Here's a little story from my past.  When I was in the midst of my transition and seeing a therapist regularly, I talked about my sexuality in a session.  The issue was brought up because I was pretty much just dealing with figuring out my gender and wasn't touching my sexuality.  He asked me if I wanted to experiment and figure out my sexuality too.  I told him no.  I just wanted to focus on my gender identity and worry about my sexuality later.

As it turns out, that worked well for me.  I am very comfortable in my own skin now, and I'm quite happy with my gender identity.  I  just haven't spent much time with my sexuality. There are a few things I know.  I know I'm attracted to femininity.  I know what body type is physically attractive to me, and I know what personalities mesh with me.  Up until recently, I didn't know what I was truly attracted to sexually.

I've learned a lot from recent relationships.  I've pretty much realized that unless the genetic woman is something very special, I think I'm more interested in dating transwomen.  I've recently been talking to some trans friends of mine and have been connecting a lot better.  I guess I can't say for certain yet, but it seems that way right now.  I'm sure I'll find out.

One of the things that I think is important to me is self actualization.  I think it's important to be with someone who's settled in to their identity and are comfortable with themselves.  I remember going through my stages before self actualizing, and I was all over the place.  I wasn't ready for love.  So yeah...that's important.

Anyway, I'm freezing.  Chris' apartment is like 64 degrees. I'm going to go find a blanket. Happy Early New Year!

First off, I have to mention this since it happened yesterday and it was so incredibly flattering. I got a message via my other website TransLife.net regarding a facebook page. I took a look and at first thought I was looking at a picture that's in my profile. I sent a reply that was pretty innocuous. Then I took another look and realized it was a fan page that someone had created for me. I was shocked and amazed. Sure, it's just a facebook page, but still, it's flattering nonetheless. Plus, facebook is pretty much the social network of record, if there is a record. So, I find it to be an honor to see that. Plus, the fact that someone thought to create that for me...wow. So whoever did that, thanks.

After that happened, suddenly I got adds and messages from a couple people I only had read about in the trans community. Lynn Conway and Andrea James are probably the two big ones. Both have had a huge impact on the transgender community, and to be contacted in some way by both of them is incredible to me. It's an honor to be sure.

OK, on to the topic at hand. I had friends over today for a Lord of the Rings-a-thon, which was a blast. We started at about noon and continued until 10:00 pm. We only got through 2 of the extended edition films. We took time off to make homemade pizzas, which was fantastic. Today was the third day of Kwanzaa, which is Ujima. It is about collective work and responsibility. We recognized this day by sharing in the work to create our food. Some of us shaped and tossed the crust dough. Others of us spiced and prepared the sauce. Others put on the toppings. The rest of us cleaned up. It was wonderful.

The whole day was fun. I got to spend time with good friends, enjoy good food, and good fun. I wish that could happen more often. I think it probably will. I hope so. The exciting thing is that over the next few days, I'll get to do more with friends. Chris called me today and asked if I wanted to ride with him up to my old college stomping grounds for a New Years party. I'm going to, as long as I can get my last bit of freelance work done before Tuesday. So tomorrow is a long work day for me. It's nice though...to have a real relaxing vacation to take my mind off all this frustration at my job and with money.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for tonight. I'm losing my thought process now. So I'll continue tomorrow.

Oh Igor...how I love thee...only for thine music though.  I find the Firebird suite to be so perfect for what I'm going through right now.  I went through the whole beginning part.  Now I'm going through the middle part of the song in which the firebird rises up to destroy everything.  The rebirth of the beauty part will happen in a few months.

So with that, I think I have a plan. We're going to go with a modified plan everything. Here's the plan:

Bankruptcy ?

Get a job in the web development field

Set monthly goals for the next year for projects to get done

Write a book over the next year

re-invent jessicajaniuk.com as a professional speaking site

devote my income to paying off what debt I have left

Do some freelance video / keep video as a hobby

After book, produce film

Tomorrow I'll start writing the chapter headings. Then I'm going to break down the chapters into the content I want to discuss in each. We'll go from there. I'm going to attempt to read as much as I can for research purposes. I've done a lot of reading already, but I think I'm going to re-read for note taking purposes. I also need to re-read what I wrote for my research grant too.

Anyway...share your thoughts.

I have been giving thought to the various roads that lie ahead of me and thought I'd take some time to write them down.

Path 1:

Bankruptcy - Chapter 7

Grad School for gender studies / communication

Find a college that's looking for a teacher

Continue video and web as hobbies

Maybe do some freelance editing during my off months

Path 2:

Move home

Pay off debt in 2 years

Freelance video / web

Try to tolerate keeping my current job

Path 3:

Find a new job within the next six months in Web development

move to whichever location I get a job at and live in a small apartment

devote all energies to debt repayment

Freelance video work

web as a hobby

Path 4:

Find a roommate

Gather a team of volunteers

Revamp TransLife.net

Build up a professional speaking website / portfolio

Start a charity with grant money

Write a book

Get funding for the film and produce it

Keep video and web as a hobby

Path 5:

Move home

Buy a camera with grant money for business

write a treatment for the film

produce film

Path 6:

Search around at every network television studio and get a job there

move to that location

devote all money to debt repayment or file for bk

ascent the ranks of the studio until I can fund my own startup

Path 7:

File for Chapter 7

Sell car

break contract for cell phone

Travel the world by hitchhiking

Learn the ways of the Ninja

Return to my home country

Fight Crime as a costumed hero

Do battle with a mad scientist

Retire at age 50 and write a memoir

Path 8:

File for Chap 7

Grad school for chemistry / physics

Go mad

Design a doomsday machine out of a microwave, tin foil and a banana peel

Battle with myself as a hero from an alternate dimension

Die in the battle laughing maniacally as my plan fails but I infect my alter ego with an incurable virus for extreme flatulence

Path 9:

Hook

Path 10:

a mix and match of any of the previous 9 paths

Share your thoughts! Create a path for me that you think would be something I would enjoy and would be fulfilling. Yes I know you're not me, but try anyway. I'd love to see what you come up with.

I just got home from seeing the Adam Sandler movie, "Bedtime Stories", with my family. Don't worry...we didn't spend a ton of money at the theater. I used to work there, and my brother in law works for both the theater company and the theater for extra cash. So we got in free. The joys of connections.

Anyway, the movie itself was great. It was cute, entertaining, and well written. I wouldn't say it's Mr. Sandler's best film, but it's definitely one of the better ones. Keri Russell is beautiful, as usual, too. Russell Brand wasn't that bad either. I wasn't sure if I'd like him or not.

My bedtime stories were not as great though. Last night my mother informed me that if I moved home, my sister would watch my cats. That means they wouldn't be around me like usual. I love my cats. I know it sounds a bit like I'm a crazy cat lady, but anyone with pets knows that they are a part of the family. I know they'd be well taken care of, but I'm not sure I can do it. It may just be temporary, but still...I don't know.

Because of that, I had bad dreams all night. Three nuclear bombs hit the U.S. in the upper midwest. I know...Milwaukee is such a prime target in real life, but it was a dream. Shut up. They were smaller warheads too. I got away from the first, the second was close enough to maim me, and the third was a 200 megaton that hit Chicago. In my dream I kept calling Jenn to see if she as ok. She didn't answer. Maybe I'm not as over her as I thought. Anyway, I woke up three times, and each time I fell back asleep the dream got worse. That seems to be how my brain interpreted not having my kitties.

So in real life, I'm stuck coming up with other plans. Now I'm thinking maybe I should start applying at places like Epic Systems as a software engineer. Maybe Robert W. Baird might have jobs. Maybe I should just do video freelance and do software engineering full time. Or maybe I should look into careers at as many cable stations I can find. I have a week off now, and I should make as good of use of it as I can.

I'm definitely going to cut together a new demo reel in January. I'm going to make it awesomely fantastic and impressive. I have some great ideas too. I'm going to put together a monthly schedule of goals. By this time next year, I want to have all of those goals met. Don't worry, they'll be realistic. I'm hoping it'll help me focus in.

No matter what, I definitely need to find a new job. I have called a credit counseling and consolidation service recommended by my bank. I filled out an application. So we'll see what happens. With some luck, I'll hear from them this coming week and get started on the plan. It'll be nice to see an end date to my debt instead of this unending money hole I have right now.

Money wise, my dad is saving me 5 dollars a month on an insurance deal. We should have that finalized the first two weeks of January. So, while that's not a lot of money, it helps.

Oh yeah! It's Christmas! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Ramadan! Happy Solstice! (Belated) Happy Kwanzaa! And I think that covers all the holidays I know of this time of year. Oh yeah, Happy New Year too. :D

For once, I got a meaningful gift! My little sister was my secret Santa, and she got me a directors chair! It has my name on it too. I'll post the pic as soon as I get back home (I'm writing from my dad's computer). I'm excited about it! My parents also broke the Secret Santa rules and got all of the kids special custom made bowls with engravings on them that are meaningful to all of the kids. It was really nice.

Another random thing that happened...I talked to an old friend from High School the other day. I was watching a show on Hulu. It's the new series titled "The Legend of the Seeker", which is on abc I think. Turns out it's based on a series of books by Terry Goodkind called the Sword of Truth series. I read a good portion of the books about 7 years ago. My friend from high school / college, Missy, also read them. I thought of her and I called her.

Normally when I call her, I get a voicemail. This time she picked up and was surprised to hear from me. We talked for an hour or so and caught up. She's doing well and is in grad school. It was good to talk to her.

As for "the Legend of the Seeker", it's reminiscent of Xena and Hercules. In fact, I think it's produced by the same people. The production quality is pretty good. The writing is a little hokey, and the special effects are sub par for what one would see in other shows nowadays. Still, it's good to see a fantasy series get a fair treatment. I have no idea how its doing in the ratings, but I'm enjoying it so far. It's on Hulu if you want to check it out.

Well, that's the news from Lake Nagawicka for now. Tune in next week and I'll have more. Maybe I'll make an attempt at a podcast! We'll see!