Today I took a big step.  I was watching a video and it made me think of how much Jenn would love it.  So I decided to send it to her.  I suppose I should have been expecting a response, but I wasn't.  Then when it showed up, I was unprepared.  Her e-mail was friendly. Really it was too friendly.  It asked about the job thing and Scarlet and made note of how it was weird not to be talking to each other.  To me, when I read it, it was almost as if nothing had happened between us.  Her tone and feel was much like that. It brought up some feelings that I couldn't quell. I cried...at work.

No one saw.  I cried for a few moments at my desk, and then grabbed some tissues as I walked to a quiet, empty area.  I let it out.  I had to.  I'm not ready to talk to her yet.  It felt like I stepped back in time two or three days in my emotional healing.  I think it was necessary though.  It was me testing the waters to see how I feel.  Now I know I'm not ready and probably won't be for a bit yet.

I was honest in my reply to her.  I answered her questions and then just said that I wasn't ready to talk yet.  I am still sorting out my shit and said that it was probably going to be a while.  She said she understands and will be there when I'm ready.  Who knows when that will be.  I am left wondering if she has an idea now of how much this breakup affected me.

It's always easier on the breakup-er and much harder on the breakup-ee.  For me it felt as if she had no remorse about the breakup, which I know isn't true, but it was just too happy go lucky.  At least...more so than I was expecting.  It makes me think back on my breakups with Brianna and Tracy.  With Brianna, I saw the things I didn't like, and it was easier for me to break up.  Afterwards I felt as if I did the right thing.  I'm sure Jenn feels that way.  With Tracy...we both cried.  We both knew it was right, but we both still hurt.  I guess it's always different.

Tonight was the spiritual seminar I go to monthly.  We talked about change and dealing with change. Another fitting topic...I love karma.  I was reaffirmed by my fellow attendees that I am handling my pain and healing in a healthy way.  I'm not running away from it.  I'm not sending angry e-mails to my ex.  I'm not drowning my pain in alcohol.  I'm facing it, and I'm mourning it.  I'm learning from it.  I hope I come out for the better.

When I told Chris about the whole event with the e-mail today, I started by saying I did something I regretted today.  He immediately responded with "You didn't send Jenn an angry e-mail did you?", to which I said no.  I've realized that I really have no reason to be mad at her.  She was so respectable and honest about her feelings.  I have to respect that.  I've been in her position and I know how difficult it is.  I have no right to be angry.  It takes a lot of courage to be honest when breaking up with someone.  I just wish it didn't have to happen at all.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the day.