Posted on December 1st 2008, 1:30 am
I spent yesterday visiting my best friend at his parents' house on Little Elkhart Lake. I had an interesting observation between yesterday and today. So far, my emotions have been on a bit of wave. For most of Saturday, I was ok. I was distracted. I let myself have fun. I didn't cry at all. However, around noon on Sunday, that all changed again.
Once we got to lunch, I found myself staring off into space. Memories popping up. Thinking about things that won't be ever again. Having realizations that only the perfect vision of hindsight can give. On several occasions, I found myself almost in tears.
It started snowing about the time it was that I had to leave. The drive home was hypnotic. I was in no particular hurry to get home, but at the same time, I had no desire to stay where I was. I felt as if I was driving to get away from myself. There was no music and no phone calls. There was just silence and the sounds of the road. Me and my thoughts.
When I got home, I felt like doing nothing. Much like Friday morning, I wanted to just sit and stare at a blank television screen. I forced myself to watch a movie and eat something. While the movie was on, I was not here. My pain did not exist, and my life was the window into the story. Up until a gay woman talked about her happiness with her partner, I was happy to be existing in the film world. I cried after that, and reality came back in.
I've been considering taking a vow of silence for a month. I'm not quite sure how it will work, but I think it might teach me to listen better. I would have to speak at work, and there are certain people that would not respect my vow. I think I would make those exceptions. I'll be considering it for a while before undertaking it. Maybe its just me being melodramatic too. I don't know. In any case, if anyone is reading this, please sound off your opinions in the comments.