Blog

I'm not home after my 30 hours of work in two days. I have seen enough of a movie theater for quite a while. Thankfully, I should now be able to afford January's rent. It went well up until the last half hour. I got into a big argument with a coworker over use of the phrase "that's gay". As soon as the words came out of her mouth I said "Don't use that phrase. It's offensive to a lot of people, including me." And she tried to say how she didn't mean it that way. We got into a long debate on how it doesn't matter how she means to say it, it's still offensive. It's equivalent to a racial slur. She claimed that she has her own opinions. I told her that in this case, it doesn't matter what her opinion is. The only opinion that really matters is the one of the minority group the word refers to. It's offensive...bottom line. Don't use it. She eventually stopped the debate and left claiming she has her own opinions. I wanted to kick her across the lobby. I didn't of course....but some people definitely needed it. I should have called her blonde, since she is, and then said I didn't mean it mean. I somehow don't think it would have helped any though. Some people just lack the ability to rationalize and sympathize.

This weekend has really been nothing but frustrating for me. I'm sick of hearing random male pronouns in reference to me. I don't often hear my former name at home anymore, but I think it happened once by my sister. I suppose once isn't as bad as it could have been. Still though, the amount I heard male pronouns way overshoots the potential success with the name. I was cringing all weekend pretty much. I never had any plans of cutting ties, but geez, I'm considering it now. Well...maybe I just don't want to come home anymore. I wish I could get away with that. Maybe next time I'm home I'll wear it big and clear on a shirt or something, "Do I LOOK like a guy to you? Didn't think so."...I dunno. I'm just sick of it. I wanna go back to school. They don't have a clue how much of an insult that is. I didn't go through all this pain and suffering just to be called a guy all the time.

On top of that, I learned this weekend that as of January first, my Dad's company is switching insurance companies again....so it's March all over again. I get to freak out over wheather they will cover anything at all or not. If I'm really lucky...my copay will go down. If I'm lucky it'll stay the same or only go up a dollar or so. Otherwise...yeah, I'm screwed. I can't afford Estrogen patches, Progesterone, Spironolactone, and Finasteride on the money I make at school. I'll definitly be up shit creek.

Oh yeah, on the topic of hormones, I come home and mentioned to my sis that I was curious whether people would be talking or flipping out because I have boobs now. She's like....I didn't notice any. What a nice sister. Now my self image is just down the shit whole and I'm again wondering if I imagined the breast growth or not. I mean, I know I'm not responding very well at all in the chest area. Even with the recently added progesterone....not much of anything. I think the same amount of growth as I did in the last three months. I think my body gets used to the levels and just stops responding after about two weeks. That's how I've felt it everytime they change my prescriptions around. It's just so depressing. I know boobs don't make a girl...but it's an important thing to a TS. Still, I wanted to slap my sister too.

Anyway, It's been a long two days, and I'm going to bed. I'll write again soon.

Luv,

Jessica

I figured I'd make an entry since Lauren has been trying so hard to write me off my own page. This past week has been keeping me on my toes I guess. I had a bad day on Tuesday. Did bad on two tests, one of which I literally never had time to study for. The other isn't really a test you can study for. So I was screwed both ways. Since it's the holidays, everyone was checking out a laptop at work for the long weekend. Usually I can study at work, but not this time. Ug. Not fun.

Tuesday night was nominations for the LGBT officers. I was nominated right away for President. Then I was also nominated for VP. So in the event I don't get President, I'll get VP. I know I really have no choice in the matter of being on the exec staff. Everyone seems to want me there. I don't even know if I want to be there. I've never held office and I'm nominated for President. I think I'd feel a bit like Arnold, only I didn't really choose to run.

This past weekend was the Women's Leadership Conference. I had my workshop first thing Saturday morning. It went really well. I was able to compress the information into just under 50 minutes. That's impressive considering I usually go at least 40 minutes longer. All day long I had random people complimenting me on it though. At noon, someone told me that it was still her favorite of the whole event thus far. That was cool. I had printed 50 business cards before leaving, and came back with about 7. Oh, and there was interest in buying stuff from my former store too. Seems a lot of people want the "T-Friend" shirt. Now's when I get the "demand" part of the supply and demand thing. I should have waited.

The whole event was fun. For the first time I felt accepted and part of the group. I felt accepted as a woman. That was a great feeling. It was a mentally exhausting day though. Nonstop learning. There were workshops from 10 am to 9 pm. There were a couple breaks in there for food, but aside from that it was go go go. I had to take a break at one point just to relax. I needed it. I even ran into an old friend from High School. That was cool.

The bad part was that night. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. The rest of the girls in my room wanted to go see the singer that they had that night. So, I caught a ride back to the hotel on my own. Well, when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key to the room. I went to the front desk, but one girl had signed for all the rooms. So, my name wasn't on the list and I couldn't get a key. So I went back and sat there. While sitting there, I realized that of all the women that were at the seminar, I was the only MTF transgirl. Not that this is uncommon for me or anything, but still, it was upsetting. Just a reminder of my loneliness. I cried right there in the hallway.

After a few minutes I decided to get up and go to the bathroom because I really didn't want to be found. I cried in the bathroom for a while until I could regain control of my emotions again. I then returned to waiting in the hall until finally someone showed up. Once I got into the room, I just wanted to go to sleep. The rest of the girls were planning on drinking and meeting some boys. So, while lying there in the dark room, alone again...I came to another realization. I don't fit in with these girls. It wasn't just a spur of the moment thing though. It was based on the whole weekend. It was amazing how much of a 180 degree turn it was since earlier that day. So, I cried more...this time harder. Eventually I fell asleep.

Yeah, so overall the weekend was good....just had a couple down spots. I just hope the next time I do a conference like that, it's after SRS. At least I wont be so self-conscious about hiding that bulge. Also, electrolysis will be done, so I wont have to worry about swimming either. God I can't wait. Hopefully then, no more transitional worries. Well...time to end this long post. Good night everybody and Happy Thanksgiving.

Luv,

Jessica

This week has just been kicking my ass. I write this now, at 12:36 am when I should be getting to bed because it's the first opportunity I've had to write anything. I had tests this week, I had work, and I had preparing to do for tomorrow. Speaking of which, tomorrow is the first day of the women's leadership conference that I am speaking at. I'm hoping it'll be fun. I'm not sure if I'm really prepared for it, but I think I'll do ok.

So, I felt bad about my sentiments towards Chris, the boy I spoke of in my last entry. So, I decided to talk to him more. I figure, even though he annoyed me last Friday, that doesn't mean I should completely blow the guy off for good. I know if I chat with him more, I may even be able to help him with the issues even he knows he has. I spent a good deal of time talking with him a couple nights ago, and I think I helped. Time will tell there.

This conference has me thinking a lot. There are going to be a lot of women at this event. The question is, am I really ready to try to start looking for a relationship again? Do I want to seek out someone? Am I emotionally ready for that? I'm not sure if I am yet. I definitely still have body image issues to clear up. I dunno, maybe another year of being single and dealing with hair removal and surgery and such. Then maybe I will be comfortable enough with myself and my body. Then maybe I might be ok with a relationship. Then again, maybe a relationship is just what I need right now. We'll see what happens in the next few days. I hope at least I make some new friends. Well, I better get going. I got some stuff still to do before I get some sleep. G'night all.

Luv,

Jess

If anyone knows about my job, they may think that the subject of this entry reflects the all-nighter we had this weekend, but no, it doesn't. Last night I decided to hell with it. I need to force myself into a good schedule. So, with the help of some friends, I did. I stayed up all night. I'm feeling it right now. In 45 minutes I'm going to get some coffee and some breakfast. I don't need the breakfast nearly as much as the coffee. It's going to be a long 12 hours. I wont get home tonight until around 7:45 pm. It's 7:20 am right now. Yeah...not too happy with myself right now.

One thing I'm particularly not proud of is that when it was time to take my friends back to their dorm, one of them was asleep on my futon. We woke her up and she just rolled over and fell asleep again. I made a joke beforehand that we could always try the shaving cream and feather trick, but I was only joking. Well, the other person thought it was funny and wanted to do it. I, being tired and stupid, thought it would be funny. If I had been awake I may have given thought to the consequences of my actions. Yeah, that didn't happen. So the plan went off without a hitch and she woke up. Yeah, she wasn't too happy about that either. She didn't say anything the whole way home, and slammed the door. I am going to apologize profusely when I talk to her next. I feel like a huge jerk...probably because I am.

Well, I'm going to focus on staying awake for a while. Write soon.

Luv,

Jessica

So I saw the Matrix Revolutions Friday night. I personally don't see what is so bad about it. I liked it, and I'm going into film and video production! The ending was a bit over the top, yes, but that's my only complaint. The only major thing I didn't enjoy was the person I was sitting next to during the film. He was talking and making dumb comments I'm sure he thought were funny. His name is Chris and he's a straight ally to the LGBT. Furthermore, he's immature and is always looking for attention. He drove me insane and I wanted to smack him. I wasn't the only one too. The girl on the other side of him actually covered his mouth up at one point. Grrr.

This boy wants to run for the open position in the LGBT next semester. No offense to him, but I think a lot of people in the group would resent him being in office. I mean, it's the LGBT. Having a straight person in office doesnt really make sense. The other issues, which are a bit more important, are that one: he is immature. I don't think he's ready to handle that responsibility. And Two: He's a total closet case. Most of us think he's gay just by the way he acts, and on top of that, he feels the need to reassert his heterosexuality every five minutes. He's totally afraid of himself. It would be difficult for him if he decided to come out and be in office at the same time. Oh and on top of all of that...I'm running. He's a fool if he thinks he's going to get the position over me. (Crap...my ego is showing...hehe) Actually though, I have a lot of friends in the group. People know I'm active and that I'm responsible. I'm fairly certain I'll get the position anyway.

Well, enough of my bitchin. I'm going to bed. G'night all.

Luv,

Jessica