Posted on November 30th 2003, 8:25 am
I'm not home after my 30 hours of work in two days. I have seen enough of a movie theater for quite a while. Thankfully, I should now be able to afford January's rent. It went well up until the last half hour. I got into a big argument with a coworker over use of the phrase "that's gay". As soon as the words came out of her mouth I said "Don't use that phrase. It's offensive to a lot of people, including me." And she tried to say how she didn't mean it that way. We got into a long debate on how it doesn't matter how she means to say it, it's still offensive. It's equivalent to a racial slur. She claimed that she has her own opinions. I told her that in this case, it doesn't matter what her opinion is. The only opinion that really matters is the one of the minority group the word refers to. It's offensive...bottom line. Don't use it. She eventually stopped the debate and left claiming she has her own opinions. I wanted to kick her across the lobby. I didn't of course....but some people definitely needed it. I should have called her blonde, since she is, and then said I didn't mean it mean. I somehow don't think it would have helped any though. Some people just lack the ability to rationalize and sympathize.
This weekend has really been nothing but frustrating for me. I'm sick of hearing random male pronouns in reference to me. I don't often hear my former name at home anymore, but I think it happened once by my sister. I suppose once isn't as bad as it could have been. Still though, the amount I heard male pronouns way overshoots the potential success with the name. I was cringing all weekend pretty much. I never had any plans of cutting ties, but geez, I'm considering it now. Well...maybe I just don't want to come home anymore. I wish I could get away with that. Maybe next time I'm home I'll wear it big and clear on a shirt or something, "Do I LOOK like a guy to you? Didn't think so."...I dunno. I'm just sick of it. I wanna go back to school. They don't have a clue how much of an insult that is. I didn't go through all this pain and suffering just to be called a guy all the time.
On top of that, I learned this weekend that as of January first, my Dad's company is switching insurance companies again....so it's March all over again. I get to freak out over wheather they will cover anything at all or not. If I'm really lucky...my copay will go down. If I'm lucky it'll stay the same or only go up a dollar or so. Otherwise...yeah, I'm screwed. I can't afford Estrogen patches, Progesterone, Spironolactone, and Finasteride on the money I make at school. I'll definitly be up shit creek.
Oh yeah, on the topic of hormones, I come home and mentioned to my sis that I was curious whether people would be talking or flipping out because I have boobs now. She's like....I didn't notice any. What a nice sister. Now my self image is just down the shit whole and I'm again wondering if I imagined the breast growth or not. I mean, I know I'm not responding very well at all in the chest area. Even with the recently added progesterone....not much of anything. I think the same amount of growth as I did in the last three months. I think my body gets used to the levels and just stops responding after about two weeks. That's how I've felt it everytime they change my prescriptions around. It's just so depressing. I know boobs don't make a girl...but it's an important thing to a TS. Still, I wanted to slap my sister too.
Anyway, It's been a long two days, and I'm going to bed. I'll write again soon.