That's what I have to say. No more. I'm not attempting dating any more. Every single time I've tried, I've just gotten hurt. This time is no different, and quite frankly, I've had enough. Love just isn't worth it.

So, here I am all thinking I had a date, when in fact she was only really just humoring me. She sat with me during the show, and we chatted. It was fun I guess, even though we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk. The show was great, and I went and got my award at the end. It was awkward, but went fine. After the show, Jess gave me my camera back and proceeded to leave. I was a bit surprised so I asked her before she left if I could call her ever. She then told me she wasn't really over the last girl she dated. She told me some of the details, and I understood. Honestly, I can respect that. I mean, it took me two years to get over the one girl I fell in love with.

But yeah, it did still hurt. Some of it is because she rejected me. I mean, I did have a major crush after all. Mostly though, I don't blame her. It's me. The more I try, the more I just get heartbroken. I lose more and more faith in myself each day, at least where love is concerned. At this point, I don't expect I'll date anyone for, oh, quite a while. I feel so insecure, unattractive, and incapable of dating. Also, as I mentioned in previous entries, I feel inadequate as a female too. All in all, I felt terrible...like the rug had been pulled out and I was on my way to the floor...face first.

I made the mistake of going to eat with my friends after the whole event. Even though I was hungry, I just wanted to cry. I sat there all quiet the whole time stifling my emotions. I didn't want to make a scene. As soon as I could, I left. I saved it until I was home, and then just let it out. It was one of the more painful cries I've had in a while. That was when my face hit the floor.

Saturday I woke up late. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was very depressed and pretty much stayed that way all day. I, unfortunately had to go to the drag show we had planned for that night. I don't like drag shows. I feel like they completely undermine my effort to educate on transgender, but I had to be there. It sucked. We didn't get that great of a turn out. I was just all unhappy the whole time. The president left early. That's no surprise. He hasn't even been to the last two meetings. He might as well resign. He's never there anyway. I love him, but maybe he shouldn't have run for that office.

After the show, I cried again. That makes it the second drag show in a row that I've cried after. A friend from the group noticed and came over to tell me some good news. Apparently this site is helping his born again Christian mother accept her gay son. It was uplifting to hear that. He gave me a big hug and thanked me. That was the best part of the night.

I don't know. All my life I've known that I'm just not supposed to drink alcohol or smoke. It's just been something I've known down inside. I have other similar feelings as well. I've always known I would fight for some sort of cause. I can see now which cause that is. I never would have guess it would have been queer rights and awareness. I've felt that whatever cause I fight for would eventually take my life somehow. We'll see if that is yet to happen. Finally, I felt I would spent my life alone. The more and more I go through this life, the more that seems to be true. Maybe it's self fulfilling prophecy, I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm kinda getting sick of crying. Hopefully tomorrow I'll at least feel a little better.

Luv,

Jess