Posted on March 25th 2004, 5:07 am
Last night was our LGBT group's social at a nearby club. I've never gone clubbing before, so it was a new event for me. Because most of our members are under 21, we had planned for 18 and up night. So, there were a lot of young people there. I felt so old compared to everyone else. Most of my group was under 21. I'm the vice president, so I felt responsible. I pretty much deemed myself the chaperone for the night.
That was pretty much my excuse. I have a very hard time letting go when it comes to dancing. It's one of the few fears I have yet to conquer. So, yeah...I was the chaperone in my mind. That kept me in my little "I don't want to dance" shell. I sat there and felt sorry for myself for about 2 hours. I watched the dancing, checked out the girls, and chatted with the friends that came to the table to rest. It was dreadfully boring...until something happened.
There was a girl checking me out for about half the time I was there. I had noticed earlier. I thought she was cute, so I kept making eye contact with her. She eventually came over and asked me to dance. I had to. I wasn't going to turn her down. So I broke out of my shell and went. She was a cute little Mexican girl named Lola. She seemed surprised when she asked me my age and I told her I'm 23. She then told me she was 20. I can tell you right now, she wasn't 20. She was probably 18.
Anyway, it was fun. She actually worked at the club and eventually had to get back to her job. I talked with her a little bit and that pretty much solidified that she was not 20. It was fairly obvious, but it still was a self esteem booster for me. My friends were nothing but questions when I went back to them. A few of them were proud of me. I had a big grin on my face too. The last hour we were there was actually fun. I should go out dancing more. My fear of dancing better watch out. I'm coming to break it down.
After the club closed, we all went to Denny's to eat. It was fun too. I made a new friend. My two lesbian friends were making this straight, old couple very uncomfortable. We could tell they were trying not to stare at them. There was a table of mexican guys that were checking me out very obviously. That was uncomfortable for me. And then two drunk guys came over to hit on our table. We were just leaving. So that saved us that trouble. All in all it was a fun night. It definitely was a self-esteem builder for me. I needed it after that heartbreak of mine a few weeks ago.
I slept over at my friend Emilie's house. I had this dream I could fly...and eventually was wearing the supergirl outfit. That was fun. I was happy to see myself as female even in my dreams. That's been happening on a more regular basis now. It's taken a year for my brain to forget my former male body. I was just so used to seeing that body that my brain took this long to adjust to what I look like now. I'm relieved about that. I like being me all the time.
Speaking of sleep, I should probably get some. It's been quite the few days. Good night all.
Posted on March 23rd 2004, 11:02 pm
Yesterday was a fun day. I went out to lunch with my high school friend Ashley. We don't get to see each other much, so it was fun. We talked for a good four hours or so. During that time we visited the high school just for fun. I haven't been there in at the very least a year. It's very different now. They've added on and changed a bunch of stuff. It was interesting.
I found it somewhat difficult to find my way around though. Eventually I did manage to run into some former teachers. My old biology teacher mistook me for my sister. I had to correct her. That was fun. However, none of the teachers were really shocked with me. It was actually kind of disappointing. It's fun when they're all surprised. Overall it was good though. I now have my old teacher's e-mail address.
I also visited my old workplace; the grocery store I worked at for 5 years. My manager there is so cool about the whole thing too. Him, my old coworker friend Joel, and I chatted for a while too. It was good to catch up with them. I love knowing I can still go back to those places without trouble. Friends are wonderful.
So on that subject, last night I visited one of my bestest friends, Seth. He and Dawn, one of my other bestest friends broke up recently after two and a half years. Seth and I talked about it for a while. We never ever get to talk anymore. We ended up talking for about 6 hours. I was there from like...9 pm until almost 4 am. It was worth it though. I love my friends.
During our talk, we covered just about everything: Relationship stuff, faith stuff, spirituality, sexuality, and even friendship as a whole. He was worried about me because he wasn't able to be there for me all the time. We live about 3 hours apart. I reassured him though. He doesn't have to see me through every problem. Just knowing that I have friends like him that care so much helps me get through the tough times. I really and truly love my friends. I mean that.
Tonight is club night. I've never gone to a queer club before. In fact, I've never gone to any type of club. I'm not sure how it's going to be. I'm going to try to have fun. I'll have a lot of my LGBT friends there to hang with too. I think it'll be ok. I better get going though. I have to be out there to meet my friends pretty soon. Bye.
Posted on March 22nd 2004, 5:19 am
Today was a good day. I woke up late and had a good breakfast. I wished my sister a good trip back to school. Her spring break was different than mine. My parents went with her. So I had the house to myself and nothing to do. It was nice. I played Nintendo for a while, and then headed out for some shopping.
I decided to finally get together with a trans friend of mine who has the same name as me. I seem to be meeting a lot of Jessicas lately. We went to the mall and some other places. I bought a ton of stuff...more than I should have. That's fairly normal for me recently. It was a fun time though, and I need the clothes anyway.
I stopped at the Wal-Mart I worked at over the summer on my way home. I had to since most of my old coworkers are still there. They miss me I guess. I got hugs all over the place. I ended up just chatting for at least an hour. We laughed a lot. I now will always leave my female friends using the phrase "Don't blow out your vagina". The phrase "blow out your vagina" was used by Dr. Schrang on Saturday, and it made me laugh. I just had to share it, despite the fact that it would be really bad if it happened after SRS. Nevertheless, the girls at Wal-Mart and I laughed quite a bit from that phrase. I love it.
When I got home, my parents were getting back from taking my sister to school. We ended up getting into a very in depth conversation on surgery and a whole slew of related topics. It was very friendly. So with that, my mother was moody last night. My dad had informed me this morning anyway that she was moody and he didn't agree with what she was saying. So that made me feel better. I did tell my mother tonight how grateful I am. I felt good about that.
My parents are very interested in the process of this surgery too. They want me to get it done as soon as I can. They even said that the end of this summer would be the best. So, we're going to shoot for that. I'm happy. Now I just need to get my approval letter from my therapist group. That shouldn't take long. I'm going to call up and make an appointment tomorrow. I also have to call the surgeon's office tomorrow to get more information. It's going to be an exciting 6 months. I hope everyone reading this diary regularly keeps reading, because it's the perfect time to learn about SRS. Anyway, with that excitement, I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. Good Night everyone.
Posted on March 21st 2004, 6:37 am
It's amazing how a day can be ruined by a single moment. I just got in an argument with my mother right before she went off to bed. She thinks I'm an ungrateful child. She think that all this time they've been helping me, that I've just been planning on taking the money and running. I apparently have no intention of ever paying them back.
When I finally realized what her point was, I was so hurt I started crying. All this time, I had been planning on giving them back everything and more. I wanted to be able to pay my parents back ten fold. I also wanted to become someone they could be so proud of. Someone they could say to everyone "yup, that's our daughter." She didn't realize that apparently. She says I don't care about other people's opinions. If that's true, then I know who I got it from, because everything I said bounced right off her. I just don't like her opinion on always telling me to change my hairstyle. She and my sister are the only two that don't like it.
God I can't stop crying. She has no idea how much it hurts to hear that from her. I made an appointment to see my kidney doctor. I was told that I need to be monitored to insure that my kidney function is ok. They told me I'm a high risk patient. My mother thinks I shouldn't go, because she doesn't like the guy I see all based on a couple comments by a friend of hers. My mom is one of very little faith. She could be working with a doctor for 30 years, and if one little thing went wrong, she'd leave.
I'm going to check to make sure if this guy is covered under our new insurance plan. If he's not, the appointment is cancelled. I'm just sick of the whole thing. I do need to get a check up though. So in that case, I'll find another doctor. Ugh, she's just so frustrating at times. She never listens to anything I say. I told her everything I knew about SRS, and she wouldn't believe it. When she heard it all today at the seminar, I was right. Ugh, no faith whatsoever.
I'm going to stop bitching and finish crying. Bye.
Posted on March 21st 2004, 5:24 am
How's that for a good song title? I'm sure I could come up with lyrics to fill in around it. Anyway, It's been a good couple days here. Thursday, after saying goodbye to my Doctor, I went and hung out with a friend, Audrey. I've only really met her at a couple conferences. She saw one of my workshops and has been chatting with me ever since. She's really cool though.
We met and chatted. We've been getting to be better friends online through AIM a lot recently. She's been dating someone, but recently broke up with her. I seem to have wonderful talent with meeting girls in that stage as of recent. She's a cute, nice girl. I hope we get to be better friends.
On to the second in the title: Breasts. I think I got my dad's side of the family's genes. My aunt and grandma were very small breasted. My mother's side of the family is not. I'm just not growing at all, even with injectible estrogen. I'm beginning to accept that if I want to be any standard cup size, I'm going to need augmentation. I really didn't want implants, but I'm starting to be ok with it.
Today was very cool...which brings us to the third topic in the subject line. I met Dr. Eugene Schrang today. He's one of the worlds best SRS surgeons. He did a presentation sponsored by a local trans group. My parents, a couple friends and I went to see it. I even have a picture of myself and him. That'll be up after my spring break is done.
We learned his entire procedure and got to see step by step results. He even showed us comparison results of 28 other surgeons from around the world. Apparently he gets a lot of trans women that come to him after their surgeries with other doctors wanting him to fix their mistakes. I found it amazing to see the results, especially of how horrible the south asian results were. I knew not to go there, but I'm definitely not ever going to now.
Before, I was pretty sold on Brassard in Montreal. Now I think I want to go with Schrang. He just has so much experience and knowledge about what he does. He's been doing it for a long time now and really has perfected his work. Also, I wouldn't have to worry about waiting lists or anything. I asked him about it, and he said he would have no problem taking me when I would need it. That was a big thing for me.
So with this all in mind, I had been thinking of waiting until winter of next year or maybe even summer. Now, I'm thinking of going back to my original idea of the end of this coming summer. Since my chest isn't really responding anymore and I can get it done whenever I want to, it really seems like the best choice. I'm going to find out Schrang's official prices on Monday. I'm expecting to cringe. We'll see. I'll post them on here that night. OK, now I'm going to get some sleep. Good night.