With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself

very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster

to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members

and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my

transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've

also had to confront my own prejudices. And now... I find myself thinking "What

am I doing here?"

Why am I working for a realty support company writing home

show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing

that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly

more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to

be heard...that can truly help people understand gender and understand

themselves. Why am I not doing that?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of

ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various

creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So...without my current

level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't

so, but it is.

So that leads me to my next thought...is there a way of doing what

needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if

my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on

the verge of starting could sell. But...the problem is that I won't see any of

that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?