Posted on April 26th 2007, 11:40 pm
With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself
very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster
to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members
and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my
transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've
also had to confront my own prejudices. And now... I find myself thinking "What
am I doing here?"
Why am I working for a realty support company writing home
show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing
that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly
more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to
be heard...that can truly help people understand gender and understand
themselves. Why am I not doing that?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of
ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various
creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So...without my current
level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't
so, but it is.
So that leads me to my next thought...is there a way of doing what
needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if
my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on
the verge of starting could sell. But...the problem is that I won't see any of
that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?