Posted on July 19th 2005, 5:58 am
I don't know what it is, but lately that's the word that describes best how I feel. Since before this summer began, I've had no motivation to do anything. I feel drained. I feel like I'm constantly dragging all this dead weight behind me...only, that dead weight I'm dragging is me.
I just read an article in the New York Times about a boy who's parents threw him into reparative therapy after he came out. It sickens me. It truly does. The things they say about homosexuality...that it's destructive behavior, that it's immoral, etc...it's absolutely ridiculous. It's love. There's nothing harmful about love.
The more I read the article, the more I realized that they are more gender police than anything. They have to remove all femininity from boys, and all masculinity from girls. Mandatory football games, no touching aside from shaking hands, no mainstream media...it's a bit ridiculous. Being gay is not something that has to be fixed.
I really am beginning to think that the more I hear stuff like this, the more I feel weighted down. The more I lose hope and desire to live. This society hurts me. It hurts me that so many people hate, prejudge, and try to 'fix' things that don't need to be fixed.
My lack of motivation dates back, and I'm not kidding, to the re-election of Mr. Bush. I think my heart took a huge hit that day. It was as if all my hope for the possibility that we as a species would move foreward...violently stopped. Upon stopping, it suddenly shuddered and started backwards...toward further patriarchy and pain.
And this...makes me feel inadequate. Why? because I have no way of stopping it in my present situation. One might think that it would give me more motivation, but it does not. It's suffocating. I'm a strong woman, and I should be able to make a difference. But right now, I'm in college and thus am tied down. I have no resources. I have no way to pick myself out of the mud to continue on. So here in the mud I stay....inadequate and tired.