Posted on March 15th 2004, 5:38 pm
I'm proud of my coping skills. I seem to be able to deal with any emotional problem that is thrown at me pretty well. It's Monday, and I'm feeling ok about what happened Friday night. I dealt with it the whole weekend and found ways to let out my feelings...mostly in the form of Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy.
It really helped to get my mind into another universe and just think of something completely unrelated. After that time passed, I was able to think about the whole thing a lot clearer. I really am ok with it now. I mean, it's still a little depressing, but it's not like I haven't had my share of relationship woes to learn from before. I still think I'm not going to look for a while. I just don't want to set myself up for that emotional trauma again.
I don't think I'm going to date much while I'm at this school. The entire lesbian population knows who I am and what I am. They know I'm still in the transitional period. I don't really think any of them are all that interested. I don't necessarily fit in either. I noticed that Friday night. I just don't, but that goes for most of society. I stand out like a sore thumb. It's the reason I always feel out of place and alone. I'm sure I'll have to deal with that feeling for the rest of my life.
Well, I didn't study at all for my Japanese exam today. I should probably spend some time looking through the notes and such. Wish me luck on this one...I hope I do ok.
Posted on March 13th 2004, 5:50 pm
That's what I have to say. No more. I'm not attempting dating any more. Every single time I've tried, I've just gotten hurt. This time is no different, and quite frankly, I've had enough. Love just isn't worth it.
So, here I am all thinking I had a date, when in fact she was only really just humoring me. She sat with me during the show, and we chatted. It was fun I guess, even though we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk. The show was great, and I went and got my award at the end. It was awkward, but went fine. After the show, Jess gave me my camera back and proceeded to leave. I was a bit surprised so I asked her before she left if I could call her ever. She then told me she wasn't really over the last girl she dated. She told me some of the details, and I understood. Honestly, I can respect that. I mean, it took me two years to get over the one girl I fell in love with.
But yeah, it did still hurt. Some of it is because she rejected me. I mean, I did have a major crush after all. Mostly though, I don't blame her. It's me. The more I try, the more I just get heartbroken. I lose more and more faith in myself each day, at least where love is concerned. At this point, I don't expect I'll date anyone for, oh, quite a while. I feel so insecure, unattractive, and incapable of dating. Also, as I mentioned in previous entries, I feel inadequate as a female too. All in all, I felt terrible...like the rug had been pulled out and I was on my way to the floor...face first.
I made the mistake of going to eat with my friends after the whole event. Even though I was hungry, I just wanted to cry. I sat there all quiet the whole time stifling my emotions. I didn't want to make a scene. As soon as I could, I left. I saved it until I was home, and then just let it out. It was one of the more painful cries I've had in a while. That was when my face hit the floor.
Saturday I woke up late. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was very depressed and pretty much stayed that way all day. I, unfortunately had to go to the drag show we had planned for that night. I don't like drag shows. I feel like they completely undermine my effort to educate on transgender, but I had to be there. It sucked. We didn't get that great of a turn out. I was just all unhappy the whole time. The president left early. That's no surprise. He hasn't even been to the last two meetings. He might as well resign. He's never there anyway. I love him, but maybe he shouldn't have run for that office.
After the show, I cried again. That makes it the second drag show in a row that I've cried after. A friend from the group noticed and came over to tell me some good news. Apparently this site is helping his born again Christian mother accept her gay son. It was uplifting to hear that. He gave me a big hug and thanked me. That was the best part of the night.
I don't know. All my life I've known that I'm just not supposed to drink alcohol or smoke. It's just been something I've known down inside. I have other similar feelings as well. I've always known I would fight for some sort of cause. I can see now which cause that is. I never would have guess it would have been queer rights and awareness. I've felt that whatever cause I fight for would eventually take my life somehow. We'll see if that is yet to happen. Finally, I felt I would spent my life alone. The more and more I go through this life, the more that seems to be true. Maybe it's self fulfilling prophecy, I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.
I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm kinda getting sick of crying. Hopefully tomorrow I'll at least feel a little better.
Posted on March 12th 2004, 4:37 pm
Last night, Jess was working one of the other booths. So we got a chance to talk a couple times. I happened to mention to someone who knew her better that I have a huge crush on her, but don't think she's interested. She suggested I should ask her out. Apparently she's always talking about not having anyone to date. So...yeah, after I got encouragement from just about everyone around me, I went for it.
I walked up and crouched down, so it was less noticeable. It was a big public area and I didn't want to make a huge scene. I was just very direct. Here's the conversation as best and close to how it went:
Jess: "Are you leaving?"
Me: "No, I just have to go run a meeting and will be back."
Jess: "Oh, ok"
Me: "But I have something I need to say first...So, I have a huge crush right now"
Jess: *Blush* *smile* *surprise*
Me: "And I was wondering, I know you've seen the show already, but I have two tickets to the show tomorrow and wanted to know if you'd like to go."
Jess: *concerned look* "But I have to work the booth tomorrow too"
Me: "So do I"
Jess: "Oh well, then I guess that would work. Sure, that'd be great."
From there, it was me trying very hard to not make an ass of myself before I left, which I think I accomplished well enough. I was giddy beyond giddy the rest of the night. So there's the explaination of the title...I was way wrong in my last entry. I'm glad I didn't give up.
It's only 10:30 in the morning right now. I have 8 hours before I'll actually see her again, and I have butterflies already!! It's going to be a very interesting night. I'll write about it tomorrow. Now, I have to study for my History exam at noon. Wish me luck.
Posted on March 11th 2004, 5:36 am
Wow it's been busy. This is the third time I've sat down to write this entry. Every time so far I've been interrupted by something important. But now, when it's really late at night and I should be sleeping, I have time. It's been a rollercoaster for sure.
So, I have that major crush on the lesbian girl. I was daydreaming all weekend about it. I knew I shouldn't be because everytime I get a crush and my hopes up, I get hurt. So all weekend I spent trying to not think about it and just move on. It sorta worked. I saw her Monday though and the spark flared up again. I was giddy....really giddy. Leslie saw the whole thing too. I'm sure she was getting tired of me talking about my crush the whole night.
Funny though, by Tuesday the infatuation had subsided somewhat. I felt good about that. It was nice to have a clear head for once. Looking back, I felt so stupid. I don't even know the girl. I have no reason to like her so much. I should maybe get to know her first...I mean really. How foolish can I be?
Today just reinforced my feelings of being foolish. I saw her, and she said hi in a very "not interested" way. Very casual and just kept going. It was at that moment. I really learned why they are called "crushes". It's because in the end, that's what happens to your heart. It gets crushed. And to top that off, I was sitting at the LGBT table for the Vagina Monologues surrounded by lots of women. A lot of them were dressed really nice and were all very pretty. The longer I was there, the more insecure I felt. My mood just went downhill all night. Great, only two more nights of that to go.
Here's the good news though. Yesterday I was informed that I have been named a "Vagina Warrior" and will be honored and given an award at the Friday night Vagina Monologues. I was so surprised and shocked when I heard that. I had no idea anything of the sort would happen. They gave me two VIP passes to the show. I have to go up on stage for this too. So, wow, what an honor. I don't even have a vagina yet. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow to find something to wear for it. I hope at least that night doesn't depress me.
Well, tomorrow is injection day and meeting day. I'll see her again, but I don't think it'll be anything special. Whatever happens will pretty much determine whether I even try anymore. I'm really thinking I'm just not meant to be with anyone. We'll find out. I'll write about it tomorrow night. For now I'm going to go and get some food. See ya.
Posted on March 5th 2004, 3:56 pm
That's the title of my first movie....or wait no. But my Thursday did involve both. It was an emotionally trying day. My morning and normal class day went fine. It wasn't until the afternoon until the rollercoaster happened.
In the morning, I was walking to class. As I left one of the buildings, guess who I run into, but the cute lesbian girl I mentioned on my Wednesday post. Her name is Jessica. She was advertising for student elections. She saw me and asked me if I had voted yet, which I had not. She then said, "Since we have the same name, we should vote for the same people." That may not be exactly right, but it's close. So, yeah, I left after that to get to class on time.
After class, I was heading back over to the other side of campus so I could actually vote, and guess who I cross paths with. Jess asked me if I had voted yet, and I told her I was on my way to. She then asked me if I was coming to the meeting at 5:00. The organization she's in is missing an LGBT chair and she said I should consider it. I told her I'd be there.
So, I voted and went off to run some errands before the meeting. Got my prescriptions filled and decided while I was at the store that I was going to buy a Gamecube. So I did that too. I had the extra money and I had been wanting one for about 6 months. I bought a bunch of crap with it and ended up spending more than I probably should have, but I didn't care.
I headed back to get to the meeting on time. And this is where my day started downhill. Jess was there, and that was cool. She's cute. I think I've gotten that point across now. I think it was the topics the group was discussing that started depressing me. A few of the topics were birth control, gynecology in University Health Services, etc. All of it stuff that is so normal for every other woman, but not me. I felt so out of place...like I didn't belong there. I just found myself daydreaming for a lot of it. Then, they get to the LGBT part of the meeting, and one of my friends starts spouting off all the information that I should have been. She's not even an officer. Granted she's a former officer and is usually very outspoken...to put it politely. But still, she knew more of the dates than I did. I felt like such a failure. Like, I'm the vice president of the LGBT group, and I don't even know when our events are.
So I was thinking about that for the next hour after that, just letting it dig in. I went to get food, but the whole time I just wanted to cry. I was thinking about how sick I am of having the harder life. How I have to be different from everyone else. Life is just so unfair, but I had to keep going. I headed back to get ready for the LGBT meeting after getting my food. When I got back into the student center, guess who I ran into again....yup Jessica. This time it was more of a one on one thing. She and I talked and it was cool. I asked her how she did in the polls. She got elected to senate. I congratulated her and told her I voted for her. Then I said, "Then again, I always vote for the cute girls." At that point I left, because I knew if I stayed longer I'd make an ass of myself. But she seemed flattered.
So the meeting I was worried about. The president was gone, so I had to run it myself. I wasn't in all that great of emotional state either. So I was fighting to get myself under control, and did ok. Surprisingly, the meeting went really really well. It actually went better than meetings normally go. I was amazed. I think it's because I planned ahead and was much more organized than I have been before. I think I could handle running the group. It really boosted my confidence too. I needed that.
All in all I ended the day feeling proud of myself. I had a weird emotional thing happen where I was really down and just about started crying, and ended the day happy. I also made the first move....I guess you could put it that way. I really hope something happens with Jessica. I think she's really cute....did I mention that yet? I hope I see her more often now. I just hope she isn't uncomfortable with trans people. I wouldn't be surprised though. Such is the life of a transgender. I'll write more later.