Posted on March 20th 2004, 2:46 am
I've been seeing the same therapist for about two years now. We had a great relationship. He had seen me through the whole transition up to this point. This past Thursday I had my last appointment with him. He is moving on to bigger and better places. I think he actually wants to start his own transgender clinic. I'm proud of him for that.
When it came time to go, I actually cried. It felt like I lost a good friend. Due to confidentiality reasons, I can't even keep in contact with him. The best I can do is send him updates via an e-mail address. He can't respond to them though. He said he'll miss it too. We had a good run.
When the appointment was over and I was walking to my car, I was bawling. I didn't realize how much I had gotten attached to my friend. Even now, as I think about it, I get tears. Funny, I've gone through this whole process so scared that I'd lose a friend if I came out to them, and I never lost one. Now I lose my therapist. How ironic.
Maybe someday I'll run into him again. Maybe he'll ignore his professionalism just once and respond to an e-mail of mine. I doubt it though. Being professional seemed very important to him. Either way though, I'll always remember him. Goodbye Dr. Minwalla.
Posted on March 17th 2004, 11:00 pm
Yup, that's right. Everything is back to normal now. I'm back to my emotionally cheery self. I'm recovered from this past weekend, which is good. I talked to my campus friend, Lauren, and she told me what Jess was going through. I really empathize with her. She's got it rough right now. Much worse than me.
Tomorrow night at the meeting, I think I'm going to tell her that she can talk to me if she needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm the queen of heartbreak. I don't know if she'll be comfortable with it, but I'm just offering. It's not like I have any alterior motives either. I honestly just want to help. I always appreciate having someone to vent to.
Spring Break starts this Friday, and I'm excited. I have a big week planned. I'm going to visit some friends out of state for five days. This weekend I'm going to see an SRS surgeon give a seminar. My parents are coming as well as some friends from the LGBT. It should be a good week. I wanted to bring a camera with me, but that didn't work out. How I wish I had an extra $3000 dollars to buy a camera with.
It's actually been a pretty darn good week so far. I'm getting things done and really making progress with the LGBT. A lot of things are now falling into place. That whole "feeling like a failure" thing is gone and has been replaced with "Feeling like a good leader." Let me tell you, it's a lot nicer feeling to have. I think I'll stick with that one as long as the estrogen will let me.
Tomorrow will be a sad day though. My therapist of two years is leaving the clinic I go to. He's moving on to bigger and better places. He was a great therapist and a good friend. He's been there since the beginning of my transition. I'm going to miss him. Thankfully, I am bringing a camera to the appointment. It'll go into my documentary.
Well, my shift is over and I have to get up to the TV station. I have to run the cameras tonight. I'll write about how it goes tomorrow night.
Posted on March 15th 2004, 5:38 pm
I'm proud of my coping skills. I seem to be able to deal with any emotional problem that is thrown at me pretty well. It's Monday, and I'm feeling ok about what happened Friday night. I dealt with it the whole weekend and found ways to let out my feelings...mostly in the form of Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy.
It really helped to get my mind into another universe and just think of something completely unrelated. After that time passed, I was able to think about the whole thing a lot clearer. I really am ok with it now. I mean, it's still a little depressing, but it's not like I haven't had my share of relationship woes to learn from before. I still think I'm not going to look for a while. I just don't want to set myself up for that emotional trauma again.
I don't think I'm going to date much while I'm at this school. The entire lesbian population knows who I am and what I am. They know I'm still in the transitional period. I don't really think any of them are all that interested. I don't necessarily fit in either. I noticed that Friday night. I just don't, but that goes for most of society. I stand out like a sore thumb. It's the reason I always feel out of place and alone. I'm sure I'll have to deal with that feeling for the rest of my life.
Well, I didn't study at all for my Japanese exam today. I should probably spend some time looking through the notes and such. Wish me luck on this one...I hope I do ok.
Posted on March 13th 2004, 5:50 pm
That's what I have to say. No more. I'm not attempting dating any more. Every single time I've tried, I've just gotten hurt. This time is no different, and quite frankly, I've had enough. Love just isn't worth it.
So, here I am all thinking I had a date, when in fact she was only really just humoring me. She sat with me during the show, and we chatted. It was fun I guess, even though we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk. The show was great, and I went and got my award at the end. It was awkward, but went fine. After the show, Jess gave me my camera back and proceeded to leave. I was a bit surprised so I asked her before she left if I could call her ever. She then told me she wasn't really over the last girl she dated. She told me some of the details, and I understood. Honestly, I can respect that. I mean, it took me two years to get over the one girl I fell in love with.
But yeah, it did still hurt. Some of it is because she rejected me. I mean, I did have a major crush after all. Mostly though, I don't blame her. It's me. The more I try, the more I just get heartbroken. I lose more and more faith in myself each day, at least where love is concerned. At this point, I don't expect I'll date anyone for, oh, quite a while. I feel so insecure, unattractive, and incapable of dating. Also, as I mentioned in previous entries, I feel inadequate as a female too. All in all, I felt terrible...like the rug had been pulled out and I was on my way to the floor...face first.
I made the mistake of going to eat with my friends after the whole event. Even though I was hungry, I just wanted to cry. I sat there all quiet the whole time stifling my emotions. I didn't want to make a scene. As soon as I could, I left. I saved it until I was home, and then just let it out. It was one of the more painful cries I've had in a while. That was when my face hit the floor.
Saturday I woke up late. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was very depressed and pretty much stayed that way all day. I, unfortunately had to go to the drag show we had planned for that night. I don't like drag shows. I feel like they completely undermine my effort to educate on transgender, but I had to be there. It sucked. We didn't get that great of a turn out. I was just all unhappy the whole time. The president left early. That's no surprise. He hasn't even been to the last two meetings. He might as well resign. He's never there anyway. I love him, but maybe he shouldn't have run for that office.
After the show, I cried again. That makes it the second drag show in a row that I've cried after. A friend from the group noticed and came over to tell me some good news. Apparently this site is helping his born again Christian mother accept her gay son. It was uplifting to hear that. He gave me a big hug and thanked me. That was the best part of the night.
I don't know. All my life I've known that I'm just not supposed to drink alcohol or smoke. It's just been something I've known down inside. I have other similar feelings as well. I've always known I would fight for some sort of cause. I can see now which cause that is. I never would have guess it would have been queer rights and awareness. I've felt that whatever cause I fight for would eventually take my life somehow. We'll see if that is yet to happen. Finally, I felt I would spent my life alone. The more and more I go through this life, the more that seems to be true. Maybe it's self fulfilling prophecy, I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.
I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm kinda getting sick of crying. Hopefully tomorrow I'll at least feel a little better.
Posted on March 12th 2004, 4:37 pm
Last night, Jess was working one of the other booths. So we got a chance to talk a couple times. I happened to mention to someone who knew her better that I have a huge crush on her, but don't think she's interested. She suggested I should ask her out. Apparently she's always talking about not having anyone to date. So...yeah, after I got encouragement from just about everyone around me, I went for it.
I walked up and crouched down, so it was less noticeable. It was a big public area and I didn't want to make a huge scene. I was just very direct. Here's the conversation as best and close to how it went:
Jess: "Are you leaving?"
Me: "No, I just have to go run a meeting and will be back."
Jess: "Oh, ok"
Me: "But I have something I need to say first...So, I have a huge crush right now"
Jess: *Blush* *smile* *surprise*
Me: "And I was wondering, I know you've seen the show already, but I have two tickets to the show tomorrow and wanted to know if you'd like to go."
Jess: *concerned look* "But I have to work the booth tomorrow too"
Me: "So do I"
Jess: "Oh well, then I guess that would work. Sure, that'd be great."
From there, it was me trying very hard to not make an ass of myself before I left, which I think I accomplished well enough. I was giddy beyond giddy the rest of the night. So there's the explaination of the title...I was way wrong in my last entry. I'm glad I didn't give up.
It's only 10:30 in the morning right now. I have 8 hours before I'll actually see her again, and I have butterflies already!! It's going to be a very interesting night. I'll write about it tomorrow. Now, I have to study for my History exam at noon. Wish me luck.