Posted on December 5th 2008, 6:28 am
Today I took a big step. I was watching a video and it made me think of how much Jenn would love it. So I decided to send it to her. I suppose I should have been expecting a response, but I wasn't. Then when it showed up, I was unprepared. Her e-mail was friendly. Really it was too friendly. It asked about the job thing and Scarlet and made note of how it was weird not to be talking to each other. To me, when I read it, it was almost as if nothing had happened between us. Her tone and feel was much like that. It brought up some feelings that I couldn't quell. I cried...at work.
No one saw. I cried for a few moments at my desk, and then grabbed some tissues as I walked to a quiet, empty area. I let it out. I had to. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It felt like I stepped back in time two or three days in my emotional healing. I think it was necessary though. It was me testing the waters to see how I feel. Now I know I'm not ready and probably won't be for a bit yet.
I was honest in my reply to her. I answered her questions and then just said that I wasn't ready to talk yet. I am still sorting out my shit and said that it was probably going to be a while. She said she understands and will be there when I'm ready. Who knows when that will be. I am left wondering if she has an idea now of how much this breakup affected me.
It's always easier on the breakup-er and much harder on the breakup-ee. For me it felt as if she had no remorse about the breakup, which I know isn't true, but it was just too happy go lucky. At least...more so than I was expecting. It makes me think back on my breakups with Brianna and Tracy. With Brianna, I saw the things I didn't like, and it was easier for me to break up. Afterwards I felt as if I did the right thing. I'm sure Jenn feels that way. With Tracy...we both cried. We both knew it was right, but we both still hurt. I guess it's always different.
Tonight was the spiritual seminar I go to monthly. We talked about change and dealing with change. Another fitting topic...I love karma. I was reaffirmed by my fellow attendees that I am handling my pain and healing in a healthy way. I'm not running away from it. I'm not sending angry e-mails to my ex. I'm not drowning my pain in alcohol. I'm facing it, and I'm mourning it. I'm learning from it. I hope I come out for the better.
When I told Chris about the whole event with the e-mail today, I started by saying I did something I regretted today. He immediately responded with "You didn't send Jenn an angry e-mail did you?", to which I said no. I've realized that I really have no reason to be mad at her. She was so respectable and honest about her feelings. I have to respect that. I've been in her position and I know how difficult it is. I have no right to be angry. It takes a lot of courage to be honest when breaking up with someone. I just wish it didn't have to happen at all.
Anyway, just my thoughts for the day.
Posted on December 4th 2008, 6:14 am
Before I begin...I just have to say that I had so much on my mind today that I wanted to blog about. Since I didn't have time, I wrote little reminder phrases down to remember what to write about later. Yes...I know, I'm a dork.
Today something drew me to look at the signs of the Zodiac. I got curious about my compatibility with Jenn and looked. I'm an Aquarian and she's a Cancer. Turns out we're only neutral when it comes to compatibility. Chris is a Libra, and he's one of the best matches. So I guess that has something to do with why we are such good friends. I know the zodiac signs don't mean much to a lot of people. My coworker Mike told me to take that stuff with a grain of salt, but that being said, I still think there's at least something to it.
For example, I looked on Wikipedia's page for Aquarians to see what typical Aquarian traits are. Click the link if you want to see them. I basically went down the list going "Check...check...check...yup that's me." That includes "strong willed / subborn / obstinate" and "opinionated / conceited". Those are the most negative traits to me at the moment, but seriously...all the traits fit me exactly. Even broadcast is in the list of ideal careers.
So that got me thinking...maybe Jenn is right. Maybe I do need someone that can match me. Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I can't be changed or shouldn't be changed. Maybe we weren't the best match as a couple. I have friends that told me that they were aware of my opinionated nature and that I talk about myself a lot. But I also have friends that never noticed. So maybe she's right.
I also found a webcomic thanks to my friend Adam. It's xkcd and it's awesome. One of those comics made me think. The comic makes the statement "I think you just like having a girlfriend. It doesn't matter who." I know I wanted to be in this relationship and that I was complacent in it. I have been in relationships in the past in which I wasn't attracted to the person so much as the idea of the relationship. I don't think that was true in this case. Jenn and I had a real connection and I do love her. I do think that towards the end, when I was clinging to the relationship, a little part of me wanting the security of the relationship was there. Mostly I just wanted her though.
I was thinking about some of the ways Jenn and I didn't connect too. One of those was my nerd level. I'm like at a nerd level 8 or 9 on a scale from 1 to 5. I didn't feel comfortable breaking out the Teen Titans DVDs or bringing out Lunch Money the card game. I really felt comfortable taking my nerd level only up to a 4 really. I think if there's one thing I'll be looking for in a future mate, it will be nerdiness.
So with that, here's my ideal woman:
That's a lot to look for, but I'm sure she's out there. For once, maybe she'll be a brunette. I don't know why, but I always seem to date blondes or sandy blondes.
Unrelated to my healing process, I still haven't gotten any news on the job. I did, however, get news on some freelance. A regular client of mine has a bunch of video for me to edit by the end of the month. That will be a great revenue stream for me. I'm going to pay off a bunch of bills in January thanks to the income. One of my goals is to put money away for the Red Scarlet. It's a pricey camera, but it has so many possibilities. If I don't hear anything on the job soon, I'll be calling / writing an e-mail. I'll post more news on this later.
Now on to dream land.
Posted on December 3rd 2008, 6:22 am
Impermanance, Suffering, and egolessness. These are the three jewels of Buddhism. At the Shambhala center tonight the topic was egolessness. It must be karmic that the topic was exact to what I needed. If I ever needed a lesson in it, it was tonight.
I find it interesting because this experience in its entirety is such a lesson in the jewels. My relationship ended, which is a reminder of the impermenance of all things. The pain it caused is due to my attachment to being in love and being with Jenn. That attachment is the cause of my suffering. That suffering wouldn't have happened if I were practicing egolessness.
I truly think visiting the Shambhala center tonight was a great idea. I have every intention of going regularly now. I will likely go this Saturday and the following Tuesday. It seems like its exactly what I am searching for. They are having a big training class this weekend, but I don't think I'm quite ready to go. I want to take the class, but I'm going to hope that they do it regularly. I would most definitely like to participate.
One of the hardest things about meditation for me is sitting. I am not flexible at all. I can't sit cross legged let alone the full lotus position. I get very uncomfortable fast. I can only take solace in knowing it will get more comfortable as time passes.
Aside from my experience at the Shambhala center, I had another experience I wanted to share. The sine wave of emotion I find to be intruiging. While at the center, I felt at ease. Many times at work today I felt at ease too. Yet there were also times today where I felt sad. It seems like this whole healing process is like that. It's all ups and downs. It starts so severe and slowly subsides. Eventually it disappears, which I guess would be when things get back to a normal feeling.
Anyway, I observed that today and felt like writing it down. I'll save the rest of my thoughts for another day.
Posted on December 2nd 2008, 6:19 pm
This week has been an interesting challenge. I've been asked on numerous occasions how my Thanksgiving weekend was. Instead of the usual me being honest, I've been just telling people that it was fine. The reason being that I feel like maybe I shouldn't divulge my personal life to everyone since I talk so much about myself. In fact, only once did I say it was a horrible night on Thursday. I still haven't explained to that person why.
I've noticed that there is a pull and that I struggle to keep to myself. I want to share my experience and my pain. At the same time, I know it makes others uncomfortable. I've noticed that pull before, but instead of supressing it, I have succumbed instead. I was under the impression then that voicing my experiences was what people want to hear. I just have to learn the right times to let go. I think the pull I feel represents the "me me me" selfishness that my sister has always talked about that I've never seen.
Anyway, that's my quick update. I'll write more later this evening after the Shambhala Center visit.
Posted on December 2nd 2008, 6:53 am
Those are the lyrics that have been going through my head today. Learn to be Lonely from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I've had more than that going on too, but that's the prominent one. The song is sad and the lyrics are so fitting to how I have felt.
Anyway, I wanted to write a list of my flaws. These are all things I want to work on. So, here goes:
This is by no means a complete list. It'll probably never be complete. I will periodically return and add things to it. For now, this is where I will leave it. If you can think of something, feel free to comment it in, and I'll add it. Until tomorrow.