I don't know what it is, but lately that's the word that describes best how I feel. Since before this summer began, I've had no motivation to do anything. I feel drained. I feel like I'm constantly dragging all this dead weight behind me...only, that dead weight I'm dragging is me.

I just read an article in the New York Times about a boy who's parents threw him into reparative therapy after he came out. It sickens me. It truly does. The things they say about homosexuality...that it's destructive behavior, that it's immoral, etc...it's absolutely ridiculous. It's love. There's nothing harmful about love.

The more I read the article, the more I realized that they are more gender police than anything. They have to remove all femininity from boys, and all masculinity from girls. Mandatory football games, no touching aside from shaking hands, no mainstream media...it's a bit ridiculous. Being gay is not something that has to be fixed.

I really am beginning to think that the more I hear stuff like this, the more I feel weighted down. The more I lose hope and desire to live. This society hurts me. It hurts me that so many people hate, prejudge, and try to 'fix' things that don't need to be fixed.

My lack of motivation dates back, and I'm not kidding, to the re-election of Mr. Bush. I think my heart took a huge hit that day. It was as if all my hope for the possibility that we as a species would move foreward...violently stopped. Upon stopping, it suddenly shuddered and started backwards...toward further patriarchy and pain.

And this...makes me feel inadequate. Why? because I have no way of stopping it in my present situation. One might think that it would give me more motivation, but it does not. It's suffocating. I'm a strong woman, and I should be able to make a difference. But right now, I'm in college and thus am tied down. I have no resources. I have no way to pick myself out of the mud to continue on. So here in the mud I stay....inadequate and tired.

Nope...nevermind. That lead was premature. The world is not ending. Hell is still burning strong.

Simply put, I was supposed to call her when I got off of work. I did. No one was home. I figured she was getting dinner. I left a message. A half hour later I called again...no dice. Another half hour....I got a busy signal. So yeah...Two hours later, still busy. Either A: she's sitting there not knowing that her roommate is on the phone thinking I stood her up. Or B: She's standing me up. At this point I'm no so sure what I believe. All I know is that I'm frustrated, emotional, and depressed. This always happens to me. Always.

Jess

Hell has frozen over!! The apocalypse is nigh!! Everyone take shelter!!

The impossible has happened!! I actually have a date!!!

Luv,

Jess

No...I'm not referring to the latest Speilberg film. I'm actually talking about Julie's declared war on society. After Julie told me that she declared war, she and I had a little talk on the best way to do it. So basically, we've collaborated and now serve as generals of the army so to speak. This website is going to see a facelift over the next month and will emerge a better website with more centralization. It will also prominently feature information about the committee. Stay tuned to your favorite translife.net channel for news.

Speaking of news, I thought it'd be nice to give an update on my life since I never post about it. Lately I've been pretty lazy. By that I mean I've been working my two jobs, doing my volunteer stuff, getting electrolysis at the local place, and that's about it. I guess I'm still recovering from burnout. I know it's recovery time because I'm starting to feel that need to be motivated again. That's a good thing. It's like there's a little spark that just needs a light breeze to catch flame again. We're getting there. Give it a few more weeks.

Despite all that, I'm really psyched about this committee that Julie and I have started. I think it's going to make a big difference and is going to finally give t-people some good press. I think this idea is really what has got my mind moving in the "let's do something" mode instead of the "I like the couch" mode.

Let's see...Money is still tight. It doesn't seem to matter what time of the year it is. Money just sucks. The nice thing is that I got my financial aid award notice in the mail. Now that I'm 24, they're literally paying me to go to school. I'm going to have some decent cash in the fall, for once. Food will be nice and so will clothing. I may even have my car looked at just to keep it in good shape. Amazing.

As you may have noticed several pages down, I got sunburnt a few weeks ago. That's because I went camping. That weekend I had a lot of fun. It was with the group I volunteer for. I got to go canoeing and swimming. Despite putting tons of SPF 45 sunscreen on, I still got burnt badly. Basically five days later I had psuedo-dandruff. It was great. I don't believe that there is such a thing as waterproof sunscreen. It all just washes off as soon as you go in the water. If I get skin cancer, I'm abusing the already frivilous-lawsuit-laden court system with a frivilous lawsuit of my own. OK, not really.

My love life is shitty as usual. I met a girl online. She turned out to be a fake. No surprise there. I had my feelings about her early on. It didn't really hurt me though. I expected it. It's an internet relationship. That's about all I can get these days though...fake internet girls. How sad. On the bright side, I did meet someone cool lately. Her name is Crystal and she lives about 20 minutes down the road. We've spent a good few hours on the phone and such. I guess you could call me optimistic, though I really have no faith in the market of love. I'll write if something significant happens there.

Chris is off at his camp job for the summer. I rarely see him. Kevin and I, however, have been hanging out a lot. I think that's cool, with the exception that when Kevin leaves at the end of the summer, I'm going to be very sad. I hate it when I just get to be good friends with someone and then they move away. But anyway, we've been watching 24 intermittently. We have a disk and a half left. It's pretty cool. I like the show. Though, I'd have to say I like Buffy better still. However, I'm a dork....though, you knew that.

I went home this past weekend. It's an expensive trip to make. Each way is about 210 miles. So it totals about 50 bucks to go home these days. With money being so tight, I don't go home so often. However, I had to this time because of two things. One was that I needed to get my dress fitted for my sister's wedding. The second thing was the July 3rd fireworks. It's kind of a family tradition. It wasn't so bad.

The biggest problem I have with going home is that as soon as I get there, I get put to work. Saturday I spent doing work. I washed the dishes, did the llaundry, cut the grass, weeded the garden, and helped my dad spread mulch around the yard. That took up most of my day. I stopped at about 6 pm, but it wasn't by choice. While I was spreading mulch with a rake, I suddenly noticed a sharp pain from my left thumb. I looked down and there was a nice black ground hornet stinging me. How fun. Yeah, I was apparently standing right over the nest. It's a damn good thing they didn't fly up my pant legs.

So yeah, I had tears in my eyes as I walked into my parents' house to get ice, and not because I was crying. The pain was so strong that my eyes were watering. I had ice on it for 10 hours. I didn't really sleep much that night. The next few days my thumb was red, swollen and somewhat sore. Now, five days later, it's finally subsiding. At least my father was able to take revenge for me by killing several of the hornets and attacking the nest with raid.

On the 3rd, I went with my family to see the fireworks. It was fun I guess. My sister was pretty cool for the most part. We get along, but she can be bitchy at times. So can I though. It evens out. I got yelled at by my older sister's fiance's father for being responsible and watching his granddaughter because no one else was. She's a little caniving snot though. She came up to me asking to go with her over somewhere, and I thought it was to look at something. No, she wanted me to buy her a popsicle. She also wanted to go through other people's stuff. What a little brat.

I took some fun pictures that I'm going to post soon. I'll put one of them up tonight just for fun. I was being a huge geek and playing in the TV studio. One of the shots you've seen already. It's the Darth Jessica picture below. I took other shots that look like a James Bond image. Too bad I wasn't in some slinky dress. That would have looked cool. Some of the shots were just regular photos too. Here's one of them:

<%image(20050705-Studio Jess.jpg|369|428|Oooo, Sexy.)%>

Feel Free to comment and let me know what you think. Anyway, I think that's all for now. If I think of anything new to add, I will do so later. Talk to ya'll soon.

Luv,

Jess

Hey all,

I'll be writing an update soon. I've been meaning to for a while, but my job has taken over my life this summer. I'm thinking sometime tomorrow night will be good. Watch for my Independence Day update. I'd do it right now, but I got stung by a ground hornet yesterday on my thumb and it's kind of difficult to type very much. I should be in great shape tomorrow. Talk to you then.

Luv,

Jess