Blog

Sorry, I just had to use a Cowboy Bebop reference somewhere. Today at the conference, I had a really good time. Despite the lack of any decent sleep last night, I was suprisingly aware most of the day. By little sleep, I mean practically none. I got maybe two hours, neither of which gave me any rest. Whenever I go on a trip staying in the hotel, the first night I can't sleep....ever. My body just doesn't like it in a strange place like that I think. There's also the fact that two people in the room snore really bad. That kept me up too, but I can't blame them for it.

Here I am though, lying on a couch in the memorial union at the campus of Iowa State University, marvelling at just how far I've come in the past two years. There's no way at all I'd have placed myself at a national queer conference. On top of that, I'm completely comfortable here and even presented, which went wonderfully by the way. It's just strange to think back to my homophobic days. I'm happy now with who I am, very happy. I'm proud to be at this point. I really don't quite understand why so much; I just am. That's plenty enough for me.

I find myself seeking out solitude this time of night for some odd reason. I think perhaps I've been surrounded by people all day long and just need that "me" time. I'm just one of those types that needs solitude once in a while. There's also a bit of melancholy in my mood tonight. I've been watching couples all day. In most cases they seem very happy together, and so in love. I suppose I should expect that on Valentine's Day. I, personally, have never experienced this day with a significant other. To me, tis day has always signified my continual and perpetual loneliness that follows me everywhere. Maybe someday this day will have some good meaning for me too, but not this time. Now that the dance has started, I think I'm just going to go home early. I need the sleep anyway. Good Night all.

Luv,

Jessica

In the past week, I have had more stress than I've experienced in a long time. It was a problem building for a few weeks and finally came to it's head this Tuesday and Wednesday. I was just so involived with all my campus jobs and activities that my classes were suffering. After my japanese test on Wednesday, I decided I needed to makes some changes. Pep Band is now gone. It was last on my list, which made it the first to go.

I was so exhausted Tuesday night at the game that my band mates were a bit worried. I went home and practically passed out right away. The next morning I felt just as exhausted as the night before. It was then I made the decision. I think it was a good choice. The rest of the week was much better.

Thursday I had my first estrogen shot. The shot itself wasn't that bad. The achy thigh all through the next two days was though. So far, I haven't noticed any difference emotionally or physically. I'm sure it's too early to tell though.

The other pain on Thursday was my laser consultation. I knew what to expect physically, so that was fine. It was the price that hurt the most. @2745 for just my chest. I'm not even going to mention the other prices. 'Ouch' is enough to describe it.

Right now I'm actually in a hotel. I'm about to go to sleep. The biggest day of the big gay conference is tomorrow. It should be fun. I have my breakout session at 10:30. I'm looking forward to it. I'll write again tomorrow on how it went. Wish me luck. Good night.

Luv,

Jessica

I have a headache today. I'm not exactly sure why. It could be several reasons. It's cold out, and when I came in I felt it. So it could be that, but I also haven't had much caffine today. So that could be it too. But also, I didn't get much sleep last night. It's probably a combination of all three. The headache itself isn't all that bad, just a little pain around my left temple and a little further back. I think it's getting better too. I hope so.

I have to give my workshop today. It's in about an hour. I'm not nervous at all, but I never feel prepared the first time during the semester. I have some ideas for this one though. I think it'll be fun, and also a good preparation for next weekend. I will be speaking at the MBLGTACC....I think that's right. The Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference. It's quite a few words in there, but yeah. It's a big conference, so I'm excited. It'll be good to have this dry run through. I can perfect it if I need to.

Well, I better start preparing for it then. I need to gather my materials and work out an outline. I'll write about it later tonight. Wish me luck. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Last night I had to house my parents in my apartment. I knew I had to do it, and overall it wasn't that bad. It was only one night. They had to come to my therapist this morning. So, it was a necessary thing, but still not that much fun.

They got here at about 11:00 pm last night. I was tired already. We all didn't get to sleep until midnight and had to be up at 6:00 or so. That's not enough sleep for me. I have been attempting to get 8 hours each night. My body and brain function just feels so depleted when I'm sleep deprived like that, especially when I have to drive a long way. I guess I can try for that next week.

The actual therapy session went well. No one cried. My mom tried to at one point, but got herself together. I am quite the lucky trans person to have family like I do though. My parents are completely supportive. I couldn't ask for better. .....well ok, maybe richer parents so I don't have to worry about SRS and HRT costs, but we can't have everything.

Speaking of HRT, last week I was prescribed injectible estrogen. It may help kick start the breast growth I haven't been getting much of. It'll be self-injections, which kinda scares me. I'll deal with it though. I learn how to do them in a week. The worst part of the whole thing is that my insurance company wont cover this version. Patches were ok, but injectible not ok. So I had to shell out $143 for 5 ml of hormone. The needles were only 7 bucks, so that's good I guess. Except that they're an inch and a half long. We'll see how that goes a week from today.

Well, I have to get to the LGBT meeting. More later.

Luv,

Jessica

So, since I actually haven't been able to write anything since December 8th, there's been a ton that went on. I actually finished up the semester at school quite well. I ended up with a 3.80. That's my best GPA yet. I'm very proud of that. I'm going to shoot for higher in this semester.

I didn't get to mention this much, but I had been seeing a girl kinda sorta for the last few weeks. Her name was Leslie. She's a nice girl. We hung out a lot during the last two weeks. It was nice to be close to someone again. Although, I learned that I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of dating anyone just yet. I thought I was. I thought it was even what I wanted, but it's not. I really did like cuddling and being close, but I'm just not comfortable with my body enough yet to be able to get closer than that. I feel good knowing this now. I'm ok with being single for a while longer.

I did have to tell her this though. That wasn't so easy, but it went well. I don't think I could have said it any better when I told her. She understood and took it very well. So we were still friends. Winter break rolled around and she headed back to her California home.

Late in December there was an earthquake in mid Cali, which, granted, is a rather large area. Still, I was worried about her, so I called. She was fine, but we ended up talking a lot. There were a lot of long conversations over the next few weeks, which were nice. I felt it strange though, that the more I got to know her, the more she just felt like a friend and less like a girlfriend. It was kind of a confirmation that I made the right decision to not date. Unfortunately though, these conversations seemed to be giving her the wrong idea. Oops. That I'll get to in a minute.

Break in itself wasn't all that fantastic. I spent the entire two first weeks in the projection booth at the movie theater. I started a ton of movies. Thankfully I know that job so well that I used the time inbetween shows to read a few books. I even worked Christmas day, New Years Eve night, and New Years day. I never do anything special on those days anyway, except Christmas morning. So it was no big deal. I couldn't wait to get back to school though. I was so sick of having to constantly correct my family's use of pronouns. I'm not a girl to my family, and I can feel that sentiment when I'm at home. I really don't enjoy it.

Finally the third week in, I came back up here. It was nice to be back, but that Monday and Wednesday was 3 hours of electrolysis both days. I took Tylenol PM both times and was just really out of it for the whole thing. That really helped with the pain. They were impressed that I was able to handle that much, but I did. I do what I have to. The rest of that week I spent playing Knights of the Old Republic. That kept me up to all hours of the night, but it was a ton of fun. I recommend it.

The last two weeks were training at work. I had a two week paid training camp for my campus job. It wasn't so bad, but half of the stuff I already knew. I even taught a few of the workshops. That's fine though, it was money. That was pretty much it for my break. I then started up school then. It's been really cold, and really busy since. I'll write more on that specifically later. I have to actually go do some work now. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica