Posted on February 1st 2009, 11:33 pm
I just finished watching the movie "Imagine Me and You" with Piper Perabo and Lena Headey. It was a beautiful story. I cried a lot watching it. I recommend it to anyone looking for a love story...but also a loss story. Piper and Lena are beautiful. I felt so much like Luce (Lena Headey) throughout most of the film. She's in love with the woman who is married. I know how that feels...not so much with the woman that is married part, but with the woman that is unavailable or unattainable. At one point they talk about falling in love at first sight. The emotions described were the same feelings I felt when I first saw Sondra walk in the room. I'll probably never experience that again in my life, but I think I am a more complete person for experiencing it then.
Really I started thinking though...about my sexuality. I think I've started to come to an understanding. I don't think there's a true label for me. If I were to describe my attractions, I'd say I'm physically attracted to women 90%, men 10%. Sexually though, I'd say I'm 5% women, 1% men, 94% asexual. I've struggled with this idea of what my sexual attractions are for years. I thought maybe as I got older, maybe they'd become more apparent. Maybe as I transitioned, things would be clear. Maybe if I found the right person, I'd become this very sexual creature. Really though, I think I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I'm just mostly not interested in sex. I can't say that I'm completely not interested, because there are moments. But overall...it just doesn't matter to me.
I guess this just confirms what I've been thinking for a while now. I'm not looking for a sexual partner. I'm looking for a companion. I want a best friend that's there most of the time. I want someone to cuddle up next to, and someone to share secrets with. That's it.
Still...I don't even know if I am designed to be with someone. I've been alone for so much of my life that I think maybe I'm just best off alone. A big part of me wants to take some sort of vow. Not of celibacy...because being asexual really makes that vow a waste of time. I don't know if there is a term for taking vow to be single..but that's what I've been thinking about. I wonder if I'm happier alone. I really do. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on that.
Posted on January 30th 2009, 5:30 am
I just thought I'd share what's on my plate at the moment. I'd say it's a long list right now. I didn't even include my job related obligations either. Feel free to share your thoughts of my craziness.
Posted on January 29th 2009, 6:50 am
Remember a couple months ago when I was recently broken up with, and I remembered back to my college days. Remember when I talked about how it was great to be busy all the time because it kept me from feeling lonely? Remember how that was my plan...to keep busy all the time? Well guess what? It happened. As they say, be careful what you wish for. I am busy as hell. I've got shit going on every day. And when I don't have shit going on, I have freelance to do. All of that is good though...right? I think so. Anyway, on to the news.
Today in Iraq....wait...not that news. I meant the news about my past busy week. I'll start with Tuesday. Have you ever sent yourself 60 thousand e-mails in a matter of say...15 minutes? I can now add that to my list of accomplishments. There are a few things you're not supposed to do in programming. One of them is to close your database connections when you're done with them. Another is to not eat Cheetos and then mouse or type getting cheese all over the keys. Probably the most important one though...DO NOT RUN AN INFINITE LOOP. Guess what I did on Tuesday? Can't guess. Oh yeah...infinite loop. I forgot one key line that's all of 11 characters: rs.movenext. That line says to the loop...great...we're done with this item, what's the next one now? So due to that, it never got to its end point. The loop I ran sent out an e-mail to myself each time through. I managed to completely back log the e-mail smtp on our web server. We had to reboot the dev server and stop the smtp, clear out as much as we could, and then restart it all. At least I didn't manage to crash anything. Oh...and of course, it was the last function I had to code before the software was ready to go. Figures huh? There's nothing like that feeling of "Oh No" when you hit run, and suddenly your e-mail inbox is flooded with e-mails that say "FAILED" in big capital letters in the subject line. How fitting and...when I look back on it...hilarious. I should have taken a video and posted it on the failblog. Oh well.
I want to clear up a controversy in my life, which is an intended dramatic overstatement. In my last post I suggested that I may have had a date this past weekend. Well, I lied. Sorta. A friend of mine bought a shiny new car. In fact, it was a Mustang. I was offered a ride in it. This also happens to be a trans friend of mine that I'm somewhat attracted to. So...call it slightly wishful thinking. Ultimately, neither of us had time. So it didn't happen anyway. That should clear things up.
Speaking of relationships, I had an odd one start recently. I got a facebook e-mail from someone I hadn't seen in years. It was one of the girls that lived in the neighborhood when I was in grade school. I remember hanging out with her sister a few times. I didn't really spend any time with her though. So it was a little odd. It was basically saying hi and that she heard about my transition and thought it was cool. She wanted to chat. She IMed me through facebook and we talked. During the conversation, it came out that she had a crush on me back in the day when I was a grade school boy. I said that it was interesting and told her I was pretty oblivious to that stuff back then...cause I was. We continued to talk and she made mention that she apparently still has those same feelings. This came as a shock because I don't even know this girl. I really don't remember even talking to her. I don't know her now. She doesn't know me. So I was a little creeped out. Then after that, she was like...you drive a green focus don't you? I've seen it parked at your parents house. Yeah...at this time here's what's going on in my head: *red lights flashing* *alarms going off* warning!! warning!! Yeah...way creeped out at that point. She offered me her number and wanted me to call her so we can meet. I've stayed off facebook and I didn't write the number down. I'm now up to two creepy stalker types, and one of them lives within driving distance. That's no good.
Random stuff...my car passed emissions testing. I made sure my credit cards are officially enrolled in the payment plan (for some reason, one wasn't being included). I've been eating well lately. And I'm making a lot of business contacts. So that's good stuff.
Speaking of the business, this past weekend was a video shoot for the Children's program I'm involved in. I have to say, I was not impressed with the technology brought in to shoot this promo. We had three Hi-8 cameras...not digital 8...just good old analog Hi-8. There were no lights. The microphones weren't bad, but the guy wanted to route a wireless lav into a cassette deck. Wow. I used my hand held camera to shoot some behind the scenes footage, and I found it sad that my tiny little camcorder captures a much better resolution than the Hi-8 cameras could possibly get. This will be interesting. Anyway, the puppeteer for the show wanted me to meet with an arts organization for possible involvement. So we set up a meeting for Monday.
At the meeting Monday night, I got to meet the man who founded the organization and heard more about what they're looking for. Turns out I'm just what they want. They are looking for someone with video skills that knows the net. I can use them for grant applications, and they can use me to boost their marketability and visibility. Turns out they want to produce a children's show too. This one would be a traditional half hour program with segments. I'm excited! I think we could easily get a grant to produce it. I'm all for it. It's a non-profit organization too. I'm covered under their liability insurance, and I'll get a share of the gig money when I shoot the video for it. How awesome is that?! Doors opened and none of them closed. So I'm all in. In the meantime, they're also going to help me search for women in business grants too. Maybe I can get a red!
Lastly, tonight I finally got to meet a trans friend that I've known for several years. We started talking when I was in college. Apparently her son was going to UWEC too. I went over to her house and met her and her partner in person. They also have a cute boxer puppy! We talked, had dinner, and watched a movie. It was nice. It's not often I get to meet friends like that. We're very different in age. Both of them were about as old as my parents. It was fascinating to me to see two trans people so religious too. One would not expect to go to a trans family's house and say grace at the dinner table, but it happened tonight. It was interesting to hear them discuss the movie too, which was "A Walk to Remember" starring Mandy Moore and Shane West. They would make comments about how one was meant for the other to heal them and what not. I remember making comments like that back when I identified as a christian. It was different for me, and yet in a lot of ways, it was refreshing. It makes me happy to see that not all transpeople go through the negativity I internalized after getting kicked out of a church. So yeah...I had a good time...and did I mention the food? Steak? Damn!
And here ends the reading. I'll be doing my best to get the next podcast out this weekend. It's been hectic! I'll get to it though. Until next time...
Posted on January 22nd 2009, 5:53 am
Today was an interesting day. I got a lot done at work, and ended up staying until just past 7:00 pm. My lunch was interesting. Mike and I headed to the Outpost to enjoy some soup and a sandwich, and instead I got sushi. I don't normally like sushi, but this was good stuff. Upon walking in, we came upon a fountain which was...interesting. I call it the Georgia O'Keeffe fountain...take a look and you'll understand why.
I think that gives you the idea.
Anyway, at least the day ended nicely. I had a great conversation on the phone with a trans friend of mine. It was the first conversation we've had on the phone in something like five years. It was nice. I'm sure we'll talk more often now.
I hope I sleep well tonight. After all that stress at the end of the work day, I'm kinda feeling it. I hope it doesn't affect my dreams. Wish me luck!
Posted on January 21st 2009, 7:04 am
Yes I know this post shows as being January 21, which is a day after inauguration day, but it's also 12:45 in the morning. That means for me, Obama Day just ended. So deal with it.
Today we took time out of work to watch the history of the inauguration ceremony for the 44th President of the United States. It was definitely a unique setting with all of us sitting around the TV in my boss' office paying rapt attention. There were certain aspects of it that were great (the speech, the benediction, the music) and there were things that weren't (the invocation, Aretha Franklin's hat, the poem). The presidential oath flubs were like watching someone trip while getting their diploma. It all worked out in the end though, and the sky was a touch more blue, the air a bit more fresh, and the sun a bit more bright afterwards.
It should be noted that on the new whitehouse.gov's civil rights page, there's a very clear section on LGBT rights. It's awesome to see that our President has an agenda that doesn't involve ignoring and denying our rights. I hope his agenda is more than just words.
On an unrelated subject, I received an e-mail recently from a friend from college that I haven't heard from in years. She was dealing with a situation in which she was confused about her sexuality, and she had questions for me. She came to me because of how open and willing to answer questions I was for her in college. It was really touching to me to have her specifically seek me out for answers. It's nice to know people trust me.
We've had a dialogue, and she seems to be handling the situation much better since we started talking. It makes me so proud to be able to help someone understand themself better. Here's a direct quote from her recent correspondence with me:
"you know what? Honestly, you inspire me, Jess. Even in college, its like you've always had a vision of what you've wanted for yourself and you went after it. You always strike me as someone who is confident in her own skin, proud of who she is, and that is really inspiring. You're hardworking and striving after all your goals with the diligence of a night watchman. Plus you know how to have fun. You know how to be competitive and serious in your field, and you know how to have fun. Besides all that you make time to reach out to others. To really care for the other. you are a kindhearted gentle soul and I'm grateful to know you."
I can't tell you how awesome that made me feel. To my friend, thank you for your kind words. I hope you don't mind my posting your thoughts. And as always, I'm happy to be an open ear and help as best I can. That goes for everyone. :)
OK..I told myself I'd get to bed before 1:30, and it's 1:00 now. I better go. Until next time...
P.S. I may have a date this weekend...sort of. More on that later.