Posted on November 27th 2002, 5:21 am
Wow, I've been lazy lately. Almost two weeks and no diary entry. I had wanted to make my entries shorter instead of writing a book every time too. So much for that idea. It's been a rough couple weeks for me. Thanks to Harry Potter and James Bond, I had a lot of work on the weekends. I needed it too. I am so broke right now. That is the biggest problem for me right now. Lack of money. I hit my first big money problem this past week on pay day. Even with all that work I put in, my paycheck was about half of what I needed to get. I am about $30 short of what I need to pay rent. That puts me in a major bind. My credit card bill is due soon too. Plus, I believe the rest of the house bills arrived too. And with Christmas coming, things aren't looking good. I don't want to, but I'm going to have to beg my parents for help. I hate it when I have to do that.
School has been kicking my butt. This semester is probably one of my worst. It's ranking up there just under my second semester of my freshman year when I failed a class. I don't think I'll fail anything this time, but I just can't stand my classes. It's a good thing there are only two more weeks left of class. If there was more, I'd go insane. My piano class is probably the worst out of all of them. My professor is a new professor. He's from Russia and is really strict. My school has attendance policies that have to be the lamest thing ever. Most teachers don't actually follow the policies, but my piano prof does. I was doing really well in the course despite missing class often. I never got lower than a B+ on a test, but because I missed class more than twice, my grade is at about a C- or D+. You'd think that if we pay that much to go to school, it would be our choice whether or not to go to class, especially if we are doing well in the class. Apparently that's not how it works here at my college. So, I got screwed.
I realized in the past week that I am suffering from depression. I've been through depression before, so I recognized the signs. I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up. My appetite has changed, and I have no motivation to do anything. I also have been down emotionally for a while. I know why I am depressed, but right now, there isn't much I can do about it. I don't want to go on medication, so I'm just going to deal with it on my own. Part of the cause of it is school right now. So, when winter break hits, I think I'll start to feel better. I just have to be patient.
Thanksgiving and the rest of the upcoming holidays has my family on edge. My sister e-mailed me about her nervousness in seeing me on Thursday. It's going to be awkward at first. I think everyone will adjust, but it will take time. I think they will start to get used to me as Jessica and even like me. My sisters may even like me more as a girl than they did when I was a guy. We'll see. I can only hope.
Last Thursday was a very hard night for me. I went out with all my female friends from my music theory class. We ate dinner at the school cafeteria and then went to see one of the Jazz bands perform. Before we went out, I had been excited about it, but as the night went on, my excitement deteriorated quickly. I am attracted to most, if not all of the girls that I hung out with that night. As the night progressed, I truly felt how uninterested they are in me. Don't get my wrong, they are my friends. They just don't want an intimate relationship. It wasn't anything they said to me, or anything we talked about. It was just apparent in their actions. It was very obvious how they feel. I am already lonely. So, having this on my mind combined with my loneliness was very difficult to deal with. When we got to the concert, my ex-girlfriend showed up. We are great friends, so that wasn't a problem. She is moving on though. I am very happy for her in that she has finally found someone to be with again. We sat next to each other during the concert. I spent the entire concert fighting my tears. I didn't want to start crying and ruin the concert for my friends, nor did I want to make a scene. I did, however, want a hug really bad. No one noticed. They just thought I was just tired, and that's why my eyes were red and I wasn't smiling. I learned to cover my emotions up so well, that now it's hard for me to show people how I actually feel even when I'm trying to. I really didn't want to push my problems on my ex, and that's why I didn't say anything. But I wish someone would have told me it was ok and given me a hug. At the end of the concert, I snuck out quietly and no one noticed. I went home and cried there. I doubt anyone had a clue.
Hopefully I can pull myself out of this depression. I know it's going to be hard. I can only pray that I don't sink lower. Let's hope that this Holiday weekend picks me up a little bit. We'll see soon enough. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.
Posted on November 13th 2002, 5:22 am
My last week was a productive one. On Wednesday last week I went to an advising session at the technical college I'm looking into transferring to. That really lifted my spirits up. The school has everything I am looking for and more. It's in a more open minded environment as well. I also found out about an LGBT scholarship that is offered there that I can apply for. From the looks of it, I stand a good change at getting something. All in all, it seems like the best place for me to be. I can't wait to go there. Too bad I have to wait until next school year.
After that, my plans for school finally came together. So I now know what I'm going to do next semester and for the next few years. It feels wonderful to have a plan that will actually work for me. I've picked out my classes for next semester and I'm ready to register. It's going to be a fun semester. I'm taking classes I'm going to enjoy instead of required courses. I really look forward to that, since I really am not enjoying school right now.
The weekend proved to be busy for me. I worked all weekend. Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. We were busy still despite not getting 8 Mile or Santa Clause 2. Saturday night was the most exciting of them all. First off, I worked with cool people. I really am starting to make friends there and enjoy myself while working. That night, I went on my break with two of my better friends there. While eating, a guy walks up staring straight at me. He starts asking questions about the movies we have, and then quickly switches to me. He used the classic line "You look familiar. Have I met you somewhere before?" He starts asking me personal questions. He then sits down at the table my friends and I were at and asks more. He asked me if I was gay, and by this time I knew he was gay already. When I told him I'm not, he tried to cover it up by saying he had a girlfriend. I was thinking "Yeah, bull crap you do." but I said nothing. He tried to make small talk, but thankfully, one of my coworkers was like "Is it time to go back yet?" and I responded "Actually, we're late. Let's go." and we quickly left. It creeped me out. The guy never even introduced himself.
Oh, yeah, on Friday night there were two mentally slow people that I had to serve popcorn to. One of them was like "No offense, but you look like a girl." I said "I know" and continued with the order. He eventually said it again. So I said "I know" again. This time he continued on by commenting about my makeup. After he saw my nails, he started calling me Cinderella. I took his money and he left. I wouldn't have put up with that kind of attitude if the kid wasn't actually mentally slow. He has an excuse. However, next time I get that, no way.
Sunday was dull. The local football game was on at noon, and since we didn't get the big movies that weekend, it was dead. So, the day took forever to end. What an exciting story, huh? That night however, I was talking to my roommate about vocal therapy. I had thought I might talk to the voice professors in the music school, but he had a better suggestion. One of his friends is a Communicative Disorders major and might want to help me. I spoke with her, and she was very enthusiastic about helping me out. She warned me about some of the techniques online as they may be damaging to my vocal chords. She also suggested I go to their clinic. I may be able to get voice lessons for free due to my student status. That would be nice. I was very excited about that.
Monday I impressed myself by going to every single one of my classes. That's a rare thing for me, especially on Monday. That evening I went to Yahoo Transgendered chat and tried out my voice. I have trouble getting unbiased opinions elsewhere, and I'm usually too afraid to talk to my friends using my female voice. So, Yahoo is probably the best for it. I got some really good responses. I apparently sound good. That makes me feel better, but I still want to go to the voice lessons. Practice makes perfect.
Today, Tuesday, I spent way too much money. The extended edition of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring came out today, and I had to get the gift box. So, I broke in my new credit card to get it. Then, I went to Hot Topic and splurged some more on clothes I wanted. I got about $100 worth of clothes, but with my discount, it cost me $60. So, now I have something to watch, and stuff to wear. But, I spent money I don't have. So, that's not good. I need to stay on a budget from now on. We'll see. Maybe I should keep track of that here so that you all can scorn me for spending too much. I did get a very cool Wonder Woman hooded sweatshirt though. Come on...who wouldn't want that? Well, I think yet again it is time for me to get some sleep and end this long diary entry. Good Night and God Bless. :)
Posted on November 5th 2002, 5:22 am
Well this whole 'post once a week' thing is working well for me. It gives me plenty of time to have stuff happen to me to write about. The only problem is that I write too much and things get long. Oh well, long entries are more interesting anyway. This one is definitely going to be long.
This past week had my favorite Holiday of the year. Halloween is always fun for me. I love being able to let myself out in public and be accepted for one day. On Wednesday, I asked my music theory class if I should come as a princess the next day. I was planning on doing it anyway, but I wanted to see the response. Half the class, most of which were my friends, had their hands up. The other half had this look of "you're kidding, right?" on their face. It was funny. So, after that, I felt a little less nervous about going to my classes dressed up. At least I'd have some moral support.
I woke up 2 hours before my first class. Unfortunately, with shaving and everything, I took 2 and a half and missed my first class. That's ok. It was worth it. I froze my butt off walking to campus. When I got there, I walked around until I found someone I knew to walk with for moral support. It took about 20 minutes until I felt ok. It was hard to believe I was standing in the middle of my school dressed as I was. A year ago I would have thought of that as a nightmare. After I relaxed, the fun began. No one recognized me. It would take a few seconds before even people that knew me pretty well could figure it out. That in itself was cool. Everyone was very impressed at my "costume." When I went to class, I got very good reactions from my friends and very funny reactions from everyone else. My professor was probably the best. After that class, I was done for the day with school, but I decided to parade around anyway. I was feeling so wonderful that I wanted to show everyone. So, I bore the cold weather and walked around. I scared one of my former professors. I also surprised the person at the cafeteria. If only my voice didn't give me away.... I really need to work on that.
That night I went to show my employers. My manager at Hot Topic took my picture for me. I put that shot in my pictures if you want to see it. After I went home, I joined up with some friends and went to my second ever college house party. After three years of school, I've only been to two. Anyway, it was fun. I watched everyone else get drunk. Drunk people are funny to watch. I don't drink, so parties have never been much of a draw for me, but I had a good time. After the party, I hung out at my best friend's place. I stayed there until four in the morning. I didn't want to get out of my outfit. I wish I could have that feeling of contentment all the time. However, it'd be nice if I could have that feeling without the medical tape, really thick makeup, and padding. I can't wait to start hormones and laser hair removal.
The weekend was fun. I played in the band at the football game on Saturday. We always have good times at the games. I laughed so hard I cried at this one. Also, I was really surprised. I thought that dressing on Halloween would scare people away from me, but it had the opposite affect. I felt amongst kin. Everyone included me and joked around with me. Now more people talk to me than before. That's so great. On Sunday I had to work. A customer whom I had meet before talked to me. She said she checked out my website and thought it was great. She read the whole thing. I was so surprised and happy. She was so nice. That really made my day. My dad called and it was a good conversation again. We didn't fight at all. So that makes two weeks in a row. Let's keep a count and see how long we can go without fighting. Oh, and I finally got my ears pierced. I went to Claire's and only paid about $15. The first one didn't hurt, but the second one did. They look really pretty. Maybe I'll take a picture and put it up for everyone to see.
Today was really good too. I went to my 9:00 am class for the first time in a week and a half. I've been slacking so bad in that class. I felt very good that I went. I got compliments on my earrings all day. I got my music theory exams back and I aced both of them. My friend actually took her shoe off and hit me with it cause I did so well. That was funny, but it hurt too. Later, when I was walking to get some food, a random person stopped me and told me she went to my website. She said it looked wonderful and I should be proud. She asked me if I was Jessica and told me I'm beautiful. I couldn't believe it. It was so cool. Then, I had band later. I am confused by a girl in my section. She's cute, and she keeps smiling at me real big and goes out of her way to talk to me. Now, I'm very outwardly feminine, so unless she's bisexual or lesbian, I doubt she's attracted to me. But I can't tell. She might be. I dunno. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Tonight I talked to my ex, and she told me she wrote something in my guestbook. I looked and it was really nice. So, I had a really good week. I hope things continue in this trend. I think I'll end my long story here for now. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Until next time....
Posted on October 29th 2002, 5:22 am
This past week was me slowly climbing out of the hole from the week before. I had thought I had found the college I wanted to go to, but found out that it cost about 15 thousand a year. So that ruled that one out. I eventually found another college that isn't private. It seems like it has everything I would want and it's also much cheaper than a private college. So, that seems to be my best option right now. I'm going to see an adviser at that school in a little over a week. I'm excited to see where that may take me. It'd be nice to have some real direction in school again.
I realized late into last week that I haven't had any time to release for a long time. I needed a break from all this work. It just so happened that on Friday I got word of a party that one of my best friends was having for his 2 year anniversary of his store. I decided at the last minute that I was going to go. The store is three hours away from where I live, but it was worth it. It was a costume party, so I decided to go as an elf princess. It's a very similar costume to what I am wearing in one of my pictures, but I had a few more elaborations to it. I had elf ears and this really cool necklace that you wear on your forehead. I did my makeup really well too. My friends actually told me I looked elvish, like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. It was a wonderful compliment. Alas, I took second in the costume competition. I was second only to a cute little 10-year-old ninja. I was actually very happy that the little kid won. Kids deserve that kind of thing. Plus he was being really cute the whole night.
I made a couple friends there and spent most of the time chatting with them. It was a fun time to not think about life or school. I really had a good time. After the party, I slept over night at my friends house. We spent a lot of the night talking. It was just him, his girlfriend (who is also my best friend), and me. I really wish we all lived closer together, because I really miss getting to spent time like that with them. And here I am looking to go to a school further away. I'm a dork...
Sunday night, after I got back home from the party, my mother called me. We actually had a civil conversation completely devoid of arguments. It was actually a good conversation. We discussed many things including my transition, which was the cause of argumentation in the last phone conversation we had. This time, we were talking heart to heart without our emotions getting in the way of our rationale. I think my parents are starting to accept me. I'm so happy about that. Maybe I can go home for Christmas this year after all. That would be wonderful. I hope things continue in this trend.
Well, I start my first official shift at my new job tomorrow, so I'll let you know how that goes. Until then, it's bed time for me. Bye.
Posted on October 22nd 2002, 5:23 am
Well, I had hoped that the weekend would prove to be better than the days before. I'll admit that they weren't as bad, but they were still bad. Friday I took my exam in the morning. I wasn't prepared enough for it at all. I guessed on a lot of the questions. I am just not having the best semester. I don't think I bombed it, but I didn't do stellar, that's for sure. I found out later that day that my piano midterm was next week. The guy who told me didn't have time to tell me the details of what I needed to know for the test. So I was slightly out of luck there. That just ruined any possibility of relaxation over the weekend. I had to work Friday night. It was rather uneventful. One of the local high schools had it's homecoming that night, so hardly anyone came to the movies. Made for a very slow night.
Saturday was easy at first. I slept late. Took the morning slow and had to work that night. It was busy. Unfortunately, I had to work with the new guy again. There's nothing wrong with him, he just works slow. He's new. That's to be expected. The problem was that our manager is a jackass. He seems to be very unprofessional. He wreaks of booze and insults his employees in front of customers. Boy, was I happy to be there working that night.... I had to close the place too, which meant being there until almost one in the morning. The rest of my week was starting to weigh on me again, and I eventually had to hold back my emotions. I was still visibly upset, and my friend that I was working with started asking me stuff. I shared with her as much as I could about it, but as with most, she doesn't understand. When I got off of work, I cried hard on my drive home. I drove slow to be safe. It was hard to see through the tears. I composed myself when I got home. My roommate got home at about the same time, and thankfully he had no idea I had been crying. I don't like to show people my pain. I don't know why. I guess I'm embarrassed to cry in front of people.
Sunday was terrible. I called my parents to talk. They were less than receptive. My mother started an argument. So we fought within a few minutes of being on the phone. She told me that they aren't going to help me at all with paying for anything. I am currently approved for three more visits to my gender therapist. Once that is done, I wont be able to pay to go there anymore. That pretty much shuts the door to transitioning. I really don't know what I'll do. I'm hoping that they will reevaluate me and approve me for more. It's a possibility.
That night, I started looking into other types of schooling. I need to look at all my options. With money being a big issue, I may have to take some time off, or at least drop to part time student. I'm going to have to work a lot more. I've been discussing my options with my best friend, and came up with a framework for me for the next year or so. Hopefully things will work out. I'm really on shaky ground right now. I could use some stability. I really hope that things will start looking up soon. I'm sick of being at the bottom.