I know I've been keeping everyone in suspense with what has been happening in my life since my last post. So much has happened since, that I figured it'd be a lot easier to save it and write one really long entry. So, here goes.

My family went to see my therapist on January 10th. It went well. My mom cried right away, but both my parents were very supportive. They have truly amazed me with their love and support. Then we got to my little sister. Here's where I finally learned what my sister thinks of all this. She thinks I'm a completely different person than I was before. She also thinks we now have nothing in common anymore. We used to be close. My parents tried to show her that I'm no different than before. Nothing about my personality has changed, but she didn't really hear it. I think what it actually is that's bothering her is that she's in a form of denial. She wants me to be a different person. That way she can hate me. I also think part of it is that she isn't getting her way. She's the youngest in the family and is also spoiled. This isn't what she wants and she's making that clear. She's young and I think she just needs time. Once she's out of high school and into college, she'll grow up a little.

Anyway, we then moved on to my Uncle, who really just chimed in whenever he felt like it. He was very supportive and had some really good stuff to say, but he can be repetitive. That's something I think that a few of my uncles have. When he got done, my older sister got to talk. She pretty much said that I'm still the same goofy person she always knew and that she'll love me and support me the whole way. Her boyfriend was there to be supportive too. We did a very clich├ęd group hug at the end. All in all, it turned out well.

That night we ate at my Uncle's place, then we stayed in a hotel. We all went to bed at Midnight. I couldn't sleep for the first hour. After that, my dad started snoring. At 3:15 in the morning, I had enough. I left the room and sat in the lobby. At 4:00 I was so exhausted that I went back to the room and passed out on the bed. At 9:00 I had to get up. We drove back home. My sister missed an exit and got all confused when we got closer to home. We figured out how to get back on track and finally got home. When we all got there, a big fight ensued as to what happened. It was bad. Then, once we were all in terrible moods, we all went out to eat as a family. That day was not nearly as good as the previous one.

Tuesday that week was the next road trip. This time my friends all piled into the van and we all drove up to my therapist. It was a long day, but a lot of fun. My friends are the most wonderful friends on earth. I drove the whole way, which ended up being about ten hours on the road. Thankfully I didn't really get that tired during the trip. While we were at the therapist, I think we were starting to annoy him a bit. We were all joking around and laughing too much. We were really trying to stay focused though. I think it was fine. I wish I had more time like that with my friends. One thing I did notice, and I have made a point of it before. This time though, it was very obvious. My friends that have known me longer are much more reluctant about this whole thing than my friends who've known me less. That makes tons of sense though. Either way, they're all still supportive and loving.

Thursday of that week I saw the kidney specialist, or nephrologist. We discussed the possibility of taking hormones with a polycystic kidney disease diagnosis. The risk involved with taking hormones is that they could cause the cysts to enlarge. That's not a good thing obviously. So, I asked him about the multiple methods of taking hormones. I had thought that transdermal estrogen would be the best route due to the lack of processing by the liver. He told me that even though it does bypass the liver processing, the hormone is still present in the system to cause an enlargement of the cysts. So it wouldn't really matter what form I took it in. However, he told me that as long as we keep a close watch on my health, it should be ok. That made me very happy to hear.

That weekend I packed my stuff up to head back to school. The only thing I did before I left was catch my sister's band concert on Sunday night. I need all the points I can get with her. Monday I headed back up to school. Classes started on Tuesday, and that's when I got sick. I caught the stomach flu. I made it through half of my classes on the first day of school. What an impression to make on my professors. I missed Wednesday's classes too. Finally on Thursday I felt ok enough to go to class. I was also finally starting to eat again.

Thursday evening I went to see the endocrinologist again. She unfortunately hadn't received the information from the nephrologist yet. So, it was really a wasted trip. The only news she was really able to tell me is that when she does start me on hormones, it'll be transdermal. The other thing she told me was that it would be risky for me to stay on high dose estrogen for too long. So no matter what I'll have to get a surgery done, be it SRS or orchiectomy. I'd prefer SRS. That's the only thing I got out of the trip that was positive.

I left the place very frustrated though. For the first time I started to think about how that place was actually helping me. I discovered that they are actually adding more emotional tension to my life by making me jump through so many hoops to get hormones. I have already satisfied the requirements for the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. It just makes me angry that they can still tell me no. Hopefully they wont say no. I really don't see any reason for them to deny me. I'll keep you all posted on what happens. Until my next novel of a diary entry....

Luv,

Jessica