Posted on June 5th 2005, 10:32 am
To keep people flocking to my diary, I try to lead an interesting life. That, of course, is the sole reason too. You know...I just want to see the hits go up and up. Each week I have to top the last. It's quite the challenge really. Seriously though, do I live an exciting life? Or is it just typical and mundane? I know I can't answer that. Tonight I found myself with many questions that I couldn't answer. So...here's the story.
A little over two weeks ago, I got an IM from a friend who just moved away. She told me that before she left, she met this really hot lesbian girl that she was training in at work. This girl was asking about me. Since my friend had moved away, she couldn't set up a meeting between the two of us. Regardless, she told me the girl's name, Rachel, and I poked her on facebook. About five days later, I got a poke back, and we started talking. In another few days we met, and we really clicked. She's totally adorable. I really found myself attracted to her.
That's where we get into the problem. My friend told me that Rachel was single. In the time between my friend telling me about her and me meeting her, she got back together with her girlfriend. That's pretty par for the course for me. Anyone who's been following my diary for the past few years already knows I tend to meet and fall for the taken girls or the straight girls. This time it was slightly different in that I got the "I like you too" vibe back from her. All signals pointed to it. Yet she was also showing me pictures of her girlfriend and telling me about her all the time. Total mixed signals....again pretty standard for me.
So we began our friendship and have spent a lot of time together this week. We ran together, watched 24 season one together, ate ice cream together, and so on. It's been cool getting to know her. I continue to get that vibe....and I try to shake it off. Tonight, her girlfriend came into town, and we all went out. She was a little drunk...but other than that, things were cool. Then, she and I had a talk... She confessed that she had a crush on me, but she's in love with her girlfriend. My feelings were right on I guess. She told me that her love is what comes first, and I totally understand that. I told her that she doesn't have to worry. I'm not going to let anything happen between us. I like our friendship, and I don't want that to end.
I ended up not feeling so hot, and went home for about 20 minutes. I used that time wisely and gave myself some air. I feel fine now, so I'm assuming it's all the smoke in the place that was getting to me. Regardless, I think it helped me. After hearing that, I knew it was a good idea to keep my distance. I really don't want to be that girl that causes a breakup. I felt it was good to keep my distance from her especially tonight when she was slightly drunk. She had grabbed my hand earlier and was also dancing with me really close. I personally liked it, but knew it wasn't the best idea. I didn't want to start speculation with her girlfriend and cause a fight or anything.
So I came back, and went in for about ten more minutes. My headache was just getting enhanced again by the smoke and the loud music wasn't helping. So I went out and sat outside. Turns out Rachel and her girlfriend were fighting regardless of me being there. I wish I could help. I want Rachel to be happy regardless of who she's with. She's my friend. Plus, I'm a helper and a healer. It's what I do. In this case though, I'm doing all that I can I think.
Anyway, I didn't stick around too much after I went outside. I was feeling incredibly introspective. It's been a strange night. I said bye to my friends and started walking home. On my way I realized that I don't really know how I feel about this whole thing. I felt like I wanted to cry, and yet I didn't. I felt upset, and yet composed. I felt confused and yet very clear. All in all, I had no idea how I felt. I still don't. Lauren said something to me the other day. It had something to do with a pattern she has seen in me. How I tend to really want to be in a relationship and then decide that I don't want to a month or so later. I think I simultaneously want and don't want a relationship.
Here are some of the questions that were going through my head:
Why am I so afraid of dancing? I can stand up to an entire community because of who I am, and yet, I can't dance in a bar...
Why do I want to be with someone?
Why do I not want to be with someone?
Am I supposed to be alone?
Am I as attractive as I keep being told I am?
Why won't I believe it when they tell me that?
What do you say to "You are fucking gorgeous"?
Have I been single so long that I'm afraid to be in a relationship?
Am I just anti-social?
Why is this Blue Man Group rhythm still stuck in my head? at least it's a cool rhythm
I called Kevin and left him a message telling him what happened. I ran into him on my way home and he gave me a hug as he was listening to the message. I almost started crying. I held it in because I was too embarassed to cry right then and there. We went up to my apartment and talked about it, and I almost cried again. I think it might make me feel better, but I'm not sure why I'd be crying. It's incredibly confusing. So, right now...at 4:30 in the morning, I'm unsure. I just don't know. I think I'm going to go cry and get it out before I go to sleep until noon tomorrow. Tomorrow I need to meditate. I need to clear my thoughts and get some new perspective. Maybe I'll go talk to Lisa too. I think spiritual night will be sometime this week.
Anyway, I'll keep ya'll updated on the exciting life of me. Hopefully I'm not disappointing any of you with what's going on. If I am...comment and let me know. I'll consider it constructive criticism. I think I'm getting loopy. Bedtime. Good Night.