If you're looking for a quick emotional boost, try getting 30 some Thank You notes from the class you gave a lecture to a week ago. I was informed via e-mail from the professor that I had a package to pick up from her today. When I had a few minutes free, I went and picked it up. I sat down in my gender studies class and started reading through them. I was getting teary eyed at one point because of what people were writing. Many of them were happy that I opened their eyes and shared my story with them. I felt so proud. It just makes all the hard work I've been struggling through this semester totally worth it. Out of all the 30 some, there was only one moderately negative one. I know I can't reach everyone, but at least I try. The whole thing was wonderful though. What a great way to put a smile on someone's face.

Luv,

Jess

Its' time for Jessica's weekly update. Yeah, I know...I'm not writing as often as I would like to. I'm going to make one excuse and that's that I've been stressed to the point of borderline burnout. This week was pretty tough. I had a lecture to give on Monday, homework due for tuesday, an editorial I thought was due on Wednesday, and research to do on Thursday so I could give the speech on Friday. On top of that, there's a live production we do at the station every semester that I'm now in charge of as the production director. So that's on my shoulders too.

Amazingly, I made it to all my classes but one. I didn't go to my last class of the week. The reason being that I simply didn't want to go. It was a long week and a boring class. I worked hard enough. I also didn't get my homework done for Tuesday in my CS class. I tried to do it, but I'm dumb and didn't write down the password to the database. So I couldn't do my homework. I started late too. Otherwise I could have gone in and gotten the password. But, I wasn't the only one to not do it. So, at least I know I'm not alone.

The lecture on Monday night was great. I had from 5:00 pm until 7:45. I took up the majority of that time. I got a great response from the class. We also watched an episode of Cartoon Network's "Codename: Kids Next Door" called Operation: F.U.T.U.R.E. Basically it's an episode filled completely and entirely with gender stereotypes. The class was really shocked by it, but seemed to enjoy it as well. I'm glad I was able to show it. After the class, several of the students, the professor, and I went out to eat. We had a great chat and I got to make some new friends.

As for my editorial, I was completely under the impression that it was due on Wednesday. However, I was wrong. It wasn't due until Monday of next week and was actually pushed back to next Wednesday. I did the assignment not realizing this. So, I guess I don't have to worry about it anymore. That's less on my chest next week.

My speech was Friday, and it went really well with only one exception. I went over the time limit by about a minute and a half. Thankfully three of us did the same thing. I had fun with the speech though. It was on the affects of Japanese animation on American Culture. I learned a lot about my favorite type of animation. People told me that I was very enthusiastic about the topic, I was well prepared, and the speech was also very extemporaneous (meaning it looked professional, didn't look like i was reading it off a page, etc). I was really happy with it.

Friday night I got off of work at 5:00 and went up the the TV studio for more work. I was shooting the live production...which turns out that it's not live this semester...for five hours. The people in charge of this had no plan whatsoever. I had to pretty much plan the whole thing and start setting it up. I've deemed myself executive producer/director for this, and they said that's fine. So, the whole hour is mine. It's great for my resume, but very difficult on my school and weekend time. After Friday night was done, we spend Saturday shooting for three more hours. At least most of the shooting is done. Now we have a week to edit everything together.

So, now we get to Claire....the verdict on her sexuality is in. Drumroll please.............she's straight. Apparently my gaydar is better than I thought. It was the mixed signals I was getting from her that was confusing. She's a really nice, intelligent girl. I'm very attracted to her, but I try not to be. We hung out a lot last night. One of the LGBT members had a birthday party. So, I gave her a ride since she doesn't have a car. It was a good bonding experience. It's weird in that sometimes I feel like she's giving me eyes, or looking at me a lot. Yet, other times, it's very clear that we are just friends. I'll be attracted to her and it's a problem since she's striaght, and then I won't be as attracted and just cool as friends. It's a little difficult to deal with. I'm managing though. I think the more time I spend with her, the easier it will get. I'm just glad we have another cool straight ally in the group.

Well, I should probably get on with my day considering it's 3:15 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. I will talk to all you cool people later. Bye.

Luv,
Jess

Well, because there's so much more bad news, I'll start with the good news. I may...and I repeat may have met someone. I'm not sure yet. Well, actually, I did meet someone, but I don't know what's happening there. As usual, there's a story involved...so here goes:

Two weeks ago I sat at the LGBT meeting and a bunch of new people there, including some females. My goal this year has been to think of the new people as just new people and not as fresh meat, which is so common in the LGBT community. So I was just happy that there was more of a female representation for once. One of the girls and I had a bit of eye contact, but I just told myself "She's just a straight ally" and continued on with the meeting. That was pretty much it for that night.

A few days later she came into the helpdesk with a computer problem. I honestly didn't recognize her as the same girl. I did fix her computer problem though. After that Friday night rolled around and we had the annual National Coming Out Day drag show and dance. I hate drag shows with a passion, and most of the LGBT members know that. I would have just not gone to the event, but I felt responsible to since I'm an exec member and I wanted to shoot the promo for the group. So I was there with my camera in a very pouty mood. Eventually the show ended and people either got up to dance or to leave. As I'm waiting for people to clear out, I notice her in the front row by herself. She sees me and gets up and walks over by me and says hi. That was really all of the interaction between us since it was so loud in there. She left, and I started to wonder about her but told myself to stop. She's just a straight ally, right?

So Monday rolls around...National Coming out day. We had a table set up on the campus mall all day long to show pride and stuff. After one of my classes let out early, I walked over to the table, and who's standing there chatting with everyone? It's her. We talked and had a fun conversation. I seemed to get the impression she was just a straight ally. I was totally cool with that though. I saw her that night at the rally we had too. She didn't get up and talk, but we had a moment after I spoke. She just looked at me with these eyes...I still passed it off as straight ally.

So finally, yesterday I was signed up to work the booth in the student center for the breast cancer walk of hope. I walk up to the booth, and who's sitting there...but her. We got to work together for that hour. We just started talking and didn't stop. All this time I didn't know her name.I didn't know how to ask for it, but I didn't have to...she said it on her own. That made it easy. Her name is Claire. About 20 minutes to the end of our shift, some girl came up to relieve her early. She got her stuff and left. Again, I assumed she was just a cool straight girl. Then came the e-mail.

I headed off to work at 1:00 and checked my e-mail. Here's this message from her. So I open it up thinking nothing of it. She said that she was disappointed that the girl came early and was enjoying the conversation. She invited me to come to her dorm room to chat and maybe get some food. She wished me a rockin day and said she'd see me on Thursday. Needless to say I was a bit blown away. I still have my guard up. There's still the possiblity that she just thinks I'm cool, but now I'm thinking there's actually some interest. So...I guess I'll find out. I'll keep you all posted.

Now...on to the bad news.

I got paid on Friday, and I already am overdrafted on my account. I had overdraft fees from last week, two credit card bills, gas, and food. Amazingly, that took up all of my money. So, I have four dollars total to get me to the end of the month. I started applying for another student loan today. So hopefully that will help. However, I don't know what will happen now. This brings me to my next peice of bad news. My dad got laid off today. I got a call at about noon from him informing me about it. Talk about a shock. They eliminated his position entirely. It probably got outsourced, and likely my father will still vote for Bush...Anyway, I don't know if I'll get the loan now since I need a cosigner.

Since I'm broke, I no longer can celebrate my favorite holiday at the end of this month. I only have a couple of the needed peices to my costume. The rest of it I wont be able to buy. So...no fun for me. I guess I'll survive. I am going to be cutting as much as I can out of my bills. I'm dropping cable TV since I never get the opportunity to watch it. I'm going to cut back my phone plan too since I don't use all my minutes anyway. I'm really hoping I get that loan so I can get rid of my credit cards altogether. This just sucks. I hate money.

As far as school goes, I'm considering withdrawing from a class because I can't breathe. I have too much going on, and it's sad, but my extra curricular stuff is more important to me than the class. On top of that, I obviously can't cut hours at either of my jobs. I just feel so overwhelmed and so helpless to do anything.

So that's my shitty and good news for the week. More as it develops. Now...on with my night. I get to walk home in the cold rain. How's that for fitting? Write soon.

Luv,

Jess

I have had a fun week so far. Yesterday I got to lecture in my gender studies class. I'm a little rusty since I haven't spoken on the topic since Spring semester, but with that in mind, it went extremely well. I had a lot of fun. Since we have already learned about the differences between sex, gender, gender identity...etc, I decided to just jump right into my experiences and stuff. I got them to laugh as much as I could, and they all seemed really interested. I love being able to share what I can to help others learn. Today I get to do it again in my friend Chris' sociology class. That should be fun too.

I have great news. Last night I came home and opened my freezer to discover FROZEN freezie pops. Yes, that's right...frozen. None of those well refridgerated freezie pops I had before. It was a nice treat last night. So that means that my fridge was replaced. The one I had apparently was dead. The "new" one does a great job. I say new in quotes because it's definitely not new...just new to me. The best part is that it's quiet. My last one was incredibly loud. It's oddly quiet in my place now. No complaints though.

I'm tired today, but not nearly as tired as I was last Thursday. I tried to do my speech and exam, but it didn't really happen. I got the speech done, but the exam I just couldn't focus on. I was so exhausted and ended up crashing at 4:00 in the morning. Thankfully my professor was awesome and allowed me to turn it in on Monday. Sunday I was well rested and sat down to finish the exam. I was amazed at how much easier it was to do. I actually had fun with it and learned a lot. Because of that, I've been making more of an effort this week to get enough sleep. It's mostly been working, which is good since I have two exams tomorrow.

The worst part of this week....I have -$35 in my bank account right now. I guess I'm just sick of asking my parents for money. Even though I did get help from them, I didn't ask for as much as I should have. I just feel guilty. Plus, I can't always expect that someone will be there to bail me out. I spent a little too much on food in the past few weeks, and I should have eaten at home more. It's my own fault, so I have to suffer the consequences. Oh well. I'll be fine once Friday gets here. I get paid. It's also more than I expected to get paid by about $75. That's nice because I have a lot more breathing room each month. This should be the only time I have this money problem. Note that I say 'should'. We'll see what happens.

Well, my shift is over, and I have to get to class. I will write more soon, hopefully. Bye.

Luv,

Jess

Better go and catch it.....wait, no...my fridge is broken. Or at least it's on it's way out. Over the summer I noticed my freezer wasn't freezing. Frozen pizzas become refridgerated pizzas, frozen vegetables get dehydrated from all the freezing and thawing, and ice cream is not even an option. It's also been running all the time. This morning was the second time I went to have breakfast and found my milk to be chunky despite having an expiration date five days from now. I just love pouring my cereal, and then pouring the milk...and then trying to find a way to throw out the cereal after it's been wet, but dump the milk down the drain. Always a challenge.

So yeah, I'm starving right now. On top of that I'm tired, and I have a lot of work to do today. I'm running myself ragged. I have a take home exam and a speech to write. I'm planning on skipping my class today just so I can get some food and dilate before I have to run out to my therapist appointment. The nice thing is that this is the last therapy appointment with a gender specific therapist I'll have. No more driving an hour and a half to get to the doc. I'll just see a campus counselor if I need to talk.

I'm feeling really great about what I'm accomplishing at school so far. GenderPAC is going to come to this campus. I've been working with them for the past week or so. It's going to be a really big deal too. I'm very excited about it. Next week I'm having people sign the Million for Marriage petition on our campus's "Acceptance Day" put on by student senate. Yes, I know I'm a bad trans person for supporting HRC, but I also don't care. HRC does good things even though they don't always support us.

Emotionally I've had a lot going on. I've found that I've been daydreaming a lot more than normal. I think it may have something to do with me not getting enough sleep, but it may not. I've been thinking a lot about gender and relationships too, particularly gender as a performance. It's a concept I learned about in my gender studies class. Here's what's been going through my head:

Most people accept me as a woman no question. The only ones that seem to question my womanhood are the lesbians. I feel as if I am always under scrutiny from them, save a few. Now most women don't think about performing the female gender at all, they just do it. They can have feminine and masculine interests or mannerisms, but no one questions their womanhood. It's different for me and those of us who are TS and lesbian. I feel as if I have to perform the female gender perfectly, and by that I mean have all feminine interests, dress feminine all the time, feminine mannerisms....etc, otherwise my womanhood is questioned in the lesbian population. They question whether I am a woman or not just because I was born in the opposing role. Of course this is all speculation, but still, the concept has gotten me very depressed and introspective recently. I just look at the experiences I've had in the past couple years, and how poorly treated I've been by a lot of women I've met just for being trans. That's one of the topics I'm bringing up today with my therapist.

Anyway, I'm making an effort to keep my entries longer than a five page essay, so I'll stop here. Have a great day.

Luv,

Jess