I know it's a shock hearing that from me, but it's how I feel. I have said it before and I should have kept to it. I am not pursuing girls anymore. I'm just going to be alone. I think that would be best for me. I always always let myself get into these dumb situations.

So I guess you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. Well, here's the story. A week ago Friday my friend Chris was checking his e-mail on my computer. He happened to get a message from Hotornot.com. When he followed the link and clicked yes to the person, the following image was of this gorgeous lesbian girl about my age from my state. I told him to save the link. I never go to that site anymore, but I figured what the heck. I didn't expect much out of it anyway. Well, about tuesday the following week, I get the message back that I have a double match with this girl. So I e-mail her at about 7:00ish on Thursday night. An hour later I had a response that she was interested and she gave me her yahoo ID. I IMed her and happen to just catch her online. We talked until midnight.

Friday I hung out with friends and saw Fahrenheit 9/11. Afterwards I came home and she was still on yahoo. So we talked for another hour or so. Saturday she and I talked literally all day long. Sunday we talked most of the day. Monday night we talked. And now it's Tuesday and I'm talking to her as I write this. One might think this is a good thing. However, it's not really. I told her on Saturday morning about me being trans and when the surgery is and all. It was really hard for her to take. The fact that she's still talking to me is awesome. She doesn't want to meet me until after SRS, but I can understand that.

Now with all of that, you're probably thinking..."Jess...are you crazy? that's wonderful!" Well, it's not for this reason. She's very uncomfortable with the trans issue despite talking to me so much. We talked about it, and she's not sure she can get past a few things. There was a drastic change in her attitude after I told her too. She was so unbelievably flirtatious and full of excitement. She was completely subdued afterwards with no hint of interest save a few little flirts here and there. We talked about her issues with it. She's very open and honest. She's truly amazing. I just feel so...inadequate.

This girl is incredibly attractive both inside and out. I could easily fall for her. I just don't feel like I'll ever be woman enough for her. Today I felt incredibly self-conscious. I wore a skirt, tank top and flip flops. All I could see was the wide shoulders, slightly masculine build and big man feet. Sometimes I feel like I should just tell her to forget me and move on to someone who she doesn't have to take all this time debating over. She could have any girl she wants. There's no reason for her to pick me.

So yeah...basically I just feel like ass...very insecure. This is why I hate these relationship type things I get into. I should just focus on my goals to educate people on transgender, school, and my major. I cried yesterday...and I'm on my way to doing it again tonight. Though I must admit...this girl has an amazing ability to make me smile. Cross your fingers for me everyone.

On unrelated news, I got a call from Dr. Schrang yesterday. Apparently Fox News wants to do a documentary. He gave them my name and was asking if it's ok. I said yes of course. I haven't heard from them yet, but I probably will soon. Don't worry, I'll post the details on here whenever it happens. I should probably go get some food now though. I'm hungry. Bye everyone.