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I just had a beautiful yet incredibly sad dream. Frequently I have dreams that I am back in high school, that I'm missing class, or that I'm in band playing music. Usually I'm missing my music, or I can't get my trombone together in time and I get yelled at. This one was different. Now frequently my gender can change in my dreams. In fact, I'm not always myself in my dreams. Sometimes I'm someone else. In this dream, I was my old self back in 1999.

High School band for me was both incredibly fulfilling, but also scary at times. My band director had a bit of a temper and if you got on his bad side... look out. So I know I did what I could to avoid the bad side. I was lead trombone my senior year in the highest band. I was actually quite good. I had considered going to school for music for a while, but ultimately went for engineering instead (which I eventually moved away from). This dream took place during my senior year.

Oddly...when my dream started, band was already in progress. I put my trombone together, got my music and sat down to play. I dug out the music we were playing, but it seemed as if I hadn't been there in months. I was treated as if everyone knew me to be the lead trombone player, and that I had been gone, but it wasn't a big deal.

When I started to play, I had no idea where we were, and didn't play where I was supposed to. The whole band stopped and looked at me. I said "Sorry...I didn't know where we were. I've got it now." They say you can't read in dreams, but perhaps music is different, because I could read the notes. I remember seeing the name of the musical piece too. It began with an S, but that's all I remember. We continued to play again, and I played my part up until a particularly difficult riff with sixteenth notes. I messed it up and the band stopped again.

My director stepped off the podium and walked across to where I was sitting. He talked to me like he was very calm about it, knew I had been gone for a while, and it was no big deal. However, we had a concert this coming weekend, and it would be good if I could practice this certain area. I'd be fine then. He then asked me the time, and I told him. He said "Oh my it's that late already huh? I guess it's time to go. See ya this weekend." And everyone started packing up.

Then something happened. His daughter, who played the trumpet, ran up to him and gave him an enormous hug on the way out. And as I watched that moment, I realized that it's not 1999...it's 2007. My band director died a couple years ago, and his daughter was saying how much she missed him. Suddenly I was no longer myself from 1999 anymore, and I was myself today...in 2007. And I realized that I miss him too. I could no longer stand in my dream for the tears came on too strong. My head was on the floor as I cried.

I woke up shortly after that. It was such a powerful dream that I didn't want to forget. So I immediately wrote it down here. I hope you enjoy reading it. Thanks.

~Jess

My mother and I are still fighting. In fact, it would seem that my dad has been dragged into it too. We just ate dinner and it was silent the whole way through. Great. That's fantastic. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, here's the quick catch up. Two nights ago my mother proceeded to nag me as she had every single conversation about one particular thing that she deemed to be my most important priority. I got really upset because maybe I've set my priorities differently. I basically in a very emotional state proceeded to tell her that I didn't need her to nag me about it and that I'm sick of her giving me shit every time we talk. That wasn't the smartest thing to say because it ignited a fight. So yes...I am to blame for this feud. However, that being said...I have a very legitimate argument.

Anyway, I don't feel like discussing more of this right now. Just wanted to update that it's still going on... More on this later.

~Jess

I had a fight with my mother last night right before going to bed. It was a great way to sleep. My mother likes to nag, and she seems to think that she needs to set my priorities despite the fact that I am quite capable of setting them myself. It's really frustrating. On top of that, her reaction to "I got a job" was very negative. I was so angry. She hasn't been real nice to me lately.

My mother has been known to just jump to conclusions, and she also likes to put words in my mouth. So during the argument, she was doing the same. Talk about a pointless fight. She claimed that I wasn't listening, but I was. I'm very aware why she keeps nagging me, but I don't need her to nag me every day when I'm very aware of the issue. I have a video to get done for my extended family. For me, it hasn't been a priority. I've been working on other shit. I promised all the users of this website I'd have the new version a lot sooner than it happened. I've been job hunting. That stuff has been way more important than a video that I had no way of getting on my computer. I know they want the video, and it's on my list. I'll get it done soon. STOP NAGGING ME MOM!!! That's all I want.

Anyway, I need to get this HR paperwork filled out. So I better go. See ya!!

Jess

I learned something new last night. Tracy and I were together at her place watching some stuff on TV. After a while, Tracy decided she wanted to make out. I just wasn't feeling it at all. And this isn't the first time. Over the past few weeks, I've been less and less interested in kissing. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm just trying to go with it. Not much else I can do.

Anyway, last night we made out for a while. She really enjoyed it. And I smiled and made her happy. I wanted her to enjoy it, because she wanted it. She told me later she enjoyed her evening. That made me feel good about it. I made her happy, but I feel a little sad that I am finding myself not too sexually interested in her.

What I think I've learned is that I'm not interested in submissive women. I like dominant women. I want someone who's aggressive, knows what they want, and pushes to get it. Plus, I think Tracy's a bit androgynous for my tastes. I hate to say it too. She's a pretty girl. I think I enjoy even more feminine women though. I like seeing a girl in makeup that's more dramatic, and sexier clothing. Her mannerisms are very neutral too. I don't know why, but I guess that matters to me. It's not like it matters to me as far as like...me demanding it or anything. It just turns me on more. I can't really help that.

So I'm left wondering if Tracy and I really are going to last. We have perfect matches as far as personalities are concerned, but we don't match at all sexually. I guess that really just leaves friendship, which I don't want to end up as, but it may be that way. More on this later. I have to get to work.

~Jess

OK...if I was really speechless, this entry would be empty. The truth is though, that I had an amazing thing happen to me today. I got my first real job! My interview yesterday seemed as though there wasn't anything special about me. Yet today at 3:30, my phone rang. It was the job offer! Apparently both the HR person and the person I interviewed with yesterday really liked me! I was blown away. Totally and completely...

I was extended the offer, and I was freaking out. I very calmly asked if I could have an hour or two to think about it. Essentially I needed to calm down and think things through before I gave my answer. After a fit of me jumping around and yelling my celebrations, I called my dad and told him. He was really happy to hear it. I told him I was planning on accepting, and he said that he would too.

After that, I called back and accepted. I start on February 5th. My whole day was just incredible after that. For about an hour my whole body tingled. I'm still shocked really. I don't think it'll set in until my first day. I keep thinking...wow...I'm going to have my own health insurance. I'm going to have expendable income! I'm going to be able to pay off my credit card debt! I get to move out!! SWEET!! Haha.

Anyway, that's my incredible news of the day. Now...I'm off to try to sleep. Talk to you soon.

Luv,

Jess