Posted on October 5th 2002, 5:25 am
I got most of Transgender 101 up and running tonight. I spent a few hours working on it. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope the information there can make a huge difference. Today was actually a pretty short day. At least it seemed that way. I skipped my first class to get more sleep. Then I went to my second. I got two exams back, and did great on both of them. I'm doing pretty well this semester in my classes. That's a good thing I guess.
On the topic of gender though. My therapist asked me to analyze my attractions to women. It seems that in a lot of transsexuals, they are attracted to being a woman more so than the woman herself. I'm no exception, but it can get confusing at times since I am also sexually attracted to women. So, I've been doing my best at observing it. So far I've noticed that there are times when I am definitely attracted to the woman, times when I am attracted to being a woman, and there are also times where I am both. It's when I am both that it gets confusing, because the two emotions seem to be similar. I also noticed that if I initially look at the girl's face, I am sexually attracted. But, if I look down at her body, I become jealous. I'm going to keep observing that to see if I can observe any other things about it.
There is a girl in one of my classes that does this very thing to me. I am so attracted to her and jealous of her. It sucks, because I can't really make any moves on her. I am about to start hormones. I don't want to have to put a girl through that. I suppose it's her choice, but if she's attracted to me, it's probably the male me she's attracted to. I just try to ignore my attractions for both my and her sake. I'm probably better off anyway. Well, I think I need to get some sleep. I'm writing this at about 1:30 in the morning. I'll write about how things go with my parents next time. Bye.
Posted on October 2nd 2002, 5:25 am
Today marks the beginning I'm actually making a difference in this world. I finally came through with one of my goals. Hopefully I can start spreading the word about my website and people will really start to learn who I am, and what I've gone through. I'm very proud of myself for doing this, and I have high hopes that it will catch on. I'm sick of getting made fun of, getting called gay, getting stared at, and having nothing to do about it. I suppose I still have to get the information up that people are going to need to read. So there's still a long way to go, but I'm getting there. I'm really looking forward to when it's not just me bearing my whole life on the internet, too.
So, I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Jessica, and I'm a 21 year old college student. I've lived my whole life transgendered, though there was a long period of time when I wouldn't let myself believe it. I currently major in music, but that wont be for much longer. I am planning on changing that in the next couple weeks. I am very open about being transgendered, though I don't broadcast it. I do wear some makeup and nail polish regularly. People notice, and when they ask me, I'm honest with them. They always say honesty is the best policy. So far that has proven true for me. No one, aside from my parents, has responded negatively to me. I do my best not to throw it in people's faces. I don't want people to think I do this for attention. In some ways I do want attention, but that's simply to show to people that transgender does exist in the world. I don't care if the attention is specifically directed at me.
I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, and have been seeing therapy for it for a while now. I am at a very important turning point in my life as I am faced with the decision of being male or female. I could start hormone replacement therapy within this month. I am leaning very strongly in that direction, but it is obviously a major decision. I don't want to rush anything. This coming weekend, I am planning on going home to visit my parents. There I will have to tell them my current situation and plans. I am not looking forward to that. It's very hard on them, and I wish I didn't have to put them through it. But, I have to tell them. I will write about what happens this weekend after I get back. So, until then, thanks for visiting.