Wow, I've been lazy lately. Almost two weeks and no diary entry. I had wanted to make my entries shorter instead of writing a book every time too. So much for that idea. It's been a rough couple weeks for me. Thanks to Harry Potter and James Bond, I had a lot of work on the weekends. I needed it too. I am so broke right now. That is the biggest problem for me right now. Lack of money. I hit my first big money problem this past week on pay day. Even with all that work I put in, my paycheck was about half of what I needed to get. I am about $30 short of what I need to pay rent. That puts me in a major bind. My credit card bill is due soon too. Plus, I believe the rest of the house bills arrived too. And with Christmas coming, things aren't looking good. I don't want to, but I'm going to have to beg my parents for help. I hate it when I have to do that.

School has been kicking my butt. This semester is probably one of my worst. It's ranking up there just under my second semester of my freshman year when I failed a class. I don't think I'll fail anything this time, but I just can't stand my classes. It's a good thing there are only two more weeks left of class. If there was more, I'd go insane. My piano class is probably the worst out of all of them. My professor is a new professor. He's from Russia and is really strict. My school has attendance policies that have to be the lamest thing ever. Most teachers don't actually follow the policies, but my piano prof does. I was doing really well in the course despite missing class often. I never got lower than a B+ on a test, but because I missed class more than twice, my grade is at about a C- or D+. You'd think that if we pay that much to go to school, it would be our choice whether or not to go to class, especially if we are doing well in the class. Apparently that's not how it works here at my college. So, I got screwed.

I realized in the past week that I am suffering from depression. I've been through depression before, so I recognized the signs. I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up. My appetite has changed, and I have no motivation to do anything. I also have been down emotionally for a while. I know why I am depressed, but right now, there isn't much I can do about it. I don't want to go on medication, so I'm just going to deal with it on my own. Part of the cause of it is school right now. So, when winter break hits, I think I'll start to feel better. I just have to be patient.

Thanksgiving and the rest of the upcoming holidays has my family on edge. My sister e-mailed me about her nervousness in seeing me on Thursday. It's going to be awkward at first. I think everyone will adjust, but it will take time. I think they will start to get used to me as Jessica and even like me. My sisters may even like me more as a girl than they did when I was a guy. We'll see. I can only hope.

Last Thursday was a very hard night for me. I went out with all my female friends from my music theory class. We ate dinner at the school cafeteria and then went to see one of the Jazz bands perform. Before we went out, I had been excited about it, but as the night went on, my excitement deteriorated quickly. I am attracted to most, if not all of the girls that I hung out with that night. As the night progressed, I truly felt how uninterested they are in me. Don't get my wrong, they are my friends. They just don't want an intimate relationship. It wasn't anything they said to me, or anything we talked about. It was just apparent in their actions. It was very obvious how they feel. I am already lonely. So, having this on my mind combined with my loneliness was very difficult to deal with. When we got to the concert, my ex-girlfriend showed up. We are great friends, so that wasn't a problem. She is moving on though. I am very happy for her in that she has finally found someone to be with again. We sat next to each other during the concert. I spent the entire concert fighting my tears. I didn't want to start crying and ruin the concert for my friends, nor did I want to make a scene. I did, however, want a hug really bad. No one noticed. They just thought I was just tired, and that's why my eyes were red and I wasn't smiling. I learned to cover my emotions up so well, that now it's hard for me to show people how I actually feel even when I'm trying to. I really didn't want to push my problems on my ex, and that's why I didn't say anything. But I wish someone would have told me it was ok and given me a hug. At the end of the concert, I snuck out quietly and no one noticed. I went home and cried there. I doubt anyone had a clue.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this depression. I know it's going to be hard. I can only pray that I don't sink lower. Let's hope that this Holiday weekend picks me up a little bit. We'll see soon enough. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.

Luv,

Jessica