8:00 pm

I'm sitting in my parents van right now. We're downtown waiting to see if the rain will let up for the fireworks tonight. I honestly don't want to be here right now. It's not for any lack of patriotism or fear of getting wet. It's simply because every time I'm home, I'm constantly reminded of two things. One is my family's view of me. I'm still correcting them on pronouns They get my name right now. I should be happy about that, but what's a name when I know they still consider me male in their minds.

They've said themselves that they will probably never get over that. I know they are still the best parents in the world and that they've given me so much. I wouldn't take any other parents. It's just extremely depressing. I am a woman. I look female. I act female. I sound female. But to my family, I'll never be.

The second thing I'm reminded of is my lack of a relationship. I'm the only one without a significant other. Sure, Jill is kind of a part of my life, but she's far from my girlfriend. I gave her my number on Thursday and told her to call me. However, I haven't gotten a call yet and there's definitely no guarantee I will. So as usual, all I have is just the thought of being with her and the reminder that I have no one here now. The rain matches my melancholy mood.

Well, I should get back to my boredom in the car. Write more later...

11:30 pm

I just got home from the fireworks. At about 9:00 we finally decided to head down. They were scheduled to go off at 9:25...so we had to hurry. I know my family, and we tend to not move as fast as we should. So, I took the lead. I'm used to having to get to places on campus pretty quickly. So I pushed on through.We got to where we needed to be and were able to set up the chairs and stuff just in time...like literally. We sat down and the first one went up. I felt pretty good about that.

During the fireworks and the rain, my thoughts drifted. My mom and my dad were on my left, and my sister and her boyfriend were on my right. And as usual, the fifth wheel is in the middle. I just thought...dammit...this better be the last holiday I spend alone. I of course thought of Jill...who else would I think of? And I remembered all of the times I've been in this situation. I just wanted her to be there with me. I forgot the fireworks...and started to cry. I was thankful for the umbrella, because it kept the rest of my family from seeing.

Eventually the fireworks ended and we had to pack up and leave. It started to rain a bit harder on the walk back. My sister and her boyfriend were under one umbrella and my mother and father were under another. I just walked in the rain. I didn't care about getting wet. So I walked and followed. The rain soaked my hair and clothes. Only once did they look back to see if I was there. I rode home in the car in silence. When I got home, I cried again. I feel so pathetic...I'm sick of crying and having no one there to hug me. My mother has never been sensitive about such things. My sisters are more likely to poke fun or mock me. And my dad isn't even worth trying to talk to. I wont get a hug here. When I go back up to school, I wont get a hug there either. I'd literally have to search around to find someone to hug. I wish there were more of my closer friends around. There are very few I feel comfortable with crying in front of them.

Anyway, I'm not a big fan of holidays. Every one is pretty much the same to me now. Just another reminder of who I was and who I'm not with. I think I'm going to go to sleep. I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. Good Night.

Luv,

Jess