Blog

I know I've been keeping everyone in suspense with what has been happening in my life since my last post. So much has happened since, that I figured it'd be a lot easier to save it and write one really long entry. So, here goes.

My family went to see my therapist on January 10th. It went well. My mom cried right away, but both my parents were very supportive. They have truly amazed me with their love and support. Then we got to my little sister. Here's where I finally learned what my sister thinks of all this. She thinks I'm a completely different person than I was before. She also thinks we now have nothing in common anymore. We used to be close. My parents tried to show her that I'm no different than before. Nothing about my personality has changed, but she didn't really hear it. I think what it actually is that's bothering her is that she's in a form of denial. She wants me to be a different person. That way she can hate me. I also think part of it is that she isn't getting her way. She's the youngest in the family and is also spoiled. This isn't what she wants and she's making that clear. She's young and I think she just needs time. Once she's out of high school and into college, she'll grow up a little.

Anyway, we then moved on to my Uncle, who really just chimed in whenever he felt like it. He was very supportive and had some really good stuff to say, but he can be repetitive. That's something I think that a few of my uncles have. When he got done, my older sister got to talk. She pretty much said that I'm still the same goofy person she always knew and that she'll love me and support me the whole way. Her boyfriend was there to be supportive too. We did a very clich├ęd group hug at the end. All in all, it turned out well.

That night we ate at my Uncle's place, then we stayed in a hotel. We all went to bed at Midnight. I couldn't sleep for the first hour. After that, my dad started snoring. At 3:15 in the morning, I had enough. I left the room and sat in the lobby. At 4:00 I was so exhausted that I went back to the room and passed out on the bed. At 9:00 I had to get up. We drove back home. My sister missed an exit and got all confused when we got closer to home. We figured out how to get back on track and finally got home. When we all got there, a big fight ensued as to what happened. It was bad. Then, once we were all in terrible moods, we all went out to eat as a family. That day was not nearly as good as the previous one.

Tuesday that week was the next road trip. This time my friends all piled into the van and we all drove up to my therapist. It was a long day, but a lot of fun. My friends are the most wonderful friends on earth. I drove the whole way, which ended up being about ten hours on the road. Thankfully I didn't really get that tired during the trip. While we were at the therapist, I think we were starting to annoy him a bit. We were all joking around and laughing too much. We were really trying to stay focused though. I think it was fine. I wish I had more time like that with my friends. One thing I did notice, and I have made a point of it before. This time though, it was very obvious. My friends that have known me longer are much more reluctant about this whole thing than my friends who've known me less. That makes tons of sense though. Either way, they're all still supportive and loving.

Thursday of that week I saw the kidney specialist, or nephrologist. We discussed the possibility of taking hormones with a polycystic kidney disease diagnosis. The risk involved with taking hormones is that they could cause the cysts to enlarge. That's not a good thing obviously. So, I asked him about the multiple methods of taking hormones. I had thought that transdermal estrogen would be the best route due to the lack of processing by the liver. He told me that even though it does bypass the liver processing, the hormone is still present in the system to cause an enlargement of the cysts. So it wouldn't really matter what form I took it in. However, he told me that as long as we keep a close watch on my health, it should be ok. That made me very happy to hear.

That weekend I packed my stuff up to head back to school. The only thing I did before I left was catch my sister's band concert on Sunday night. I need all the points I can get with her. Monday I headed back up to school. Classes started on Tuesday, and that's when I got sick. I caught the stomach flu. I made it through half of my classes on the first day of school. What an impression to make on my professors. I missed Wednesday's classes too. Finally on Thursday I felt ok enough to go to class. I was also finally starting to eat again.

Thursday evening I went to see the endocrinologist again. She unfortunately hadn't received the information from the nephrologist yet. So, it was really a wasted trip. The only news she was really able to tell me is that when she does start me on hormones, it'll be transdermal. The other thing she told me was that it would be risky for me to stay on high dose estrogen for too long. So no matter what I'll have to get a surgery done, be it SRS or orchiectomy. I'd prefer SRS. That's the only thing I got out of the trip that was positive.

I left the place very frustrated though. For the first time I started to think about how that place was actually helping me. I discovered that they are actually adding more emotional tension to my life by making me jump through so many hoops to get hormones. I have already satisfied the requirements for the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. It just makes me angry that they can still tell me no. Hopefully they wont say no. I really don't see any reason for them to deny me. I'll keep you all posted on what happens. Until my next novel of a diary entry....

Luv,

Jessica

The worst has happened. The results came back from the ultrasound. I test positive for polycystic kidney disease. As the name implies, I have many cysts throughout my kidneys. The biggest one according to the doctor is about a centimeter in diameter. I found out a week ago. I got a call in the morning. When I heard the doctor I knew right away why she was calling. She told me she'd only call if I tested positive. I cried.

My sister saw me crying and asked me what my problem was. I told her why and she said very coldly "What were you expecting? We probably all have it." I said "I probably can't take hormones now." She then stayed quiet. My sister is not the most compassionate person right now. She's very much into herself. Hopefully once her senior year of high school is over, she'll grow past this phase.

To make up for it, I went shopping. At the beginning of winter break my mom and I bagged up all my old male clothing to be given to good will. So, I needed a lot of clothes. I went with my best girlfriend. She took me to all of her favorite stores. We had a blast. I found some great stuff. She gave me this card too. It was a thank you card. She was thanking me for being there for her when she was having relationship troubles. It was so touching. She's such a wonderful person.

Last Friday night was one of my best friend's parties. It wasn't your normal "Dance and get drunk" party. It was a geek party also known as a LAN. I admit it. I'm a geek. The party was a lot of fun. I made sure to dress well to the party too. I wore my new pants and shoes. I really wigged out a couple people there too. That was fun. The party went all night, but I crashed at about 4:30 am. My shopping friend was there too. We all had a great time.

On Monday, I went out and visited some other friends. While we were waiting for one of them to get off of work, we went shopping yet again. With all the sales going on, I found some really great deals. It was great. Shopping is always fun. The only sucky part is finding cute clothes that are too low cut. I don't have a chest yet, so I don't wear anything that would show it off. I can't wait until next year at this time. I'll buy everything. Anyway, once the other friend got off of work, we hung out for the rest of the night. I taught them how to play Uno with cut-throat rules. It was fun.

Then, on Wednesday I hung out with yet another of my best friends. Guess what we did....we went shopping. This time, I hadn't planned on it. It worked out good though. We had fun. After shopping we came back to my house. One of our best friends died a few years ago in a car accident. Monday, January 6th would have been his 22nd birthday. We had a toast to him to remember him. I miss him. No one should die that young.

Thursday I made an appointment with a nephrologist (kidney specialist). My endocrinologist told me to go see one. I still have hope for hormones. I have to talk to this new doctor about my options. I am really thinking that if I were to use the patch form of estrogen, I'd be fine. I'm going to find out in a week. Even if it does harm me, my mom told me some really wise words the other night. I have to weigh quality of life versus quantity of life. Hormones may shorten my life, but if I'm happier in those years, it could very much be worth it.

Well, tomorrow is Friday and also the day my whole family goes to see my therapist. It's a five hour drive from my parents house to the clinic. I hope we don't fight the whole way. I found out that my Uncle is going to come with too and even possibly my sister's boyfriend of I don't know how many years. It should be a good thing. Wish me luck.

Luv,

Jessica

Happy New Years Eve to everyone. I hope everyone's holiday season is going well. Mine is going decently. I had a good Christmas. Santa actually brought me women's clothing this year instead of men's. I was so excited. My mom actually bought me Victoria's Secret underwear. We have to take it back, because unfortunately she got me the wrong style. I can't wear low rise pants with that style. So we're going to exchange them. No problem at all.

Christmas Eve went ok. I was worried it would be difficult with all my family there. It ended up going smoothly. The relatives that came were very nice. The food was good. It was weird though. My mom wanted to show my uncle the sound system my dad has. That's very odd for my mom to want to do. So they put in the oddest Christmas movie I could have thought of: "The Fellowship of the Ring". We hadn't planned on watching the whole thing, but it ended up that we did. That marked the fourth time I had seen that movie in two weeks. All in all, I think it was a good night.

Since Christmas, all I've really done is work. I did get my final grades for last semester. I got a 2.91. To me, that was a good GPA. My mom was disappointed. She doesn't understand what all goes into getting good grades. Studying isn't everything. The other main thing I have done is go in for my medical testing. I had an a whole slew of tests done last Friday and Saturday. It wasn't bad, and so far, everything has come back as normal. I'm just awaiting the results of the ultrasound. That'll tell me for sure if I have the stupid kidney disease or not. I have high hopes though.

Other than that, the only thing that has happened is I've gotten myself into a long distance relationship. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep you all posted. I have to head off to work now. Yup, I work on New Years Eve night. It's sort of my tradition. Every year I do it. I really need to get a life. Anyway, have a happy new year everyone.

Luv,

Jessica

 

School is finally over. I took my last final exam yesterday. It went well. My final grades are almost all posted too. I didn't do as badly this semester as I thought I would. That's definitely a good thing. I'm very glad to be done with this semester too. It was probably my worst semester ever. Not so much with my grades, but with me enjoying school. I can't wait to finally get into some classes I like.

Now that school is over, I'm back at home with my parents. So far things haven't been too bad. I had a heart to heart talk with my mother last night. I think we are going to be ok over these next few weeks. Since Thanksgiving my parents have really become supportive. That has made my last month at school that much better. I think it actually helped me push forward enough to do well on my finals. Otherwise, I may not have had the mental drive to do it.

On Monday I was Christmas shopping in Best Buy. I used my credit card and handed to to the cashier lady. She looked at the card and said to me "This isn't your card." She read my male name on the card and since I look like a female, she questioned it. So, I said to her "It may not look like it, but it is my card," and then showed her my drivers license. She was surprised and finally responded "Oh.....ok." That was a first for me. I told her that had never happened to me before. She apologized, and I told her that it was ok and actually very cool. So, that was my fun experience.

After that, I went to the theater I work at and told the people there about the incident. They said to me "Wow, she thought you were a girl. That's amazing. I've never thought of you as a girl." Another person said, "Yeah, you're a really pretty guy, but definitely not a girl." So, of course, I was really upset by that. It totally ruined it for me. I was thinking "Gee....thanks." At the same time though, give them a few months, and they wont have any trouble thinking of me as a girl. I really really need to start my laser hair reduction. That'll help greatly.

Things are finally starting to happen now. Thursday of this week I went in for an appointment with my therapist and then the endocrinologist. It was the first time I saw her. We went over the basics of hormones, which I knew already. It's good to know I have my expectations for hormones in the right places. I now have a doctors order to get some tests done over break. Unfortunately, my family has a strong history of Polycystic Kidney Disease. That may affect the ability of my body to take hormones. It's uncertain right now whether it will or not. I am going to get tested for it this month. I also have to get my blood tested. After those results are in, I'll find out if the doc will approve me. I'm so excited for that, yet so afraid that this disease will prevent me from taking hormones at all. I don't know how well I would take that. Thankfully, there are other options. When the doc told me that, it really lightened my spirits.

I'm so excited now, because tonight is Lord of the Rings night. I'm meeting my best friend and we are going to see the movie on what's known as "the Ultrascreen." By name, you could figure out that it's a huge screen. The theater has THX sound too. So, it'll be a great time. I asked my friend if he was going to be ok with how I look, as he hasn't seen me for a few months. He was like "Of cour........wait a minute." It was great. You could hear the thought process going in his head. He's a little worried about people thinking we're some gay couple. But I say screw what they think. It'll be fine. It'll be his first experience getting looked at like I get looked at all the time. So, I think it'll be a good thing for him overall anyway.

Well, that's my novel for the week. I probably wont get the chance to write before Christmas. So, just in case, Have a great Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Luv,

Jessica

I can't tell you how much I hate this part of the semester. Everything comes due, and in the music department, it's time to play prepared music for your professor. On Wednesday I have my piano final, and I think I'm going to throw a "No More Piano Class" party that night. I can't stand that class. This semester just sucks, and I'm finding out that it seems to be a bad semester for everyone. Only a few more days and I'm done. It's funny. It reminds me of when I was little and Christmas seemed like it took forever to come. Now, it's the last day of finals that takes forever. Christmas is the added bonus at the end.

Well, Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had expected. My parents have really started to accept me. They were not an issue at all. My relatives came over, and then the fun began. My family is usually one to not say anything and just act as if everything is normal. Then, after the holiday, the rumors and insults start flying. That's pretty much how it went. They tried to ignore the fact that I looked like a girl. My predictions about how they would react came pretty darn close. Two of my uncles came. One is younger, and he reacted very accepting and seemed very sincere. Both my sister and I expected that. My other uncle is the Pentecostal one. He gave me a look when he first saw me that was a combination of "What the?" and "Oh no...not in our family" and "I'm going to have to save him from the fires of hell." It was brief, but I could see it in his eyes. My grandma I think was just shocked and didn't know how to respond...so she didn't. She's not one of the most accepting people though, so I don't expect she's too happy about it.

Aside from the uncomfortable feeling in the air, we had a great dinner. Both my sisters expressed their jealousy to me. I guess I look better in jeans than they do. Hehe...too bad for them. My older sister and I have really started to bond more too. We were never this close in our younger years, and I personally like it. I hope she does too. My little sister on the other hand....she's going through a stage it seems. She's a senior in high school and has an attitude with everyone. I just try to stay out of her way. Over the rest of the weekend, I managed to work 27.5 hours in two days at my job back home. That should help out with paying rent and bills. I drove back to school that Sunday night with a friend and we had a great time.

Little did I know that due to a miscommunication at Hot Topic, I was supposed to work that very Sunday. I of course missed my shift. When I called Monday night to get my schedule, they told me that they had to let me go. I was so confused and upset. I've never lost a job before, especially from missing a shift. I'm more responsible than that. After that call, I called the movie theater to check my schedule there only to find out I was missing a shift that night. There was no way for me to go in and work either. I had my final band concert that night. Thankfully they are very understanding there. Everything worked out. However, I was still upset by it. On top of that, in looking through my closet, I didn't have anything that was feminine and appropriate to wear to the concert. So I had to wear my old guy's dress clothes. I was so mad. I had skirts and things, but I've been trying to ease the school into me, so to speak. They aren't ready for me to wear a skirt yet. Give me a few months yet and then I will. So, with all that, my personal performance in the concert wasn't so great. I was way too distracted with my emotions. It was a hugely disappointing night.

The rest of the week went a lot better. Thursday I got paid and decided to go shopping to make up for the crappy Monday. I found the coolest top ever at JCPenney. It's red with flared sleeves. The sleeves and the bottom of the shirt have bright glitter flames on them. I had to have it. In fact, I wore it today and it was so much fun. I was shedding glitter everywhere though. Digressing back to Thursday, I also went and got some new earrings at Claire's. In a few more days it'll be the full six weeks since I got my ears pieced and I will be able to put new earrings in. So, I was having a good time that night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked. I'm actually starting to enjoy that place. Movie theaters are great places to work. Everyone that works there is wonderful. We're all friends.

Today I had a piano test, which I'm glad is over. It was actually a very relaxing day after the piano thing was done. I fell asleep in a chair in the union. One of my friends found me and woke me up. We talked for a while and caught up. Some of my friends I so rarely get to see despite only living a half mile apart from each other. I also made a new friend later on at the LGBT meeting. The Co-President of the group is a really cool girl. We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. I love making new friends.

Well....as usual, I say I'm going to write a shorter entry, and it's just as long as the last one. This time I wont even say it. Until Next time...Good Night.

Luv,

Jessica