for supporting HRC, but I also don't care. HRC does good things even though they don't always support us.

Emotionally I've had a lot going on. I've found that I've been daydreaming a lot more than normal. I think it may have something to do with me not getting enough sleep, but it may not. I've been thinking a lot about gender and relationships too, particularly gender as a performance. It's a concept I learned about in my gender studies class. Here's what's been going through my head:

Most people accept me as a woman no question. The only ones that seem to question my womanhood are the lesbians. I feel as if I am always under scrutiny from them, save a few. Now most women don't think about performing the female gender at all, they just do it. They can have feminine and masculine interests or mannerisms, but no one questions their womanhood. It's different for me and those of us who are TS and lesbian. I feel as if I have to perform the female gender perfectly, and by that I mean have all feminine interests, dress feminine all the time, feminine mannerisms....etc, otherwise my womanhood is questioned in the lesbian population. They question whether I am a woman or not just because I was born in the opposing role. Of course this is all speculation, but still, the concept has gotten me very depressed and introspective recently. I just look at the experiences I've had in the past couple years, and how poorly treated I've been by a lot of women I've met just for being trans. That's one of the topics I'm bringing up today with my therapist.

Anyway, I'm making an effort to keep my entries longer than a five page essay, so I'll stop here. Have a great day.

Luv,

Jess

I am still sick...I'm not happy about that. I went to the doctor Monday and found out I have a sinus infection as well as mild bronchitis. Gotta love that. More blowing my nose and coughing for me. I got this cool prescription for Zithromax, which I've never taken before. It's an antibiotic that I only have to take for 5 days. There were six pills total. That's cool. Otherwise I'd be taking amoxycillin for two weeks. So, I should be feeling better by Saturday. I can't wait.

This past week was full, as usual. Every night I got home around 9:00 pm and finally got to eat dinner. Every night I didn't get enough sleep either. That probably didn't help with me being sick, but I had no choice. I had to read my text books and do my dilation sometime. So yeah, it hasn't been that great so far. It'll be better at least when I'm not sick and not getting enough sleep. Then I only have one problem.

It's been very hard to keep up with my readings in my classes. I've been focusing on gender studies, and even with that one class, I'm still behind. I found out yesterday that I'm not the only one. My classmates are having trouble keeping up too. I'm doing what I can, but I have limited time. Plus, I can't let my other classes suffer because I am focusing on just one.

Money is very very low right now.My first paycheck wont cover rent by a lot. I've had a lot of expenses, like the $30 for the antibiotics, that we not expected. Money sucks. I'm struggling to just get by as far as food goes. I'm going to have to ask mom and dad for money again, which really sucks because they don't have the money either. I am so frustrated too, because I can't get any need based financial aid. All I can get are student loans, which I've already maxxed out. Hopefully some day money wont be an issue anymore.

Last week had some interesting moments. Monday I let things get to me. It had been over a week since Jill talked to me last, and I was still trying to forget about it. As usual, I think too much, and eventually let the whole situation sink in again. I was trying to be strong and not care that she disappeared this time. In truth, I just wanted to think that way. I was hurt still. I cried. I needed to. Thankfully, it wasn't that bad. It just needed to come out. It's amazing how things work out, but right when I needed it, Kevin IMed me. He wanted to get out of the house for a while. Even though I had homework to do, I decided to go. We just went to Perkins to get some food and talk. It was pouring outside, which didn't bother me at all. It was just what I needed.

Thursday night was an LGBT ice cream social as well as a town meeting about the state and federal marriage amendments. Both of the events went very well. I found out that despite my not wanting to be an exec board member of the LGBT, they made me the official web person without asking me. That's ok I guess. I update the site and do the mailing list stuff anyway. There were a LOT of women at the ice cream social. That was very encouraging. We had a good time. The town meeting was more of a forum. They had several people talk about personal experiences and why the marraige amendment needed to be stopped. People from HRC were there too. It was very informative. I'm just worried that we were preaching to the choir. Either way, I made some good contacts.

This past Friday, despite being sick, I went to Scooters, the gay bar. Several friends went, and we had a good time. I didn't dance with anyone, mainly because there wasn't really anyone to dance with. There were a few women there, but it was mostly guys. Rachel and I were enjoying watching this one straight girl dancing. She was pretty hot. I got a ton of compliments that night, mainly from the drag queens. Erin was like "See?!! You should come out more often." Maybe I will.

Saturday night was movie night. Chris and I went out on a "date" to see "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow". It was a great movie. Visually it was stunning. The acting was great, and so was the script. It was just a fun movie to sit and watch. It was like watching a comic book. I give it a four out of five brownies. (That's my rating system). Go see it.

Sunday we had the TV station's retreat. It's something we do every semester. This time we cooked out and had some fun outdoors. I played frisbee with Kevin and ran around for the first time since SRS. I'd have to say the best part was the meeting though. I had the new kids in the production department take a look at some of the things I did last year to get ideas for this year. I also got them to sign up to actually do some production work. So, things are getting going. They seemed so attentive and enthusiastic. I think they're going to really love it. It's going to be a good year.

Monday I was surprised to randomly get IMed by an old friend from years ago. I hadn't talked to Jordana for at least a year, probably longer. She was doing quite well from what it sounded like. It was great to have a normal conversation with her. When we talked 3 years ago, she was going through rough times, and I was there to help her as much as I could. We got close, but she lived so far away that I had to let go. She didn't take that well and was very difficult to talk to after. Everytime we talked it would immediately turn to her jumping down my throat about why I had to break it off. Then later it switched to why I had to be trans. After the time apart, she seems to have matured. I really enjoyed talking to her, and I hope things continue that way.

My Wednesdays are the longest days ever. I start at 9:00 am and don't end until at the very least 9:00 pm. Last night was 10:30 pm. Then I got to make dinner. It's no wonder I've been sick. I am never getting enough sleep. I skipped two classes yesterday to make sure I was getting enough sleep. Otherwise I'll never kick this infection. I can tell I'm on the mend though. That's a very good thing. I didn't bring a box of kleenex with me today. That's a first since sometime last week. Two more days...I think by Saturday I should be in good shape. OK, I let this entry get way too long. I will end this here. Have a great day everyone.

Luv,

Jess

I went to a wedding on Saturday night despite being sick. It turned out to be a lot of fun. I made some cool friends, and ate some good food. I didn't really dance because I was just too tired from being sick and being on meds. I totally would have had I not been sick though. Kevin, the guy who asked me to come, even asked me to dance, but I was practically passed out when he did. I ended up getting a ride home early because I was just wiped out. I still enjoyed the time that I spent there though.

I knew I would think about being single and stuff during the ceremony. I think about that too much. But, with what happened...or should I say hasn't happened with Jill, I guess it's no surprise. She still hasn't said anything to me. It's been a whole week. By now, I've already decided that she's not worth my time. I've given her a lot of chances, and she gets no more. She obviously doesn't want to be with me, and I'm sick of letting her pull me along like that. She never gave me a reason to trust her. So, yeah, I thought about that during the wedding ceremony as well as the fact that I can't legally marry whichever woman I fall in love with. Very depressing thoughts. At least I had some charming friends to lift my spirits.

It was my first night in a skirt since SRS. I haven't seen the sun much at all, particularly my legs. So, hence the title of this diary entry...pasty white. I was wearing a black skirt, so they contrasted a lot. I didn't really care all that much though. Here's a picture of me kinda sorta dancing with Kevin. You can't see my legs though. Despite being sick, I look pretty good.

<%popup(20040912-dancing.jpg|606|605|Click here to see Jess Dancing with Kevin)%>

Today was the first meeting at the TV studio. It went well, but due to me still being sick, I didn't cover all that I could have. My mind wasn't really there tonight. I also felt bad because one of the girls I hired thought she was getting a news reporter position. When she found out she was production, she seemed rather disappointed. I mainly feel bad because news wanted her too, but she applied for both jobs. I liked her enthusiasm and she seemed to want production when she talked to me. I'm just worried that they will all think I hired her because she's very attractive, which is definitely not the case. She showed so much more interest and excitement about working there that she really stood out among the other applicants. I actually hired more guys than girls because I wanted people who were really interested.

Aside from all that, I slept half of the weekend. 12 hours Friday to Saturday and another 12 hours Saturday to Sunday. I figured sleep is one of the best things for colds, and I was tired anyway. I did nothing as far as school goes. Didn't touch my homework. I doubt I could have focused to read anyway. All my homework has been reading textbooks. I hate reading text books. They put me to sleep, and since I was already tired, we can see where that would have gone. I did manage to finish watching the first season of Buffy the Vampire slayer though. It's the perfect length for doing dilations. It's also a very fun show. I like it. Anyway, again, it's time for bed. I'm really tired and need enough sleep. I'll write more soon.

Luv,

Jess

I caught a cold. I had no clue I did until just this morning when I woke up with a sore throat. I hoped I had just been breathing through my mouth and my room was dry or something, but it never went away. Now it's close to 11:00 at night, and I'm starting to blow my nose. I can just tell this is going to suck. I just hope I'm not extremely nasal on Wednesday or Friday because, I have to give a speech in my speech class. I'm so excited about it too, and I hope that it's not ruined by my cold. Ugh...

I'm sorry I haven't been updating regularly. Over the majority of August, I didn't have reliable internet access at my parents house. I'm trying to catch up and post my diary entries from the month. I'm sure people are interested in how the surgery went and what recovery was like. So that should be up soon. I just have to find some time. Now that school has started, I'm so busy I can barely find time to eat something. I'm hoping to get those entries up sometime this weekend. Watch for them if you're interested.

School has been very busy, but exciting. I have fifteen credits as well as a lot of other stuff on my plate. Last night I hired five people to work in the production department at the TV studio. That was the first time I've hired someone ever, and it was hard. I had something like 25 applicants. Everyone was enthusiastic. So it was hard to pick. I felt so bad calling up the people to tell them no. It was a good experience for me though at least for my career. I am likely going to have to do that more often in the future.

My gender studies class has been fun so far. I've made friends with the professor. She's a lesbian, and very cool at that. We're going to work together on a lot of things. I'm excited for that. My other classes are very interesting and very much my speed. One of them, Interpersonal Communication, could be very good, but the professor is just so dull in his teaching. I think I'll do well in all my classes though. I'm shooting for the dean's list again.

I didn't realize how much I missed the kids at the youth group until I came back. I was so excited to see all of them again. It was great. I love volunteering. I've also started to become better friends with Erin, another volunteer in the group. She's really cool. I think we get along really well. I hope we get to hang out more often. She's been giving me advice on Jill.

So...Jill....might as well move onto her. I talked to her last weekend. After I got home from the party and the bars (yes, you heard that right. I went to a goodbye party and out to the bars with my TV station friends afterwards. No, I didn't drink. And yes, it was fun), it was about 3:00 am. Jill had left me a message, so I replied. She was still online and we talked for about an hour. She was as flirtatious if not more than the first day we met. She asked me to stand back so she could see how I looked ( I have a webcam). So I did that, and she really liked it. She even commented on how she was flirting too much. I was a little overwhelmed actually.

So, Sunday night came around, and we talked for two hours. This time, we had a heart to heart about stuff. She asked me why I still had doubts about her. I ended up thinking about that for a few days, but regardless, she understood. There was one point in which I told her that she can always expect honesty from me. She said that if I hadn't, that we wouldn't be the friends we are. I immediately though...ugh, the f word. She then said, "No, I'm not giving you the f word either". It was like she read my mind. After that I made a comment how we are just friends. We aren't dating or anything. She responded to that...well, not yet. So, she seems to want a relationship. She said she'd talk to me on Monday.

Monday came and she never came online, nor did she the rest of the week. On Wednesday, I figured out the full answer to her question about my doubts. I decided to e-mail her and tell her. Basically, I'm waiting for her to give me a reason to trust her. She wont tell me her last name, she wont turn her webcam on, she wont call me...etc. I want some sign that says "You can trust me". I doubt she's checked her e-mail yet. I haven't seen her online at all. No offline messages either. So, we'll see what happens. Erin tells me I should just drop her and move on. At this point I think there's a good chance she's just wasting my time, but I don't want to believe it just yet. I'll give her one last chance. I just can't afford to focus so much energy on worrying whether there's something between her and I or not. Feel free to comment with your opinions on what I should do.

Well, I think this post is long enough. I need to get some sleep too. I'll write more this weekend. Good night.

Luv,

Jess

The last day finally arrived. Again, Dr. Schrang was later than usual, but not as late as Monday. It was about 10 am when he finally came in. I made sure that he took care of my roommate first. She had been waiting for a whole week, and it was her turn. I was ok with waiting. All he had to do for me was remove the vaginal packing. One thing I have to say about Dr. Schrang is that he has the bedside manner of a car salesman. He doesn't beat around the bush. He just goes at it. He also likes to sell you on it while he's doing it. When he pulled out the catheter and such, he was saying "You're going to have a great result...great result" the whole time. Tuesday wasn't much different.

He basically just grabbed the external end of the gauze packing and started pulling. Talk about your strange feelings...again, my eyes went wide, particularly when the gauze caught on a stitch. I felt like a clown car. I could see the gauze as he was pulling it, and it just kept coming. After it was finally all out, it was time for my first dilation. He showed me how to do it, which again, was a strange feeling. He started with a smaller one and moved up to a larger one. I then had to sit there for a half hour applying constant pressure inwards and downwards. Apparently I'll lose what I have if I don't do that.

I remember when the dilators came in the mail. I looked at them and saw the big one. I just remember thinking "I'm never going to be using that one, it's just too big." Turns out Dr. Schrang wants me to move up to that one. That surprised me. Once I was dilating, he left. My parents arrived at the beginning of all that and walked in while I was covered with a sheet during my dilating. That was a bit uncomfortable. Then, about five minutes later, my best friend Seth and his girlfriend Hannah arrived. They walked in, realized what I was doing, got uncomfortable and decided to wait outside with my parents. I was grateful.

Finally after the half hour, I was done. I cleaned up, put my clothes on, and got to go home. On the way, Seth and Hannah went with my parents and I to Perkins for some decent food. The waitresses saw I was from the hospital and gave me a free cookie. After that, we all headed home. It was so nice to be in a familiar place again. I spent most of my day dilating, since I had to do it 6 times a day at least. We also went to the store to get maxi pads and some prescriptions. By then I was exhausted again. Just being up and about was very tiring. We ordered pizza for dinner that night, and I went to bed early. It was very hard to sleep in my bed, because the home instructions dictated that I had to sleep elevated on several pillows and on my back. It was not comfortable and I woke up a lot. There was also a lot of bleeding. So, it was just difficult. Eventually that changed though...That's it for the hospital. Now we move on to the recovery.

Luv,

Jess